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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

another row with SS and DIL

81 replies

Countesschaos · 23/04/2025 10:54

when GC was born, we did sleepovers every month, but as time went on, these sleepovers turned into every week, and both myself and DH were also working full time 24/7 shifts and we were exhausted, so we put a stop to them for a while, which i believe is our right to do. the sleepovers were not related to childcare, they were so that the couple could carry on their very busy social lives and in all honesty we felt they were taking the piss. But we still made every effort to visit, take out and be with said GC.

fast forward to this week, and was having a conversation with the SS and his partner, and they asked send over your rota so we can get a date booked in to you, which i did and on the spreadsheet i use, one saturday id written GC2 sleepover (daughter is pregnant, taken poorly, had to go into hospital so we had GC2).

SS see's this on the rota and instantly asks 'are sleepovers back on the agenda?'

anyway cut a long story short, a massive row ensues. SS and his partner admit that when we stopped sleepovers, the felt hurt so they stopped making any effort to see us, and basically have said when the sleepovers come back, then we can see GC again!

to me, this is using the GC as a weapon, give us what we want or you can't see him?

anyway, turns out, they are short of money, and she works 4 days a week and he works 3 days a week, and the plan is for her to go back to 5 days a week because she is the bigger wage earner. although if he took an extra day a week, he would easier earn the bigger wage... and again i am the bad guy because i suggested that rather than make partner go back to work full time, he should take an extra shift. it would seem that its not fair that he should sacrifice his time with his child and it would work out if he worked an extra shift that his partner would see the child more than he does? this apparently is 'modern parenting'?

what a log of tosh.. he's a grown ass adult who doesnt want to work!

I'm not really sure what the AIBU question is... i gues all of it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Countesschaos · 23/04/2025 10:56

and yes, we are required to send out rota's over to this couple, so that they can work out when is best for them for visits? its ridiculous and will be stopping.

OP posts:
SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 23/04/2025 11:00

Provide childcare if you want, don't get involved in weird rotas or these people's working hours or salaries.

JanSix · 23/04/2025 11:00

Countesschaos · 23/04/2025 10:56

and yes, we are required to send out rota's over to this couple, so that they can work out when is best for them for visits? its ridiculous and will be stopping.

No one can ‘require’ you to anything. You’ve chosen to go along with this. Only do what works for you. Your adult child/stepchild isn’t your employer who gets to have an overview of your time and ‘productivity’ levels. But how they arrange their working life is none of your business, similarly.

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 23/04/2025 11:01

It's ridiculous that you ever sent them a rota at all, or that you let the monthly sleepovers turn into every week.

Still, at least you put a stop to it.

Too many couples seem to confuse grandparent contact with childcare.

The only thing I disagree with is you getting involved in who works what hours/shifts etc as that's not your business.

But I'd totally leave them to it now and not let them try to control you with their child.

Surprisedcupcake · 23/04/2025 11:04

Absolutely abhorrent that they would use their children as a manipulation tool!

WhatNoRaisins · 23/04/2025 11:12

I remember your previous thread. They sound crazy entitled and I don't think you should indulge them at all. It's really sad that they'd use your grandchild for blackmail like this.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 23/04/2025 11:29

SS and his partner admit that when we stopped sleepovers, the felt hurt so they stopped making any effort to see us, and basically have said when the sleepovers come back, then we can see GC again!
to me, this is using the GC as a weapon, give us what we want or you can't see him?

Do you actually want to spend time with SS and DIL? If yes, tell them this, and ask to see them individually as adults without GC present, i.e. see them each separately while the other has GC.

If you don't particularly want to see SS and DIL, then just offer to have sleepovers with GC as and when it suit you. Offer them firm dates - I bet they say yes, because they want the child-free time.

Or is it that you want to see GC but only during the day and with SS and DIL around so that they are still doing the parenting? If so, then unfortunately this is not something you can expect. SS and DIL would find this a raw deal - they are still parenting and having to host a visitor on top, or if at your place they are still parenting and having to travel to another person's house on top. If they don't value your company but do value child-free time, this just won't appeal to them.

Obviously, sending a spreadsheet is just weird. Have a conversation about dates when you both have calendars/diaries in front of you.

WhatNoRaisins · 23/04/2025 11:37

EuclidianGeometryFan · 23/04/2025 11:29

SS and his partner admit that when we stopped sleepovers, the felt hurt so they stopped making any effort to see us, and basically have said when the sleepovers come back, then we can see GC again!
to me, this is using the GC as a weapon, give us what we want or you can't see him?

Do you actually want to spend time with SS and DIL? If yes, tell them this, and ask to see them individually as adults without GC present, i.e. see them each separately while the other has GC.

If you don't particularly want to see SS and DIL, then just offer to have sleepovers with GC as and when it suit you. Offer them firm dates - I bet they say yes, because they want the child-free time.

Or is it that you want to see GC but only during the day and with SS and DIL around so that they are still doing the parenting? If so, then unfortunately this is not something you can expect. SS and DIL would find this a raw deal - they are still parenting and having to host a visitor on top, or if at your place they are still parenting and having to travel to another person's house on top. If they don't value your company but do value child-free time, this just won't appeal to them.

Obviously, sending a spreadsheet is just weird. Have a conversation about dates when you both have calendars/diaries in front of you.

I think that's a bit of a shabby way to treat someone, you're not enough for me to actually want to spend some of my time with you but you're still good enough to do me a favour. If you want a favour from someone you have to at least act like you value their company.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 23/04/2025 11:39

WhatNoRaisins · 23/04/2025 11:37

I think that's a bit of a shabby way to treat someone, you're not enough for me to actually want to spend some of my time with you but you're still good enough to do me a favour. If you want a favour from someone you have to at least act like you value their company.

