17 Year Old Daughter- Is my mom abusive? Should I keep in touch with her after I move out?

[ThatDandyReader]

Hi all,

I am a frequent lurker on mn because all throughout my teens I was never sure whether the way my mom treated me was normal/justified, or if 'normal' moms don't treat their daughters this way. I will warn that this post will have a good dollop of melodrama but try and bear with me.

Essentially, I am to move out in September for uni and I finally have control over my relationship with my mom. I am asking everyone here: a) whether her behaviour is justified at all, like would you treat a daughter this way? and b) for anyone who had similar circumstances and is now an adult how they managed it?

Right, so I will start from the start of my secondary school days, as I would say this was when her behaviour verged on abuse. She would always be angry at me for not being a happy child, and tbh I found secondary school hard because I was quite introverted. Anyways, that coupled with frequent screaming matches at home where my mom and siblings would go at each other over small things really took a toll on me. My mental health was so awful, I was constantly getting scolded at school for not having equipment, uniform, etc, (felt scared to ask my mum for this stuff, too busy), and at home it was constant anger and hatred. This culminated in an attempt to take my life when I was 12 (sorry, tw, but this is relevant). Did not work essentially, mom called me a 'miserable bitch' and when I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling she says 'Do you think I don't feel the same way?' Anyways complete hell I felt there. Another incident at that same time was when my mom saw a notification on ,my phone and thought it was a boy. It was not- embarrassingly it was my fan page for a male YouTuber. Anyways, she smashes my phone and screams at me. I genuinely felt so traumatised. That was a year when I couldn't talk to my friends except at school and so very lonely.

What gets me is that there is never any apologies, in fact she would always say, 'Have you stopped putting your face up?' or 'Silly bitch deserved it.' And it's not as if she was always cruel, in fact with other daughters of family friends it was constant praise to them- 'Wow, isn't she gorgeous,' etc, etc. But my mom has never really asked me if I was okay, how I'm finding things, never got any positive validation even though I am a decent person school wise and I think I am quite nice.

I will say, things have gotten better over the years as I have completely knuckled down with my schoolwork. I know her pressure points so I never ask for money, or do anything rebellious, and I managed to perform well in school. What makes me think my mom has some good in her is how she has been in the uni application process. She really came through in terms of coming to open days, and (I really don't mean this as a brag), when I applied to Cambridge she got me practice interviews and paid for train tickets to visit. I did end up getting my place there and I feel like if I cut her off it's a massive betrayal for how hard she worked to get me there. And I am definitely not a perfect daughter- I would say my main faults are using her makeup when I was younger, cleaning up after myself, and when my mom shouts at me I just completely keep to myself and don't really speak to her. She has called me abusive for that before.

But again, I am torn because there was a recent event where I went to see Bristol on an open day and asked her to come with me. She really didn't want to and I did have to beg. It got to the day, I was so tired and I looked at her without smiling. She starts screaming at me for 'having my afce up' and banging the iron on the ironing board. I felt the exact same horrible feeling as when I was 11 again and I just get the sense that I am going to be subject to this anger all throughout my adult life if I do something that displeases her.

Sorry for how long this is, I am going a bit crazy when I reflect on all of it. Any thoughts would be appreciated, thank you for reading

Oh! And a chat with the careers service straight off might be helpful.
https://www.careers.cam.ac.uk/vacation-work-and-work-experience
They csn help you tailor CVs for different roles as well as thinking through work.
Also look into opportunities in tourism and hospitality. And working or volunteering with the summer schools that come to Cambridge.

You'd be very valuable regarding outreach and engagement for prospective students and maybe could get involved in open days and so on?

I cant speak to school safeguarding. I hope someone else will.

It sounds as if you're used to being disbelieved and undermined and I'm sorry if that's the case.

Something like this thread is plenty, you don't need an evidence bank. You've worked for and earned and won a place! Now the institution has an interest in your flourishing.

I think even at 17 you can speak to Childline for support and this might be something to consider in terms of just unlooping from negativity in the past.

I really don't think you'll be disbelieved if you get to Uni, find the right people to talk to (Chaplaincy probably, they'll certainly guide you to the right place) and give them a brief overview of your situation.

You don't have to go into massive detail either.

I would say:

' I am self-supporting due to a very unpleasant family situation with an emotionally/mentally/physically abusive parent who I am trying to distance myself from with the least disruption possible.

This may mean I am unable to return home for holidays, won't get financial support most students of my age would get from parents, what support can I access?'

Thats it, if you want to elaborate further, you can, but you don't have to. They're there for the students, their default position is to believe you and support you.

I had to go to my tutor and then the Dean of my college to explain that I had no home support, my mother was not putting credit on my food card each week (alcoholic, forgot or would occasionally use it to punish me, or in my bank account !!), I did not have money to eat or use the laundry room.

It caused a bit of consternation as I was 16 and reasonably expected to have parents that would support me, but they found some funding for food and other bits and bobs.

They did have to speak to my parents as I was only 16 and this was a residential FE college - that was a bit mortifying but they realised what I was up against very quickly!

In your case as you're a university student not a minor, they will deal entirely with you!

