Feel I’ve wasted my life

[NoisyPinkViper]

Am now 67, at 17, growing up on a farm, I wanted to live in the wilds, be self sufficient etc etc. None of my partners ever supported this idea and I am now in a village with constant traffic noise. I didn’t want another doer-upper but here I am! Hate the house, but husband has to have access to good rail/road for his job. He shows no sign of retiring so the chances of me moving back to the countryside before I die/become less able are remote. Have just reached the end of my tether - help!

Move out. Find somewhere you like. But at 67 I’d be cautious about straying too far from ‘civilisation’.

Do it then, leave your husband financially separate and go to the place you want to go to.

My pensions won’t stretch that far, sadly, but if I win the lottery You won't see me for dust.

That sounds a little dramatic. I know people who've got very severe life limiting health problems so I don't think you should make light of dying alone. If you feel so strongly then leave your husband and rent a tiny bothy in the outer Hebrides. If that's your dream, don't let anyone stop you.

Am now 67, at 17, growing up on a farm, I wanted to live in the wilds, be self sufficient etc etc. None of my partners ever supported this idea

The fact you felt the need to have a partner to "be self-sufficient" is just the start of your problems in not having fulfilled your teenage dreams.

May as well make the best of what you have, work on your garden, get some chickens, grow vegetables, etc.

What about buying a small patch of woodland somewhere and building something you could enjoy on your own?

What a bizarre comment. You did make your own choices, and having a partner at all times whose lives and wishes did not align with 17-year-old-you's dream was a part of that.

I get it OP. But I disagree that’s it’s too late. Too late for the remoteness that you want, perhaps for practical reasons, but there are other ways to live the life you crave. Have you considered buying a small woodland, caravan, camper van or Narrowboat? I know several older people who did things like this, some who made it full time others who are able to escape whenever they need to. I get the need to escape and be away from people with nature. But maybe opening yourself to the possibility of your dream becoming a reality but in a different way from the plan in your head can lead you to the answer? What if you let yourself dream of ways you can have both? Unless it’s time to leave your husband and buy somewhere of your own, but if you do, that’s okay too. It’s okay to put yourself first when you have spent your life sacrificing your needs. Apart from turning back time, how can you meet those needs with the resources you have right now?

Well you have the choice to break up with your partner. I’m long term single and entirely financially and socially self sufficient. If I wanted to go and live rurally off I’d go. Nothing to stop you from doing the same thing unless there’s something you haven’t said. If it’s just your partner - well you have made and are making a choice to stay with and not live rurally.

I don't mean to be rude OP but you're reminding me a little of my 12 year old son. He likes to moan and complain but not actually do anything to change or accept the situation he's got himself into.
Firstly, you're living in a very remote village from what you say, so your lifestyle isn't completely at odds with the dream of living somewhere "in the wilds". It's not like you're living in New York when your dream is to be in the countryside.
Secondly, I know loads of people who aren't living the life they dreamed of. Probably more than half the people I know are living with difficulty, frustrations or sadness. As John Lennon (?) said "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
There's my friend battling the late stages of Huntingdon's who can no longer look after herself, there's my young friend who's been in a wheelchair for two years due to long Covid, there's my friend who died of cancer aged 40, leaving behind two young children, there's my mother in law who had an arranged marriage to a much older man when she was young and was dragged all over the world by him, there's me who dreamed of living in the countryside but followed my husband to a big city, there's my husband who's desperate to live in his home country but stays here for me.
Life can be shit and disappointing but attitude is everything. Count your blessings, find joy in each day. Don't dwell on the negative.

If you're in a village it's probably not exactly Blade Runner as it is

I totally get the yearning for peace, solitude, and rural living, but I wonder whether what you’re feeling is more nostalgia for the time when it felt like the future was ahead of you, as in, everything was still possible, even if only in theory? Ignore me if I’m wrong - I could just be projecting. I just know that at 55, I also sometimes feel like I’ve wasted my life (or at least my potential), due to circumstances that feel like they were out of my control (children with SEND needs, now with incurable cancer, meaning no chance I’ll ever work again - or possibly even go on holiday/travel). Sometimes I yearn to go back and make different decisions, but if I’m honest, if someone waved a magic wand and made my family ‘normal’, I’m at a loss as to what I’d do with myself. The fact is, this is the hand life dealt me, and tenets joy in it, as well as sorrow; boredom and frustration, as well as fun and fulfilment. I’ve gone off point, sorry. What I I’m trying to say is that what I get from your post is a yearning for something. I’m wondering whether you could direct it towards something you feel is achievable/doesn’t depend on your husband retiring/aligning with you. Is there anything else you really wish you’d done/could do? Anything that could remind you that you’ve still got a future that you can shape and find joy in? I feel for you - I really recognise the sentiment you’re expressing. I think a lot of older women, even those of us who think of ourselves as feminists, like back and feel that our lives have been circumscribed by putting the needs/desires of others above our own, willingly or otherwise.

