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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH wants me to get a job

1000 replies

Missedp · 25/04/2025 19:24

My husband has been pressuring me to go back to work, however I am happy with our current arrangement: I am a SAHM for our 3 children, a caregiver to my family and a local volunteer.
DH earns as good wage and we have money left over each month. I do the school runs and the children have a wonderful routine; I can also help friends and family with any ad hoc support.
DH wants to “accelerate” our savings and wants me to contribute financially but once you factor in a cleaner, the additional stress to of working and arranging care, it hardly seems worth it. I’ll be making slightly above minimum wage.

OP posts:
KvotheTheBloodless · 29/04/2025 13:48

MrsKeats · 28/04/2025 21:30

That’s opinion dressed up as fact. We earn 165k jointly and don’t have a cleaner.

Snap! I'm glad I'm not the only one. Although we do have a gardener.

Delatron · 29/04/2025 13:54

Why are we coveting not having a cleaner? It’s the best money I spend all week..also reduces the resentment in the household.

To be honest if we were both full time with young kids and loads of spare cash I’d have - a nanny, a housekeeper and a gardener.

I remember a friend who lives in Singapore being horrified I had two young children and no nanny and housekeeper (they have loads of help
over there even if the woman doesn’t work). Though I know it’s cheaper.

I don’t think we should demonise having help if it means women can work more and do a bit less round the house…

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 29/04/2025 14:12

Delatron · 29/04/2025 13:54

Why are we coveting not having a cleaner? It’s the best money I spend all week..also reduces the resentment in the household.

To be honest if we were both full time with young kids and loads of spare cash I’d have - a nanny, a housekeeper and a gardener.

I remember a friend who lives in Singapore being horrified I had two young children and no nanny and housekeeper (they have loads of help
over there even if the woman doesn’t work). Though I know it’s cheaper.

I don’t think we should demonise having help if it means women can work more and do a bit less round the house…

agree.

dh hates cleaning. He’d rather work PT and spend his money on cleaners, gardeners and other help around the house than do it himself.

he earns more per hour than cleaners etc cost. So he gets not to do housework, and he has some spending money, pays pension contributions etc.

makes more sense than insisting on being a sahp because the house might get messy.

TheaBrandt1 · 29/04/2025 15:48

Why are people acting like it’s a badge of honour to be a high earner with no cleaner? Weird. Bloody love having a team sort the house out on Fridays.

JHound · 29/04/2025 18:22

SallyWD · 29/04/2025 10:21

I don't know anyone who works 8 to 6. Are you including commuting time? Most people I know work 9 to 5 or 9 to 5.30. I work 8.30 to 4.30.

I don’t know anybody who does 9-5. That maybe contracted hours but not actual hours required to do work.

JHound · 29/04/2025 18:23

Delatron · 29/04/2025 13:54

Why are we coveting not having a cleaner? It’s the best money I spend all week..also reduces the resentment in the household.

To be honest if we were both full time with young kids and loads of spare cash I’d have - a nanny, a housekeeper and a gardener.

I remember a friend who lives in Singapore being horrified I had two young children and no nanny and housekeeper (they have loads of help
over there even if the woman doesn’t work). Though I know it’s cheaper.

I don’t think we should demonise having help if it means women can work more and do a bit less round the house…

Honestly I just don’t have a cleaner as I cannot afford one. If I could I would have a cleaner visit weekly. Get my time back for stuff I actually want to do.

Delatron · 29/04/2025 18:26

JHound · 29/04/2025 18:23

Honestly I just don’t have a cleaner as I cannot afford one. If I could I would have a cleaner visit weekly. Get my time back for stuff I actually want to do.

Yes sorry this was for the ones who said they were very high earners but then didn’t have a cleaner.

Completely understand they are a luxury. But two people who are big earners (and full time) - you’d think a cleaner would be a big help

JHound · 29/04/2025 18:29

Delatron · 29/04/2025 18:26

Yes sorry this was for the ones who said they were very high earners but then didn’t have a cleaner.

Completely understand they are a luxury. But two people who are big earners (and full time) - you’d think a cleaner would be a big help

Edited

I mean I am a high earner - just not high enough to have a cleaner as there are other things I prioritise more (like cocktails with friends and travel).

But the MINUTE I get another payrise I am getting a cleaner again.

I, like you, find it weird the way people fetishise cleaning their own homes!

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 29/04/2025 18:44

Zone2NorthLondon · 25/04/2025 21:58

Awful? I fear not
See a tired tropes about working, hell yea I’ll challenge that

Hashtag insults are most definitely in the ‘awful’ category 😉

Delatron · 29/04/2025 18:49

JHound · 29/04/2025 18:29

I mean I am a high earner - just not high enough to have a cleaner as there are other things I prioritise more (like cocktails with friends and travel).

But the MINUTE I get another payrise I am getting a cleaner again.

I, like you, find it weird the way people fetishise cleaning their own homes!

