17 Year Old Daughter- Is my mom abusive? Should I keep in touch with her after I move out?

[ThatDandyReader]

Hi all,

I am a frequent lurker on mn because all throughout my teens I was never sure whether the way my mom treated me was normal/justified, or if 'normal' moms don't treat their daughters this way. I will warn that this post will have a good dollop of melodrama but try and bear with me.

Essentially, I am to move out in September for uni and I finally have control over my relationship with my mom. I am asking everyone here: a) whether her behaviour is justified at all, like would you treat a daughter this way? and b) for anyone who had similar circumstances and is now an adult how they managed it?

Right, so I will start from the start of my secondary school days, as I would say this was when her behaviour verged on abuse. She would always be angry at me for not being a happy child, and tbh I found secondary school hard because I was quite introverted. Anyways, that coupled with frequent screaming matches at home where my mom and siblings would go at each other over small things really took a toll on me. My mental health was so awful, I was constantly getting scolded at school for not having equipment, uniform, etc, (felt scared to ask my mum for this stuff, too busy), and at home it was constant anger and hatred. This culminated in an attempt to take my life when I was 12 (sorry, tw, but this is relevant). Did not work essentially, mom called me a 'miserable bitch' and when I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling she says 'Do you think I don't feel the same way?' Anyways complete hell I felt there. Another incident at that same time was when my mom saw a notification on ,my phone and thought it was a boy. It was not- embarrassingly it was my fan page for a male YouTuber. Anyways, she smashes my phone and screams at me. I genuinely felt so traumatised. That was a year when I couldn't talk to my friends except at school and so very lonely.

What gets me is that there is never any apologies, in fact she would always say, 'Have you stopped putting your face up?' or 'Silly bitch deserved it.' And it's not as if she was always cruel, in fact with other daughters of family friends it was constant praise to them- 'Wow, isn't she gorgeous,' etc, etc. But my mom has never really asked me if I was okay, how I'm finding things, never got any positive validation even though I am a decent person school wise and I think I am quite nice.

I will say, things have gotten better over the years as I have completely knuckled down with my schoolwork. I know her pressure points so I never ask for money, or do anything rebellious, and I managed to perform well in school. What makes me think my mom has some good in her is how she has been in the uni application process. She really came through in terms of coming to open days, and (I really don't mean this as a brag), when I applied to Cambridge she got me practice interviews and paid for train tickets to visit. I did end up getting my place there and I feel like if I cut her off it's a massive betrayal for how hard she worked to get me there. And I am definitely not a perfect daughter- I would say my main faults are using her makeup when I was younger, cleaning up after myself, and when my mom shouts at me I just completely keep to myself and don't really speak to her. She has called me abusive for that before.

But again, I am torn because there was a recent event where I went to see Bristol on an open day and asked her to come with me. She really didn't want to and I did have to beg. It got to the day, I was so tired and I looked at her without smiling. She starts screaming at me for 'having my afce up' and banging the iron on the ironing board. I felt the exact same horrible feeling as when I was 11 again and I just get the sense that I am going to be subject to this anger all throughout my adult life if I do something that displeases her.

Sorry for how long this is, I am going a bit crazy when I reflect on all of it. Any thoughts would be appreciated, thank you for reading

I’m really sorry op. What you describe is abuse. And while I’m at it, helping you get into Uni is not a mum ‘coming through for you’, and it’s sad you think it is - it’s a mum being a mum. I too think your mum may well have some mental health challenges and while this may be one of possibly many reasons, it’s not acceptable, nor an excuse. Taking a break and reducing (potentially to zero) contact with her once you move, at least for a period of time, may well be an opportunity to reflect and consider what sort of relationship you want with her going forward. Well done on getting a place at Cambridge!

@ThatDandyReader first of all, congratulations on your acceptance to cambridge!!! you are definitely not being unreasonable!! did you not have any other family to help you? we are grandparents who look after 2 teens now after their mum died. our grandaughter has been seriously depressed and suicidal over the past few years and I have been frantically keeping an eye on her to make sure she is coping ok. we tried to keep the house as calm as possible for her. as for using her makeup? that is a normal thing for teens to do. mums accept it and learn to have duplicates and triplicates of everything. I seriously think your mum has some kind of mental health problem and it affects her behaviour towards you. try and lean on friends and make lots of new ones at uni. you dont have to go home to her house if you dont want to. all you can do is test the water and see what she is like on facetime or phonecalls in termtime.

