A word of warning for all those who would ‘never feed your child x’

[maybein2022]

Inspired by the chocolate cereal thread.

I am a huge believer in good, nutritious food, especially for kids and teens. We rarely had ready meals, almost all dinners were cooked from scratch. I did all the ‘right’ things, tried to provide balance, eg I didn’t outright ban foods, but we didn’t routinely buy things like coco pops or white sliced bread, for example. But if the kids went to parties or we ate out, they could choose what they wanted. If we went to the beach they got an ice cream. And so on.

But then my teenage daughter developed anorexia. All the foods I had, in the past, judged people for routinely giving their children (neurodivergence aside- I have worked with kids who can only eat certain foods/have ARFID) like coco pops, sliced white bread, cinnamon cereal, special k bars and the like became the very foods that keep her alive. Anything she is willing to eat, even tiny amounts of, even the most UPF you can imagine that a couple of years ago I would have never, ever dreamt of allowing in my home, goes at this point.

Yes, mostly non UPF food and a brilliant, healthy diet is of course the aim, with some balance for treats and so on. But until you’ve been faced with a child who is so severely unwell that ANY food is good food, you can’t say you’d ‘never’ give your child x food. You just can’t.

Sending support to all who need it.

The EvaMusby book and the FBT approach was hugely damaging for our child and family leading to CPSD and absolutely should not be regarded as a bible. We are not alone.Anorexia is often linked to Autism which the above does not necessarily suit.

I'm genuinely sorry for you and your daughter but I'm pretty sure it's a given that 'I would never feed my kids coco pops' is shorthand for 'I would never feed my kids coco pops unless they had a mental illness and might die otherwise'.

Which is still laden with judgement. Saying nothing short of death would have someone give their kids x food places a burden on people who do buy things like cocoa pops, and lots of people do, for lots of reasons that don’t include they might die otherwise.

Some people are very unhealthy in their attitudes to food, everything in moderation is a good mantra to live by.

I voted yabu... because I don't judge people anyway for feeding their kids white bread and chocolate cereal...even in the best of times.

And of course, in crisis situations, people do all sorts of things for survival. I never gave my dc fizzy drinks, but if we were in a desert with no water, I'd allow them.

Anyway...I wish you and your DD well...I really hope things will improve for you

I didn’t say it would work for everyone and the book is clear it won’t work for everyone. Dd is not autistic and we have found it to be life saving (literally).

Great. It did the opposite for us and entrenched my DD’s Anorexia more. You said “absolute Bible”which brings with it connotations. I dont think this thread is the place for advising on treatment which should have an individualised approach.

Well said OP. My son has ARFID and would starve before he ate anything that he considers not safe. When his weight drops we feed him Mcdonalds or Saveloys from the chippy every day, even twice a day because it's calories he needs and I don't care what it is that gives him those calories.

Op I just wanted to send you a huge hug. I have been where you are with my DD a few years ago and it was awful. I remember how alone I felt in my battle to try and keep her alive,it was isolating and terrifying. I just wanted you to know you are not alone .
We are now 2 years clear of that awful illness and she is now a happy and healthy young adult. Hoping you reach that point soon too.

And yes sending hugs too OP and a YANBU.

Demonising food can very easily lead to restriction and when it beds in it’s so hard to get rid of.

Our “healthy eating” was actually used against us. Any food deemed not “healthy” was rejected in favour of “healthy” apples, celery, fucking rice cakes and cucumber. I hate rice cakes now with every fibre of my being.

I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through with your daughter. Of course you’d have only been doing your best avoiding processed foods with her, and now you’re still doing your best by giving her whatever food in whatever form to try and keep her healthy.

As an aside, I recall growing up with a friend who had parents who were massive health freaks- they were both PTs (this was in the 90s when it was all about eating less and little in the way of proteins/healthy fats). As a result, my friend never ever had sweet treats or anything in the house to snack on. We were around 10/11 at the time.

As soon as she got her pocket money she would go straight to the corner shop and buy as many sweets/chocolate as she could and would absolutely gorge on them. She would hide food in her pockets and binge eat as much as possible. As a result by our teens she was very overweight and had serious issues with food.

Not in any way connecting this with your story OP, please don’t think I am, but it serves as a reminder to me that young people need some balance with their diet.

When I was pregnant I suffered with really bad morning sickness, I was never actually sick just constantly nauseous. At one dr’s appointment (Not UK, rural location all appointments with my very experienced mature gynecologist) he noticed I was still losing weight, my husband told him I hadn’t eaten for three days. He put me on a drip and sat by the bed explaining to me that there was no such thing as bad food now. I just had to eat anything. The only thing I could think of was highly processed macaroni cheese, the dry stuff from the packets. He was very happy with this and also suggested sugar would help with the nausea. So for a couple of days I lived off macaroni cheese and tinned pineapple.
Once I started to feel better I continued the pregnancy with no problems. Though I did eat a king size mars bar every day, sometimes two. I did the same in my next pregnancy. This is the only time I’ve really eaten them, I don’t actually like them. When pregnant my husband says I turn it to a bumble bee and just consume sugar.
I had a few conversations with this Dr since about food, he was telling me how not that long ago on this island children were fed vast amounts of sugar, times when food supplies were low they would add spoonfuls of sugar to anything they could just to get calories up. The problem is now there is no shortage of food, there is so much choice so this is why people have to be careful with what they eat.