Lord I would be thrilled if I had a daughter like you. Your mother has no idea how blessed she is. So very sorry for what you have been through but congratulations on your place at university. This will be a new and exciting chapter in your life so try not to dwell on the past too much.

Teacher here. Firstly good luck with yr exams. It sounds like an appalling environment to revise in and I’m very concerned for you.
You are 17 and a victim of serious emotional abuse and some physical neglect I’m afraid- it’s definitely a safeguarding issue from what you have disclosed here. Is there someone in the school you can talk to?
Your school will take this very seriously. It is just as serious as physical abuse. And you have been experiencing it for years. They will want to help in any way they can, especially in this very important time for your future. You are sleeping on the sofa and revising in libraries- and doing brilliantly despite this. You are amazing!
You are right that once you report this it is a safeguarding issue and by law the school must act to help you. And right now the help you want is to get through your imminent exams.If you feel safe enough you could delay making a report until your exams are over. It’s your call. Making a disclosure could be a huge relief …. you are passing the problem to adults and freeing yourself to focus on your studies.
You don’t say how old your brothers are. They are being harmed by witnessing this abuse even if they don’t experience it as much as you. And as for your father- from what you describe he is also neglecting you. He is not parenting you at all- he’s completely absent. Also not good for your brothers.
If you confide in the school they may well seek advice themselves from the local authority and social services teams, who can provide more practical help. You shouldn’t be navigating this on your own.

Great post @Fleetbug, entirely agree!

You have learnt, out of necessity, how to navigate a calm life with your mother. You can predict her and protect yourself.
You'll never be able to fully relax in her company. You are not unrealistic in not being able to trust her.
Her mothering was cruel; I'm sorry for you. You did not earn nor deserve cruelty
Reading about how well you have adjusted, I see you as a kind person. To be unkind to your mother will probably not feel right with you, so I would let the relationship continue but on your own terms.
You are leaving for university. You will have far less contact. That will be a positive thing. Plan to have regular contact, from a distance, so that your mother is not worried.
Maybe sending her a monthly letter in the mail and a weekly short phone call (before class or work). Keep it non personal, informative - tell her about new jobs, good food etc. but not anything that you are not comfortable sharing.
Unexpected contact might spook you. Do you feel that you could do with talking to a uni counseller about the relationship?

Remember to have some phone numbers of trusted Uncles or a best sister to confide in for help. You will make new friends during your first couple of years and they will witness your happiest days and be a secure network for you for many many years. Choose friends like your generous self.

Best Wishes; concentrate on your own goals.

I understand this is kindly meant but it focuses on the mother...the OP needs to think about herself. Her posts already show a beautiful, but sad, degree of consideration for others and doubt of herself that indicate she's had to 'adult' way too much way too soon. There are other vulnerable children in that home with a mother who has been described as growling, smashing things and banging. The help such a mother needs cannot come from a child.

RiversofOtter5, all true and well said.

I meant to give Op confidence that she will cope fine and can manage less contact with her mother, that she was not to blame for her abuse but that, if she naturally feels like displaying kindness to her Mum, it is due to her own innate generous self. She needs to think of her needs and her own true self. Op will meet new supporters and life long friends.

Oh and I am the youngest. Brothers are all 20 and above. I think they are desensitised. And thank you for the reassurance about reaching out. I had a good look into the college chaplain and he has some nice stuff online. Hopefully if I make my offer I can talk to them. Actually another thought. Should I let the university know of my living situation now? Could this help if all goes wrong and I miss my offer?

OP you sound absolutely amazing and pretty kind and compassionate about your mum (mom!) too.

It may be, given what she herself has been through, that your mum has done her best. I think as a parent it can be harder if you've been abused yourself because the healthy role modelling hasn't been there. Or you may know what not to do because it's bad, and how it made you feel, but you still don't know all the really great things you should be doing as a parent.

Of course, you don't have to get over this or forgive your mum, you can go low contact or no contact. How you'll feel will change over the rest of your lifetime probably. Having my own kids was a huge and painful shift for me.

I hope you have an amazing time at uni and hope you can access some counselling if you want it.

It's disgusting what people let bad mothers get away with, their abuse is insidious and hidden under a veneer of niceness to outsiders most of the time. She's not even blaming her for anything because she's doing so well in spite of her mother being abusive. If it would be unacceptable for a husband to say to you, it's unacceptable for a mother to say whether she is stressed or overwhelmed or mentally ill or not.

OP I think once you're settled in uni you should cut her off for your own wellbeing if you feel ready to do so, and have formed your own support system. She'll probably be nicer to you when you're not around because she doesn't have to do anything for you, not because she's changed. Don't help her when she needs nappies.

I’m so sorry your school has let you down so badly. That’s utterly terrible. Keep reaching out here on mumsnet because we are all cheering you on. I only wish I was nearby to offer you a space to revise peacefully, complete with snacks and a computer…
I am in awe of your determination . You have got this! You did it for your GCSEs and you can do it again!
However, when you say talking to school is tricky- I suggest when you judge the time is right, go straight to the top. Ask for an appointment with the headteacher or designated safeguarding lead. Say you want to raise a long term safeguarding matter and refuse to speak to anyone else. You need to be listened to by someone senior- hopefully an intelligent wise person who has your best interests at heart. Being v pragmatic - they also value your potentially high grades and want to ensure you get these!
You don’t need to say much to the school- because you’ve got the written statement right here…

You could speak to Cambridge team but I’m not sure how or whether that would influence the offer they’ve made.