My goodness , you are some young women to have done so well and got into Cambridge!! Well done. What you have experienced with your mum is definitely not normal, I have three daughters and reading your posts makes me sad.
Go to University, make the most of everything and live a wonderful life - probably without your mum’s input.
You have already proved yourself to be so capable of so much.

Hi OP. I've quoted the message above because it's almost exactly what I wanted to say.

Best of luck in university. Wow, you sound so articulate, self-composed and intelligent. You'll do well I'm sure.

I'm sorry it sounds like you've had a tricky childhood. I hope you find a bit more support going forward.

We are very low income so I am eligible for tons of bursaries. Hopefully I am successful in some of them and then my living costs should be alright. I have thought about the holidays. My living situation now is not okay to be honest. I sleep on the sofa and I have no room for myself and I can't stay here, even just because practically I can't do my uni work when there's just no space. Have managed these years by going to libraries. I really hope this doesn't sound like a fantastic tale it is just the truth. I have looked into Cambridge's support for estranged students and it is quite good. If I work as a waitress/something else for my college, I can earn my rent I think.

How much is the rent you'll have to earn?

My Mum was very verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I didn't actually realise it was 'abuse' 'til I was in my 30s.
Going to Uni allowed me to have the freedom I desperately needed and I was able to gradually pull away.
After the summer of the 1st year, I never went home again. Worked as much as I could in a grotty (but amazing!) pub around my studies and was longer beholden to my Mum.
My Mum was truly awful towards me (and my sibling), but I always have compassion towards her, as I was well aware of hard her life had been and how much she struggled with her MH and alcohol dependency.
Nothing excuses the excesses of how she treated me, but she was a seriously damaged woman who, despite everything, really did do her best (her best just wasn't good enough).
I never went NC - my sibling did - as, in many respects, I understood her.
I wish, in retrospect, I'd had the strength to go NC, as she really didn't actually deserve my financial and emotional support as an adult.
She died when I was 41 - I'm now 46. I was so glad when she died, as she was no longer suffering and I no longer had to deal with her (sounds horrible, but it's true).
I hope your way.
💚

None of what you experienced is normal.

I really hope that you get the fresh start that you deserve 💕

When your mum treats you badly what happens when she's calmed down? Does she apologise and try to make things right? or does she pretend that nothing has happened or make it that it's your fault she behaved as she did?

That was the decider for me. You'll get a lot of people (and there are some on this thread) saying that no one is perfect, that she's your mum and you should cut her some slack etc. But if you have a parent who (to take one example from your post) smashes your phone and screams at you, and does not even acknowledge that this is bad behaviour - that's not just an "imperfect person", that's someone who thinks that what they are doing is ok. And it's not ok.

I would definitely do what I could in your position to plan for complete independence physically, financially and emotionally. Then you can decide if you still want her in your life a little bit or phase her out. For clarity, there is nothing that could ever make me treat my kids the way you’ve described and there is absolute no way it is your fault. Unfortunately there is something very wrong with someone who behaves that way. It doesn’t mean you have to decide to cut her out - but I would certainly consider it.

Well done.
Yes it is abusive...
You're not alone. I can relate to a lot of your experiences. The eggshells, always being the black sheep, never asking for anything.
I left home the summer before Uni for a job and never returned except for a few days. It is possible to live away during holidays, I worked. I was broke but apart from annoying flatmates I had peace of mind. Family had no interest in my going to college.
Well done, you should be very proud of yourself.

So for term time the college caps rent at 5k if you are from a low income background. So that should be covered by maintenance loan/scholarship if need be. I have been offered a place for law and there are some good firms that sponsor scholarships, I read that Slaughter and May give 1.5k a year so that would help. Holiday time I am apprehensive for. I think if I expressed my financial and personal need the college would let me stay, provided I earned my keep? When I went for interview I met a student who was working at the cafeteria, I'm guessing because they had similar circumstances.

