To ask how many of you married for money?

[Quietsurrender]

Because I am considering it.

Divorced with DC and starting to really struggle financially and now also in other ways.

No.

I was actually the main breadwinner for most of our marriage.

A rich man can love you just as much as a poor man.

Not me. I supported my husband for years before he got on his feet.

I had the opportunity to marry a multimillionaire.
But I just couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t marry someone I didn’t love.
I couldn’t do that to somebody.
That’s mean, marrying someone under false pretenses.
Imagine someone wanting to marry you because you’re pretty but for no other reason. Or because of the number of books you’ve read. Or because of the skirts you own. Or shoes.
Same principle.

It sounds like the man has a lot of positive qualities. This is far more important than some abstract quality like "passion" that may be experienced with someone who turns out to be abusive.

@DreamTheMoors Imagine someone wanting to marry you because you’re pretty but for no other reason. Or because of the number of books you’ve read. Or because of the skirts you own. Or shoes.

Men love very easily though. It's easy for men to get lovey-dovey feelings for any woman who is pleasant.

or you marry for love then they cheat ?

I would marry for love but try and find someone whose spending style matches your own.

The biggest incompatibilities in relationships are down to sex and money. A saver with a spender doesn’t work. A low libido with a high libido doesn’t work.

No man or woman is perfect. But I wouldn’t settle. Find someone who supports you and lights you up if you can!

thats one of the puzzlements on here is why people dont discuss these when first dating etc

It doesn’t follow of course that he’ll share his money with you!

And in your quieter moments (after finding this wealthy chap) won’t you feel kind of indebted to him? Not a nice feeling….esp if he insinuates you are.

I couldn’t. My husband is my soul mate, we moved in together into a tiny bedsit furnished with donations and kind gifts from friends - we truly had nothing (and no income, cheers for that lockdown). His lovely mum dropped us round a box of food each week as we couldn’t afford much ourselves. Each other’s company has always been enough, and I adore him more than I can put into words. I would struggle to live a life without the passion I feel now for the sake of having money.

Does being financially secure help a relationship? Sure. I’m a less tense person when I’m not fretting about bills. It’s nice to go on nice holidays and have spare cash to treat yourself or your family. But if I was doing all those things with someone I don’t feel real passion for, I’d struggle to feel happy honestly. Give me a lovely walk in the local park with my other half over a fancy getaway or a big house with any other person, any day.

/soppy

My sister did. She told me once when we were mid teens I would marry for love and she would for money. She said she couldn't imagine herself ever really loving anyone. It was quite sad. She went on the right dating apps married a millionaire. She is desperately unhappy though, she has 2 ADHD boys, who stress her out so much. She won't/can't buy in childcare due to their behaviour. He is always at work, the children in his view are her problem. It is a lonely, stressful life. He has said to her to give up work if the children are hard, but she does PT, gives her some identity I suppose. Hopefully when the children grow up she will be able to relax and spend the money. Not be on edge for the next phonecall from the school. She would never let them board, I don't even know if the school would have them. She has to hide knives, has been hit etc. It is no life and I got the feeling as her boys are so naughty the other mothers tend to avoid her. One calls her the one that works. She takes it, I wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like that. She has cut off her schoolfriends and other than 2 shifts a week her life is the school, she is always volunteering, I am sure the teachers dislike it and running them and anyone else who wants free childcare around to after sschool activities. The lifts are never reciprocated, even if they were, she wouldn't allow her boys to be taken by someone else, something could very likely happen. She suffers terrible migraines. She has a much nicer, car, house, holidays, hairdresser than I do. Her husband earns 10x what mine does and we are not poor. I wouldn't want her life though. The school went on a camp to another country. She went to, stayed in a hot red l and picked her child up every night to sleep with her and brought him back each morning. She didn't feel she could leave him. Surprisingly her husband looked after the younger one whilst she did this. When I say looked after plonked in front of the TV and ignored, at least there was no major disaster. I wouldn't recommend it, it might have been completely different if her children were not so challanging. I couldn't have children, she told me once if she had known what it was going to be like she wouldn't have had them. Heartbreaking, she does try her very best for them

It happens every day whether the injured party finds out about it or not.
It happened to me when I married for love.
Did I feel foolish? For loving? Why would I?
Shouldn’t the cheaters feel guilty and foolish?
I’m sure he cheated on her too.

You’re making no sense. You can require a quality in a person without that being the only reason you would date a person.

I don’t think that’s true. I know plenty of pleasant women who struggle to find dates. I think men can love what a woman does for them easily - but not the woman herself.

I'm sure money is a factor in most relationships if you're planning to get married and/or have children. But it shouldn't be the only factor, I think you need to like the person at least!

I used to think that. I married for love. I had a good career and was the main earner. Turns out I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship and I’ve been a boiled frog. Now he will probably get half my pension. Wish I’d married for money. I’d still not love or be loved but I would not be poor despite my hard work.

If you are questioning the situation then there is something wrong. I don’t believe in soul mates but I do believe in the right combination of personalities and skill sets. I also think you know when it’s right. Nothing really niggles that much. Also you find yourself putting the other person first. And you should find yourself laughing together.

A lack of money can cause stress.
A person who gambles, is secretive with money or lies about money , or is mean with money should be avoided. Also for me I couldn’t cope with being with someone who just frittered money away. He’s still living at home in his 40s. I own property both my own and jointly with my husband and have savings. This has made recent times and issues easier as we had a backup plan. But I appreciate it’s not always possible if on a very low income.

Make your own money so you are independent. Do not love money for its own sake but for the power of choice that it can give you.

My husband did. When we met we both worked, but my earnings far, far outweighed his. When we started a family he gave up working because we didn't need his earnings and his working hours meant he would miss out on family time (terrible parernity leave, long hours etc.) This was planned and understood before we married. It was a deal breaker for me, him working would juat have caused us more stress. So, although we married for love, he knew going into it that he'd never (have to) work again.

The first time I married for physical attraction the second time I'm married I married for love and mutual respect. I would not have married anyone who was either a gambler or cavalier with money though.

I didn't marry for money, however I wouldn't have married someone who didn't have had debt or warning potential, or someone who wasn't educated to the same level as me or someone who wasn't driven within their life as I was.

No. I did date some men with money before DH but they all fell short: boring/entitled/snob/misogyne. I would have loved to marry someone with money but I would have to love him and like him which didn't happen.

You’ve heard the expression “money doesn’t buy happiness”.

So what would you gain from marrying someone who you aren’t passionately in love with for money? How will that change your life for the better?

It's as old as time, not a recent fad!

If you’re raising kids alone and on the poverty line in this economy then I have zero judgment. Marrying well wasn’t a taboo in Jane Austen’s day. I’d be advising my daughters to choose well. I don’t think you should marry just for money, but it is a major factor in how secure your life will be. I don’t see why you can’t be happy with money.

A good role model & safe father figure should be your priority before money though. You’d be better off with a man who has a normal job and is a kind Father than someone wealthy and sullen. There’s no amount of money that stops you feeling trapped and depressed with a husband thats perpetually a sour puss.

I think if he’s sour on date 3 he’ll be sour forever. Find someone happy and adjusted with all the values you want and that has money. Tell me where you find him so I can go there too !