Why not ring Childline anonymously and get professional advice on who you should speak to and what practical help is available? They see these situations all the time. We are just a mixed bag of well wishers here on MN!- we don’t have the expertise. I certainly wouldn’t want to give you poor quality advice- you deserve the best right now.

You've had a horrible time and your mother has been awfully abusive.

Well done on finding the resilience to knuckle down and achieve such good prospects, as it will be useful in helping you 'escape'. The decision to cut her off is a personal one, but I'd advise limiting the time spent with her and how much space she has in your life - just as you would with any abuser.

She may have experienced an abusive childhood, but that's not your burden to bear. It almost cost you your life. I hope in time you can have some therapy to properly come to terms with that.

I read the Cambridge support as her being there so she can claim bragging rights. She did that for herself, not for you so you owe her nothing for doing that basic level of parenting.

Once you get to Cambridge, you will be allocated an academic tutor and a pastoral tutor. The academic one will come from your own subject or one very close to it. The pastoral one will be from an entirely different discipline. My daughter is a scientist. Her academic tutor was a scientist but her personal tutor was a musician - she's a good musician, just not studying it there so it was a great fit for her. We met him at graduation and he was a lovely chap. She could go to him about anything non-academic.

It is worth contacting the admissions team at Kings to make them aware of your situation. They may well have some great suggestions. Sorry that I don't know the exact name of who to contact.

I am really disappointed to read of your experience with safeguarding in your school. As @Fleetbug advises, they should be doing something to help you. I agree about going to see the DSL (Designated Safeguarding Lead) in your school and telling them what you have told us here. Alternatively, print it out and show them/email them. We have posters up in my school in every department to show our students who is on the safeguarding team so the information should be easily available. However, if one of my students came to speak to me as a teacher they felt comfortable with, and told me what you had, I would have referred it to the DSL/Team immediately.

You have the right and need to go through all kinds of feelings as you process what happened and make a new life for yourself. You deserve professional support and not some 'keep it in the family and friends circle' fudging. This is literally your life.

I probably would wait to disclose to Cambridge when all your plans are set up for going or even when you're on site. NB there's a university as well as a college chaplaincy...colleges have some autonomy and have additional but separate resources to university systems.

Safeguarding lead and/or Head of school sounds good. Especially if you are concerned about making your offer.

Is the whole conversation too outing? Might you want to edit or delete (report) details of geographical areas or institutions?

Hi, I was mainly thinking in terms of extenuating circumstances? I do agree that it’s a bit random but I know they take into account things like financial background when making admissions decisions, and my situation is a more detailed or complicated version of that I think. When I talk about admissions I am thinking in August when I get my results, as they are more lenient to candidates who have extenuating circumstances but miss their results. So maybe worth a try? I definitely don’t expect them to wave a magic wand and sort my situation out but I really, really want to make my offer.

Also to the commenter who suggested to delete the outing comments that it is a very good shout. I will report them now.

I have thought on it and I wont report to the school. Three months until I’m 18 and then there’s not much the council can do. And I know the headteacher will immediately tell my parents, which is so counter productive!!! I understand teachers have to, but surely in cases of parental abuse there should be some discretion? Btw am sorry if this is an emotional investment for the people watching this thread, if it does take up your energy you don’t have to reply.

Yes Cambridge could consider your extenuating circumstances. Remember they will also be under a legal obligation regarding safeguarding disclosure- just like your school. That’s why I suggest Childline in the first instance
www.childline.org.uk/get-support/contacting-childline/

Parents are not automatically informed.
“Good question — and the answer is no, not always.
In British law (across England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland), when a child makes a safeguarding disclosure — meaning they reveal that they are being harmed or are at risk of harm — professionals (like teachers, social workers, healthcare staff) have a duty to act in the child's best interests.
Parents are usually informed if a safeguarding issue arises. However, they might not be informed immediately or at all if:

• Telling the parents would put the child (or others) at greater risk.
• The parents themselves are suspected of causing the harm.”

This was from ChatGPT!
You are 17, legally a child and you have been subjected to quite serious abuse by your parents for many years. You are at a critical point in your life journey right now with much hanging on these results. If you are not ready to make a disclosure to school or to Cambridge, for fear of your parents finding out, please be reassured by this. If you aren’t ready to make a disclosure please at least call Childline and they will give much better advice than Mumsnet ❤️

I agree that the 'out of character' support for your Cambridge application process is most likely to be because having a daughter at Cambridge will validate her and / or give her bragging rights with her peers. She did it for herself and you don't owe her.

Yes 100% this

Yes, she's abusive.

Go to university, make friends, have fun, keep her on a low-info diet until you no longer have any financial dependence on her. When you're graduated and working you can consider whether you need to be NC.