A word of warning for all those who would ‘never feed your child x’

[maybein2022]

Inspired by the chocolate cereal thread.

I am a huge believer in good, nutritious food, especially for kids and teens. We rarely had ready meals, almost all dinners were cooked from scratch. I did all the ‘right’ things, tried to provide balance, eg I didn’t outright ban foods, but we didn’t routinely buy things like coco pops or white sliced bread, for example. But if the kids went to parties or we ate out, they could choose what they wanted. If we went to the beach they got an ice cream. And so on.

But then my teenage daughter developed anorexia. All the foods I had, in the past, judged people for routinely giving their children (neurodivergence aside- I have worked with kids who can only eat certain foods/have ARFID) like coco pops, sliced white bread, cinnamon cereal, special k bars and the like became the very foods that keep her alive. Anything she is willing to eat, even tiny amounts of, even the most UPF you can imagine that a couple of years ago I would have never, ever dreamt of allowing in my home, goes at this point.

Yes, mostly non UPF food and a brilliant, healthy diet is of course the aim, with some balance for treats and so on. But until you’ve been faced with a child who is so severely unwell that ANY food is good food, you can’t say you’d ‘never’ give your child x food. You just can’t.

Sending support to all who need it.

I'm so sorry your daughter is fighting this battle which will mean you in turn are horribly stressed and worried. My heart goes out to you . There is a long running thread on Mumsnet for parents of children with anorexia, maybe you are already on it? but if not you might find some support/comfort on there?

Thank you @LindorDoubleChoc would you mind linking the thread?

To those who have voted YABU, can I ask why? If a dr is siting with your child who is on the verge of hospital admission telling you any food you can get in is brilliant, including coco pops (as an example) really, you wouldn’t allow them to eat them or judge people for doing so?! I truly hope you never are in this situation.

Yup. My DC has developed an eating disorder and I have been told just to get calories in. So my non UPF eating self is feeding them whatever they will eat - fast food, ice cream and bloody coco pops if that’s what gets them those vital calories.
I admit to being a bit smug about our healthy diet in the past (where all food was cooked from scratch) until this happened.

You are absolutely right- fed is best. That goes for babies being breastfed/bottledfed to teens eating raw food/upfs. At the end of the day we eat to live and whatever it takes to survive is good. My DS friend has Arfid and has never eaten a fruit or vegetable in his whole life and he's 13. His poor mum who is very health conscious has had a hard time taking him to all kind of specialists in vain. He's on vitamin supplements and he's quite tall and highly intelligent. She has now accepted that this is just how it is. He's not a big eater and will only eat very specific things, mostly upfs. But he's fed. He's alive.
I am so sorry for you and your daughter and I hope things will get better in the future. 💗

Don't worry about the votes. Anyone with reading comprehension and an ounce of empathy will clearly tell you YANBU to feed your daughter whatever it takes to keep her alive.❤️

I'm so sorry OP, that's so, so hard for you.

I think it's important to be able to to say out loud that UPF foods shouldn't be a common part kid's diet, yes, whole foods should be the norm...

BUT I absolutely agree with you, that for your daughter, ANY calories are golden, and the whole good/bad healthy/unhealthy discussion is just not part of your day to day right now.

When my dc was a baby, she had several skull operations, which were so painful for her and meant she was covered in tubes and dressings. Of course she pulled on them and cried with the pain, it was awful. We used cbeebies/iphone/tv as a way to distract and sooth her, especially on those long nights on the hospital ward when it was just about getting through, from minute to minute. Ordinarily I'd be the mum that said "screens are bad for kids!" but for that time, they were actually a lifesaver. So I truly empathise with the need to give your previous daughter anything she will eat right now.

Caitlin Moran's memoir 'More Than A Woman' writes brilliantly on her daughter's anorexia, I recommend it.

Sending many hugs to you for this tough time 🤗

I voted YABU because the criticism of chocolate cereal was not about your child or others like her. Of course there are conditions where any food is better than none, and there are some medical conditions where calorie dense food is necessary.

I wasn't the OP on the chocolate cereal thread, but people were horrible to her, insulting her and her children, it was one of the nastiest pile ons I've seen.

I think YABU to start a new thread on it.

I'm very sorry you're going through this with your daughter, no one is judging you on what she eats.

Great big hugs for you and solidarity- I have been there too, we (dd) are mostly (but never totally) ok now and she is adult but I could have written your post a few years ago.
i found great comfort in the threads on here but could never bring myself to post anything.

I have a few questions for you - about judging others for their choices - was that silent judgement or did you judge out loud? Also, did you set up a good food/ bad food binary that the family were aware of, or did they associate holiday/ party / outing food with loss of control in some way?

