A word of warning for all those who would ‘never feed your child x’

[maybein2022]

Inspired by the chocolate cereal thread.

I am a huge believer in good, nutritious food, especially for kids and teens. We rarely had ready meals, almost all dinners were cooked from scratch. I did all the ‘right’ things, tried to provide balance, eg I didn’t outright ban foods, but we didn’t routinely buy things like coco pops or white sliced bread, for example. But if the kids went to parties or we ate out, they could choose what they wanted. If we went to the beach they got an ice cream. And so on.

But then my teenage daughter developed anorexia. All the foods I had, in the past, judged people for routinely giving their children (neurodivergence aside- I have worked with kids who can only eat certain foods/have ARFID) like coco pops, sliced white bread, cinnamon cereal, special k bars and the like became the very foods that keep her alive. Anything she is willing to eat, even tiny amounts of, even the most UPF you can imagine that a couple of years ago I would have never, ever dreamt of allowing in my home, goes at this point.

Yes, mostly non UPF food and a brilliant, healthy diet is of course the aim, with some balance for treats and so on. But until you’ve been faced with a child who is so severely unwell that ANY food is good food, you can’t say you’d ‘never’ give your child x food. You just can’t.

Sending support to all who need it.

I think its ok to say that there is a type of diet that its better than other diets. Its not rocket science that good whole foods, high proportion of veg and fruit with low ultra processing and good proteins is better than a junk food diet

Thats a true, general blanket statement and nothing is wrong with saying that

That type of statement doesnt apply for anyone with specific dietary or medical needs, that is obvious.

OP on that other thread was being mocked and derided for saying that general statement. It has become a point of pride to some degree to say how shit our diets are at times. Im not sure why. Europeans wouldnt speak this way about their kids diets.

I agree, DD had an eating disorder as a teen and I was happy she ate anything at all. I used to give her mars bars and hot chocolate, pasta with butter, microwave popcorn with butter, literally anything to get calories into her. She’s now 20, happy and healthy, she still eats a fairly restricted diet in terms of variety but she eats. Yes healthy is good but just eating something/anything can be a victory.

Yabu because that OP wasn't talking about parents like you. She was talking about parents who can't be arsed.

Hi op. Yanbu of course. A bit u in the past and I didn’t do what you did. I couldn’t with my dd. This is the ED thread for advice and general support. www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/5172972-support-thread-13-for-parents-of-young-people-with-an-eating-disorder?page=8&reply=143631198

Sympathies OP. I have an underweight autistic teen with many issues around food, resulting in a diet containing way more crap than I’d like, but needs must.

I saw the thread you mention, but could tell from title that the subject matter wasn’t for me (plus I hate faux naive questions like that) so made the decision not to open it.

I am sorry you are going through this. But I voted YABu because when people say they would never give their child this or that food, they mean as part of a normal diet not when their child is suffering g from a mental health disorder like anorexia and not in the circumstances you describe such as SEND. I have had very sick family members who needed calories from whatever source but that is different to normal life where you try to make healthy decisions.
I wish you all a speedy recovery from this awful situation.
Just to make clear I did not vote yabu to feed your Dd whatever she will eat, I said yabu to say that those who say they would not feed certain foods to their kids are talking about your circumstances.

You are because that OP wasn't talking about parents like you. She was talking about parents who can't be arsed.

That OP was judging anyone who bought particular cereals - cue a whole raft of people explaining how their child is usually fed organic grass watered by angels tears except on a weekend. It’s always “oh she didn’t mean you”, when no one really knows what challenges people face on a daily basis that really compromise their ability to feed their children what is considered a healthy diet.

I’ve had times where my kids nutrition was excellent, home cooked, no junk, no UPF, I’ve had times when it’s been McDonald’s and cocoa pops, and a happy medium in between. The reasons for that are no one’s business, I know what I’m dealing with and the choices I’ve needed to make - fed is fed at its most basic level.

@maybein2022 I’ve walked the road you’re on - it’s incredibly stressful and all consuming. I hope you all come through it quickly and with regained health and strength.

