AIBU to want to make a complaint about a physiotherapist?

[Toooldforallthisnow]

DH currently in hospital (NHS) after a fall, doing ok, but can't come home yet. He is being well looked after and has a physiotherapist who is seeing him regularly.

I visit DH most days, and I have seen this physiotherapist several times now. I have no complaint about the care she is giving DH and he seems very happy with her, indeed she is incredibly personable towards him - however, when speaking to me she is somewhat aloof to the point of rudeness. I am not one to let this sort of thing go unnoticed, so when I saw her yesterday, I asked her if I may have a word in private.

I told her that I was aware of her attitude towards me, and how I'd done nothing to warrant it, so asked if she could explain the reason for being so curt. She looked me in the eye and said that while she didn't expect me to know who she was, she remembered me from when I taught her in junior school.

I had a very brief career as a teacher during the very late 1980s. I hated everything about teaching, so much that after qualifying and taking a position in a school, I only spent eight months in the job. I left without completing a single academic year. I then retrained into another and completely different field, and moved some thirty or more miles away. I almost never speak of my time in teaching as it was the lowest point of my life, and I went on to make a new life for myself. Teaching was not for me and put it all behind me.

Long story short, physiotherapist said while she appreciated she had been one of the more (to use her words) "lucky" pupils, and that I'd only ever shouted at her, she remembered well how I'd smacked some of the other children, and even thrown someones desk across the room.

I cannot deny this, I was young (26) and although it wasn't technically allowed, smacking was something which still went on in schools. I don't remember doing it very often. I do remember shouting, and I do remember the incident with the desk, after a child had pushed me to my limit. It was soon after that I went on long-term sick. But no matter what, I never had a single complaint made against me by anyone.

I am shocked this woman remembers so much, I even wonder if in her mind she has exaggerated some of it, but regardless of that I think she is using it inappropriately to influence the way she speaks to me. She told me that while she realises she has been abrupt, she cannot forget the way I had been towards a group of children (from memory they would have been aged 9 or 10). She said I was more than welcome to make a complaint about her, but given that I am not her patient and that the reason for her being the way towards me has nothing to do with what she called the "protected characteristics" (I had to look that one up), there wasn't a great deal I could expect.

I have to admit, this altercation has riled me further. I am not denying my past, heaven knows I have admitted it here, but do I really have to be held hostage to it?

YABU - don't complain

YANBU - complain, this is not professional behaviour in this day and age.

And what do you mean @Ilovetowander the physio needs to act 'professionally'?
That she has to be deferrential and bow/scrape to the OP?!

OP you abused little children. You still sound like a nasty person. The woman should report you to the police. I hope she does.

i presume by you saying you smacked them it was under the banner or corporal punishment which when I was at primary school in the 1980's was definitely still being carried out by our headmaster.

There was a particularly horrid teacher at primary and the female PE teacher at high school was horrible. If I saw them and they tried to be pleasant to me now I'm an adult I would tell them what I thought of them too.

I hope you apologised OP.

Give what the OP has actually admitted to doing, I can't even imagine the things she has 'forgotten'.

I would love to see the teacher who tormented me as an 11 year old. She would receive a lot more than a 'curt' conversation.

WOW.

OP you obviously had a huge negative impact on the physio and probably every other child in your class.

You have no idea what damage you have done to them.

What would your complaint look like.

Dear hospital,

My husband is currently received good care from all staff including the physio.

Unfortunately the physio doesn't like me because I bullied her when she was a child and she also witnessed me assaulting other children in the class.

agree

it makes no difference in your life how the physiotherapist treats you.
she is treating your dh, not you.
you had no right to call her out on it

So. The 70's and early 80's was a time when shouting at pupils was common. The slipper, cane and ruler, were common punishments. Teachers threw blackboard rubbers. Children were humiliated. (In the schools I attended).
I would, however, expect you to now realise that this behaviour was abusive.
An apology was in order, in response to her explaining her aloofness.
You were a bully then, and you are trying to bully her now too.
Back off.

Corporal punishment was legally banned in 1987 and to be honest was very rare and frowned upon for a good few years prior to that. I started school in 1980 and it wasn’t a thing. I remember the ban being brought in and talked about on the news at the time and the message was very much that it rarely happens these days.

At my primary school the teachers weren’t allowed to undertake corporal punishment prior to the ban although there was a vague threat the headmaster still could.

i think it’s very unusual that in the “very late 80s” a junior classroom teacher would have been allowed to be smacking kids.

And whether it was allowed or not it’s a very valid judgement of someone’s character if they happily did it. I wonder if the OP would still smack kids, abuse animals, etc if it was allowed and acceptable? I’d struggle to be civil to someone like that.

The red herring you have thrown in for yourself, @Toooldforallthisnow is that 'smacking still went on'. With this phrase, you are justifying your abuse of children.

It's irrelevant if smacking still went on. You chose to smack - that's what is relevant. Most adults don't choose this in environments where it is alliowed because they are not violent.