I voted that YANBU. My pre teen daughter was undiagnosed coeliac for years and was underweight. She’s since been diagnosed and is slowly putting on weight. Her nutritionist has advised her that she can eat whatever gluten free cereal she likes, should have dessert after lunch and dinner, full fat cream and butter in as much of her food to put the calories on. Of course she is also to eat fruit and vegetables and protein but is also encouraged to have cake for dessert too. My daughter doesn’t overeat she stops when she is full and if fairly active. At this point we have to put the calories on.

Sending much support to you and a gentle hug for your dd. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Yes fed is best.

YANBU OP, my DC has Arfid and has never eaten fruit or veg - I have tried every trick in the book, so I find those threads upsetting to be honest. Very judgemental and not considering those who buy them to get any calories into their children by any means.

And to the pp who says it wasn't about children like the Op's, the thread title was basically a 'who on earth is buying this as it's awful for children' - whilst yes, it's not nutritious any calories are good calories for some children and the OP didn't consider that.

Anorexia approach by teenagers may be partly linked to control. If the only thing in life they think they can control is what they eat, it may be linked to this.
This was certainly my approach as a teenager.

I get where you’re coming from.

I think I’ve always done a pretty good job at ensuring my DCs are fed a well balanced diet…..within our medical parameters.

In recent years, I’ve seen so many articles and “wellness influencers” banging on about how oat milk is the worst choice for non-dairy milks and how a lot of vegan alternatives to commonplace foods are ultra-processed rubbish…….but my DS has multiple food allergies 🫠 He’s got an anaphylactic cows milk protein allergy, and less severe allergies to eggs, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, and a few random fruits.
Oat milk is the only choice we have that has the recommended fat and iodine content for a child of his age.
Is it the optimal choice for peak nutrition? No. But it’s the only choice he has.

I have a young child who is rarely motivated by meals, struggles to grow, is underweight, and a serious medical condition. Her dietician stresses the priority that is her putting on weight, and eating, whatever it is.

She currently will sometimes eat toast with biscoff spread on at breakfast. We take what we can get.

Agreed. I have two with suspected ARFID (both autistic). Food is a huge issue in this house and I know I would be hugely criticised if anyone were to scrutinise their diets.

Place marking

I agree with you @maybein2022

Im going to add that it’s not just ED that might make you glad that someone is eating something, anything.
Many disabled people are in that boat too, simply because the UPF crap is easy to eat/easy to prepare (or rather there is no prep involved). Those with gastroparesis

Eating is always better than not eating. Whatever the reason.

Thank you for posting this OP! I’m sorry your daughter is struggling and I wish you all the best. People who post snooty “I can’t believe people who feed their kids x” or “feeding your kids y is neglect” type posts do so from a position of enormous privilege and superiority and I hope they never experience difficulties with food for themselves or their children, but they need to keep their views to themselves.

Except the OP hasn’t started a thread about that specific thread. It was a trigger for her thread. Like it often hapoens.

Yabu only because no one is criticising those with eating disorders eating upfs. You're projecting. Of course they need to eat something, no matter what it is.

I voted YABU as the premise is wrong. The whole “I’d NEVER”… allow white bread in the house is bordering on a form of orthorexia. I minimise UPF and aim for whole/home made food for the majority. So I think you were unreasonable from the start. Of course anyone thinks a child with anorexia and in recovery should eat anything that can be encouraged into them.

To be honest me and my siblings were underweight naturally as kids and our mum tried desperately to get us to eat more chocolate and high calorie food. We even got told by the doctor to eat more crisps and salt to counter low blood pressure.

Interestingly my friend who is obese said her mum never ever allowed her chocolate and only let them have 'healthy' food. She's now very obese as an adult whereas I don't crave junk food whatsoever as it was never forbidden or thought of as bad for me as a kid.

There's a huge psychological component to this - and I actually think strict "healthy eating" parents do more harm than parents who feed their kids high sugar foods and are relaxed about it.

If you read my OP, I said I didn’t routinely buy things like sliced white bread, not that I never did. When I mention things I’d never have allowed into my house that wasn’t phrased very well, but no, I wouldn’t have bought fizzy sweets into the house as part of a normal food shop. If they chose them out and about I didn’t say no.

I think you are being a little unreasonable - dealing with a dreadful illness is of course quite different and requires different rules - and is something most people fortunately will never experience

you don’t exercise a broken leg , you feed an anorexic anything they might eat. You shouldn’t have to list all possible exceptions to make a general point