another row with SS and DIL

[Countesschaos]

when GC was born, we did sleepovers every month, but as time went on, these sleepovers turned into every week, and both myself and DH were also working full time 24/7 shifts and we were exhausted, so we put a stop to them for a while, which i believe is our right to do. the sleepovers were not related to childcare, they were so that the couple could carry on their very busy social lives and in all honesty we felt they were taking the piss. But we still made every effort to visit, take out and be with said GC.

fast forward to this week, and was having a conversation with the SS and his partner, and they asked send over your rota so we can get a date booked in to you, which i did and on the spreadsheet i use, one saturday id written GC2 sleepover (daughter is pregnant, taken poorly, had to go into hospital so we had GC2).

SS see's this on the rota and instantly asks 'are sleepovers back on the agenda?'

anyway cut a long story short, a massive row ensues. SS and his partner admit that when we stopped sleepovers, the felt hurt so they stopped making any effort to see us, and basically have said when the sleepovers come back, then we can see GC again!

to me, this is using the GC as a weapon, give us what we want or you can't see him?

anyway, turns out, they are short of money, and she works 4 days a week and he works 3 days a week, and the plan is for her to go back to 5 days a week because she is the bigger wage earner. although if he took an extra day a week, he would easier earn the bigger wage... and again i am the bad guy because i suggested that rather than make partner go back to work full time, he should take an extra shift. it would seem that its not fair that he should sacrifice his time with his child and it would work out if he worked an extra shift that his partner would see the child more than he does? this apparently is 'modern parenting'?

what a log of tosh.. he's a grown ass adult who doesnt want to work!

I'm not really sure what the AIBU question is... i gues all of it?

It sounds as though you need to completely step away. Refuse to send dates, direct them to your DH if they want to sort overnights or visits, don't engage with their demands.

I have a feeling your DH is fine to see you deal with conflict if it means he can sit back and play the good guy, so just remove yourself from the dynamic.

As always this is a DH issue

Interesting that you distinguish between bio and non bio GC

Agree you will manage and maintain your relationship with your dc and your dh can do the same..
My ds and dil split up. We were having dgc 2 nights and 3 days a week. And I had a toddler myself! Every week. She would chop and change times /places of drop off and pick ups. It actually affected my mh feeling I was being a rubbish dgm if I didn't accommodate her... I told ds I could not have dgc anymore and went back to Sunday afternoon visits only. No regrets.

I don’t social media my activities, I can only assume DH is telling them. DD has made the decision to never show her child on SM which we respect.

Yes because as I am told on a regular basis, I am just their dad’s wife!

Delete descriptions from Rota and replace with 'unavailable'

I can understand that IF they feel you prefer one GC over their own that would be hurtful.

I would clearly explain "DD is u well so I'm minding her one for one night whilst she's away for treatment. I would do the same if you were in hospital. But I dont want to have my only contact with gc being a sleepover or other childcare, I want to do fun family things too., I cant do it more than once every couple months anyway. How about you 3 come round on (eg) Sunday afternoon for a couple hours for a catch up?"

Why is he telling them if it’s just going to wind them up?

That's awful behaviour - maybe acceptable from a child or tween in some circumstances, but not of adults! What do you reply?

I like to think Id day something like - "Yes, I'm your Dad's wife. If you don't want to include me in your family that's your call. But, to be clear, that means visits and whatever need to be arranged between you and your Dad. I'm not having anything to do with it. You are both grown men who can sort your arrangements between yourselves"

I feel like there's a huge backstory here but the picture is becoming clearer.

So they are rude to you but want you to have their child overnight once a week so they can go and party? And if you won't agree to that then you can't see GC at all?

And on top of all of that they think they have the right to police your relationship with your own daughter?

Honestly I'd tell them to get fucked at this point.

Crazy that the parents didn’t think of this themselves and were seemingly fine for the kids to be distressed to make their lives easier. I really hope DH steps up and actually supports the stance you’ve outlined particularly as you have health issues to manage also on top of working a job yourself.

