My friend says I walk like a penguin

[Helpmeout99]

Back story: We have been friends for 20years, having met through our husbands, and can have a lovely, fun time when together. My friend has struggled with her temper in the past and has form for being a bit unkind then apologising after so we carry on- this behaviour has improved as she has got older and had children. She is less judgemental than she was now she is a mum herself, however she still has a tendency to feel life is harder for her and that she gets a raw deal whereas im quite a positive and upbeat person. This in the past has annoyed her and she has told me so.
last week it was her birthday and I took her out for afternoon tea and we then went shopping. I felt bad for her as she didnt find anything nice to buy and has been feeling down about her body as she has put on a lot of weight in the last few years and I just want her to feel good about herself.
Fast forward to a couple of days ago and we were out for a walk with our youngest children who are 6, when her daughter told me “mummy laughs at you for walking like a penguin” I said what do you mean and she repeated it and did a funny walk. I am not aware that I walk oddly and if I do feel that it is not kind to make fun of me for it. I called my friend who was walking ahead and said what her child had just said and she laughed and said well u do then added “shall I pull the knife out of your back now?” I was shocked but she then started talking about something else before adding that I walk with my feet at ten to two..
she text me later to say it was lovely to see me and did I want to go out for my birthday this week?
I feel really hurt that I know she laughs at me and makes comments, albeit stupid ones, behind my back. I would never make a comment or talk badly behind my friends backs and she knows this. I think the reason I feel so hurt is I feel used, ive taken her out for her birthday, I pick up her daughter from school twice a week and take her swimming and to brownies with my little girl and here she is taking the piss out of me! I go out of my way to be a good friend and help her with childcare, invite her over regularly for girls nights and bbqs and the invites are never returned.
she tells me im her best friend but honestly I feel im being used and made fun of.
Am I being unreasonable and completely ridiculous to feel so upset and strongly over this stupid comment? Do I need to give my head a wobble and accept that she can be great fun and just has a side when in that kind of mood or do I move on from this friendship?

Fair enough. I suppose it’s time to think about whether there’s enough value in the friendship for you to want to save. Because a ‘motherly, giving’ person can also have boundaries, even if she’s the one making all the allowances.

ETA to clarify — by ‘she’ I mean you, the motherly, giving person! I’m just saying that I wouldn’t let that conception of yourself mean you think you have to continue to engage in a friendship which is no longer working for you.

You could still maintain a friendship with her, but stop doing her all favours and call her out on any nasty comments. If she ends the friendship because you stopped doing her favours then you know she was a user.

Oh god no lol. I don’t expect anything in return at all, I love her little girl and have been there since she was tiny so have always been happy to take her to activities with my little one. I dont need the childcare as between my husband and I we manage to sort it whereas hers is a little trickier to sort due to her hours. All I want is the lovely sode of our friendship without feeling like she may be being unpleasant behind my back.

You sound like a wonderful friend, OP, her, not so much.
I'd cool things a bit, she'll be the one who loses out, not you.

I think what the worst bit about it is that she is saying things about you in front of her child, who will then think this is ok to do to others. I don't think she sounds at all nice. I wouldn't be going out my way to do anything for her. It is not your fault or problem if she cannot get her own child to clubs she has signed her up for.

"All I want is the lovely sode of our friendship without feeling like she may be being unpleasant behind my back."

But this person has proven she is not that kind of friend, she will be unpleasant about you behind your back as well as in front of you!

You want friendship with a different kind of person, she is not it.

But isn’t that an expectation in itself? Again, I’m not being mean here, but from what you say, she has history for being unkind and bad-tempered. Are you (unconsciously) trading childcare and taking her out for the expectation that she will behave/not behave in certain ways? Is what’s really bothering you that she’s been nicer to your face, but clearly giving vent to her unkinder side in front of a child who’s too little not to pass on a remark she thought was funny?

There's the saying about friends being for a reason, a season or a lifetime - hers was for a season. It's okay to move on.

OP - this is honestly not me missing the point of the thread (she sounds horrible), but if she is correct about the way that you walk it might be a good idea to get a physio referral just to check it out. It may be nothing, but that kind of gait can also be indicative of muscular / hip or spinal problems. I know because it happened to me. It can be one of the first indicators of an underlying problem that could be years in development but seriously impact on your health in the future. And caught early enough it may be able to be corrected.

She sounds like a complete bitch, and her daughter must’ve heard her laughing about it.
Don’t contact her about your birthday. Spend it with those who love you.
I have Cerebral Palsy and was called a penguin at school. It really upset me
Please don’t take it to heart,it was her plan to hurt you

Yeah, OP, how dare you expect a friend to *checks notes, not be a cunt and mock you both behind your back and your and also right to your face? Oh, and have absolutely no remorse when confronted on this.

Hmm I see what you mean and appreciate this perspective- maybe my expectation is of her to be someone she cannot 100% be all the time? In which case it is on me to decide what I will and wont tolerate.
I have a lovely group of friends so it is up to me to decide if this friendship is worth continuing- I think its hard because I do care and want the best for her and I care for her children too,so I either accept this side and call her out on it or cut my losses maybe?

Im so sorry, that is so hurtful x

She is nasty. Your positivity has set your focus on the tiny nice parts of her. Time to see the big picture.

My husband tells me that there is no issue with how I walk and nobody else has commented but I appreciate what you are saying x

You could use this penguin comment as a step change.

Tell her you will no longer be able to take her dd to swimming and brownies.

Wait for things to settle after that.

And then have a conversation with her that the penguin comment really hurt you and that this has to stop if she wants the friendship to continue.

With everything you say you show your hurt BUT ALSO empathy and understanding for her.

When does she ever give you the same grace?

I'd bet pretty much never.

She needs to realise how much you do for her and what a, frankly, utterly shit friend she can be.

Time to end the friendship. Said to you once you could gloss over, not to her own young child.

She’s not a friend, I cannot bare people who feel shit about themselves and make others feel bad to make themselves feel better. It’s the worst type of person IME.

I wouldn't end the friendship over the comment. I would end it as it's so one-sided, though. Balls to that.

How would she react if you took the piss out of her appearance?

Oh god you are so much nicer than me - I would have snapped back "at least I am a slim penguin"

I'm sure those who she laughs with about you can do all the running round after her DD seeing as howshe clearly gets on so well with them.

I'm not surprised that you're upset.
That was a shitty comment.
Coming from her 6yr old shows that your "D"F is actually mocking you behind your back and to add to the insult she's mocking you to a child, a child that you go out of your way to help with.
I'd cut her off, she's not your friend

Also she's taking op kindness as weakness and using her.
She ain't no friend op.