"can I have a word" from teacher

[ParentofPremie]

To avoid a drip feed this is quite long, apologies!

DS5 is in reception. Oldest in class.

Has a physical disability which can cause fatigue, and potentially has other difficulties which would be undiagnosed/unnoticed until he's older. His development was all higgeldy piggledy due to his physical disability so it's hard to see what is contributing to what, and we are trying to unpick whether some of his traits are ASD or due to developmental delays eg he talks a lot more than his peers and likes learning a subject in depth and asks a lot more questions, but it's potentially because that came more easily to him than the gross and fine motor skills where he's playing catch up. Or another example is he has only just started playing alongside peers but that could be because his brain was busy figuring out how to pick up a spoon and how to walk while their brains were busy figuring out how to talk to other toddlers. Lots of other little examples like this that could be this or that.

Attends school half day because a full day seemed too much.

When he first started school his personality seemed to shift overnight. He was initially asking to go home a lot. Then he stopped that after he overheard it fed back to me at parents evening but then the teacher would often pull me aside to "have a word" because he'd done something eg hit another child (softly, but still not acceptable), or tried to cut the desk instead of paper, or swung a thing around on a string potentially hitting himself or someone in the face, etc.
At home he was having lots of tantrums.
None of this was behaviour we'd ever seen in him before - he was well settled at preschool and would ask me to "go home and come back later as it was his space" and had never shown any aggressive behaviour to anyone. I posted on here (under a different name) and got a lot of "that's normal as they transition into school, they almost revert back to 2 year old behaviour while they get used to it".

But I found it all too much and decided to Flexi school him. Again, overnight there was a shift...he loved school again and the aggression/tantrums at home dropped away. I think they dropped away at school but I can't be sure whether the teacher wasn't "having a word" because I wasn't at the school gate and she was teaching at pick up or because things actually got better, and she doesn't seem to understand my question.

Now....we're trying to transition back to full time, taking it slowly. But already day2 teacher has "had a word".

I guess my questions are

1. When the teacher has a word, what am I expected to say. "Okay, I'll talk to him"? I do talk to him. But to me, he knows the thing he's done is naughty and the behaviour is communicating a need so I'm not sure a talking to is actually that helpful? Also, the teacher has already told him off, at length. Does he need it again?

1. The school are doing very little to understand what's behind his behaviour. At the meetings I had before I decided to Flexi school they suggested I introduce routines at home where he has to tidy up after himself, do tasks on his own, etc...but he already does these things. They also suggested we introduce a "self regulation" corner for him, and we've done that. It was a new concept for me, as we've always regulated together before as this is what every parenting book I read suggested. If he has a tantrum about something I set a limit and then listen to him move on or moan/cry/fall apart over it till he's done (no aggression allowed of course) and I own that I didn't think about how that might (not) equip him for a classroom as there aren't adults around to listen to him all the time. But it was a lesson learned and he's better at taking himself away to self-regulate now.

1. To me the fact that this sort of stuff only happens in school and (I think) only when he's doing a full day is telling us something. It feels to me like he's finding something hard but is unable to share that information for some reason. If I ask the the teacher they seem to have no idea where I'm coming from. Of course I also think it's vitally important to set limits around hitting/cutting table/swinging things or whatever else is going on. But I think it's also important to find out what's behind that behaviour?

AIBU to be frustrated by this communication? Or is this just school life? Was a just totally spoilt by a child who was more easy going when he was younger and just don't realise that sometimes kids can be arses for no reason at all? I am totally up for being told I need to grow a pair and change my attitude? I just don't think I was expecting the constant "can I have a word" type conversations and am not sure what to do with them!

Yes, this is how I feel. Also even if it was a "can I have a word...we had a nice day doing xyz and he did ABC well, BUT ..." would be fine and would only take 30 seconds more.
Also to PPs saying there are 30 kids etc...hes in a small village school with only 8 in his class.

But when it comes to behaviour issues it just feels like we have completely different beliefs around children's behaviour.

In that case, I’d consider whether this is the right school for you and your child. His education can’t be successful if his parents and teachers aren’t on the same page, and a teacher isn’t going to adapt her entire style of teaching to appease one parent.

A parent teacher relationship isn’t like one with colleagues. Obviously a child’s achievements should be celebrated in school but the teacher isn’t there to give you positive feedback. This isn’t feedback, it’s information about your child. I would take the SENCO’s advice before seeking a diagnosis that will lead you to the same advice.

Just to clarify, is that 8 in his entire class or 8 in his year group within a mixed years class? If 8 in his class, then yes you should be getting more of a handover! Honestly though, perhaps just say to yhe teacher you're finding all the negativity difficult and would appreciate hearing about some good things too. I always sing the praises of children who struggle so their parents know they have brilliant times too, but I'm embarrassed to admit I probably did it less early on in my career and didn't truly understand why it was so important until I had children myself.

I find a simple - thank you for telling me. Works well - Iv sen kids and teachers needs to comminute behavioural patterns.