How can you respect your husband? Tell him to babysit in their home in future instead of relying on you to do it.

With respect I think it’s her DH she needs to take issue with.

He who fans the flames re: time spent with her DD. Won’t look after his GC without her “support” (probably means OP actually does the childcare).

DH who won’t push back on their emotional blackmail.

Maybe the apple has not fallen far from the tree re: DH and SS re: manipulation and entitlement.

do you know what, at this exact moment in time i have no respect for him! i am seriously questioning if there is any point carrying on

i do believe there is a touch of something undiagnosed with DH. He is a bragger, he can't help himself!

i cannot lie, i have a bond with my bio grandchild, but i have strived to treat them both the same. its impossible for us to commit the same amount of time to SS's child. they live an hours drive away, i have to do all the fetching and carrying because DH and his son do not drive. we can't 'just pop in' if we are passing. My DD does not expect anything from us apart from being grandparents. My DD invites me for coffee, asks me to join her at playgroups or walks in the park. I am only good enough for step GC to give sleep overs. I receive no invites anywhere! but if i don't invite them somewhere all hell breaks loose.

if DH is at work and i am at home, i will make time for my family, DH when he is at home and i am at work, sits and waits for me to come home!

SS and DIL only want us to spend with GC as a couple!

it's a whole big massive mess. I have tried and tried and tried to explain everything to these people (they are in their 30's by the way). but they are fixated on their ideal of 'modern parenting'. they are consumed by the fact we must give their child the same, if not more than my own. i recently had a birthday and my DD's booked me a meal and paid for it... i was even accused of leaving SS and his partner out, because he see's my DD's as his sisters? i am not allowed any time on my own with my own children, everything i do or plan to do has to involve an invitation to SS's. My DD's want some time with their mum!

so i have decision making to do. do i try one last time or do i just walk away? because when i say i am exhausted by it, i am litterally at my witts end with it all.

I do not doubt SS and DIL are jealous of my DD. my children and his children are from 2 totally different social backgrounds but his children were already adults when i met their dad.

and before someone comes on and asks, no i am not the other woman. DH had been divorced 10 years before he met me. and no we do not have any children together.

Jeez, you need to be enjoying this time of your life, not 'negotiating' how much time you are allowed with your DD. Someone upthread said it perfectly- 'if i'm just your dads wife, all arrangements must now go though him and I won't be available for any sleepovers.'

In your position I would be rethinking my relationship with my husband. You have a great relationship with your children that is resented by your stepchildren. You can't give your own children any time without them being jealous. That really isn't fair. I would always put my own children before my relationship. I couldn't be doing with that stepson and his wife who are holding you to ransom and I couldn't be doing with that weak husband of yours either.

I would be rethinking my marriage. SS isn’t going anywhere. He is in your life for the long term. As you age it could be you are expected to do more snd more for DH and SS at the expense of your own DD.

Edited as hadn’t RTFT!

Well thank fuck no joint dc... So much easier to split. I didn't have dc with my exh simply because I didn't want to be attached to the drama that came with his exes and his dc... 2 exes and 3 dc...
<shudders at the flash backs. >..

I don't understand this situation. See your dd and dgc as much as you like. Your DH sees his DS and DGC as much as he likes without you. He could babysit at their house. No to sleepovers. You have nothing more to do with SS. The relationship is done for. They can't visit your home. They've blown it by being so nasty. Other than that make it known that your DH is more than free to spend time with them away from your home.

If your DH won't back you then will you be able to split?

It sounds like he's the one letting this trouble into your life.

What will your finances look like if you split? Is it practical to divorce?

@Countesschaos does ss not expect his mother to babysit at all? did he spend a lot of time with your dp when he was growing up?? why do you both have to be there to babysit? do they think your dh is not capable??

I don’t even send my ex husband my rota and we coparent!

they simply ask you if you can do a certain date. You either can or cant. Even if you’re not working you can still say no!