To think you are NOT a good dad?

[BobbyDazzler11]

Met with a friend over the weekend who's 1YO is awake a lot in the night. Her DP doesn't get up for any wakes as she said he believes 'it's her issue to sort' . He has always just left her to it.

He does no other care type responsibilities. Just the fun stuff. She plans to have multiple more children with him.

I am honestly sick of hearing of these lazy men. Then they take their child/children to the park for an hour and believe they are father of the year????

So AIBU to think you are NOT a good dad if you don't do all of the following...

• pitch in for night wakes
• making breakfasts/lunches/dinners
• do self care for the children inc teeth brushing/ nails cut etc
• look after your children with ridiculous amount of instruction and prep from the mum!

I can't imagine as a mother just opting out of these things?????

It sort of depends who's at work etc.

In the week DH didn't do the night wakes because he had to be up at 6.30 to get to work & i was still on mat leave. I just napped with the baby in the day. If both parents are happy with it it isn't necessarily a problem.

I also slightly disagree with the night wake one if the mum is home the next day whereas dad goes to work. There are so many women on here who make a martyr of themselves saying about all they do, when actually there can be time for down time during the day.

But what is essential for you isn't for others. I have a standard for my husband and others will be different. I don't really understand how it's anyone elses business. Just give her your opinion if she asks for it and let her get on with it.

Like others have said there are other factors. My husand starts work at 5am so no way would I want him dealing with night wake ups.

And in fairness, I know a fair few lazy deadbeat Mum's where it's the Dad who steps up.

Oh and when i was on mat leave, DH wasn't often home until 7pm so tended to miss bath & teeth brushing etc. When i went back to work things shifted because he did all the morning drop offs, so he did everything then.

My DP didn't do nights in the week when I was on mat but we took one night off each at the weekend to rest. My friend seemed sick she was so exhausted and the conversation came up when I said how we use to take one night off each but her DP won't pitch in!

Depends what else they do, surely? I would find it really strange for one partner to be exhausted and struggling and the other not to help, but what that help looks like depends on the people involved and their skillset. Do you think that mothers should help with father’s workload too? Regardless of what you read, most adults can care for an infant fairly independently and don’t need rescuing endlessly. In extreme circumstances? Perhaps, but a sleepless baby is not really that situation.

If he is just sat watching TV, playing games, on his phone etc then I agree that is poor for him to not take the baby and pitch in.

If however he is doing other jobs then I guess it becomes an issue of her saying I need a break from the baby, I will do xyz instead.

I don't think it's fair when the father is sleeping peacefully every night, they both work but mother is up and struggling. Then doing ALL care.

Father just gets the fun parts?!

6:30 isn’t a particularly early start and mat leave is still work.

Sleep is a basic human need. It is an extreme situation if you are chronically sleep deprived by a sleepless baby. Studies have shown that has a huge impact on people's physical and mental health. I think we all fundamentally understand this if we are talking about a noisy neighbour etc, yet once again all regular rules for humans are meant to go out of the window once a woman becomes a mother.

Also, what is the father's 'workload' when it comes to the family?

I have always woken up at 6:30 or earlier for the whole of my adult life. This is a totally standard time to wake up.

My DH never did any of what you've listed. Maybe the occasional morning on a weekend. He's a great dad.

Does it make me a lazy mum because my husband actively did 80% of everything you’ve listed above? I worked full time in a corporate setting, husband self employed so it was easier for him to do the bulk during the week.

06:30 is early to wake up if you've had to get up through the night and that's her whole point...

My OH done at least 1 night waking while I was on mat leave, even tho he had work the next day. I kinda don’t buy into this whole thing of the parent who’s out at work gets to opt out of night wakings, unless your job is massively physical and needs concentration. You’re a team, especially in the early newborn days and you need to share the load.

Totally with you, @BobbyDazzler11. Having a job, or a penis, doesn't mean you get a pass on the sleep deprivation that comes from having a small child.

I'm a SAHM and my wife works, so I have always done night wakes during the week, but whenever our daughter woke for the day before 5am (as she often did pre-2), my wife would take her from 5am and let me sleep until she had to leave for work. And at weekends I would get epic lie-ins to make up for my sleep deprivation during the week.

Circumstances.

DH doesn't do night wakes through the week even though we both work (me three days). I WFH two of my three days. He's on site all five working days, sometimes on a Saturday morning too. He works an hour's drive away.

I can't let him drive a 2 hour round trip having been up half the night. It's not safe and it's more important that he gets back to us safely than "pulls his weight" during the night.

He will do Friday/Saturday nights if needed and he's not on overtime. If we've had a ridiculous run of broken nights he will tell me to stay put occasionally and do the odd weekday. But in the grand scheme of our lives, that's my job for good reason.

He does the rest of your list, but for other people, circumstances may mean one of them doesn't, without it making them a bad parent.

Were you struggling/exhausted and he just sat back and did nothing to help?

can you leave the house and he would know what to do to take care of the children?

This is pretty similar to us and not what I mean. Maybe I should have expanded.

I am talking about men who refuse to do these things when there are no circumstances preventing and the mother needs/wants help.

I agree with you and don't understand the argument that if you work full time you can opt out of being a parent. What happens when Mum goes to work, the child gets ignored at night, doesn't get fed, basic hygiene is ignored? Working in a standard full time job in this country as an employee leaves plenty of hours to parent your DC.

Totally agree - my dh helped out in the week too. He didn’t make a big drama out of needing to work as he understood mat leave wasn’t exactly a bed of roses (and naps!) for me either.

I completely agree with you OP. Even a Dad who's an air traffic controller could get up an hour early and thats a job at the extreme end of the scale. IRL I don't know one Dad of my generation who was still getting a full night's sleep with a newborn.

I get some people find it easier than others...if you can make a comment like 'nap when baby naps in the day' you likely had a pretty easy baby. I'll admit I'm biased as my baby was a rubbish sleeper and I didn't cope well. But if my DH hadn't stepped up and done his share I'd still resent him 10 years on. What sort of partner sees someone they love struggle and just ignores it.

At the time we were just getting through day to day, but now I also realise that this was also bonding time for DH. Even as a baby DS was equally happy with me or DH. I don't really recognise the primary care giver thing that comes up on here. Maybe that was a bit more standard in previous generations. I would be so disappointed if my son grew up to be a partner like this.

@BobbyDazzler11 if there are no circumstances as to why either parent isn’t pulling their weight (as it isn’t always dads) then surely the question for the partner picking up all the slack is why stay with someone who is that lazy?

Yet the mother has to do it too?

In fairness, why is mum allowing this? I never would have. And not just for myself. I wouldn't want DD to think it was all on her and if I had a son I'd want him to know that dad's should be as involved.

The mum needs to be telling the dad that he's not pulling his weight and to step up. DH knows I wouldn't have allowed this, even if that's who he was.