Moving away aibu

[mumguilt1978]

I have an opportunity to move 300 miles giving me a much better work life balance, better pay and future opportunities. My ds is almost 20 and refusing to come, which is fine but he is making me feel very guilty.
I have purchased a property that enables him to live with me, but now the move is imminent I’m starting to wonder am I being really unreasonable asking a 20 year old to move or expecting them to get a place and start adulting if they don’t comply?
He has a job but nothing special or non transferable. He could just about pay his way if he stays and increases his hours. Could come and get a similar job.
So I guess AIBU to move away from a 20 year old that has chosen not to come?

Ha! Well they spend over half of the year at home. Hardly the same.

WTH ? She's hardly abandoning him if he has the option to go. If he chooses not to that is up to him as an adult but what you are suggesting is basically being blackmailed to stay by another adult.

What 20 year old is seriously going to want to move so far away from all of their friends and the life they have for a room in their mother’s new house 300 miles away? It was never going to work.

It’ll be a good experience for him to be independent. If he finds it harder than he expects, he can land at your new place- that needn’t be permanent either, unless he finds he likes your new town when he lives there.

It’s a low risk way of him finding his own path. Look at it similarly to him moving away for uni- you’ll still be in touch and see each other, it’s not as if you’re moving to the other side of the world.

I saw something very similar here recently. I can’t remember the thread title, sorry.

The parent moved and the adult child stayed and had a go at living independently. They quickly decided to take up their mum’s offer and join her.

As you will have space for them, you are definitely not abandoning them. They might flourish on their own or might need to move to live with you. Either way the experience will be good for them

Not always! And sometimes they make the move a permanent one.

Not all of them do. My DS has spent his uni holidays working (both in uni town and abroad) or travelling. Not running home every holiday

I would start looking on Spareroom for him to show him the options of where he could live if he stayed behind. I would make the move. What happens if you are still in this position with him in 5 years time? 8 or 10? You cannot put your life on hold for him.

@Testingmypatience1 lots of Ds's friends have stayed behind in their uni accommodation rather than going home over holidays. It depends how fun being at home is, how much there is to do etc. I never went home in holidays instead choosing to stay with my boyfriend at his parent's beautiful house in the countryside. Home was a 5 hour train ride away from uni so no weekend visits either.

This man is 20. This may help him toward independence and if it all goes pear he has a home with his parent albeit in another place. She hasn't bought a one bed, there is room for him there.

I can see why so many young people end up homeless, in a life of crime, drop outs when you read this thread. Parenting doesn’t automatically stop when the clock strikes midnight and they are eighteen.

In reality, young people do need a lot of support and guidance to launch successfully. It is not their fault, the cost of living is sky high, jobs are often temporary and lack security, housing is scarce and there is very little chance they will manage well on a low income with limited prospects.

What qualifications does he have to secure better employment op? What are his options? Can he train into a professional role so he is able to fully support himself? Have you shown him how to manage key life skills such as cooking? Budgeting? Life admin? Can he drive so he is able to visit you? Long distance travel is extortionate.

All of these things are worth considering in detail.

So get your own place then like a grown up 🤷‍♀️

Surely if he's got a good friend network he's more likely to know someone that knows someone looking for flatmates? If not then there's room at his mum's new place as a back up.

Honestly the birth rate is low enough as it is without expecting mums to put themselves second indefinitely.

I really don't get the attitude that a 20 year old is a child and must be looked after and nurtured as such. At 20 years old he is a grown man with all the legal rights and responsibilities that come with being an adult.
I am honestly shocked at those saying that he is still a child and his mum should continue to be unhappy where she is so that he can play with his friends. I would love to know at what age do you think a child becomes an adult? Do you think your children should stay with you until you are ready to let them go?
I remember that a lot of families used to have that weird uncle that still lived with their mum into their 50s. (Think Timothy in Sorry) The excuse used to be that they hadn't met a nice girl yet (actually their mum had sabotaged every relationship they had) or that they couldn't manage to live on their own. Are we going back to that?
OP, you have already purchased the new house so it's not really up for negotiation. I hope you have a lovely new life.

I wonder how that poster would cope if like my nephew her DC moved over 3000 miles away to study. Move to where her DC is? But then what happens if there are more than one DC and they both move a long distance from her if different directions.

Thank you to everyone that’s responded. A mixed set of responses which I guess is why I’m now feeling so torn in my decision. Parenting is hard.
DS’s job is decent but for more hours and better pay they’d need to get a different position anyway which they could relocate to do at some point independent of my position.
He drives and has a car. Does his own washing. Buys and prepares his own food for the most part. Is a bit unreliable with money but we’re working on that.
I am not abandoning a child. I have done my part in teaching him how to live independently it’s just that my decision is forcing the issue of him having to be fully independent. He comes and goes as he please and I often don’t see much of him. Hence my initial thought that it’s time to put me first. But as it’s getting closer the guilt is getting bigger.
Actually buying a bigger house to accommodate guests as well as ds so he’s definitely never going to be homeless unless it’s by his choice. He will always be welcome. And I will always make an effort to stay in contact and arrange visits.
I am also prepared to pay deposits on properties help, short term with rent, be a guarantor etc etc

It sounds like you have laid the ground well for him: it probably feels a bit scary for him to take this next step to more independent living but it will do him good to give it a try at least.

The dilemma is that if you decide to stay for your DS, what happens when he decides in a few months/years that’s he’s actually ready to live alone if a friend asks him to house share or he meets a partner etc and then you’re passed up an opportunity for nothing.

You have the right to make this decision for your own reasons. Let DS know that he is welcome and wanted in your new home but you understand that he needs to make the decision about what he’d like to do for himself.

Abandoning him 🤣. He's 20, not 2. How long does everything have to revolve round your child? 21 years? 25? 30?!

OP, you sound like a fantastic mum. You’re offering more help to your son than a lot of children get.

He’ll be fine or he will come live with you and try again if it goes wrong somehow.

Enjoy your new adventure!

He’s old enough to choose and make his own life. Plenty of people move away from their parents at 18 and never move back - you pretty much have to where I’m from because there’s a lack of professional jobs here.

He is an adult. He is not being abandoned. He has a room if he wants it, and clearly had plenty of time to make alternative arrangements if he did not want to move away.

DH and I plan to move to the other side of the country when DS finishes university (ages away). We’ll buy a 2 bed so he always has a room. I can’t see a problem with it.

I wonder how many posters on this thread have kids who are 20 years old, in lowly paid jobs who have moved out into a shared house. I'm not talking about going to university, that's a totally different ball park and not remotely comparable.

My guess is not many, because when they get there a twenty year old is still a fledging in most cases. Most are at university and still have a great deal of scaffolding.

The parents on here that have pulled away at such a young age tend to be the ones that still believe in the school of hard knocks.

Op maybe he is ready in a practical sense but not ready emotionally. If he was he would have no issue with you moving away. There is one thing being able to wash, cook and drive and quite another being completely alone without your parent hours and hours away. Maybe he is worried about being isolated, feels afraid to be facing this situation so soon. He may not be able to verbalise his fears or be embarrassed to do so.

You probably need to talk to him in more detail and find out more before making a decision.

Not many would be my guess.

If moving doesn’t take him away from a promising career path, then I don’t think you are wrong to move and suggest he come with you.