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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel I’ve wasted my life

108 replies

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 07:29

Am now 67, at 17, growing up on a farm, I wanted to live in the wilds, be self sufficient etc etc. None of my partners ever supported this idea and I am now in a village with constant traffic noise. I didn’t want another doer-upper but here I am! Hate the house, but husband has to have access to good rail/road for his job. He shows no sign of retiring so the chances of me moving back to the countryside before I die/become less able are remote. Have just reached the end of my tether - help!

OP posts:
Freshflower · 25/04/2025 09:25

Life doesn't always go the way we hope it will. I'm the same ended up somewhere i dont want to be but not in any position to change for various reasons. You have options. Put your foot down and go and live back in the countryside, even if its on your own. Or talk with your husband about the possibility of retiring there in the near future. Or accept it won't change but make regular trips there?

Lovelyview · 25/04/2025 09:26

You could also look at Wwoof - working on organic farms in exchange for food and accommodation.

https://wwoof.org.uk/en/hosts

WWOOF

https://wwoof.org.uk/en/hosts

Enough4me · 25/04/2025 09:30

OP, why not look at options to try it for a month or so (airbnb/wwoof) rather than a big change and the reality doesn't live up to the dream?
If it does, take your finances and move to a rural location by yourself.

proximalhumerous · 25/04/2025 09:33

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Living "in the wilds" (whatever that means exactly) is probably unrealistic at this stage, but I live ten minutes' walk from a tube station in Zone 3 and don't have constant traffic noise, so I'm sure you could find somewhere quieter/better in that respect.

Unpaidviewer · 25/04/2025 09:34

Get out and live your dream. Have you looked to see if there are any groups of people doing similar? Do you have some money that you could buy some land and see about getting permission to put a caravan on it? Could you work remotely? Look on YouTube for some inspiration, there are plenty of people doing stuff similar and quite cheaply. I sae a post about a girl who's going solo travelling in a van the other week. Think the channel is "kinging it"?

DogeCon · 25/04/2025 09:36

Wasted? That’s a really big statement. And I would be extremely pissed off to see that if I were your partner (as would you if it was the other way around)

Those 50 years and there is nothing worth having? That suggests to me that you need to take a long hard look at (a) your attitude and (b) your willingness to forge your own path.

If this is important to you, what on a practical level is stopping you? What are you prepared to give up to make it happen?

MereNoelle · 25/04/2025 09:37

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 08:04

I always thought they would change, get on board with my ideas.

If my husband married me thinking I’d change and get on board with ideas I’d always made clear I didn’t want to do, he’d be sorely disappointed.

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 10:58

Part of the problem is I was ‘diagnosed’ as a high functioning autistic about 20 years ago, which explains how I cannot ‘read’ people, cannot cope with anything that overwhelms my senses and prefer my own company.

OP posts:
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 11:01

Interesting how many of you ‘hit’ back with why didn’t I live my life, why did I compromise - I do not know of ONE woman who hasn’t had to make huge compromises for their male partner.
I was hoping I would find a supportive forum to try to help my current mental state,

OP posts:
XelaM · 25/04/2025 11:01

It's not too late to live the life you want OP. As I said, my grandparents were healthy for another 20 years when they were your age and my parents are your age now and (touch wood) super active.

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 11:03

He was supposed to retire but the company ‘needs’ him - basically he cannot imagine a life outside of his bloody job!

OP posts:
XelaM · 25/04/2025 11:08

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 11:03

He was supposed to retire but the company ‘needs’ him - basically he cannot imagine a life outside of his bloody job!

Do you have to live together for 365 days of the year? Could you get yourself a piece of land and a caravan and live away from home for a few months of the year?

Pamspeople · 25/04/2025 11:14

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 11:01

Interesting how many of you ‘hit’ back with why didn’t I live my life, why did I compromise - I do not know of ONE woman who hasn’t had to make huge compromises for their male partner.
I was hoping I would find a supportive forum to try to help my current mental state,

I know lots of women who haven't made huge compromises or given up their dreams for their male partners! I'm sorry you've not had the responses you hoped for, although there have been loads of responses suggesting you look for ways to bring the lifestyle you want into your life in some way. In your original post you said "help!" - what bit are you wanting help with? Your relationship? Finding a way to enjoy your life? Finding a way to live the life your 17 year old self wanted?

