17 Year Old Daughter- Is my mom abusive? Should I keep in touch with her after I move out?

[ThatDandyReader]

Hi all,

I am a frequent lurker on mn because all throughout my teens I was never sure whether the way my mom treated me was normal/justified, or if 'normal' moms don't treat their daughters this way. I will warn that this post will have a good dollop of melodrama but try and bear with me.

Essentially, I am to move out in September for uni and I finally have control over my relationship with my mom. I am asking everyone here: a) whether her behaviour is justified at all, like would you treat a daughter this way? and b) for anyone who had similar circumstances and is now an adult how they managed it?

Right, so I will start from the start of my secondary school days, as I would say this was when her behaviour verged on abuse. She would always be angry at me for not being a happy child, and tbh I found secondary school hard because I was quite introverted. Anyways, that coupled with frequent screaming matches at home where my mom and siblings would go at each other over small things really took a toll on me. My mental health was so awful, I was constantly getting scolded at school for not having equipment, uniform, etc, (felt scared to ask my mum for this stuff, too busy), and at home it was constant anger and hatred. This culminated in an attempt to take my life when I was 12 (sorry, tw, but this is relevant). Did not work essentially, mom called me a 'miserable bitch' and when I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling she says 'Do you think I don't feel the same way?' Anyways complete hell I felt there. Another incident at that same time was when my mom saw a notification on ,my phone and thought it was a boy. It was not- embarrassingly it was my fan page for a male YouTuber. Anyways, she smashes my phone and screams at me. I genuinely felt so traumatised. That was a year when I couldn't talk to my friends except at school and so very lonely.

What gets me is that there is never any apologies, in fact she would always say, 'Have you stopped putting your face up?' or 'Silly bitch deserved it.' And it's not as if she was always cruel, in fact with other daughters of family friends it was constant praise to them- 'Wow, isn't she gorgeous,' etc, etc. But my mom has never really asked me if I was okay, how I'm finding things, never got any positive validation even though I am a decent person school wise and I think I am quite nice.

I will say, things have gotten better over the years as I have completely knuckled down with my schoolwork. I know her pressure points so I never ask for money, or do anything rebellious, and I managed to perform well in school. What makes me think my mom has some good in her is how she has been in the uni application process. She really came through in terms of coming to open days, and (I really don't mean this as a brag), when I applied to Cambridge she got me practice interviews and paid for train tickets to visit. I did end up getting my place there and I feel like if I cut her off it's a massive betrayal for how hard she worked to get me there. And I am definitely not a perfect daughter- I would say my main faults are using her makeup when I was younger, cleaning up after myself, and when my mom shouts at me I just completely keep to myself and don't really speak to her. She has called me abusive for that before.

But again, I am torn because there was a recent event where I went to see Bristol on an open day and asked her to come with me. She really didn't want to and I did have to beg. It got to the day, I was so tired and I looked at her without smiling. She starts screaming at me for 'having my afce up' and banging the iron on the ironing board. I felt the exact same horrible feeling as when I was 11 again and I just get the sense that I am going to be subject to this anger all throughout my adult life if I do something that displeases her.

Sorry for how long this is, I am going a bit crazy when I reflect on all of it. Any thoughts would be appreciated, thank you for reading

Did not know that... was so confused! And it's spelt 'mom'?

Yes

Honestly she sounds like she has mental health issues of her own. Does she try her best?

My mother is a bit nuts at times (maybe ADHD?) but i know she cares alot about me. Maybe best in small doses.

i don’t like the fashion of going NC

Wow. Really interesting. So happy that you made a beautiful life for yourself. That's amazing!!! I kind of relate to the good moments. It is not all screamy shouty all the time, but there's just that gut feeling when times are bad that I should never be treated like this. But maybe that is therapy talk? I think there's generational split about this where my gen is all 'protect your peace' and then in previous times there's been a more balanced approach. I get both sides tbh. I think right now I do need to protect my peace a bit.

Run lovey run! She sounds a complete horror. You have done so well in your university applications but her help doesn’t offset all the other painful stuff.

I'm 21. If my mother had treated me like that, then doctors, the police, and the school authorities would have been called in.
Whatever good things she's done can't make up for driving you to wanting to commit suicide.
But congrats on getting into Cambridge. Once at uni you'll find yourself (I did) and you'll have a great time with new friends and new interests.
Can you drive yet? That is a very important step. (Sorry if I've missed some detail in your post.)

She does I think. She doesn't speak of her childhood really and it was through an aunt I learnt that she was physically abused. I can't deal with the verbal abuse though it absolutely knocks my confidence. I will say that she works hard to bring money in, and she did try with my uni application stuff. When she's not stressed, she's much better and its less walking on eggshells.

The reason is right there in the op. One wrong look at her mother and she’s met with screaming, profanities and violence which she doesn’t want to put up with throughout her entire life. Do you expect her to put up with being abused forever?

I think when you go to uni, and especially if/when you have children, you will realise that your mum absolutely should not have treated you as she did. Would you treat your own children that way? I think you are blaming yourself too much OP. You've been the child and she's been the adult. It's ok to recognise that how she treated you was wrong. 💐

My mum has also treated me badly over the years. I'm sorry your mum behaved the way she did.

What I would say is life is a long road and in that time I have had periods where I've not wanted to speak to my mum at all and other times I've valued her.

I suppose I think it doesn't need to be binary - stay in contact or not. You can take it day by day about what you need at that time.

You're going to be so busy at uni that the relationship will inevitably change. Don't make her allow you to feel like you owe her or that she calls all the shots in how much you see or speak to her.

