another row with SS and DIL

[Countesschaos]

when GC was born, we did sleepovers every month, but as time went on, these sleepovers turned into every week, and both myself and DH were also working full time 24/7 shifts and we were exhausted, so we put a stop to them for a while, which i believe is our right to do. the sleepovers were not related to childcare, they were so that the couple could carry on their very busy social lives and in all honesty we felt they were taking the piss. But we still made every effort to visit, take out and be with said GC.

fast forward to this week, and was having a conversation with the SS and his partner, and they asked send over your rota so we can get a date booked in to you, which i did and on the spreadsheet i use, one saturday id written GC2 sleepover (daughter is pregnant, taken poorly, had to go into hospital so we had GC2).

SS see's this on the rota and instantly asks 'are sleepovers back on the agenda?'

anyway cut a long story short, a massive row ensues. SS and his partner admit that when we stopped sleepovers, the felt hurt so they stopped making any effort to see us, and basically have said when the sleepovers come back, then we can see GC again!

to me, this is using the GC as a weapon, give us what we want or you can't see him?

anyway, turns out, they are short of money, and she works 4 days a week and he works 3 days a week, and the plan is for her to go back to 5 days a week because she is the bigger wage earner. although if he took an extra day a week, he would easier earn the bigger wage... and again i am the bad guy because i suggested that rather than make partner go back to work full time, he should take an extra shift. it would seem that its not fair that he should sacrifice his time with his child and it would work out if he worked an extra shift that his partner would see the child more than he does? this apparently is 'modern parenting'?

what a log of tosh.. he's a grown ass adult who doesnt want to work!

I'm not really sure what the AIBU question is... i gues all of it?

Your poor daughters, having to watch this unfold, and learn that time with their own mum is being monitored like this. Honestly, how is he worth it?

I know on Mumsnet it's common that grandparents don't like spending excessive time with their grandkids, but I'll be honest and say I cannot envisage a scenario where either my parents or my (ex-)MIL and FIL would put a stop to having my daughter for sleepovers. It just would never occur to them because they adore their grandkids and will help out wherever they can. So in my view, you're the weird one.

How sad for you. No one seems to have your back in this so its time to have your own. I don't know whether your marriage is over but it sounds possible and maybe not a great loss? I do think its time for you to speak YOUR truth and then step away. If you steps want childcare, they can negotiate it with their father/fil and you should make it clear that it won't involve you. Sad to say but I'd be getting your legal and financial ducks in a row here.

well lucky old you

Yeah sorry but I'm not doing any favours for people that won't give me the time of day.

OP I'd be tempted to just laugh at them next time they pass comment on how much time you spend with your DDs child. Cheeky entitled sods.

Oh god, tell em to piss off!! How you spend YOUR time is nothing to do with anyone!!

Your DH needs to be read the riot act. He is totally complicit in this stupid situation.

They are crazy entitled and you need to drop the rope completely.

Why the heck isn't he being pressured through provide free childcare?

Why the heck isn't he making the effort to coordinate with his son and spend time with his GC?

Bollocks to the lot of them. Tell your DH you are done, and mean it.

I don’t remember/didn’t read your previous thread but it sounds like there’s quite a backstory here.

How long have you been with your DH?
Have there always been problems with the SS?
Is your DH generally a good husband?

From the outside though, it looks as if SS and DIL are using you only when it suits them and DH doesn’t have your back.
How bloody dare they criticise how often you see your daughters and biological grandchildren!

I’d be tempted to walk away from the whole lot of them, including your husband and live a happier life with your daughters and their children.

Yes have been issues since day 1. But manageable until GC arrived

Well then you don’t owe them anything! Does your DH stick up for you?

Not so much

My DH agrees 100% with everything I say! To my face, However he will not convey this agreement with his son! And here lies the issue… I am the loaded gun! I shot the bullets! Hence why I am the bad guy!

They need you more than you need them . How dare they try and dictate like this to you. No way.
What about DIL mother or SS mother ? Do they make these kinds of demands on them. And dare I say in well known MN terms , their DC is not your biological GC ??! Put that cat in amongst the pigeons . Not really as you wouldn't want to do this to a child . But demanding equal time with your DD is ridiculous, the relationship is totally different and noone has the right to question it . Your DH is not the only man that hates being left alone with a child unless it's theirs and even then most of my friends DH end up going round to their Mums anyway . Your never going to please everyone so don't even bother to try . And as for rota don't get me started...😤

Not on! So you’re the bad guy and he gets to sit back and look like the good guy. Absolutely not!
Like I said, I don’t know how solid your marriage is but I’d be looking to finish with the lot of them and their drama and focus on your daughters and their children.

The fact you are still explaining the problems and facts means to me you want a fairy godmother to come on here and say - THIS is what you need to do - and all will be well ................ its' up to you stay with this (and I would have nothing to do with someone who packed their child off to stay with a virtual stranger causing distress and fear) or get out.

I think like all posts, we don’t want a fairy godmother, we are looking for affirmation that we are not mad. Deep down I know what needs to happen. I’m happy to take feedback and if the general consensus was ‘it’s me’ I’d take that on board and see how I can change.