I only feed my children whole foods/cook from scratch etc generally but I know when my eldest has been poorly I have given him anything he wants to get calories in him and that’s just with a few days of being off his food because of a bug, of course YANBU to do whatever you need to do to keep your girl eating

Thank you for all the responses, kind comments and to those who have made difficult, but also valid points.

And to the poster who said not just people with eating disorders who need to eat this way, people with other conditions and disabilities, absolutely also true for them.

I suppose my point was that I often see on here people never dreaming that they could possibly give their child ‘junk’ food. Like, they really could never picture it. And my point was, I hope that for their sakes, they never sit in a room full of professionals telling them their child is at risk of dying or doing serious harm to their body, being told coco pops are fine. More than fine. Because at that point, they really, really are. And probably, to be honest, at a point long before that.

It’s human nature to judge others- I know I’ve done it. None of us are perfect. Whatever anyone types on here, NO ONE feeds their child a perfect diet 100% of the time. No one.

And yes to the poster who said sometimes parents who are too ’healthy’ with their kids can cause more issues. That can definitely be true. Or it can not be. It just depends. Food shouldn’t have a moral value but it really seems to.

Anyway. Lots to think about.

Nope, that is not what the OP said, they said 'they can't imagine why anyone would buy this' - that is privilege talking as many people described why they'd buy it.

Yep my niece is profoundly autistic and has food intolerances and her diet is tightly controlled but on the face of it not that healthy. She likes chips and popcorn and salty carby foods. Her mother has to bargain with her to eat more protein which is more like sausages rather than healthy grilled chicken. But food is food and she’s under several doctors care - whatever she will eat that she’s not intolerant to she needs to eat.

I'm not sure if you are my friend d or not but either way I'm sending you, your daughter and your family huge hugs.

Why? Can't you just use the bookmark function?

When did people get so militant about food? I have asd dc with restricted diet so feed them what they will eat otherwise they would starve!

@maybein2022 we are going through what you are. ARFID-adjacent traits are making things even harder and it's difficult and distressing to disentangle it all. Sending love and solidarity. It's bloody difficult, isn't it?

Turns all your smug parenting rules on their head doesn’t it?

No exercise allowed. Used to be her asking me for a lift to school and me saying walk. Now this is reversed she wants to walk so she can burn off calories I’m all about exercise reduction. Get in the car!

Screens at meal times? Brilliant. Watching reels means she’s distracted and eats more.

Banning celery cucumber and fucking rice cakes. All used by the skilled anorexic to eat without actually eating properly. Fig rolls and flapjacks are what I’m replacing those with.

What’s your problem?

no I can’t actually

Hope your daughter is feeling better soon

Brilliant job as a mum for looking after her x

Theabrandt 💐

Totally agree with you @maybein2022 . I wish you all the best with DD.

DS is autistic and rarely eats fruit or veg. Boy do I know some judgemental people who have made life very uncomfortable over the years for me

It makes me sad that he eats white sliced bread but rather that, than nothing

I'm genuinely sorry for you and your daughter but I'm pretty sure it's a given that 'I would never feed my kids coco pops' is shorthand for 'I would never feed my kids coco pops unless they had a mental illness and might die otherwise'.

Op have you got the Eva Musby book? We bought that and we are following it religiously and her method is working for us 🤞.

Saw it recommended on here when we finally got to see the ED consultant psychiatrist she recommended it as did the CAHMs doctor. It basically tells parents what to do practically. Absolute bible.

@maybein2022 I have walked your path, and twelve years later am still walking it to a degree.

People do judge, I was at the supermarket once and had loaded up the conveyor belt with full sugar coke, mars bars, crisps, sugary cereal etc. All the foods I now had to buy to try and get DD to eat anything. The checkout assistant in a sarcastic voice said how “lucky” I was to eat that way and not get fat. I replied something along the lines of my DD potentially dying of an eating disorder and that was the food I now had to buy. But I can remember feeling so ashamed.

I hope your DD soon recovers, and life gets easier for you both.

Obviously you feed your daughter what you need to. No judgement. Be kind to yourself though op. You didn't cause this and your healthy diet for her didn't either. I hope she recovers soon. You are giving her what she needs for now.