Teachers have very little training on how to talk to parents.

she’s having a word with you because your child is showing behaviour that is considered a problem in a school environment.

she’s doing it pretty much every time because otherwise parents complain they have no idea what is going on when the inevitable referral for special needs is done.

teachers in general are not trained in the “behaviour is communication” approach. If a child is not adapting to school when the teacher is using standard behaviour management techniques then the child is considered a problem and they will get in a behaviour specialist to see the child.

this is usually the person who has experience and training in looking for triggers and working with eg the ABC method of analysing behaviour.

schools are mass institutions. The teacher has been trained how to use standard techniques which are not working for your child. She’s probably requested specialist input (Senco etc) and can get further specialist input from ASD specialists if necessary.

unfortunately if a child is not capable of fitting into the school then what usually happens is not that the teacher bends the system to fit them, but rather that they end up on part time timetables, in difficulty, and eventually when there is enough paperwork to show they can’t cope in mainstream they move to some kind of special school hopefully fairly quickly.

your child id clearly a fair way through this process as they are only capable of accessing school part time and are having trouble with being in school. At the moment you have no documentation showing he needs any extra support. Get documents out of the school - they’ll be documenting each time he hits another child for start - and apply for an EHCP.

I'd be gobsmacked if any teachers in 2025 haven't heard of 'behaviour is communication'. Schools have a long way to go in terms of SEND provision but the reality is most teachers will have up to about 7 children in their class every year for whom the standard expectations and procedures will need adapting. I really don't understand the rhetoric at all that most teachers haven't got a clue about SEND when they spend every day working with children with ASC, ADHD, PDA etc.

That's a shame the teacher isn't able to share any positive feedback with you. I was a teacher for over 20 years- YR for lots of those.

I had children with lots of different needs and challenging behaviour as well as those who settled in easily. I wasn't any kind of amazing super teacher but I did make a point of giving lots of genuine positive comments at the end of the day. Obviously not every child, every day, but I'm pretty sure I would have covered a class of 30 in a week or so. It is really important to build positive relationships with the child and their family in reception, parents need to know that you want their child to do well and see the best in them. It made the 'Can I have a word?' chats a lot easier as well.

To be honest it doesn't sound like you have a very experienced teacher or SENCO. Hopefully next year will be more positive for you. Glad you're planning to apply for an EHCP. It might be useful to ask the school to keep a home school book where they can write a little bit about how the day has gone, it will save having too many chats and also might help spot patterns and provide a record for your EHCP application. Good luck with it all @ParentofPremie

I’m a reception teacher

ive used a communication book where both home and school write a quick summary in each day

Im very aware of the quiet children who often get overlooked in favour of those children with additional needs so I try and balance out talking to the same parents by talking to other parents as well

I get the feeling from reading your posts that there’s a lot of talking to him, considering his behaviour (all great) but at school she’ll be expecting him
to get on, take responsibility for himself and his actions - would this be too hard for him?

how do you expect he’ll adjust going from flexi schooling to full time?

I got quite a lot of negative feedback about one of my children and in exasperation went to see the teacher and asked them what they were doing to build up my child's self esteem and help them like school more. I suppose, in retrospect I was quite stroppy but I was a teacher and I felt I knew what I was talking about. The teacher was quite taken aback but did think about what I had said and made a real effort to give praise rather than focusing on negatives. It did work and everything settled down. I'm not suggesting you do this but I do think you need to persist in talking to the teacher about your child who you know best. It's obvious from your posts that you know exactly what works and as pp has said teachers do need to celebrate achievements however small to boost a child sense of self.

8 in the class. I have said this to her! And she has kids herself. 🙈

It's a very small school so they'd be a bit behind the curve with things

because otherwise parents complain they have no idea what is going on when the inevitable referral for special needs is done

But in this case I'm the one who is saying he needs more help in the classroom and it's the Senco who is faffing on that front

Thanks for the tips on asking them to document everything. I think I'll let them know I am going to reapply for an EHCP as a parent and please could they start writing everything down in an email

Hi OP it definitely sounds as though you need to start formalising actions and outcomes. Log all reports from teacher, try to find patterns and triggers ( hard when child is young) at school and home. Make sure the school has an ecp and then you should also apply for the echp as parent; you can clearly demonstrate his needs cannot be met (DC is not able to attend school ft and would be able to if appropriate support was in place). You don’t need a diagnosis but would also make sure you press hard for assessment as they take a looooong time (try RTC, is quicker but hard to find approved providers for younger children).
I trusted the healthcare system and the school and as a result, have a very sad teen who is not achieving their potential and a very difficult family/home life. Shortly going for private diagnosis and applying for ECHP because the NHS waiting list is so loooooong. However we now realise this was needed years (and years ago) and actually, DC has never had appropriate support. The impact on mental health for a child who is daily made to feel that they are naughty, unkind, not good enough, a nuisance all while they cannot fix it themselves without professional support is destructive. Now DC is coming off of the rails and it is petrifying and heartbreaking in equal measures. Don’t hold back..do what you feel you need to do(including moving schools if current one is not the right setting/ teachers not working with you and your DC).