Yeah I do get it!

Saladleaves17 · 29/04/2025 19:02

Only read page one but my best friend had this attitude. Her husband found it very difficult to be the sole breadwinner and she refused to go back to work (he only wanted her to go back part time 2/3 days a week just to contribute a bit to the household finances so they could save up to move). Her excuse being ‘they are only little once and I don’t want to miss out on their childhood’.

He ended up leaving her and she is now working more hours than her husband ever expected of her and her lifestyle is no where near as good as it used to be.

SAHM is an amazing privilege that many people don’t get the opportunity to have, but it only works if the one supporting you is happy to continue doing do. I would respect your husband and look for a job. Maybe something in a school so the hours still work with the school runs etc?

Avidreader12 · 29/04/2025 20:01

Saladleaves17 · 29/04/2025 19:02

Only read page one but my best friend had this attitude. Her husband found it very difficult to be the sole breadwinner and she refused to go back to work (he only wanted her to go back part time 2/3 days a week just to contribute a bit to the household finances so they could save up to move). Her excuse being ‘they are only little once and I don’t want to miss out on their childhood’.

He ended up leaving her and she is now working more hours than her husband ever expected of her and her lifestyle is no where near as good as it used to be.

SAHM is an amazing privilege that many people don’t get the opportunity to have, but it only works if the one supporting you is happy to continue doing do. I would respect your husband and look for a job. Maybe something in a school so the hours still work with the school runs etc?

This is what many people don’t get there are very few mythical jobs that fit within school hours. When you factor in the school holidays, multiple kids. It’s easy to say well you should do this. Most will be minimum wage and often women are expected to work and still do all the looking after kids.

Tryonemoretime · 29/04/2025 21:18

JHound · 29/04/2025 18:29

I mean I am a high earner - just not high enough to have a cleaner as there are other things I prioritise more (like cocktails with friends and travel).

But the MINUTE I get another payrise I am getting a cleaner again.

I, like you, find it weird the way people fetishise cleaning their own homes!

And I find it weird that some mumsnetters think being a SAHM means you waft around all day with a feather duster in one hand and a handwhisk in the other 😅🤣😂.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/04/2025 21:46

Delatron · 29/04/2025 13:54

Why are we coveting not having a cleaner? It’s the best money I spend all week..also reduces the resentment in the household.

To be honest if we were both full time with young kids and loads of spare cash I’d have - a nanny, a housekeeper and a gardener.

I remember a friend who lives in Singapore being horrified I had two young children and no nanny and housekeeper (they have loads of help
over there even if the woman doesn’t work). Though I know it’s cheaper.

I don’t think we should demonise having help if it means women can work more and do a bit less round the house…

I don't think it should be demonised but I also don't think there's anything wrong with saying 'actually, we're high earners and don't have a cleaner' when the assumption is there.

I WFH 99% of the time and don't like the idea of a cleaner in the house, it's also a reason why we decided against a nanny and DC's go to nursery.

Arran2024 · 29/04/2025 22:19

Tbh if you are hardly in the house - out at work all day, kids at wrap around care and school - you are probably in less need of a cleaner than the average SAHM!

WhatsOpp · 29/04/2025 23:03

Has OP got a job? Is that why she’s not responded?

WhatsOpp · 29/04/2025 23:08

Saladleaves17 · 29/04/2025 19:02

Only read page one but my best friend had this attitude. Her husband found it very difficult to be the sole breadwinner and she refused to go back to work (he only wanted her to go back part time 2/3 days a week just to contribute a bit to the household finances so they could save up to move). Her excuse being ‘they are only little once and I don’t want to miss out on their childhood’.

He ended up leaving her and she is now working more hours than her husband ever expected of her and her lifestyle is no where near as good as it used to be.

SAHM is an amazing privilege that many people don’t get the opportunity to have, but it only works if the one supporting you is happy to continue doing do. I would respect your husband and look for a job. Maybe something in a school so the hours still work with the school runs etc?

I know examples of this too, but you’re not allowed to say so on MN because it’s ok for dad to miss out on children only being young once, but not mum.

There will never be a sensible debate on this on MN and not seen one in over 15 years. Some posters yes, but others will describe (stereotypically and historically) how it ‘doesn’t work’. All the examples will be enabling men.

And that is precisely why attitudes and expectations need to change.

Feelingmuchbetter · 30/04/2025 06:40

WhatsOpp · 29/04/2025 23:08

I know examples of this too, but you’re not allowed to say so on MN because it’s ok for dad to miss out on children only being young once, but not mum.

There will never be a sensible debate on this on MN and not seen one in over 15 years. Some posters yes, but others will describe (stereotypically and historically) how it ‘doesn’t work’. All the examples will be enabling men.

And that is precisely why attitudes and expectations need to change.

