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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving away aibu

84 replies

mumguilt1978 · 22/04/2025 07:02

I have an opportunity to move 300 miles giving me a much better work life balance, better pay and future opportunities. My ds is almost 20 and refusing to come, which is fine but he is making me feel very guilty.
I have purchased a property that enables him to live with me, but now the move is imminent I’m starting to wonder am I being really unreasonable asking a 20 year old to move or expecting them to get a place and start adulting if they don’t comply?
He has a job but nothing special or non transferable. He could just about pay his way if he stays and increases his hours. Could come and get a similar job.
So I guess AIBU to move away from a 20 year old that has chosen not to come?

OP posts:
Largestlegocollectionever · 22/04/2025 07:04

You’re effectively abandoning him unless he moves and I can see why at 20 he doesn’t want to leave his friends.

I wouldn’t do the move unless I knew they were coming and it was a better move for them too.

WhatNoRaisins · 22/04/2025 07:07

Personally I think now that your child is an adult you are well within your rights to make life decisions that suit you. I think you're a parent for life but there should be a limit as to how much you're expected to sacrifice for them.

Pippa12 · 22/04/2025 07:10

I think at 20 he’s old enough to stand on his own two feet. I think if you’ve given him enough time to save abit of cash and find alternative accommodation you’ve been reasonable. He won’t be homeless as he has the option to join you.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 22/04/2025 07:11

It's fine. I'm sure there are plenty of house shares available. Many of us were living independently at that age and he does have the choice to move with you.

tilypu · 22/04/2025 07:13

While being a parent is forever, there comes a time when life needs to be more about what you want and less about what they want. Your son would hopefully be moving on themselves in the not too distant future.

If it was me, and it was feasible, I might wait a couple of years, but with them fully knowing that it was going to happen so they had time to figure out their next move with no immediate pressure. But if this is an opportunity that might not be available in a couple of years then, yes, I would do exactly what you are proposing. And make sure that he knows there is always a bed for him should he decide to come after all, for whatever reason.

You've got to live your life too.

Fidgety31 · 22/04/2025 07:14

I wouldn’t do it . 300 miles is a long journey to see each other

Agix · 22/04/2025 07:18

YANBU. He's 20. An adult. He can make his own choices (i.e he doesn't want to come with you) so he can also lead and manage his own life.

You are not abandoning him., he's not a child. If he was a kid who needed you, he would've had no choice but to come. He has chosen not to. He can take lead on his life now and you're not doing anything wrong.

Malvala · 22/04/2025 07:20

Largestlegocollectionever · 22/04/2025 07:04

You’re effectively abandoning him unless he moves and I can see why at 20 he doesn’t want to leave his friends.

I wouldn’t do the move unless I knew they were coming and it was a better move for them too.

Oh give over … he’s 20 not 12.

OP YANBU to put yourself first. He’s well able to support himself if he wants to. Good luck with the move.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 22/04/2025 07:23

Largestlegocollectionever · 22/04/2025 07:04

You’re effectively abandoning him unless he moves and I can see why at 20 he doesn’t want to leave his friends.

I wouldn’t do the move unless I knew they were coming and it was a better move for them too.

Abandoning a 20 years old adult??
How ridiculous. He is not being abandoned, he's making a decision not to move.
@mumguilt1978 YANBU. Live your life. Do not feel guilty that your grown up son doesn't want to leave his little friends. He can either come with you and get a bloody grip, or start to stand on his own two feet and stay with his playmates.

DaisyChain505 · 22/04/2025 07:24

You’re not abandoning him. He has the choice to come with you and have a home with you or to use the money he’s earning at his job to pay for his own place where you currently are.

Hes allowed to be annoyed at the situation being presented to him but that doesn’t mean you are in the wrong.

DriveMeCrazyRoadRage · 22/04/2025 07:29

Why is he living at home with you? Does he have SEN or mental health needs?

If he has no additional needs and is just at home because he can't be bothered to move out or doesn't want to have to pay proper rent, then I'd say go! He needs a wake up call! If he has a decent reason, like a MH need or sen, then I'd stay and give him a two-year timescale and do everything I can over that time to get him prepared and ready either to move with me or go into supported living of some kind, or get his own place..

HomeTheatreSystem · 22/04/2025 07:29

He has 2 viable choices; his not liking either of them is not your problem. 20 yrs old is plenty old enough to start standing on your own two feet in a house share or similar. Yes, he may well need to get a better job or increase his hours to be able to afford it but that's life. It sounds like he's coasting a bit at the monent. You need to do what's best for you and your finances now especially given the dodgy job market.

Cyclebabble · 22/04/2025 07:31

Many kids go to Uni at 18 and get on really well. As a parent you can help with accommodation/guarantees etc and you can meet often. Unless there is some form of need then I think your plan is fine. I would not let him guilt trip you.

Ginmonkeyagain · 22/04/2025 07:33

He's an adult. Yoi've offered to accomodate him in your new place and he has refused. His choice.

