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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

another row with SS and DIL

81 replies

Countesschaos · 23/04/2025 10:54

when GC was born, we did sleepovers every month, but as time went on, these sleepovers turned into every week, and both myself and DH were also working full time 24/7 shifts and we were exhausted, so we put a stop to them for a while, which i believe is our right to do. the sleepovers were not related to childcare, they were so that the couple could carry on their very busy social lives and in all honesty we felt they were taking the piss. But we still made every effort to visit, take out and be with said GC.

fast forward to this week, and was having a conversation with the SS and his partner, and they asked send over your rota so we can get a date booked in to you, which i did and on the spreadsheet i use, one saturday id written GC2 sleepover (daughter is pregnant, taken poorly, had to go into hospital so we had GC2).

SS see's this on the rota and instantly asks 'are sleepovers back on the agenda?'

anyway cut a long story short, a massive row ensues. SS and his partner admit that when we stopped sleepovers, the felt hurt so they stopped making any effort to see us, and basically have said when the sleepovers come back, then we can see GC again!

to me, this is using the GC as a weapon, give us what we want or you can't see him?

anyway, turns out, they are short of money, and she works 4 days a week and he works 3 days a week, and the plan is for her to go back to 5 days a week because she is the bigger wage earner. although if he took an extra day a week, he would easier earn the bigger wage... and again i am the bad guy because i suggested that rather than make partner go back to work full time, he should take an extra shift. it would seem that its not fair that he should sacrifice his time with his child and it would work out if he worked an extra shift that his partner would see the child more than he does? this apparently is 'modern parenting'?

what a log of tosh.. he's a grown ass adult who doesnt want to work!

I'm not really sure what the AIBU question is... i gues all of it?

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 26/04/2025 10:49

I think you're a bloody saint trying to single handedly make this shitshow work. They can harbour whatever opinions they want about what you should do for them, it doesn't make any of them right, fair or reasonable. They sound very entitled, a bit dim and very inconsiderate. I'd drop the rope with them and tell your DH you're fast losing respect for him for being such a wet lettuce with his son and DIL. And there's you doing all the fucking driving as well to make their contact plans work Angry.

MakeItToTheMoon · 26/04/2025 12:21

OP you’re doing well to try to juggle seeing your GC as well as living your own life. It really seems like they don’t want the responsibility of looking after their own child. Your DILs parents seem to do 50% of their parenting!

I find it so annoying when people have children just to offload on to family members… your SS doesn’t even work FT! They really need to grow up and take responsibility of their own life. Its ridiculous.

Original poster
Countesschaos · 26/04/2025 15:32

Elsvieta · 26/04/2025 10:34

Do you think maybe you're being a tiny bit sexist here? Would you think anything of it if it was the other way round with who works 5 days and who works 3? Even if there was anything to be "confused" about (there isn't), this isn't one of those times where your thoughts should be voiced.

Do the childcare that suits you and no more and ignore any whining. If they've got anything to say, refer them to your DH. If he reckons they're "hurt" (diddums), suggest he talks to them about it and not you. Do what you're going to do, don't apologize for it, and get on with your day (or, to put it another way, act like a man). Your husband seems pretty keen to throw any problems with his family to you; throw 'em back. Why is this stuff always treated as the responsibility of the nearest woman? Put your foot down.

Show quote history

im not entirely sure its being sexist stating the she works 5 days and he works 3. if it was the other way round and he worked 5 and she worked 3, and they still maoned and complained about having no money then i would point at that perhaps she could pick up another days work? but i'm not allowed to suggest a woman do more, and i am not allowed to suggest a man should do more because its sexist. why should she have to be the one to increase her hours? when there is very clearly room for him too?

but, i'm over all of that now. my battle lines have been drawn with SS, DIL and DH. they are all fully aware now of my boundaries and aware of the consequences of crossing them in the future.

so we shall see how it all pans out.

