"can I have a word" from teacher

[ParentofPremie]

To avoid a drip feed this is quite long, apologies!

DS5 is in reception. Oldest in class.

Has a physical disability which can cause fatigue, and potentially has other difficulties which would be undiagnosed/unnoticed until he's older. His development was all higgeldy piggledy due to his physical disability so it's hard to see what is contributing to what, and we are trying to unpick whether some of his traits are ASD or due to developmental delays eg he talks a lot more than his peers and likes learning a subject in depth and asks a lot more questions, but it's potentially because that came more easily to him than the gross and fine motor skills where he's playing catch up. Or another example is he has only just started playing alongside peers but that could be because his brain was busy figuring out how to pick up a spoon and how to walk while their brains were busy figuring out how to talk to other toddlers. Lots of other little examples like this that could be this or that.

Attends school half day because a full day seemed too much.

When he first started school his personality seemed to shift overnight. He was initially asking to go home a lot. Then he stopped that after he overheard it fed back to me at parents evening but then the teacher would often pull me aside to "have a word" because he'd done something eg hit another child (softly, but still not acceptable), or tried to cut the desk instead of paper, or swung a thing around on a string potentially hitting himself or someone in the face, etc.
At home he was having lots of tantrums.
None of this was behaviour we'd ever seen in him before - he was well settled at preschool and would ask me to "go home and come back later as it was his space" and had never shown any aggressive behaviour to anyone. I posted on here (under a different name) and got a lot of "that's normal as they transition into school, they almost revert back to 2 year old behaviour while they get used to it".

But I found it all too much and decided to Flexi school him. Again, overnight there was a shift...he loved school again and the aggression/tantrums at home dropped away. I think they dropped away at school but I can't be sure whether the teacher wasn't "having a word" because I wasn't at the school gate and she was teaching at pick up or because things actually got better, and she doesn't seem to understand my question.

Now....we're trying to transition back to full time, taking it slowly. But already day2 teacher has "had a word".

I guess my questions are

1. When the teacher has a word, what am I expected to say. "Okay, I'll talk to him"? I do talk to him. But to me, he knows the thing he's done is naughty and the behaviour is communicating a need so I'm not sure a talking to is actually that helpful? Also, the teacher has already told him off, at length. Does he need it again?

1. The school are doing very little to understand what's behind his behaviour. At the meetings I had before I decided to Flexi school they suggested I introduce routines at home where he has to tidy up after himself, do tasks on his own, etc...but he already does these things. They also suggested we introduce a "self regulation" corner for him, and we've done that. It was a new concept for me, as we've always regulated together before as this is what every parenting book I read suggested. If he has a tantrum about something I set a limit and then listen to him move on or moan/cry/fall apart over it till he's done (no aggression allowed of course) and I own that I didn't think about how that might (not) equip him for a classroom as there aren't adults around to listen to him all the time. But it was a lesson learned and he's better at taking himself away to self-regulate now.

1. To me the fact that this sort of stuff only happens in school and (I think) only when he's doing a full day is telling us something. It feels to me like he's finding something hard but is unable to share that information for some reason. If I ask the the teacher they seem to have no idea where I'm coming from. Of course I also think it's vitally important to set limits around hitting/cutting table/swinging things or whatever else is going on. But I think it's also important to find out what's behind that behaviour?

AIBU to be frustrated by this communication? Or is this just school life? Was a just totally spoilt by a child who was more easy going when he was younger and just don't realise that sometimes kids can be arses for no reason at all? I am totally up for being told I need to grow a pair and change my attitude? I just don't think I was expecting the constant "can I have a word" type conversations and am not sure what to do with them!

SEN teacher here. It's an unfortunate fact of life that school is more challenging for some kids and we definitely expect kids to adapt to school more than the other way around. One thought shift that might make this more tolerable is if you see yourself as the expert on your child, the person with the rest of the picture, and the teacher as someone who is looking for your insight. Feel free to say something like "I can tell you about what works at home but I'm always so surprised at how challenging school is for him". That will subtly remind the teacher that school behaviour is different and not something you can reasonably be expected to be expert in. That said, your support is invaluable and talking to your kid always helps! Behaviour and emotional regulation are skills that take time and effort to learn. Talking them through explicitly can only help.