Edited

I think many mothers enjoy spending time with their children, and work can become secondary to motherhood. Women are biologically programmed to want to remain with their young. To protect and care for them. I am not remotely maternal, and never have been but I found myself not wanting to leave my baby for five minutes! I couldn’t believe how much I changed during my pregnancy and once my baby arrived, she was all that mattered. The sun and the moon. I am not the only one, I suspect most mothers (excluding those with pnd) feel the same.

Motherhood obliterates ambition for many women. In my dh it motivated him to work harder having young children to provide for and look after.

You need to start with our biology and the science, this is not something you can instruct people to do - we are animals at the end of the day, and live with our own instincts and choices.

Yes it eases as they grow older, but not by very much. Most mothers prioritise their children and babies - I don’t know why you feel so intent to change that?

WhatsOpp · 30/04/2025 06:51

You’re the first poster who has described evolutionary biology as the reason some women want to stay at home. Most of it has been ‘who will do the life admin’ and ‘this won’t work because he works long hours’ etc. That is what I was referring to.

As an aside, we are describing people whose children are at school, not newborns, unless you are suggesting that any females who bear children can never work thereafter because the biological urge to protect them continues through their entire life?

You are speaking for yourself when you describe “obliterates ambition for many women”.

Teateaandmoretea · 30/04/2025 07:08

Feelingmuchbetter · 30/04/2025 06:40

I think many mothers enjoy spending time with their children, and work can become secondary to motherhood. Women are biologically programmed to want to remain with their young. To protect and care for them. I am not remotely maternal, and never have been but I found myself not wanting to leave my baby for five minutes! I couldn’t believe how much I changed during my pregnancy and once my baby arrived, she was all that mattered. The sun and the moon. I am not the only one, I suspect most mothers (excluding those with pnd) feel the same.

Motherhood obliterates ambition for many women. In my dh it motivated him to work harder having young children to provide for and look after.

You need to start with our biology and the science, this is not something you can instruct people to do - we are animals at the end of the day, and live with our own instincts and choices.

Yes it eases as they grow older, but not by very much. Most mothers prioritise their children and babies - I don’t know why you feel so intent to change that?

What utter bollocks. And we wonder why people have gender confusion.

It’s not what happened in my house.

Motheranddaughter · 30/04/2025 07:24

’obliterates all ambition’
Now I really have heard everything

Feelingmuchbetter · 30/04/2025 07:27

WhatsOpp · 30/04/2025 06:51

You’re the first poster who has described evolutionary biology as the reason some women want to stay at home. Most of it has been ‘who will do the life admin’ and ‘this won’t work because he works long hours’ etc. That is what I was referring to.

As an aside, we are describing people whose children are at school, not newborns, unless you are suggesting that any females who bear children can never work thereafter because the biological urge to protect them continues through their entire life?

You are speaking for yourself when you describe “obliterates ambition for many women”.

I would be happy to discuss the science, and how it impacts equality.

I do think it is a huge factor, and one that isn’t discussed enough.

The truth is I would have rather chopped my leg off than leave my baby in the newborn stages. Did I choose this reaction? No. Did it stem from my personality or from the intellectual side of my brain? Absolutely not. I am the least maternal person in the world, and I became a hawk around my newborn - overnight.

You are suggesting that the biologically driven maternal care magically evaporates at school age. I entirely disagree. I think it naturally eases as a child enters puberty, and beyond, and lessens as the child ages but not by much. Most mothers will prioritise their young, even at school age, over all else.

I said for ‘many women’ ambition is reduced or in some cases entirely lost when they enter motherhood, I did not say all.

Many of us enjoy a second wind and a revitalised energy for career progression as children become older, and focus returns.
Many do not, some will struggle with the onset of the menopause and other caring duties, their energy depleted by years of hard graft and child rearing.

My conclusion is that if you wish to be equal in all ways, and enjoy a career without compromising your child/children then an only child might be the best solution - or no children.

If you are looking to have multiple children and the toll that takes on the body, energy levels and resources - then maybe factor in the inevitable damage to your career and financial health. No one woman can do it all, we have established that at least.

Women can choose what is right for them, where their priorities lie, and make conscious and informed decisions for themselves. They don’t need to be told what to do.

TheaBrandt1 · 30/04/2025 08:17

Agree feeling. I left my city job without a backward glance. Just wanted to be with my baby. Sorry not sorry.

Delatron · 30/04/2025 08:19

I think it’s a good point that multiple children do have an impact on your career. Unless maybe you’re Nicola Horlick (though didn’t she have a SAHD?).

Each birth you’ll have to take more time off. Childcare becomes more expensive for 2/3 children. The juggle increases. The DH needs to do more (and if he doesn’t then more falls to you).

Everyone’s circumstances are different but it’s a bit remiss to not consider biology when we are wondering why women often have to take the career hit.

TheaBrandt1 · 30/04/2025 08:19

That said that baby is now on a gap year and I am earning what I did in the city via different means so all these are life stages that change.

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