Show your husband this thread OP. Maybe the chorus of women agreeing with you, and those voices suggesting that you leave him, will help open his eyes.

While it's lovely that your SS sees your daughters as his sisters, he and your husband need to absorb and appreciate this; it's 2025 and child care is not "women's work". There is nothing stopping your husband from seeing his son and grandchildren without you, other than his own laziness and incompetence. If he chooses to not maximise the time he could spend with them, purely because you are not also there, I can only suggest that he just doesn't love them enough to make a basic effort. Can he learn to drive or use public transport? If he loved the GC, then he would.

as i've explained, we have not said 'never' we have simply said 'not now'. it is impossible for us to build a bond with this child given the distance away they live, our working hours, and our other family committements. we have explained to them that we feel its unfair for us to have a child overnight who is confused, probably frightened and normally poorly.

on most occasions when we have picked up the child, as the car door has closed we've been told 'oh by the way he's got a cold, the runs, a cough here are his meds, and the car door is closed on us. so not only are we dealing with a poorly child, we are potentially passing all these lovely germs too the rest of the family. my other GC has ended up being blue lighted to a&e 3 times now after being in contact with the other poorly GC, so DD was (quite rightly) refusing to bring hers round for playdates. SS and DIL want both GC to have a good bond and encourage playdates as often as we can fit them in. and we haven't even discussed the fact that most of these coughs, colds and upset tummies also end up being passed to us. When my husband is poorly he is not paid for being off sick, luckily i am.

its a 2 hour round trip to collect the child and i have to do both trips, the collecting and the taking back home.

when i said me and my husband were exhausted.. we were genuinely exhausted! i've already mentioned i have mobility issues and we are not getting any younger, so yes at the moment we do prefer to see GC in company of mum and dad until there is no need to pick up and carrying him everywhere? and because after a sleepover, we were exhausted, usually poorly and in pain, that then affects our quality of life.

DIL's parents are heavily involved with their GC, they have him about 3 days a week and he sleeps over once or twice a week. DIL's parents live just round the corner, yet SS and DIL refuse to understand that this is exactly how things are with my DD.

Bio mum of SS is not on the scene, and the woman he grew up with and who he classes his mum lives abroad. Of course when she returns for visits, we are then not expected or allowed to see the child at all!

We are standing our ground, we have explained all our reasons over and over, but they are simply refusing to hear us.

Sorry, i rambled. I have decided to step away from all of it. I am forgiving myself. I am not this grown mans mother, i am not obliged to provide childcare for their child.

we have had some very long talks, lots of tears of frustration and anger from me. i have to accept that my DH is never going to change. so i have to look at what i can do, at the moment, leaving him is not really what i want so i consider this to be last on the list. we have agreed that we will try offer a sleep over once every 3 months, and this is purely because every 12 weeks my DH has a long stretch off work, so even if i am working, DH (who was himself a single dad for 10 years) is more than capable to looking after GC without me.

we have also agreed (or should i say he has) that there is no reason why he can't arrange meet ups with his son and the GC on the days where i am at work and he is at home. DH does not have hobies or engagements on days off like i do, he litterally sits at home (does the odd chore) and waits for me to return home from work. He has agreed that he is going to TRY sort out 1 day a month where he does this. and of course we will continue to see GC at least twice a month as we have been doing irrespective of sleepovers since GC was born!

and basically if thats not good enough for SS and DIL, then we are doomed to never achieve their expectations.

So your SDIL's parents have the DGC 3 days a week plus 1 or 2 nights? Don't want to get shot down in flames here but how much time do SS & his wife actually spend with their child?

Indeed… it’s not my job to judge their parenting! DIL has a very large social circle, I can say that every weekend in April she’s been away and he’s had to take leave from work, I think this is why things are coming to a head! I’ve seen his rota at work and he’s worked 1 day out of the last 14 days!

I really hope your DH follows through and sees them without you having to be there on every occasion. You are entirely entitled to see your DD and her DC as often as you want. Our DD lives nearby with DGC, I am lucky that I get to see them a few times a week and they pop over regularly for dinner, coffee or the occasional nap!

Did you read abd understand WHY the OP decided to stop the sleepovers?
That's quite key, and very reasonable.

These people who can’t be bothered to learn to drive and then expect other people to do all the running around on their behalf.

Do you think maybe you're being a tiny bit sexist here? Would you think anything of it if it was the other way round with who works 5 days and who works 3? Even if there was anything to be "confused" about (there isn't), this isn't one of those times where your thoughts should be voiced.

Do the childcare that suits you and no more and ignore any whining. If they've got anything to say, refer them to your DH. If he reckons they're "hurt" (diddums), suggest he talks to them about it and not you. Do what you're going to do, don't apologize for it, and get on with your day (or, to put it another way, act like a man). Your husband seems pretty keen to throw any problems with his family to you; throw 'em back. Why is this stuff always treated as the responsibility of the nearest woman? Put your foot down.