Testingmypatience1 · 22/04/2025 07:36

I think in reality a 20 year in a poorly paid job but a home and friends established where you are now is an extremely challenging prospect, he isn’t an established adult by any means. Most newly adult children are supported by parents at university, and come home regularly.

I wouldn’t want to be 300 miles from my child under any circumstances. That is a choice you are making, but you can’t blame him when it impacts your relationship with him, and your relationship becomes cold and distant.

By default you are withdrawing support, and choosing money and prospects over a relationship with your child. It depends how important he is to you, and how much it means to have a close bond with him. Or not.

I would say this will definitely be a defining choice you will be making, and your doubts and concerns are valid.

As a minimum I would be helping him financially to secure accommodation, until he is in a stronger position to support himself fully. Or he could end up homeless.

It is a choice you can make, because he is newly adult, but I would weigh up what it might cost you and him in the longer term.

Timeforabiscuit · 22/04/2025 07:41

I think it's a rough choice for the 20 year old, especially if you don't HAVE to move - but living life on the whim of when they might be ready to move out is pretty cruddy too!

There is definitely an upside to you both having more independence, are there house shares available?

AprilBunny · 22/04/2025 07:44

If it was me I wouldn’t consider the move for another five or so years.

TheAmusedQuail · 22/04/2025 07:44

He's 20, an adult. He has a choice. Move with you or stay where he is.

Of course, he could stay and when/if he finds it's too hard/too expensive/doesn't want to be independent, he could move later. IF you still wanted him to.

BabyOrca · 22/04/2025 07:49

What am I reading. Some of you are clearly the reason why we've got a cohort of kids who aren't even able to make a phone call without a nervous breakdown.

OP: move. He's a 20 year old working man not a boy. There are men his age with kids, men his age fighting wars. He can handle a 300 mile move if he's really that desperate to still have his mum do his laundry for him.

brunettenorthern91 · 22/04/2025 07:52

I think you should move.

He knows he has the safety net of moving with you if he needs to and that also shows him you’d like him to move with you if he’d want to. Perhaps he needs to come visit and see the place for himself.

Has he got relatives or anyone close in the area you’re leaving him in? It’s not easy but he could easily meet someone in the next few years and move away or settle down in the area to be with them and start his young adult life and you’ve missed a chance. Not nice for him, but not cruel either.

mamajong · 22/04/2025 07:54

You have offered to move with you and there is room for him. Keep that door open in case he can't manage on his own. Absolutely support him with the transition but you cannot put your plans on hold for adult children imo

tilypu · 22/04/2025 07:58

I wouldn’t want to be 300 miles from my child under any circumstances

Really? So say your child decided to go to university 300 miles from where you live, would you move to be closer to them?

Testingmypatience1 · 22/04/2025 07:58

BabyOrca · 22/04/2025 07:49

What am I reading. Some of you are clearly the reason why we've got a cohort of kids who aren't even able to make a phone call without a nervous breakdown.

OP: move. He's a 20 year old working man not a boy. There are men his age with kids, men his age fighting wars. He can handle a 300 mile move if he's really that desperate to still have his mum do his laundry for him.

What a dismissive post, I’m sure she doesn’t do his laundry now.

It’s not about laundry, it’s about the relationship. Moving so far away will absolutely impact their relationship, perhaps indefinitely. You may not care where your dc are, whether you see them or not, the relationship to you might be entirely irrelevant the minute they reach adulthood, if you are like this in real life. Fighting wars, working and raising children can all be done within a close family network.

Choosing to move so far away when he is so young isn’t in his best interests, clearly. No parent is obliged to want a close connection with their adult children, but most do. That is what is at stake here. It’s up to op.

No doubt he will survive but that is a very low bar isn’t it.

RickiRaccoon · 22/04/2025 07:59

He's 2 years into adulthood. I know housing is expensive for young people now but you can't put your life on hold for adult offspring. I have a friend that was given the choice when her mother moved when she was 18y. It turned out well for her. Her older brother stayed and worked where he was and he did fine too. Your son will be fine no matter what happens.

BabyOrca · 22/04/2025 07:59

Testingmypatience1 · 22/04/2025 07:58

What a dismissive post, I’m sure she doesn’t do his laundry now.

It’s not about laundry, it’s about the relationship. Moving so far away will absolutely impact their relationship, perhaps indefinitely. You may not care where your dc are, whether you see them or not, the relationship to you might be entirely irrelevant the minute they reach adulthood, if you are like this in real life. Fighting wars, working and raising children can all be done within a close family network.

Choosing to move so far away when he is so young isn’t in his best interests, clearly. No parent is obliged to want a close connection with their adult children, but most do. That is what is at stake here. It’s up to op.

No doubt he will survive but that is a very low bar isn’t it.

Show quote history

Did you miss the part where she said she bought a property specifically so he could move with her?