'Everything in moderation' means different things to different people though. What's a moderate amount of junk food?

Anyway, that's not what OP was about and I don't want to rehash the thread she's referring to so I won't bang on about it.

This.
I have a friend whose daughter had orthorexia as a teen. She is much better now she is in her 30s. Her mother is still banging on about how she ( the mother) always cooks from scratch, they rarely eat out, they cook fresh food every day on holiday, as if anyone who eats a supermarket quiche is s follower of Satan. Her daughter has just had a baby. I can see the judging of the diet of that baby beginning once weaning begins.

Totally agree. Of course if a child is AFRID or anorexic etc then it’s just brilliant if they do eat. No one is judging that and this shouldn’t be conflating with choosing to feed your kid crap all the time when you have a child who will eat anything. Those are two very different things.

I know two very close people to me who have anorexia who grew up without any food limitations. I grew up with no sugar cereals or white bread and have followed the same thinking and my kids will eat anything.

Let’s not tar everyone with the same brush. If a kid will eat anything then I think it is better to get them to eat healthy foods.

YANBU, OP - I’m so sorry to hear about your DD. It’s incraslingly clear to me that the UPF cult is another of the many replacements humans have created for organised religion. Eat the ‘good’ foods, avoid the ‘evil’ foods and you’ll get into heaven stay healthy. Don’t deviate from the advice of the priests nutritionists or you’ll be cast into outer darkness.

The occasional bowl of Coco Pops is not going to kill anyone, and in the case of people like your daughter, maybe lifesaving. I wish you and her all the best.

I can confidently say I would never have coco pops and many other foods in my house due to food allergies. I could say posters saying everything in moderation etc are ‘laying burden’. My allergic children would love to have the freedom of choice, but they don’t. I choose to help them accept this with resilience rather than police what others say and do.
Editing as I was meant to quote JellycatsPyjamas

Yes 100 percent. My mum was you when I was a teen. The dr said if I want candy floss on top of a McDonald’s with a pint of coke then do give it to me. ANYTHING is better than nothing

you must be beyond stressed OP and going through hell right now. You have absolutely done the right things trying not to give your child crap but now your child is going through this you have absolutely done the right thing and gone to the drs and now willing to give your child whatever food regardless of its nutritional value. You are amazing. Stay strong OP. Take each day as it comes as some days will be better than others.

when I was going through this my mum would make lots of smoothies for me if that may be an idea to give it a go

You have my utmost support and sympathy for what you’re going through with your daughter. I hope she is getting all the support you need and that things improve for her very soon.

Having said that, you are BU in this thread, as when people say ‘I’d never feed that to my children’, it is clearly and obviously a generic statement, against which there will always be exceptions, for varying reasons, from your example of an eating disorder, to allergies, medical conditions etc.
The point does however stand that certain foods are not good options for children (or anyone really), all things being equal, and that is the thrust of the statement.
Pretending they are ordinarily acceptable, simply because a child may be in an extreme circumstance, leads to the belief (with no specific ‘circumstances’ that necessitate access to such foods) that they’re OK, when they’re really not. It is not helpful to normalise the consumption of unhealthy food because of clear and profound exceptions like yours.

But what are healthy foods?

Cheese can be unhealthy and so can fruit if not eaten as part of a balanced diet which will contain the odd processed foods.

Anorexia seems to so often start with “ healthy eating” then a vegetarian diet,then vegan then full on restriction. Have seen so many young girls go through this cycle.

I think demonising foods can be quite dangerous.

It’s incraslingly clear to me that the UPF cult is another of the many replacements humans have created for organised religion. Eat the ‘good’ foods, avoid the ‘evil’ foods and you’ll get into heaven stay healthy

Agree with this...it's just another way to prove how you're a fundamentally better person...

I hear you OP. My DD was anorexic too. Once she started to recover and eat again, she craved fast food- burgers, chips, pizzas etc. I was just so relieved that she was eating, I didn’t care. Two years on, she is doing well and eating a wide range of foods.

YABU because, at least in the UK, 47% of what the average toddler eats is ultra processed, and that just increases as they get older.

Of course there are always exceptions to the general rule, such as your daughter, but I don't see what's controversial about saying that those statistics are not ideal and will have a negative impact on health.

There is, but I and others were allowed to regulate ourselves and no food off limits and have had yoyoing weight from severely underweight to obese all my life.

My child ate themselves physically sick recently
with multiple puddings ( not on my watch ) we’re all neurodiverse and struggle with regulating and understanding bodily cues and signals.

My mother was so worried about anorexia her view was so long as I was eating that was good - but actually being overweight in early puberty gave me life long body/ food issues anyway. It definitely isn’t as simple as don’t restrict and they’ll be fine.

That’s the thing - “healthy” eating can become disordered eating. People get utterly obsessed with not eating this and that - that it becomes utterly obsessive. I wish more people realised this. Of course, aim for a good healthy balanced diet but a few treats won’t hurt you - life is too short and I honestly believe the “stress” of trying to keep ultra clean is probs counter productive in my view 🤷🏻‍♀️

💐