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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feel I’ve wasted my life

108 replies

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 07:29

Am now 67, at 17, growing up on a farm, I wanted to live in the wilds, be self sufficient etc etc. None of my partners ever supported this idea and I am now in a village with constant traffic noise. I didn’t want another doer-upper but here I am! Hate the house, but husband has to have access to good rail/road for his job. He shows no sign of retiring so the chances of me moving back to the countryside before I die/become less able are remote. Have just reached the end of my tether - help!

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 25/04/2025 13:48

Swiftie1878 · 25/04/2025 13:34

No sympathy here, I’m afraid.
It was your life, your choices (to persistently compromise), and you got yourself to where you are now.
Take some responsibility.
Make the changes you need now, or stop moaning about it.

Show quote history

Well that’s blunt.

Op have you explained to him how much this upsets you?

Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:15

Flytrap1 - chemical industry - he is a leading expert in green refrigerants

OP posts:
CrystalSingerFan · 25/04/2025 14:15

Lovelyview · 25/04/2025 09:26

You could also look at Wwoof - working on organic farms in exchange for food and accommodation.

https://wwoof.org.uk/en/hosts

Definitely worth a look - I've known a couple of people who've done this happily.

Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:17

Ginmonkeyagain · 25/04/2025 08:41

Also I assume you spend the money your partner earns in his job that he needa access to transport to get to?

Like he benefitted from the capital I had in my house when he moved in (he had not ever owned a house).

OP posts:
Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:18

CorkBottlePink · 25/04/2025 08:41

Air ambulance?? £££!!

Where I have lived there has always been air ambulances for emergencies.

OP posts:
Purplesy · 25/04/2025 14:18

Can you afford a cottage in the wilds to escape to?
The further out the cheaper.
Are you looking?
Your MH is important.

pikkumyy77 · 25/04/2025 14:19

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 08:05

I disagree, I would get to a hospital faster via air ambulance then by road and waiting for a normal ambulance

This is detached from reality.

Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:21

Comedycook · 25/04/2025 08:42

at 17, growing up on a farm, I wanted to live in the wilds, be self sufficient etc etc

Sorry op but this sounds like a bit of a fairytale...what does it even mean? Live in the wilds? In a house or literally outside? Electricity or not? Running water? This would have probably not been very realistic or achievable anyway.

The 70’s saw the writing on the wall re: over population and climate change. A lot of people moved out into the ‘wilds’ (away from people) and now, due to the likes of Sarah Beeny, it is ‘trendy’ to move into the countryside, pretend to eat off the land etc.,

OP posts:
AnotherNaCha · 25/04/2025 14:21

Just lay down the law as to what you want, it’s about time you and he did your thing. In fact, way past the time. Or leave. Could you book say a 3-month air b n b or short term rental in your ideal spot to see how it feels? Go for it!!!! Move forward, don’t think back to all the whys and why nots, make it happen

BobbyBiscuits · 25/04/2025 14:22

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 08:05

I disagree, I would get to a hospital faster via air ambulance then by road and waiting for a normal ambulance

They won't send an air ambulance unless you're on the brink of death, trapped outdoors on a moor or something?! That's a ridiculous thing to say. It costs fortunes to send one. Most areas don't even have one.
Living in the country alone when you're elderly is not going to be easy. And air ambulances aren't really going to be readily at your disposal when you have a cardiac arrest in your house?

SheridansPortSalut · 25/04/2025 14:22

At 67 it's now or never. If you really want to go then do it.

Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:22

Calliopespa · 25/04/2025 08:43

That’s actually true!

Is there any way you could get a timeshare in a remote holiday cottage? Even if you downsized where you are? Have you read about Tove Janssen’s island existence? You’d enjoy her story I think.

It actually isn’t too late op..,

Read her! Done what you suggest (and others) but I want to live and die in some remote home. I am autistic, I do not crave human company.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:24

Comedycook · 25/04/2025 08:42

at 17, growing up on a farm, I wanted to live in the wilds, be self sufficient etc etc

Sorry op but this sounds like a bit of a fairytale...what does it even mean? Live in the wilds? In a house or literally outside? Electricity or not? Running water? This would have probably not been very realistic or achievable anyway.

Many people have done it, I friends in the highlands with no mains water and a generator for when the electricity goes off.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 25/04/2025 14:25

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 08:05

I disagree, I would get to a hospital faster via air ambulance then by road and waiting for a normal ambulance

Are you going to pay for it? Those things cost a bomb.

Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:25

CrystalSingerFan · 25/04/2025 14:15

Definitely worth a look - I've known a couple of people who've done this happily.

Show quote history

Am an asocial autistic, hence the need to live away from people. Group things are not going to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:26

WhatNoRaisins · 25/04/2025 08:43

Do you think your dream country life is a realistic one? A lot of country villages struggle with traffic these days.

