Men talking at me

[Kellybonita]

A new male colleague has just started in my Job.

He has this way of talking AT women. For example, me , my boss another woman and him went for a coffee. My boss invited him then my boss had to leave early. So we were sitting with him. He will start telling a story about his life, and he will go on and on and on. And not even involve us in the conversation. He will talk at us, and not pause for a second.

To get a word in, is really hard. I will try to interrupt his stream of talk, but he will keep talking on over me. I've become so irritated that if it is me and another woman and him sitting there now, and he is talking on and on about himself, I will just turn to the woman and ask her something completely different. And then the two of us have our own chat. That does get him to stop

I realised i know a lot of men like this at work. They just talk on and on AT women. They expect us to just sit there listening to them.

Do you know men like that? How do you deal with them?

Back to the point, there’s a bloke in my local who corners you and just talks at you. He’ll think of a common ground (how’s the dog for instance) and then you’re trapped, he barely comes up for air. The subject will change but nothing you say holds any weight. For what it’s worth a woman has never cornered me like that.

I haven't been on AIBU for ages until this week and had forgotten how quickly slanging matches break out and how easy it is to get into arguments with strangers on the internet!

On this thread, it's interesting how many of the posts are attacks on OP for apparently misunderstanding the nature of AIBU or supposedly placing undue blame on men, but at the same time, around 75% of voters say that she isn't actually being unreasonable. There is also wider evidence that overall, men do tend to dominate meetings.

So, I think there's actually a valid point in here, regardless of how it's phrased.

I suspect, as with some other workplace issues, the problem is actually the same small % of men with voices and confidence that vastly outweigh their competence and emotional intelligence.

I know a female who does this. I just go quiet until she finally realises she’s endlessly just talking about herself.

YABU

Women do this too.!!

In fact I have some friends that might as well go for a coffee on their own and talk to the wall, they never let me get a word in edge ways.

Yes the men that do that (again not all men) talk to you like you are worth nothing. And they go on and on and on. It's a sense of inflated self importance. They think that what you say doesn't matter at all.

Its horrible when it happens isn't it.

The worst offender at my work talks about the most boring things, that no one wants to hear about. On and on and on. If women try to interrupt him, he just talks over them. No one likes getting stuck with him

Well now you have learnt that it isnt just men who do this. Its like that in your workplace (maybe the men are actually trying to compete over each having to try and get the words in first) but not all workplaces. I'm another one who sees this more from the women I work with rather than the men.

"Learnt" lol.

You think thatI didn't know that in the entire world of billions of people, that there are some women somewhere, that talk over other people.

Of course that happens.

However in my experience, it has been men that do it.

Also as other posters have pointed out, there have been studies carried out which show that men tend to dominate meetings in the workplace, and talk over people.

Example of one = all men

I used to make the mistake with this sort of person of pretending to pay attention. But you can look as bored as you like and they won't notice!

And yet I talked about more than one man doing this, didn't I?

Its always good to read the thread

Yes you thought it was predominantly men who did this but you are on here to gauge other people's experiences and a lot are telling you plenty women do it too. That's all.

The worst man at my work, talks about the most boring things. So for me to interrupt and even comment on what he is saying, I
have to talk about the most boring thing that I'm not interested in , in the slightest.

The other women that I work with feel the same about him. They hate talking to him

If I'm with him and he starts droning on on some topic about his life, I now just completely change the subject to something else

Incredibly annoying. I might pop in for 30 minutes peace and quiet and it’s taken up by a bloke, who’s not a mate, talking at me. Infuriating.

I once telephoned a company to make a complaint, a woman took my call, and proceeded to talk over me, while I was telling her why I was annoyed. BIG mistake! I interrupted her by saying 'Excuse me', then 'Excuse me' again, but louder, followed by an even louder 'Excuse me', at which point she finally paused for breath, and I told her that if she continued to talk over me so rudely, I would be speaking to her boss, as when someone rings up to complain, you really DO NEED TO LISTEN!! At first she even tried to deny that she'd been talking over me, so at that point I asked to be put through to senior management, she was VERY apologetic, but too late! I insisted I be put through, explained the situation, and suggested that they speak with their staff about not only their approach to a customer complaint, but also about speaking over people. Needless to say her boss was furious.

Surprised at the pile on!!
I agree with @RatherOutdated and it is a known phenomena re men dominating the conversation esp in the workplace. I do also know women that can do this.
I worked for many years in a male dominated industry (construction & development) When men were like this I had a couple of strategies: for the extreme mansplainers, I would simply listen to them, stone-faced, and make absolutely no response, no smiling, no nodding, no “yes, I see, but”. Eventually, like a wind up toy, they would run out of steam. I would then say “ are you finished?” That sometimes worked, although in their dim witted brains, not always, and they would start again.
The other approach, and this is sort of what you did, let them talk, say nothing at all, start talking to someone else, or leave the room.
If you watch PMs questions or similar, you will note the rhetorical strategies at play. A very common tactic, when interupted is to say “ May I finish [please or maybe not please] although that is somewhat different to what you are describing - eg being interrupted by a mansplainer vs listening to one drone on.
Be aware of you unconscious (female) tendency to be agreeable, to smile and nod, make little affirmations that you may not be aware of. These are conditioned into most females. In my long experience working in a male-dominated environment, a good poker face is your friend.
Re PPs comments : “non illegitimati carborundum “ - don’t let the bastards grind you down. Good luck!

I was just thinking , my friend told me that she has a brother like this.

After he has a few drinks, he starts droning on about his specialist "interest" topic which is a heavy metal band. He will talk about their different eras in the 70s and 80s. And how they were with different members.

My friend told me that when they are all at the pub, that when he starts on the topicn at all of her male friends will tell him to fuck off and tell him that he's a boring bastard.

He then goes and lands himself beside his younger brothers girlfriend , and he drones on about this band. She doesn't know how to get away from him and she is too polite to tell him to fuck off

My young adult son does this but instead of talking about himself, he talks about current affairs or history. He has ADHD to excuse it slightly though! I just interrupt him!

Lucky you.
If I asked to be put through to senior management I’d probably be cut off

The worst culprit in my team is a woman. Every time we have a meeting she starts some long 15 minute monologue. We all have to sit there as if we're in awe of her wisdom. There are plenty of other women in my team who dominate too.
I think many men are more self aware these days and try not to talk over women, because of how it appears (even when they want to!).

Working as an architect which obviously is very male dominated ( I’m now late 50s ) I can definitely say I haven’t ever worked with men like this.
With the exception of having to listen to clients about what they want, which is fare enough.

Maybe they are all scared of me 🤷‍♀️

Yep, not only men. Lots of women do this too

Yes, I think we have established that.

Sounds like you've hit on a good technique with starting a conversation with a woman. Or you could get up and go to get another coffee without a word and if he says anything, say "Well, it didn't seem like you needed me!". Or if he asks why you didn't offer him a coffee say cheerily that that would have involved being able to get a word in.

I'd be tempted to get a cardboard cutout of a woman (or, you know, a photo of one, or a Barbie) and prop it up opposite him and walk away. When he queries it tell him you thought he'd be happier with a woman to talk at who never talks back. Bluntness is the only thing that works with this type.

TBF I worked with relatively few boring mansplainers. I think it is a trait that is unlikely to get you promoted to a senior level. It was usually either clients or people I had to negotiate with that could be like this.

I suspect that this chap who sounds pretty unpleasant company given him dominating conversations (very similar to my colleague actually (a woman dare I say it), would nevertheless still be infinitely more pleasant company than this OP