Flytrap01 · 25/04/2025 12:10

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 11:03

He was supposed to retire but the company ‘needs’ him - basically he cannot imagine a life outside of his bloody job!

what industry does he work in ?

Lovelyview · 25/04/2025 12:16

Op ignore the unhelpful comments, there are helpful comments on here too. Do any of them resonate? You could look at counselling or even life coaching to try to work out how to live a happier life.

5128gap · 25/04/2025 12:20

A wasted life is one that brings no benefit or happiness to the person living it, or anyone they come into contact with. What you're talking about is disappointment at not being able to live exactly as you choose. A very different thing, and one common to most of us to some degree or another. I'm sure my life would have been better if I'd been able to spend it financially free, travelling the world, but I couldn't, and that's too bad. So I make the most of the opportunities my circumstances allow to do things that take me closer to that. You could too. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, just introduce some of the things from your dream into the life you have.

MewithME · 25/04/2025 12:27

I'm having these feelings at 50. I've felt trapped by having a child with SEN with a exh who kept me living somewhere I don't want through court and child, and now with chronic illness, I feel I will never have the life I wanted.

It's hard. But I think you have to look very honestly at your decisions. We all make the best decisions we can at the time.

While it is unlike your husband will quit his job and head off on an adventure with you, it doesn't mean you can't have an advantage of your own.

How about going to housesit somewhere remote? Or getting a summer job doing something like volunteering with national trust or rspb or something? I bet there are all sorts of opportunities to go somewhere and have an adventure if you are healthy and have the means.

Do something for you. Enjoy your time while you are healthy.

Mylegishangingoff · 25/04/2025 12:28

I think a lot of people(myself included) don't get the exact life that they want. Do you have a garden where you live? Do you grow your own fruit and veg now? You can fit a lot into quite a small space. I've spent a lot of time making my garden into my oasis. I can sit there surrounded by flowers and forget that I live in a rather rubbish town. If you don't have a garden would a compromise be not living out in the boondocks but having a large garden where you can have chickens and grow veg or whatever it is you want to do?

I used to hate where we live but instead of dwelling on it I've focused on the positives and tried to make what I do have as close to what I would have in an ideal world as I can.

MewithME · 25/04/2025 12:39

Here is an old link to the kind of thing I was suggesting...

https://volunteer.rspb.org.uk/opportunities/23985-residential-on-reserve-more-than-4-weeks-ramsey-island-2022-01-01

And

https://scottishwildlifetrust.org.uk/how-to-help/volunteer/residential-volunteering/volunteering-on-handa

Or if you can afford it, why not just book a 3 month let somewhere and go enjoy yourself with some solitude? Or longer? Your husband can come visit or vice versa. Get an allotment?

Volunteering on Handa

https://scottishwildlifetrust.org.uk/how-to-help/volunteer/residential-volunteering/volunteering-on-handa

Createausername1970 · 25/04/2025 12:51

Divebar2021 · 25/04/2025 08:12

Air ambulance? Do you think they’re sending air ambulances for routine scans? GP appointments? I’m sorry you feel your life is wasted ( I definitely have regrets about my life) but you must have made a series of decisions over the years to get to this point. This is not the result of one bad decision. Presumably there were good reasons for choosing the partners you have given they didn’t share your ambition.

My parents lived in a very nice village in a rural setting, just north of God's elbow. A routine hospital appointment took up a whole day. It took 3 hours on 4 buses to get to the nearest hospital and the first bus didn't leave their village till 7.30 a.m. The last one went through at 5.30 p.m. Their window for appointments was basically 11.00 a.m. - 12.30 as the had to be out of the appointment and heading back to the bus stop by 1.45 at the very latest in order not to miss the final bus. My sister took them when she could, but that was a chunk out of her working day - or she collected them from the nearest town if they had missed the connection.

I get the desire to be rural, especially if it's part of your formative life, but there are practicalities to be factored in.

justkeepswimingswiming · 25/04/2025 12:53

Life’s to short to be miserable. Pack in the relationship and go live your dream.

jaytotbad · 25/04/2025 13:30

I think you've left it too late to now move out to the wilds and try to have a self-sufficient life. A lot of people who have lived that lifestyle start moving back into villages or towns towards their late 60s and early 70s because even though you don't want to think about aging, you are aging and things start becoming impractical. You might end up needing to attend GP and hospital appointments more regularly, and no, you can't just get an air ambulance for that. You might find that you aren't able to drive any more for medical reasons. You might find it harder to drive distances even if you are still able to. You will find things harder such as digging in the garden and so on.
So I do think you need to let go of that dream because it's not going to happen.