You chose to throw a desk at or near children.

You now choose to be riled at perceived rudeness.

You now choose to resort immediately to revenge (complain).

Therapy, deep self-reflection, accountability and responsibility are what you owe society, because you have barely moved on from being that 26 year old abuser.

You may have moved on, but she hasn't. You don't get to police her feelings, which actually sound justified to me. Did you try apologising?

At 26yo you threw someone’s desk across the room? At 26yo the only way to gain control of a classroom was to terrorise 9/10yo children? And you are wondering why, while giving professional care and a pleasant attitude to your DH, she is not all smiles and rainbows with you? And you want to complain about that? Are you dense?

At 26yo I was in a professional workforce, being treated worse than pond scum from the levels above me (was a thing for all, I wasn’t singled out), and also copping abuse from absolute arseholes (I could use a stronger word), I was trying to help. This was before the time you describe, but we still weren’t able to hit anyone or throw beds about. At 26yo you are an adult and you use appropriate mechanisms to manage and control situations.

I think that was a good opportunity to apologise profusely and explain in brief what you said here and hope she accepted your apology.

My parents from abroad told.me horrid stories of their time in the 50s and 60s at school and how they were physically harmed, with the approval from parents. When visiting "back home" my father and mother both met said nasty teachers who did the worst abuse. One used a metal ruler and wacked my mother on the head and made her bleed a female teacher. the other male teacher used a book to hit my dad in the ribs and broke his ribs. P.s this was all for not memorsing a sentence correctly. Not the bat shot mental kid behaviour in the UK that often warrants some hands on discipline.
Anyway I asked my parents to confront them they saw them and had a chance. And they refused, i assume deep down they still fear them.

There’s no excuse for your behaviour. She deserves an apology (as do all the children you taught). How dare you try to make her life harder because she told you the truth.

I'm actually quite interested in what career op went into and how she'd feel if she'd came across the physio or any other of the children she'd abused and her thoughts if they made a complaint to her employer refusing to engage due to her abuse?

Yes you do have to be ‘held hostage’ for it, because you’re taking absolutely no responsibility for abusing children.
You remember everything that she remembers, yet ‘wonder if in her mind she has exaggerated some of it’.
You sound horrific. Good for her not pandering to you.

Assuming this is true……

good luck with your formal complaint. In my role as an nhs nurse manager I investigate complaints and can wholeheartedly say that this one would be going nowhere.

she probably feels terribly sad for your poor husband having to live with you.
The audacity to front someone out who, by your own admission, is doing her job well.

Sorry, WHAT?

You poor little lamb being pushed to violence by someone who has existed on this earth less than a decade.

Fucking hell. This one can’t be real.

What “bat shit mental behaviour “ are you describing that would warrant an adult to lay hands on a child in a class room?

Not perfect, just not a child abuser.

This is absolutely unhinged!

You abused a classroom of 9/10 year olds badly enough that "one of the lucky ones" still feels the effects of it nearly 40 years later and now you want to make a complaint about her?

If I were you, I'd be moving through life with a little more grace. Stop accosting people for the perceived abruptness and accept that you've been lucky in life.

As a side, youth is not an excuse for child abuse. Not liking your job is not an excuse for child abuse. There is no excuse for child abuse.

Instead of putting effort into raising a complaint, maybe you should seek out the children who you impacted and apologise. You've got to be knocking on 70 - get your karma balanced.

I am not denying my past, heaven knows I have admitted it here, but do I really have to be held hostage to it?
It's good that you feel able to admit to what you did, and clearly you know it wasn't right. What you've not taken on is that someone you actively harmed is allowed to still dislike you decades later. You didn't even apologise, yet you expect her automatic forgiveness and for her to forget; both those things are unrealistic. She doesn't need to forgive you even if you apologise, that isn't how it works.

You've probably had a rough set of comments, I didn't look. I'll give you some advice though. Write her a letter to apologise for the harm caused, let her know you understand she need not forgive you and you'll hang back in any appointments. Then leave it alone.

Well, your behaviour was literally criminal and it sounds like there are multiple witnesses to it, at least one of whom remembers matters very clearly.

By contrast, her behaviour is barely, if at all, unprofessional.

I would look those facts square in the face and consider on that basis whether a) you really want to open that can of worms; and b) provoke someone who could legitimately make what sounds like a pretty convincing criminal complaint against you (all for the sake of your extremely misplaced sense of pride and grievance.)

Personally, I would thank her for being so honest and apologise for what was clearly a dreadful time had at your hands. I think I'd mention that you left teaching after that as you realised you weren't coping. Then I'd thank her for not letting your past behaviour towards her affect the quality of care she gives your husband and reassure her that you will give her the space to continue to do her job well.

I think @Trallers advice here is spot on. I know you have put it behind you and moved on with your life, but the impact of those months on those children shouldn't be downplayed. You were a terrible teacher.