You need a meeting with the senco. He needs a Sen plan in place and to apply for ehcp. Senco needs to support teacher wig interventions to help him. If they apply for funding he could have some 1:1 hours, so in the afternoon he could have some sensory breaks. You could request ed psych and occupational therapist come in to advise

Ask for his file.

it’s quite possible the Senco has done observations of him if so these should be written down. There will also be records of him hitting other children when he has done that.

the fact they are asking you to do routines with him suggests that he isn’t following them in the classroom.

eyfs is generally document as you go along so they’ll be keeping his record up to date with what he’s achieved in various areas.
what was his transfer from pre school like? He should have had a report which said stuff like “personal and social development: can do this can do this is working on that.”

the teacher and any other adults in the classroom should have fairly clear idea from their documentation of where he is on the framework.

it sounds from what you have said that he is significantly behind in a number of areas and this would help document this.

I suggested a communication book but they didn't go for it.

to get on, take responsibility for himself and his actions - would this be too hard for him?

It's hard to say. Today's incident he was cutting the table. At home I'd have said "we don't cut the table" and taken the scissors away. Most of the time that would be the end of that.
Sometimes he might say "why?"
I would say "you know why."
He would say "no I don't"
Depending on my mood I might answer the question. Then he might say "but why" again. At that point I know he's overwhelmed or unhappy or something. I'd say
"I've already answered that. Let's have some quiet time to calm down, and you can process my answer".
Usually, he'd then be quiet for a bit and then come back normal again. Or he might get upset at the quiet time and have a tantrum, and I'd listen to his tantrum and then he'd be normal again.
I appreciate they wouldn't have time for that at school, but it happens so rarely at home...say once a fortnight or something....that I wouldn't think it's a huge issue.

At school, he asked why, she answered, he said but why, and she answered again, he said but why, she got cross and said if you don't understand I'll have to speak to your mum and you may not be able to attend school in the afternoons if you don't get it. In my personal opinion it was the wrong approach as he did understand but his brain was going in loops and he needed a break, and the threat of not being able to go to school in the afternoons wasn't helpful as he wasn't doing it on purpose. But I don't know, maybe I'm just not seeing what she is. His main teacher would have used the same approach as me, this was his TA who takes the class on Friday afternoons as main teacher isn't there. I think part of the problem might be that I picked the wrong day for him to try a full day.

Thanks. I'm really trying. I've been trying to talk to them about patterns and triggers from day dot and I'm met with blank faces. I will just do the ehcp myself using this thread as my strength. You've worded it so well, thank you.

Good luck with getting support for your teen x

Thanks, have tried meeting with the Senco but didn't find it very helpful. But will try again

Thank you. He's made massive progress so they think additional support isn't needed. As he has a physical disability the team that provides support for this came to observe him and said he doesn't need extra support. But they didn't observe his behaviour as in the 20 mins she was there he didn't misbehave...so I think I have to go back to sq one 🙈
Hopefully they have been documenting his behaviour, I'll ask next week. Thanks...I didn't realise they will have been recording things so thoroughly.

My SEN DCs are currently in school in the UK and I vouch that many many teachers do not deeply understand or have appropriate training or provisions to identify and support children with ASD/adhd/dyslexia/dyspraxia. It is getting better but not consistently and not fast enough. I have some real clangers ….they need to focus more and avoid distractions (adhd), they are behind on spelling (dyslexia), they can’t sit crossed legged on the carpet / assembly (dyspraxia),they prefer to play alone and need to be encouraged to join classmates (ASD and very happy to be alone, very stressed when expected to pretend and copy behaviours of NT children), they were disruptive in class (when room location was changed and substitute teacher took class (adhd/asd)). It goes on and on and on. Right now in 2025. Sadly the decision to mainstream children with additional needs in large state schools is not working for many teachers, SEN children and their classmates.

Ah no 🙈
I'm in a completely unrelated to education job but know better myself! But I think it's due to a SEN brother and general interest. I was surprised when it came to schools that teachers are not as "in the know". But I do want to make sure I'm not excusing behaviour as SEN so trying to see their point

I was going to suggest a home-school communication book but I see someone has already done that so I’ll just second it! So so useful-cuts down on the “can I have a word?”, keeps a solid track of behaviours, you’re easily able to communicate things like poor sleep etc which may impact his day. I would try to revisit that suggestion and lay out your reasons for wanting one.
Also, ABC charts are useful for behaviour issues (Antecedents-what happened just before, Behaviour-what exactly did the child do, Consequences-what was the result of the behaviour) If the school wont do this, maybe you could get the information from the teacher when she’s having a “can I have a word?” moment and record yourself? See if you can see a pattern?

definitely start the echo ball rolling

I would love this but they just seem completely unable to comprehend why I'm asking. I asked what was happening when he did the cutting and she just replied "nothing we were just doing some consolidation work". I asked him and he said "I don't remember". Every time I've tried to have that conversation with them it's like trying to walk through a wall.

What does this mean?