Feel I’ve wasted my life

[NoisyPinkViper]

Am now 67, at 17, growing up on a farm, I wanted to live in the wilds, be self sufficient etc etc. None of my partners ever supported this idea and I am now in a village with constant traffic noise. I didn’t want another doer-upper but here I am! Hate the house, but husband has to have access to good rail/road for his job. He shows no sign of retiring so the chances of me moving back to the countryside before I die/become less able are remote. Have just reached the end of my tether - help!

Why have you compromised your dreams and hopes for the sake of your partner? It’s never too late to change this.

Personally, I think it's too late. I would be worried about access to transport, community and healthcare as I age.

Take lots of remote camping holidays instead.

I always thought they would change, get on board with my ideas.

I disagree, I would get to a hospital faster via air ambulance then by road and waiting for a normal ambulance

Air ambulance? Do you think they’re sending air ambulances for routine scans? GP appointments? I’m sorry you feel your life is wasted ( I definitely have regrets about my life) but you must have made a series of decisions over the years to get to this point. This is not the result of one bad decision. Presumably there were good reasons for choosing the partners you have given they didn’t share your ambition.

It’s not just about getting to hospital, it’s getting to GP appointments and do your shopping if you have to give up your car for any reason.
MIL stopped driving by 70 because she lost her confidence after an accident, and moving to somewhere close to shops and facilities has been great for her. My own DF is only 75 but having health issues that affect his driving ability - very grateful he also lives in the centre of town.
Could you get an allotment? Take up house/pet sitting and choose peaceful locations to decamp to regularly?
I love spending time by the coast but for practical reasons can’t move there. I spend on average a week a month house sitting by the sea and it keeps me going!

Well that was silly wasn’t it. If you really wanted a certain lifestyle why didn’t you pursue that as your priority rather than settling for partners with different life goals? If you’re in good health still why not do it now

You can’t blame all your ex-partners and H for you not establishing the life you dreamed of.

Air ambulance?? £££!!

Also I assume you spend the money your partner earns in his job that he needa access to transport to get to?

I always dreamt that one day I would live in a little village but the reality is that when you retire you need to be close to good healthcare and a train station.

at 17, growing up on a farm, I wanted to live in the wilds, be self sufficient etc etc

Sorry op but this sounds like a bit of a fairytale...what does it even mean? Live in the wilds? In a house or literally outside? Electricity or not? Running water? This would have probably not been very realistic or achievable anyway.

Do you think your dream country life is a realistic one? A lot of country villages struggle with traffic these days.

That’s actually true!

Is there any way you could get a timeshare in a remote holiday cottage? Even if you downsized where you are? Have you read about Tove Janssen’s island existence? You’d enjoy her story I think.

It actually isn’t too late op..,

Self sufficent remote living is a big lifestyle decision, not something you drift in to. If that was genuinely your dream in life you needed to be clear with your partner early on and actively work towards achiving it. It isn't something you can just passively hope someone will come around to.

I grew up in New Zealand and knew/know several people who live that lifestyle.

It is very, very difficult. Being self sufficient requires a huge amount of work and the ones that have reached about 60 have all moved closer into town to houses with less maintenance. It's very hard on your body and you have to think about random things you've always taken for granted.

It's not too late to go on rural holidays, but it is definitely (in my opinion) too late to begin that life.

It does sound like a lovely dream... But I wonder whether if you had indeed lived that life, you would be posting now saying you wished you had tried suburban living and that living in a self sufficient way had made you exhausted.

How often have you done mini versions of what you want?
Wild camping?
Working holiday on a self sufficient farm?
Holiday at a croft of shepherd's hut in the middle of nowhere?
Grown your own veg, bottled your own fruit, made jam, bread, cheese, harvested wild garlic, brambles, made nettle soup?
Do all of these this year. If you don't bother then you've learned the fundamental lesson about making dreams come true: the difference between desire and drive. Desire is: I want, I hope and pray it will happen to me. Drive is: I want so I will do xyz towards it. One's passive, the other is active.

Could you look at a compromise OP?

You could look for somewhere quieter to live but that still is not a completely isolated rural location.

Like you I would love to go back to living in the countryside in complete peace and silence.

But I am middle aged now with some health issues and I know it would be tricky for me to live on my own somewhere really rural.

I compromise by living in a small, pretty, quiet seaside town with lots of green spaces nearby where I can still easily access GP, dentist, hospital and transport.

I grow my own fruits and vegs and live as green a lifestyle as I can still :).

It’s not too late to compromise. Get an allotment, get a small camper and go wild camping. Your op is a reality check that life is short. Love yourself enough to make dreams a reality.

How self sufficient are we talking?
You want Netflix and mains sewage but you just want to be far away from roads? Or you want to haul your drinking water from the nearest burn and build your own polytunnel from driftwood?

I think the idea of house sitting is a nice one. Look for rural properties where someone needs a person to look after animals/water plants while they're away. You could argue that if your husband wants to live somewhere accessible then you get to choose the condition of your house (not a doer upper) and the amount of land/allotment that you have. Good luck.

Living on the land and being self sufficient is hard, hard physical work, and those who have pursued that dream often find themselves having to scale down or compromise in some way as they get older, so yes, you've probably missed that particular boat.

But I think that if you had really wanted to live that life, you'd have made different choices along the line. Blaming successive partners seems pretty convenient!

In my opinion you can get a taste of that kind of life without commitment by volunteering on a smallholding through WWOOF or Workaway. All of the simple pleasures, none of the responsibility!

There's still time. You don't need a man to realise your dream. You've compromised enough, if he doesn't want to compromise for you, do it without him.

I think compromise is the way forward op.

Which aspects of this lifestyle most appeal? The remoteness? Growing your own food? Generating electricity ( or living without)?

Find the aspects that most appeal and build that into your lifestyle.

Going against the grain here, but my grandparents still lived another healthy 20 years after reaching your age. It's not too late to live the life you want. People will always tell you that your dreams are impossible and unachievable, but don't listen to them.