Moving away aibu

[mumguilt1978]

I have an opportunity to move 300 miles giving me a much better work life balance, better pay and future opportunities. My ds is almost 20 and refusing to come, which is fine but he is making me feel very guilty.
I have purchased a property that enables him to live with me, but now the move is imminent I’m starting to wonder am I being really unreasonable asking a 20 year old to move or expecting them to get a place and start adulting if they don’t comply?
He has a job but nothing special or non transferable. He could just about pay his way if he stays and increases his hours. Could come and get a similar job.
So I guess AIBU to move away from a 20 year old that has chosen not to come?

I am moving away next year when my 18yr old goes to uni. I have stayed in the very expensive South East where I can’t afford to buy for many years so my DC could stay at their excellent school. DD could stay with her older brother and his GF if she really wanted to (in holidays or if she chooses a London Uni) but she knows I am going. I can’t wait another few years as i’m 50 next year and not even started a mortgage. Her father is moving overseas, and he doesn’t feel guilty so neither will I. My DD fully understands and i’m sure she will enjoy the new location. 20 is old enough, sometimes we need to take selfish decisions.

Do it and don’t feel guilty.

He's an adult. You've done your bit, go live your life.

He doesn't have to though. He's able to move with his mother.

Oh that is tricky - do you have any links at all with the new area? I can see why he would be reluctant to leave friends if they are all still at home and he has no easy route into new friendships

although 20 should be old enough to stand up on their own two feet (and I am convinced some boys stay at home till they marry and hope to get a mummy replacement in the process ) but if you are in an expensive area you are forcing him to take a bid shift down in living quality if he stays

it’s odd - if he was 14 I would be “ yes of course just move him” and if he was 30 I would be “ good grief “

Where I live, a non posh area of South East England, a rented room in a HOMO costs about £850/£850 per month. I’m guessing the OP’s DS earns about £1500 per month. I don’t think that’s a great life for a just 20 year old. There’s not much spare money to save or go on holidays. I’m surprised so many people are encouraging the OP to move.

How often do you think you will see him once you have moved?

How is a 19/20 year old going to afford to pay bills and live alone?

You can’t compare kids going off to university to this.

Many children are returning home after uni as they can’t afford to get on the property ladder. Living at home at 20 is quite usual nowadays

Plenty of 18 year old move away for Uni, I think I would try one last time to sell it to him that way- that it will be exciting, opportunity to meet new people, find out what the nightlife is like and sell it to him that way.
If he wants to stay though I think he is old enough to find a house share. A lot of people have done that at his age.
It’s a new start for you both either way, I wouldn’t let this opportunity slip through your fingers, it might not come around again.
Either way in the next few years your son will build a new life for himself - you need something for you too.

My aunt did after her eldest moved permanently to her university town

@Fgdvevfvdvfbdv moving away to uni is in most cases not really moving away. DS is at uni in 2nd year. He is currently 200 miles away. He finishes this year in a couple of weeks time and will be back home until September. So I don’t class him as moved away

I have friends who still live at home in their 30s because the monthly bills would swallow up their entire wages.

I guess this is where different experiences play a part - almost everyone I know who moved away for Uni stayed in their uni town and never came back after finishing their degrees.

I know someone who did this and her relationship with her children has never recovered

Thank you everyone. I guess everyone has their own take and experiences. It is very difficult and while having other people’s input is useful to see that I am neither being reasonable or unreasonable I guess I just have to get on with it now.
20 is a difficult age old enough to be independent but practically independence is hard. I had left home by 18 and have never returned but I guess times are different. I think he needs the opportunity to succeed by himself with the safety net of a home to go to if needed. Won’t stop me feeling a bit guilty though for a while.

My DS is 3rd year. Think he spent the grand total of 4 weeks at home in holidays since he started

Did she only have the one DC? Can't see how it would work with more

House share like many do I suppose. Single room all bills included is £6)700 ( we are in South East)

Full time minimum wage job would cover hjat

@Fgdvevfvdvfbdv when was that when everyone stayed in their uni town?

@FedupofArsenalgame DS has a job that he does in his home town during the holidays.

Many students are struggling to find jobs either at home or in their uni town. Many graduates are also struggling to get jobs

@FedupofArsenalgame 20yo don’t get full minimum wage

See my DS has a job in his uni town. And worked abroad one summer and a bit of travelling in Thailand the next one. He's also renting a flat with his girlfriend rather than in student accomodation

While I see your point, I can also see an argument for the son to accompany his mother in the move if he’s facing that sort of obstacle. Otherwise at what age does she get to live her life, rather than arranging her life to suit him? Most of us do that gladly for our dc while they’re children, but at some point we might need to do our own thing.

There are posters saying that it’s becoming normal for 30yo to still live with their parents; if so, I would argue that there is a time when the child needs to accommodate the parent- eg move with them if they want to stay living with them. The OP wants to take a great opportunity for her- probably enhancing her working life and her pension. Should she really turn that down now?

Even doable on full time at the £10 an hour Don't know anywhere that does pay that low tbh Even McDonald's pay about the minimum wage on younger ones. My DS was getting £10.50 an hour at 17 (. 4 years ago)

@AlertCatthats the thing that worries me. He could leave in 6 months or a year and I’ll have missed an opportunity. Or he could still be here when he’s 30 and I’ll give another 10 years to parenting.
I acknowledge this is harsh but an opportunity has arisen and no one knows the future. I’m sure life was simpler in the past when young adults were just expected to leave home and fend for themselves.