Show quote history

Agree. But that is what OP is dealing with.

WhatNoRaisins · 23/04/2025 11:41

I wouldn't be letting them treat me that badly myself.

GloriousGoosebumps · 23/04/2025 11:53

"Entitled" isn't a strong enough description for your SS and DIL. Why on earth do they believe that you should babysit every weekend? You haven't said what sort of arrangement would suit you, or your husband, but personally, I wouldn't respond well to blackmail, nor would I work shifts all week and then babysit each weekend. That's simply too much. Interestingly, you don't mention your SS having any concern about the health of your daughter. Is she his sister or are they step-siblings?

twilightermummy · 23/04/2025 12:01

Where are the other grandparents in all of this?
I think it's awful that they said they didn't want to see you once you stopped having sleepovers.
You just need to be on repeat "no sleepovers, love seeing the kids though" and leave them to work it out. As a single mum, I think that you've been amazing to them.

GabriellaMontez · 23/04/2025 12:13

SS sounds like a piece of work. I'd have as little to do with them as possible to be honest. How sad.

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 23/04/2025 12:31

I remember your first thread, and I’m sorry your SS and DIL are still treating you so poorly.

My advice would be stop letting them see your rota, offer only when you are free. You are entitled to have other plans and not have to justify how you spend your time.

BernardButlersBra · 23/04/2025 12:45

You don't have to do childcare or sleep overs if you don't want to. They shouldn't be punishing you by withholding contact

But their working days and hours are none of your business. My MIL pushed quite hard for me not to return to work after children which we totally ignored as it's none of her business and doesn't impact on her (we pay for our childcare)

Original poster
Countesschaos · 24/04/2025 18:08

My DD lives round the corner and I see her a couple of days a week. I think the issue we have is there’s a lot of jealousy because my DD lives close. SS and DIL have now demanded that we should spend exactly the same amount of time with their child as I do with my bio GC. It’s simply physically not possible, therefore to please them in expected to reduce the time spent with my own DD’s !! I’m at breaking point, DH refuses to tell his son to back off and if I try stand my corner, I get told that their feelings are hurt and that my words make them sad! I am seriously now questioning my marriage! To make matters worse, DH never arranges to his his children on his own, he waits until we are off together! Because he can’t possibly do something without me! And this is why this is all my fault, in their eyes I’m stopping their dad.. and it’s because he can’t be arsed! So very serious considerations are being made. These kids have behaved like this for years, my not being on their dads life would restore his wallet and they can continue to trample all over him without me standing our ground

OP posts:
Original poster
Countesschaos · 24/04/2025 18:10

And I agree their working arrangements are non of my business I was simply confused why she has to work 5 days a week to bring in the money, yet he is only prepared to work 3? But I’ve taken comments on board and leaving them too it

OP posts:
TriviaMum · 24/04/2025 18:14

I’m guessing your DH needs to speak to his son, and if he wishes to care for his GC, let him sort tbh

ThejoyofNC · 24/04/2025 18:24

I don't really understand why you cancelled sleepovers all together instead of just going back to once a month? Do you not enjoy having your GC sleepover?

Hankunamatata · 24/04/2025 18:28

I suppose I would have changed sleepover to one night every 2 months.

Original poster
Countesschaos · 24/04/2025 18:30

ThejoyofNC · 24/04/2025 18:24

I don't really understand why you cancelled sleepovers all together instead of just going back to once a month? Do you not enjoy having your GC sleepover?

Because the GC didn’t know who we were and we spent most of the night trying to smooth an unhappy child!. So we asked to stop the sleepovers until the GC knew who were were, and we said we would continue to have days out, visits etc until a stronger bond was built and the child was comfortable with us and could communicate and understand rather just be dumped! We never ever stopped contact or visits. On top of this, we were exhausted, I’ve had 2 back surgeries so handling any of my GC takes it toll on me. We never expected to be expected to have the child as much and by having him, it meant less time for us as a couple and less time for my other GC.

OP posts:
Original poster
Countesschaos · 24/04/2025 18:33

ThejoyofNC · 24/04/2025 18:24

I don't really understand why you cancelled sleepovers all together instead of just going back to once a month? Do you not enjoy having your GC sleepover?

Having baby every 2 months would be even worse. You have to remember we only ever saw the child for sleep overs…. When we stopped the sleepovers until overs we saw the child on a regular basis and we got to see SS and DIL as well rather than us collecting the child, dealing with a stressed and upset child, having no sleep and the. Returning said child!

OP posts:
Blinkyy · 24/04/2025 18:40

How do they know when you are seeing Dd -stop the fb or whatever is informing them.
Once DH has arranged to see DGC be busy with something else - leave him to it.
You seem to be taking responsibility for all of this - if SS is moaning/complaining/unhappy pass him to DH. Let him sort it out and be busy (absent) when he agrees to stuff you don’t like. Take a big step back.

IstayhomeonFridaynight · 24/04/2025 18:51

I think you should take yourself out of the conversations with SS - it's for him and his Dad to sort out, and keep saying this to all of them, if there's any conversation still happening.

If your DH wants to have time with GC, better that he babysits in SSs place, would be less confusing for the child to be in their own home anyway so may settle better.

SS really does seems to see you as childcare staff.

BreadInCaptivity · 24/04/2025 18:52

I remember your previous thread.

I think you need to step back from this. Speak to your DH about what support you are willing to provide and tell him beyond that it’s up to him to deal with.

It’s unfair for him to expect you to reduce time with your DD and her children for a couple trying to blackmail you and the fact he won’t look after his GC without your help.

In some ways by trying to seemingly broker any reasonably sustainable arrangements you are the one getting the flak.

Parents don’t have a right to expect child care from grandparents and it’s in their interests to be grateful for what they are offered.