Ah tricky for me because I'm not 18 until results day! Bitter irony haha. But I am 100% on it to sort my living arrangements out once I am all moved out.

I went to uni with a friend who had similar upbringing to you...she used uni to escape...do it ..good luck with your studies x

Slaughter & May no.1 law farm
Cambridge no.1 university

You have beaten all the odds at 17 with an abusive mother.
Well done. You have a fantastic future.

Yes, well done . At 17 ! You are incredible.

Your mother called you abusive for shutting down after she abused you? No op, you were not abusive, you were in flight mode and so anxious you didn't dare speak.

I know what it's like to have an abusive mother like yours and to feel sorry for her for her hard work in xyz. And to feel sorry that she herself was abused.
But that doesn't mean she can take it out on you.

I have not continued the cycle of abuse, and there are a lot of people who have been traumatised and abused who are also loving adults and parents. It takes a conscious effort and might need therapy or inner work but you already have amazing self awareness.

You feel torn because of your conditioning, you're been taught by your mother to put her first even if it hurts yourself. You've also learnt to stay quiet and small as to not upset your mother.

You have done so well to get into Cambridge! It is a huge fresh start for you and a time for you to focus on yourself.

Don't let anyone hold you back or keep you small, regardless of your past, your background or your finances.

Congratulations on your Cambridge place. God, I wish I could give you a hug. What you have been through is not OK. Your mum should never have spoken to you that way. Yes, it is abusive, and feeling on eggshells when you should feel safe at home can take a big toll on your mental health.

There will probably be some free counselling services once you get to uni. Take advantage of them. This stuff takes a long time to heal from and talking to someone impartial gives you the best possible chance. Until you decide what to do about your relationship with your mum you can always decide to be distant/“busy”.

Good luck! You should be so, so proud of yourself. You have survived and a more independent life awaits!

That was heartbreaking to read and definitely not a normal or healthy home environment. Teen years are so hard. Its awkward and it's lonely and it's when you need your mum's love and support the most.

Don't feel like you need to make excuses for her behaviour or try and justify her actions for you doing normal kid/teen stuff. The blame lies solely with her. Parenting is hard work and we all get stressed or make mistakes but the scenarios you have described are just awful and not how a parent should treat their child. That turning point should have been the attempt on your life and yet there doesn't seem to be any concern on her part for that, just anger.

I have a strained relationship with my mum. She has a lot of mental health problems which made home life difficult (regular screaming matches, weird mood swings, accusations similar to your "boy" on phone story, that feeling of walking on Eggshells all the time) but she did show love and affection on her good days. I moved out when I was 19 and in my adult years moved several hours away from my hometown. We get on far better with some distance between us. Its helped me to heal and she has apologised many times since, about how she was when I was growing up.

Don't feel like you have to make any big decisions now. Enjoy your uni experience. You got in because you are wonderful. Not because your mother finally did something right and pulled through for you.

It’s not normal. You should feel so proud of yourself for achieving everything you have. I just want to give you a great big hug.

The very fact that you say you believe you’re a good person and you’re likeable means that her abuse hasn’t gone to your core, so well done for holding onto your intrinsic value. I feel proud of you and I don’t even know you. If you were my daughter, I’d be bursting with pride even more so! You’re going to have an amazing life ahead of you, whatever it is that you choose to do. ✨

I say this as someone who has a complicated relationship with my own parents after becoming an adult and realising that their behaviour was also abusive, but there is no right or wrong answer on a relationship going forward.

You may find that the distance between you and your mum helps you, she may mellow and so may you. She might find your successful life at a very prestigious university challenging and feel
jealous and triggered. She may miss you lots and soften towards you. No one can say.

From what you’ve said, it sounds like she could go either way. No matter what happens, trust your instincts, trust in your own value and self-worth, protect your hard-won independence and peace of mind. From my part, I have a limited relationship with my parents. I also left home for university at 17 and never went back! I still love them and I do see them, but I try my best not to let their moods and rants and reactions and emotions trigger me. I’m more detached now. I don’t if I’ll ever be sure about what level is contact is right for me, because it’s complicated.