OP posts:
Fourfurrymonsters · 26/04/2025 17:18

HomeTheatreSystem · 26/04/2025 10:49

I think you're a bloody saint trying to single handedly make this shitshow work. They can harbour whatever opinions they want about what you should do for them, it doesn't make any of them right, fair or reasonable. They sound very entitled, a bit dim and very inconsiderate. I'd drop the rope with them and tell your DH you're fast losing respect for him for being such a wet lettuce with his son and DIL. And there's you doing all the fucking driving as well to make their contact plans work Angry.

Completely agree @HomeTheatreSystem
I can’t believe the audacity of these people, or of your DH, OP. He needs to step up and shut this nonsense down. I’d take a massive step back if I were you.

rainbowstardrops · 26/04/2025 17:53

Countesschaos · 25/04/2025 19:57

as i've explained, we have not said 'never' we have simply said 'not now'. it is impossible for us to build a bond with this child given the distance away they live, our working hours, and our other family committements. we have explained to them that we feel its unfair for us to have a child overnight who is confused, probably frightened and normally poorly.

on most occasions when we have picked up the child, as the car door has closed we've been told 'oh by the way he's got a cold, the runs, a cough here are his meds, and the car door is closed on us. so not only are we dealing with a poorly child, we are potentially passing all these lovely germs too the rest of the family. my other GC has ended up being blue lighted to a&e 3 times now after being in contact with the other poorly GC, so DD was (quite rightly) refusing to bring hers round for playdates. SS and DIL want both GC to have a good bond and encourage playdates as often as we can fit them in. and we haven't even discussed the fact that most of these coughs, colds and upset tummies also end up being passed to us. When my husband is poorly he is not paid for being off sick, luckily i am.

its a 2 hour round trip to collect the child and i have to do both trips, the collecting and the taking back home.

when i said me and my husband were exhausted.. we were genuinely exhausted! i've already mentioned i have mobility issues and we are not getting any younger, so yes at the moment we do prefer to see GC in company of mum and dad until there is no need to pick up and carrying him everywhere? and because after a sleepover, we were exhausted, usually poorly and in pain, that then affects our quality of life.

DIL's parents are heavily involved with their GC, they have him about 3 days a week and he sleeps over once or twice a week. DIL's parents live just round the corner, yet SS and DIL refuse to understand that this is exactly how things are with my DD.

Bio mum of SS is not on the scene, and the woman he grew up with and who he classes his mum lives abroad. Of course when she returns for visits, we are then not expected or allowed to see the child at all!

We are standing our ground, we have explained all our reasons over and over, but they are simply refusing to hear us.

Sorry, i rambled. I have decided to step away from all of it. I am forgiving myself. I am not this grown mans mother, i am not obliged to provide childcare for their child.

Show quote history

So DIL’s parent’s set up is similar to you with your daughters and yet they’re right and you’re wrong? I’d be pointing that out loud and clear!
SS and DIL are users and sound as if they’d pass their poor little baby off to anyone as often as they could.
I still think you have a whopping big DH problem too though.

Original poster
Countesschaos · 27/04/2025 18:11

rainbowstardrops · 26/04/2025 17:53

So DIL’s parent’s set up is similar to you with your daughters and yet they’re right and you’re wrong? I’d be pointing that out loud and clear!
SS and DIL are users and sound as if they’d pass their poor little baby off to anyone as often as they could.
I still think you have a whopping big DH problem too though.

Show quote history

i think this is why its so frustrating, although, i do see my daughter fairly regularly, we are never 'childcare', when we see her and the baby, its 'us' time. baby very rarely sleeps over at ours, mainly i guess because they know the issues i have health wise but they will ask from time to time if they have plans etc. i certainly do not do as much for my DD as DIL's parents do for her, but she seems to have this idea in her head that i'm with GC all the time when its simply not true. the babies are very close in age, and i suspect its a competition for DIL.

our DD has chosen not to ever show GC's face on any social media platform, infact they very rarely post anything at all, where as SS and DIL are posting multiple photos a day, showing the world their incrediable life and little family and we know its all smoke and mirrors.

but, as i've said, coming on here, and reading the replies, its given me a chance to sort things in my head. We, and i do include DH in this, will stick to our guns, as will i, i'm not competing for top Nana position, its not a competition.

OP posts:
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