I had a lot of 'can I have a word' in reception too.
Like you, I spoke with him every morning before school but I was still getting pulled for one reason or another.
I ended up sending a pretty long email to his teacher explaining, this is new behavior, what is happening before hand? What are the triggers and so on.
and ended it with along the lines of, I speak with him every morning on the way to school and without having context of what is happening there's nothing additional I can add.

you've took on their advise so it's now time for them to figure out what is triggering or happening at school.
DS finds transitions hard, he uses a now and next board, needs ear defenders at certain points of the day, has movement breaks.

The thing I sent them an email , or emails, along these lines of looking for the triggers and I didn't feel they got anywhere. That's when I decided to Flexi school as it was clear he was suffering, if it wasn't clear how or why. It's so hard being told half the story and not being there to see what's leading up to it 🙈. Good on you for advocating for your son and getting the support he needs in place!

Surely it’s good if they keep you in the loop?

Or do you mean you’d prefer a different method of communicating this?

You’re not wrong, but teachers have to teach a whole class of children with different abilities and they don’t have time to analyse a single child’s behaviour in depth.

Sometimes, it’s not about what’s behind the behaviour because what caused a child to hit was something minor that humans have to learn to deal with. Then it’s about helping a child learn how to cope with minor irritations or disagreements in an acceptable way. The teacher will talk to you about that because you need to be helping your child to learn other ways of dealing with his feelings.

we definitely expect kids to adapt to school more than the other way around

Thanks, it's a good perspective to remember.

I love the sentence I could say to the teacher. Thank you. I think they come in with "behaviour is behaviour" and I come in with "behaviour is communication" so I think we're singing from different hymn sheets for a start 🙈

I'm very happy to be kept in the loop. But I was only being kept in the loop for one type of behaviour. Not when he was anxious/missing home, and not when he's doing well, not any nice thing that has happened at school. I find the communication unbalanced and not how I've been trained to give feedback.

My child is autistic. Last year I was spoken to every single day. This year his teacher is more experienced and rarely speaks to me.

At what point will your child be assessed for autism & ADHD?

I was an Early Years teacher for 20 years. I would suggest that she stops telling you things at the classroom door, and that you have a weekly/every two weeks short review (15 minutes). This will allow the teacher time to build up a picture of any patterns that are emerging, rather than reacting to individual events.

The teacher needs to be looking for triggers rather than outcomes. She needs to consider what is it about the current set up that’s causing him to become overwhelmed.

Talk to her about applying for an EHCP, if he doesn’t have one already. If she says that he doesn’t need one, put in a parental request for one. Google IPSEA - they have standard letters that you can use.

Thank you. I think this is helpful. I just don't/didn't know what she wanted from me but perhaps a constant reminder of "it's okay to feel but it's not okay to . Do _ instead" is all that's needed.

The pediatrician has just sent us the initial assessment forms after my tirade of what's been going on in school. I'm going with it, but am unsure how being diagnosed will change anything as the behaviour still needs to stop.

I did ask for this but I don't think she understands where I'm coming from when I talk about triggers so we didn't get anywhere. She looks at me blankly and just outlines things I need to teach him at home (routines etc).

I would say she has done a great job adjusting certain things eg desk against the wall as he wasn't doing any work otherwise as he found the environment too distracting. But when it comes to behaviour issues it just feels like we have completely different beliefs around children's behaviour.

Is the senco involved? Can you get them to observe him in school and then seek further referrals?

I think if the teacher is wanting to have a word you can also simply say to them 'thank you for letting me know' and leaving it at that. Sadly teachers are so busy they can't do anything individual handover each day with each child and point out the positives, so they are more likely to only catch parents where something tricky has happened that day. If your child does get an EHCP and gets a 1:1 then you are more likely to have that conversation as a TA will be doing the handover and be able to say whether they had a good day, and when that changed.