Wish you all the very best, you deserve an amazing life! 💐✨💕

Blimey, you've done so well to get to (any) university with the abusive life you've had to endure. You have your escape route in front of you. Once your exams are over work every hour you can in as many part time jobs you can get, and squirrel the money away. This will cushion you for your move to university. Take out all the Govt loans you can get and also research if there are any local charitable funds for students going to university. There are generous benefactors who look for worthy recipients of funding. Ask your Head of Sixth Form if they know of anyone and do your own research too. You can sometimes find people who will provide funds towards textbooks etc. Once at university be careful how much paid work you take on in term time, you want to secure your best degree. Be prudent about how much time you spend back at home. You leaving home may trigger increased abusive behaviour from your mother and you need to protect yourself from that. Be open with your personal tutor at university, so they have an understanding of your background. You may find the university counselling service more accessible than one through your GP. Good luck!

OP, you are incredible!q

You have achieved more than millions us ever will and you’ve done it by yourself.

You are 17 and have managed to gain entry to one of the best universities in the country (if not the world) while sleeping on the couch and studying in libraries. When you get to uni, ask a few people what their journeys were like. I bet lots of them had tutors, coaching from school, parents that were involved etc.

You have grown up in a highly abusive environment. Your DM may have had an abusive background, but she didn’t have to be abusive to you. She could show compassion and niceness to other people, so she was capable of it.

Our mums create the blueprints for all our relationships. We are programmed to unconditionally love our parents and to do things to gain their approval/acceptance. If the emotional feedback we get is negative (being told to go away, we’re useless, being made to feel we’re a disappointment) our emotional feedback pathways are programmed incorrectly and instead of getting feedback of being nurtured, secure, encouraged and loved for doing completely normal child things, we get the feedback that we are useless, awful, bad etc. How are relationship blueprint is created will impact everything we do. If you’re never given positive feedback, nothing you do will feel like a success. You won’t be self-confident because you’ve never been taught you are a good person (just you alone, not what you’ve done or not done).

I thought it interesting that the iron banging incident shot you back to being 11. Those experiences you had when young are imprinted on your unconscious mind so there will be more things that trigger that response. You might hear someone shout and feel that panic response. The good news is that all of that is “normal” in that it is known about and can be helped (if you’re a mumsnet regular you’ll know about things like The Script! Behaviour that posters can predict not because we’re witches, but because the person doing the thing is following a recognisable way of behaving). Getting the right type of therapy will help you undo the damage that has been done and will give you the tools to get through life (not that it sounds like you need them!). The even better news is that you’re 17 so you’ve found out early and can learn the spot the 🚩 (if your relationship blueprint has been abusive you can be drawn to abusive people because that’s what you’ve been taught is “normal”).

Learn to take credit for yourself. Give yourself time to enjoy your achievements. That might be big stuff like getting in to Oxford or it might be making dinner. Realise that your mum can’t be the mum you need. You don’t need to cut her from your life (unless that’s the best thing for you) but you don’t need to spend the rest of your life trying to get something that isn’t there. Don’t chase something you’ll never catch. Do you know the stats of people getting into Oxford? Maybe have a look at them. You did that. Not your mum, not any other family member, not anyone at school. You. You’re bloody incredible!!

The world is at your feet. Go take your first step x

OP, you are not flawed, your Mum was abusive to you. At some stage, you should consider counselling for yourself. First though, concentrate on your exams and getting to Uni. If you do cut her off, where will you go outside of uni-term time/summer break, etc. Will you need your Mum to finance you through Uni ?

I wouldn’t be overly thankful that your Mum brought you to Cambridge, she probably did that for the prestige of it, as she was reluctant to support the. Bristol visit.

Parents can be cruel and from what you’ve written you did nothing wrong and definitely not warranted (not that it’s ever really warranted) how your mum spoke and treated you. Unfortunately, you have been conditioned to believe things are your fault.

Take care of yourself and best wishes with Uni and exams.

Lolapusht’s post above is excellent. Keep re-reading it.

your mum definitely behaved abusively towards you and I wouldnt blame you for not wanting to see her. Im glad you managed to still succeed in everything youve put your mind to.

I think some parents are just shit at it and it can take a long time to make peace with it. You dont owe her anything for helping you get into university. Im glad she finally did something to help you, but you would have managed despite her. It was you that got in, not her.

id go low contact.