After your updates op it looks like you'll have to choose between your husband and your dream of being alone in a remote location. If you've got enough money to buy a croft in Scotland or something similar then it's not too late. You will have your state pension and can deal with health problems when they come up. I don't think it's particularly fair to demand your husband come with you if that's not how he wants to live. Alternatively, how do you feel about the campervan idea? You can wild camp in Scotland. You seem very upset by your current situation and I do think talking to a counsellor might help you to clarify what you want and how to get it.

What comes across to me is that you don't like your husband very much and you loathe your home, and you blame him.

You seem to have a few options

• Find a way to come to terms with your life not matching your teenage fantasy and forgive him for not wanting what you expected/wanted, either through counselling or self reflection
• Leave him and create a life you want
• Do nothing, continue being angry and write off your whole life as a waste

OP there's little point asking about this sort of thing on MN....as you have seen! You'd be better off using Reddit.

I'm autistic too and I completely understand although I do prefer to have a few people around. I'm moving back down south soon after being in the north for two years helping to care for my elderly mother. My absolute worst fear is dying in Huddersfield Royal Infirmary!

There's a Jonna Jinton video where her mum (same age as you) was answering questions from viewers. Someone asked if she was worried about being an hour's drive from the nearest hospital and she said she wasn't bothered and that if she died then she wasn't too bothered.

What I would say is that people are right that it would be a very difficult life. I had dreams of living in a van and I finally bought one and I found it so difficult because my health isn't great. I spent the whole time clambering about looking for things and trying to find places to park.

Why can't you move to a quieter village? I think when you live somewhere busy it's easy to think that you need to do the complete opposite. I hate where I live too even though by many people's standards it's quiet.

Thank you Rubyupbeat, I wonder if the harshest critics are amongst the younger members - I was very surprised at their nastiness!

Hi Seeingred, love the name 🤪🤣
I grew up on a farm, spent my life retreating, on holidays and weekends to the wilderness -it has always been my happy space.
Thank you for understanding my position - I was a ‘right on’ feminist in the 70’s inwards but I think my upbringing (abusive alcoholic mother) has had a huge effect.

My DM is 75 this year. She left the UK where she had lived her entire life at the age of 69, (during the pandemic no less!). She purchased a property, got her residencia for Spain. Has been learning the language with the locals and at the iantamienca. She's also learning to swim having been terrified of water her entire life.

Upshot OP. It's never too late to make a change.

I've not read any nastiness on here. Frank and blunt perhaps in places but not nasty. Someone earlier wrote you a very thoughtful and considered response and you infact were pretty scathing back to them for no good reason, so you're hardly in a position to judge anyway.

I think you have to stop and think about the reasons that people who live remotely often move closer to civilisation as they age. My parents live extremely remotely, they have 40+ years of adult life experience making rural living work. They are your age now and are selling up and moving, not to anywhere busy but somewhere a lot less remote.

They are fit as fiddles, their home is their lifes work, they made it from a shell to a gorgeous home, they planted what is now a woodland, they have stunning mature gardens, they've grown so much food, raised so many chickens and ducks, all of this with their own hands. They aren't shy of hard work, they have poured blood sweat and tears into what they have, they love the life they created.

They have also watched their neighbours struggle being diagnosed with cancer having to rent somewhere close to a hospital for treatment, they've watched their neighbours homes become derelict as they struggle with the upkeep required, they helped them when they have no food as they are too ill to travel, too ill to grow food and there is no shop for over an hour etc. It's harsh out there and I know myself as I kid I watched more than a few elderly people rot away in squalor. It can be grim and not the final chapter lots would choose for themselves.

This is the crux of it. At the moment OP seems to be going for option 3.

I love this advice!

You say you've done lots of hiking and wild camping.
So take yourself off and do a really long trail. Tell your DH you need to do this and that you're taking a few months out.
Then go and keep walking and camping and enjoying the solitude and use the time to think and decide what you really want.

Your idea to live in some remote home and get rescued by the air ambulance or die out there is just not realistic. But maybe something else is realistic and achievable so give yourself time out away from your DH and the house and village you hate and find out what you could do to make the rest of your life better.

I haven’t. But I had quite a few choices. And I’m not moaning about where I’ve landed.

You have been a passenger in your husbands life.
Take ownership of what you have left.