I think you need to sort a meeting where you have longer to talk rather than a quick 5 mins in the playground.

@ParentofPremie does he have an EHCP?

I would suggest asking to have a meeting jointly with the class teacher and SENDCo to talk about your ds’s behaviour. Hopefully the SENDCo will be a little more clued up!

It sounds like he would need a TA 1:1. My son on the spectrum couldn't have survived elementary without one.

Has an echp been applied for? It sounds like it’s at the point where that is very much needed and he will qualify for a needs assessment (although expect them to say no at first)

Senco is involved but is the one suggesting routines etc, teacher isn't saying anything, asks the Senco to come into meetings.
I might apply for an EHCP myself.

I completely understand that the teachers are too busy to balance out the feedback but it makes me feel sad. If I approached my colleagues like that (only talking to them when I was unhappy with them) I would very quickly be sacked. I guess there isn't anything that can be done about it though. I feel stuck ...we had the longer meetings before I went Flexi schooling but I didn't find them helpful as she just vented at me the whole time about other things he finds hard, without looking for solutions or balancing it out with what he finds enjoyable /easy.

No EHCP ...we applied for one at preschool but it was rejected. We could apply now.

Yeh they did say no, but he hadn't started school yet. I think I'll need to apply again and point out I'm flexischooling because he doesn't have a TA. He is making great academic progress though so I'm worried it'll be batted away again.

I strongly suggest you put in a parental request. When (because they probably will) they turn you down for a needs assessment, challenge it straight away!

You need to push for a diagnosis and work with the school and the teachers and senco.
List what he struggles with in school. In the meeting with both of them work at a plan for what could be done to support him.
Funding for a TA won't come without specific needs and even then it could be for a limited time or even shared with other children.
The Flexi schooling sounds like it was your choice, what did the senco think? Again time out of school does mean they are not around for evidence to be collected to support that they find school difficult. The more evidence there is from school then referrals can be made, ed psych can come and observe and then more support provided.

Also try not to overthink the only being told negative things and comparing it to a work situation. Remember there are 30 (or more) children in a class. If the teacher spoke to every parent when dismissing them to say whether they had a good day or not then they would be there all night. They are only going to focus on anything that didn't go well that day, which might be sad to hear but it is meant to help keep you informed.

Honestly I think teachers are so overworked and underpaid that they’re probably not trained on how to give feedback. They probably only have time to raise in the moment when they have concerns.

it would be lovely if they capacity to talk about what went well or lovely moments, but from what I hear from teacher friends and colleagues they’re mostly “firefighting” and only raising things when they think it’ll be a concern if they don’t.

Don't worry about diagnosis. Your child has SEN. They may need provision above that which is ordinarily available in school. That is the two-part test that is needed for an EHC needs assessment. An EHCP will be what gets him support in school, not a diagnosis.

Do you ever talk to him about incidents? Is he able to say how he was feeling when something happened? Eg. I hit Tom. I was mad. He took my toy.

The teacher probably doesn't want you to do anything when they tell you about incidents, and even if they do, you don't need to do anything. But it is probably good to try to talk about his day in general, and maybe sometimes about specific incidents (not always, as he might start to feel like school is all negative). Though from your posts, I suspect you're doing all of that anyway.

Don't worry. He will get through this and he is blessed to have a parent doing so well for him.

Has the senco observed in class?

id be inclined to request a meeting, explain what it is your wanting to find out.
ask about the SEN register, he would then get a plan and targets, regular meetings which will give you updates on progress and what is needed.

I don't think it's true that teachers don't have time to share the positives - I've always made a point of sharing positives with parents when I can. Granted I don't do it every day for every child but definitely whenever I can and particularly for the children who I have given negative feedback about at some point. It's so important for relationships that the children know I notice the good things they do as much as, if not more than, the bad.