Good luck. I'm excited for your future x

I’m so sorry to hear how you have been treated, this is child abuse. You’ve done so well to get in to Cambridge, congratulations!
I would not think twice about cutting contact with her, she is not a mother, she sounds vile. I would also consider therapy as it sounds like you’ve been through a lot and you could really benefit from it.
Best of luck with your studies!

Ah that is a good point in that last paragraph. Am hoping to save up as much as I can so I don't have to rely on her financially. Thank you for the reminder!

Well it could be stress and could get better as you become independent. Could she be going through menopause as well?

No one is perfect. You’re so young you still need a mother, even an imperfect one.

I’ve learned to ignore my mothers most crazy behaviours. But I released she simply doesn’t have self control. Even she knows she’s out of line but it comes out anyway. As a result I’m pretty resilient and independent 😂

i still value her being around and her non crazy insights

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing at this point. I would plan not to go home for long periods in the uni holidays (get a local job) and limit her ability to behave poorly to you.

My mother called me a bitch on my 11th birthday... we were living in what was then called a third world country. My father worked for the government on aid projects and unfortunately back in the late 70s my mother was able to accompany him to these 'postings' as a trailing spouse.

It was a miserable hot boring day just like any other. We weren't able to leave the compound we were living on, there were no other expat children there and we weren't allowed to mix with the native children at all. No shops, no TV, no pets, nothing. Only entertainment we had was the radio, mainly the BBC World Service. My parents (both narcissists) couldn't be arsed to try and make the day feel special for me in any way.

I dared to be a bit upset and probably said I was missing my cat. So my mother called me a bitch. That was 45 years ago and I've never forgiven her. Moved to the other side of the world when I was 23 and have seen her only twice in the last 30 odd years.

I'd go to university, and start to limit the time you spend with her. You don't need her negativity in your life.

respectfully, it was people saying things like “you still need a mother, even an imperfect one” which meant I allowed my mother to continue to emotionally abuse me well into motherhood. Some mothers are difficult but can be managed, others are awful, abusive people to such an extent that life can only ever be better without them in it.

Yes that was full on abuse. Welcome to the club 😁 there are many of us.
Firstly it’s amazing that you have worked it out so early, a lot of us spend years thinking we caused the abuse, and then have to scramble to start the healing process in middle age. You are miles ahead.
Go to therapy, maybe not talk therapy, but anything that clears trauma. Start meditating, you need to calm your nervous system before you burn out and wind up with chronic fatigue or some weird autoimmune condition.
Dont think you have to rush, for many of us healing takes a lifetime.
Many people find it’s easier to heal while they are no contact but decide what’s right for you. Good luck, you are in good company

She's mean even when she isn't stressed I think. As in, after we've had an argument (Bristol example), she'll say 'silly bastard, are you feeling better now?' And that might be fine if we were friends but I just don't get the humour in it. If I am honest I do feel like I've had to mother myself a bit. In my OP I said that I could never ask my mom for money for things like a calculator or a maths set because it would make her money stresses worse. I had to use my dinner money for that. Looking back now even if she tried her best she could have tried harder to at least be nice to me. I sound a bit victim-y here but I think what I'm saying is valid.

I am so sorry you experienced this. It is a lack of empathy from them and I hope you have other sources of joy in your life.

What you are saying is 100% valid.
Stress is not an accuse for abuse. Years ago I was a single mum living in a refuge after escaping domestic abuse. I was broken and beyond stressed. I never once spoke to my children like that or treated them the way your mother did you.

True of course we don’t know all the details and only OP can decide for herself what the best thing to do is.

i personally stuck with it. I know it’s not easy. I believe in family for good or ill. I’m not even religious

My mum was quite distant and angry all the time while we were younger, lots of screaming and shouting. Not as bad as your mum though, but still felt like eggshells and she once beat me with my diary.
She mellowed massively as I grew older and we have a good relationship now, she admitted she had severe depression for a number of years and had a lot of childhood trauma herself which I found out when I was older. Her own mum was similar and she never had a dad. I moved out when I was 17.
I think go to uni, build your life and make the big decisions later, you've got a great opportunity with your uni to build a life that you want and then at a later date you can addresss the issues with your mum. Concentrate on yourself and your studies, and who you want to be. Then at some point you can decide what to do. The distance and time apart will put things into perspective and understand if you feel you still want a relationship.

I completely believe you. I was also a "nerd" and worked very hard to get to a good uni as I realised at about 14 that it was my ticket out of the misery that was my home life. My stepfather worked but drank heavily and neither he nor my DM saw any value in higher education, to the point they mocked and undermined my efforts. I went to my open days on my own, paid for with money I earned from working 5 hours a week whilst studying for my A levels.

I also knew my mother's pressure points and felt I was continually walking on eggshells as she would fly into a rage at any perceived grievance and would store them up in her mind and then let rip about things that had occurred weeks, sometimes, months earlier.
It was a very mentally unhealthy environment and just how unhealthy only became clear to me once I'd left.

As others have said, counselling would probably be of benefit to you. In the meantime, well done for getting into Cambridge. That's your achievement, not hers. The world is your oyster!

Whether you choose to cut contact with your DM is something only you can decide. I persevered with mine hoping that things would improve now that we weren't living under the same roof. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and in my early 30s - after yet another nasty episode - I went no contact.

I hope you have a great time at uni x

Are you going to be self funded through university? Where will you live in the holidays?

Your Mum sounds like mine, I never moved home again, but did have to struggle through holidays. And sadly it got worse over the long summer breaks. So think about practicalities. Cambridge has short terms and long breaks, where can you go and how can you support yourself? Would a uni with long terms suit you better?
And I'm another voice saying seek out through student support team on day one.