However, I can sense your frustration with your husband. You're 67 and you want to be doing "something" but you are trapped and you don't know how long this will go on for because he shows no sign of retiring.
So that means you have to make changes now so that you get to enjoy your retirement years, not just sitting around waiting for him to maybe give up work at some point and your life can start.

What's your fitness like? Do you go out and hike in the countryside? I'd start with that.
If you want some inspiration, read "Grandma Gatewood's Walk" who hiked the Appalachian trail for the first time at the age of 67, or read the Wikipedia article on her which summarizes it.
There is nothing stopping you doing something like that (unless you have mobility issues of course).
You don't have to walk as far as that, you could start with hikes locally and then maybe do some multi-day hikes staying in guesthouses and then work up to multi-day hikes with a tent and go wild camping.

I am someone who wants to be out in the wilds but it's just not practical. I can quell this desire to run away from it all to a farm in the back of beyond by going on a long-distance trek every single year for at least a month, with tent. It's marvellous. The rest of the year I'll go and camp out somewhere overnight. It really recharges me. The peace in the evening and the wonderful morning light.

Also have a look at Andrew Terrill (google to find his website) He's someone who wanted to get away as a young person, out into the wilds, and ended up hiking 7000 miles. He then found it difficult to return to a normal life but he's found ways of combining that and having a family and a job and getting out into the wilds regularly.

I've also got a friend who is now over 60. A few years ago he was in a terrible state. His marriage had fallen apart, he had a new partner but then that didn't work out either and he ended up drinking and suicidal. He'd always been interested in the outdoors and with a bit of encouragement from me he started going out a bit more. Then he bought a camper van and started going up to Scotland every week. Things progressed from there and now he travels regularly in the camper van, parks up somewhere and goes hiking or climbing. He's found a balance between the "normal" life he lives in a city and the outdoors he craves while still being around for family members who need him.

I think there is a way forward for you OP, but think creatively about alternatives so that you can make the most of the years ahead.

Swiftie1878 · 25/04/2025 13:34

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 07:29

Am now 67, at 17, growing up on a farm, I wanted to live in the wilds, be self sufficient etc etc. None of my partners ever supported this idea and I am now in a village with constant traffic noise. I didn’t want another doer-upper but here I am! Hate the house, but husband has to have access to good rail/road for his job. He shows no sign of retiring so the chances of me moving back to the countryside before I die/become less able are remote. Have just reached the end of my tether - help!

No sympathy here, I’m afraid.
It was your life, your choices (to persistently compromise), and you got yourself to where you are now.
Take some responsibility.
Make the changes you need now, or stop moaning about it.

Ratisshortforratthew · 25/04/2025 13:41

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 11:01

Interesting how many of you ‘hit’ back with why didn’t I live my life, why did I compromise - I do not know of ONE woman who hasn’t had to make huge compromises for their male partner.
I was hoping I would find a supportive forum to try to help my current mental state,

So what? You don’t have to be like other women. I haven’t made any compromises for my partner as we’re completely aligned in our desires and worldview. I wouldn’t consider getting into a relationship with someone who didn’t want the same things as me

Epilepsystruggle · 25/04/2025 13:47

Your right to some extent OP. Everyone does have to compromise to some extent for their partner. But those compromises tend to be more along the lines of they like Chinese food but you don't, so you compromise and still get a Chinese takeaway every month. Or they want to go to Australia for 3 weeks but you just want 1 week in Cornwall. So you compromise and go to Europe for 2 weeks instead.

Most people don't compromise their entire lifestyle including where they live, how they live and deciding between having running water, electricity and a working toilet and living entirely off the land doing hard manual labour for the rest of their days.

It's entire everyday lifestyle that affects every single aspect of your life from morning till night. I don't know a single person who's compromised to that extent. The fact you have for 67 years suggests to me that it's more a fantasy than an actual realistic life you want to actively pursue.

In between your relationships there was nothing stopping you from packing up and going into the wild.

Not saying that to be mean but to soothe your sadness. Maybe realising that it's more a desire/fantasy and realistically you wouldn't do actually do that may make you feel a little better. It's not that you've been stopped through no fault of your own and wasted your life. Your living the life you've chosen so it's not a wasted life at all. We all have dreams that aren't a reality. Sometimes dreams are better than reality. So take comfort in that? x