I live in a tiny village and the A6 is 200m away!

OP posts:
Rubyupbeat · 25/04/2025 14:26

My story is very similar to yours.
Now, at the age I am, 61, I know I won't be going entirely rural, as I have so many friends around me, plus family not too far.
I bought a motorhome and it's a great option, as you can go anywhere, and enjoy isolation and the beauty of nature.
You really are not to old and it's not your fault either, nor anyone else's either though.
People are so bloomin' harsh on here and unless they have lived your life , then they cannot judge.

Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:28

Ginmonkeyagain · 25/04/2025 08:44

Self sufficent remote living is a big lifestyle decision, not something you drift in to. If that was genuinely your dream in life you needed to be clear with your partner early on and actively work towards achiving it. It isn't something you can just passively hope someone will come around to.

I was clear with him and got told he didn’t spend 8 years in higher education to wade knee deep,in mud - he has since admitted he was ignorant and wrong but it is all a bit late now!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:29

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 25/04/2025 08:55

I grew up in New Zealand and knew/know several people who live that lifestyle.

It is very, very difficult. Being self sufficient requires a huge amount of work and the ones that have reached about 60 have all moved closer into town to houses with less maintenance. It's very hard on your body and you have to think about random things you've always taken for granted.

It's not too late to go on rural holidays, but it is definitely (in my opinion) too late to begin that life.

It does sound like a lovely dream... But I wonder whether if you had indeed lived that life, you would be posting now saying you wished you had tried suburban living and that living in a self sufficient way had made you exhausted.

That is the point I made in my original post - that it is too late for me at 67

OP posts:
SallyWD · 25/04/2025 14:30

You do have to compromise in relationships. I feel it's rare that a couple agree on every single thing. My DH has compromised by living in the UK while we raise our children. I may well compromise by living in his home country when we retire. If you want to do every thing your way (and your way only) stay single!
I personally wouldn't want to live in a remote country house as I get older. I've seen so many previously healthy 60 somethings and 70 somethings suddenly decline rapidly.

Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:30

BobbyBiscuits · 25/04/2025 14:22

They won't send an air ambulance unless you're on the brink of death, trapped outdoors on a moor or something?! That's a ridiculous thing to say. It costs fortunes to send one. Most areas don't even have one.
Living in the country alone when you're elderly is not going to be easy. And air ambulances aren't really going to be readily at your disposal when you have a cardiac arrest in your house?

Edited
Show quote history

I would rather die in my remote home then live this half life here!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:32

Swiftie1878 · 25/04/2025 13:34

No sympathy here, I’m afraid.
It was your life, your choices (to persistently compromise), and you got yourself to where you are now.
Take some responsibility.
Make the changes you need now, or stop moaning about it.

Show quote history

You are SO lucky to have had a totally free choice to do EXACTLY what you wanted.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 25/04/2025 14:32

NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:30

I would rather die in my remote home then live this half life here!

Show quote history

Well, if it really is a matter of preferring death to your current set up, you'd better leave your husband and go and live in the wilds then!

Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:34

Enough4me · 25/04/2025 09:30

OP, why not look at options to try it for a month or so (airbnb/wwoof) rather than a big change and the reality doesn't live up to the dream?
If it does, take your finances and move to a rural location by yourself.

I have spent my adult life running, climbing, walking in wild areas, at 67 I easily walk over 2000 miles a year but then I have to go back to the house I live in.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoisyPinkViper · 25/04/2025 14:36

Epilepsystruggle · 25/04/2025 13:47

Your right to some extent OP. Everyone does have to compromise to some extent for their partner. But those compromises tend to be more along the lines of they like Chinese food but you don't, so you compromise and still get a Chinese takeaway every month. Or they want to go to Australia for 3 weeks but you just want 1 week in Cornwall. So you compromise and go to Europe for 2 weeks instead.

Most people don't compromise their entire lifestyle including where they live, how they live and deciding between having running water, electricity and a working toilet and living entirely off the land doing hard manual labour for the rest of their days.

It's entire everyday lifestyle that affects every single aspect of your life from morning till night. I don't know a single person who's compromised to that extent. The fact you have for 67 years suggests to me that it's more a fantasy than an actual realistic life you want to actively pursue.

In between your relationships there was nothing stopping you from packing up and going into the wild.

Not saying that to be mean but to soothe your sadness. Maybe realising that it's more a desire/fantasy and realistically you wouldn't do actually do that may make you feel a little better. It's not that you've been stopped through no fault of your own and wasted your life. Your living the life you've chosen so it's not a wasted life at all. We all have dreams that aren't a reality. Sometimes dreams are better than reality. So take comfort in that? x

You have a very false idea of modern, technological self sufficiency.

OP posts: