To ask how many of you married for money?

[Quietsurrender]

Because I am considering it.

Divorced with DC and starting to really struggle financially and now also in other ways.

I was just thinking this

I would not be able to mask my eventual contempt that a man was fool enough to marry me knowing that I did not love the bones off of him.
And I would spend the time that I was dating a man I didn't fancy, hooking myself up with a second job .

If two people have an understanding, the one with means needing companionship into their elder years and the broke arsed one being socially compatible with that person, that's different. Cards have been laid out.

But one partner fooling himself and the other thinking they are fooling them is a risk that I would not take , especially as we are in a zeitgeist where men taking accountability for their feelings seems to be at an all time low. If that worm turned, OP could have hell to pay.

I admire your courage in asking. It could only be answerable by you, though, with your knowledge of what affection or respect there is at all, if any.
I'm reminded of a quote about Jane Austen's books, something about the attitude that it was deplorable to marry for money, but foolish to marry without it.

No because I'm not a gold digger 🤣

My working theory is that men marry for money far more often than women. Yet the narrative is it’s a female thing. Marrywell and gold digger insults are rarely leveled at men.

I know quite a few women whose parents have tonnes of cash - think privately educated, grew up in the home counties with a dad retired from a big job in finance who gives them a house ‘loan’ so they don’t need a mortgage. I swear they never get dumped! The men know they’re onto a great thing! I know about 10 women with this kind of set up and the majority of them have been with the same men since their teens and early 20s. They’re all really lovely ladies too but lots of women I know are lovely and their men generally don’t stick around like this, especially in their 20s!

OP, I don’t think this is the way to find happiness.

And to your answer your question directly, no I wouldn’t. I need spark and excitement and amazing conversation.

I wouldn’t take a £200K job I didn’t really love either and appreciate this comes from a place of privilege as I’ve never been truly on my knees (there but for the grace of god)

Don't do it purely for money, it's not worth how much of yourself you'd have to sacrifice.

Do it because he's a kind, loving man who you can see having a good, happy life with and who you will enjoy having sex with.

He could lose the money. Then where would you be if that was all it was?

I am the world’s worst golddigger. I was asked out by two men at the same time Dh and the son of one of England’s oldest and wealthiest families whose name is well known.

Chose Dh as I fancied him and we clicked I stand by my choice but Dh thinks I’m mad and said if he were me have would have chosen the other guy for a life of leisure!

No I never would have, even when I was young and very broke. My focus was always on earning enough to be content on my own because I need to have that level of self-respect.
That said, I've had long term relationships with people who earned much less than me and they don't work either. Approximately equal earning potential is a pre-requisite for me.
But not everyone wants what I want. Only you can know if you can live happily with that level of imbalance, combined with the lack of passion, I think the combination of those two things would be the killer, but more the imbalance than the lack of passion.

Not as black and white though, is it?

Thankfully I didn't marry my first love because it would have been a tough life of me supporting him, he was lovely but not financial astute.
My DH is and that is such an attractive and supporting quality as we're equal in our thinking on that and life is far easier.
It's not the same as marrying for money, but when marrying for love it is and should be a massive consideration.

Nope. Had no idea how much he made and then found out properly after we got married and I live comfortably and don't need to work now. It was the cherry on the cake but wouldnt ever choose to marry solely for money.

No, my now husband was part time at Greggs when we met at 16 🥲 I was rich in sausage rolls though.

No, but I made a very conscious choice NOT to marry a really lovely man who was hopeless with money, and despite his high salary, he would always make us hard up.

These are really good qualities to have - I would definitely say these usurp lust or passion, however, I am late 40s and pretty much knackered all the time 😂

Growing attraction is also a very good sign - in relationships, I think a 'slow burn' build up is more sustainable than a 'instant attraction'

What's very important in any relationship is that you have the same values

No, but I am aware that I didn't consider a serious relationship with men who weren't likely to have a job that paid a fairly decent amount/had some ambition and were financially astute. I have the same standard in myself though. It is something that is attractive as part of an overall package - not compensation for something lacking elsewhere. I think if a man was seriously rich I would find that a bit of a negative.

Interesting question. I strongly suspect my ex married me for money. I didn't have much but had more than him, a stable job and ambition (which he didnt have). We were also able to live in an area he wanted to because of the double income and my savings. You can always tell if someone marries you for money and I'm sure your partner would know your intentions. He might not care but it seems a little unfair.

HOWEVER, I can definitely see that if life is a struggle and you have small DC it is so tempting to marry someone who can give them all the things you want to and to make life easier. You are marrying for love but the love for your DC not your DH! So no judgement here.

Thinking about my own relationship, I was attracted to my DH because he was clever, driven, decent, kind, fiscally aware, had / has a wonderful smile, we had very similar values.

So 'money' was a factor.

I remember my DSis asking me about her then BF who became her DH and then ExDH. I told her he was a nice enough chap but he doesn't seem to have any drive or determination which I found unattractive. She became the main breadwinner with him bumbling along in his minimum wage job with his mensa IQ and lots of degrees. It was a huge strain on the relationship and one of the factors in their break up

I don’t know anyone who married for money but I know lots of people who have stayed in relationships because of it (or lack of it). It’s tough doing it all on your own.

No one’s going to admit it on Mumsnet because a lot of posters thrive on appearing morally superior. However some of the relationships and lifestyles described on here some posters would have been better off marrying for money, as they married dickheads anyway.

Might not be what you meant but we married for the protection of inheritance tax when one of us goes. Otherwise saw no reason at all to get married - lived together perfectly well for centuries before we did.

As my grandmother used to say if you marry for money you’ll end up earning every penny.

Earn your own money OP and never be beholden to anyone least of all a man.

Mone had just been made redundant for the second time in six months and was working as a labourer for cash in hand. He had nothing when we met but neither did I as I was still at uni and working part time to pay for petrol and books.

Worked out ok though, we both earn well now!

Centuries?

I definitely didn't. We met in our early 20's and I was earning quite a bit more than him then. I loved him though and saw his potential and he has massively stepped up in the 24 years we have been together and earns more than me now. We have a good life (and I still massively fancy him so win win).

I wouldn’t say I married for money but at the time I met DH I wouldn’t have been interested in someone who had no prospects.

We met when I was 24. DH had just finished medical school and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t consider his earning potential or find it attractive - on very first meeting I know I wouldn’t have been as interested if he was working in a supermarket. However, within an hour of chatting we had so much to talk about and laughed so much and I really fancied him. If we didn’t click, have things in common, share the same values and I didn’t find him physically attractive I never would have been interested. So I suppose it’s one factor in a whole package of things that attracted me, in the same way that looks are one factor but that doesn’t mean you’d get together with someone on looks alone.

At that time I didn’t have a huge amount of confidence in my own earning potential as I was in my first graduate job which wasn’t a proper grad scheme and wasn’t well paid. However, I ended up applying and getting onto a very competitive grad scheme a year later and progressed quickly so from the ages of around 27-34 (before we had DC) it turned out we were earning around the same.