To think you are NOT a good dad?

[BobbyDazzler11]

Met with a friend over the weekend who's 1YO is awake a lot in the night. Her DP doesn't get up for any wakes as she said he believes 'it's her issue to sort' . He has always just left her to it.

He does no other care type responsibilities. Just the fun stuff. She plans to have multiple more children with him.

I am honestly sick of hearing of these lazy men. Then they take their child/children to the park for an hour and believe they are father of the year????

So AIBU to think you are NOT a good dad if you don't do all of the following...

• pitch in for night wakes
• making breakfasts/lunches/dinners
• do self care for the children inc teeth brushing/ nails cut etc
• look after your children with ridiculous amount of instruction and prep from the mum!

I can't imagine as a mother just opting out of these things?????

My husband and I have always shared the night wakes despite him working and me being a SAHM. Why should I have no sleep when I am also working all day looking after our child. He has never even questioned this. He also does all of the above you have listed OP and our children are equally well looked after by both of us. Your friends husband sounds awful

Right so whilst he's out of the house for 12 hours a day he is also sat on his arse watching me. Makes sense.

I agree completely. My post was in response to another poster who suggested that their partner shouldn't have to get involved with the night wakings because they woke up at 6:30am for work I was merely point out that this isn't a particularly early wake up time and certainly doesn't excuse anyone from pulling their weight at night.

@IButtleSir i said useless, not abandon. And yes there are lots of useless mothers. I had one! I personally just hate the narrative of it’s always the dads fault. A lot of wormen don’t help themselves, for which there is no excuse!

She wasn't. Thats the whole point. Shes asked for help and he said it's her problem.

She is also just back to work.

Erm, I had maternity leaves and was a SAHM apart from one shift a week, so I don’t need a moment to ponder it thanks, I lived it. And my ex didn’t earn much money in all the hours he worked either, so I can can see the value of having a partner who does provide well financially even if they don’t do much baby care.

I agree that a partner should help out at weekends, but I object to fathers being called shit fathers when they are making a massive contribution to the family. No one calls mothers shit mothers if they only do the caring part and not the providing part, so why is it different the other way around?

He works all weekend too does he?

The cognitive dissonance on this thread is crazy. People going to great lengths to justify why their clearly lazy and inconsiderate partners are actually great dads. Other women are suggesting it's not good enough because they have partners that do more. They work difficult, hard jobs and do their share at home and with the kids.

It's not always the dad who's the useless parent. It's just significantly more likely to be the dad who's the useless parent. And since abandoning your children is pretty much the most useless thing you can do as a parent, the difference between the number of women who abandon their children and the number of men who abandon their children is entirely relevant here.

Often he works a Saturday, yes. Shouldn't he get a day off after that working week?

Even when he does get a day off he doesn't lounge around. He's outside power washing or gardening. He cleans the car. He does any and all diy in our home. We go on days out.

The fact that you seem to think men just want to sit around on their arse means you clearly haven't met someone who does the opposite.

I agree OP. One parent should be able to go off at the drop of a hat and the other parent should just be able to carry on as they know their child's routine, what they eat, what they enjoy. And when they're older, who their friends are, when their homework is due, what clubs they go to and when, what they're wearing to whichever 'day' is happening at school etc

I never said men want to sit around on their arse doing nothing. In fact I said the opposite. Lots of men (and women) work work very long hours and contribute at home too. Importantly they want to spend time with their kids and get involved with the work required to keep them healthy and happy.

Your husband doesn't sound the great catch you think he is. There are literally memes about men doing yard work etc to get out of childcare responsibilities

@IButtleSir the difference is 20%. 6 % of mothers vs 26% of fathers are estranged from their children. And yes that’s higher, but still 75% of fathers are active (so most are not as useless as people make them out to be on MN) and present as are 94% of mothers!

What was there relationship like before? Who did all the jobs then?

Did he actually want a child? Or was she someone who hoped he would change once the baby was here?

I agree. I do most of the night wakings during the week as my husband works and I don’t but he will often offer to help if he knows I’m tired if baby is teething/sick. He also does Friday night so I can have a lay in on Saturday.

I can leave the house knowing my husband is fully capable of feeding and looking after baby without being spoonfed instructions.

Some your bars are very low. Why should Dads only do the fun stuff?

I don't think it matters if the mother or the father is doing the caring part, the caring part is the whole point of having a baby unless you prefer to outsource that. I think it's fine (not great) if the other parent doesn't do anything during the week, but it's not ok if they never do anything. What is the point if all you're doing is a financial contribution? It's the difference between a 24/7 job vs 40 hour job (I'd give much more credit if the person was working longer hours that that as I'm sure many do), life remains the same for that person, or probably better if they are now off the hook for any household or childcare duties. Being a SAHM is relentless with young kids if you never get a break.

I know! I laughed at that post. I used to have to get up at 6 for work after my second mat leave and my DC2 was still regularly waking in the night. I couldn't just refuse to ever settle him in the night could I? I don't know what people expect to happen once mum returns to work? And how will baby settle with dad then if they've had 9-12 months of only ever being settled by mum in the night? But that's the plan for these men, isn't it? Mum then returns to work and it becomes "oh but baby won't settle for me" and still somehow mum's job! Ridiculous.

Thank you for proving my point. 74% of men have contact with their children, compared to 94% of women. Meaning that, of the parents who DON'T have contact with their children, 81.25% are men.

That's a hugely significant difference, before you even investigate what respective percentages of those fathers and mothers who DO have contact with their children take an active role in actually parenting their children.

If you paid someone to be a SAHM to a baby you'd need to pay for a day nanny and a night nanny. It's basically two jobs. So in your scenario the husband is doing one job with long hours, the other parent is doing two jobs with zero break. It's simple economics - it's not a fair split.

What should happen, if you want equality, is that both partners do 40-hours a week (or whatever the out of the house work time is of the working parent). So one does 40 hours of paid work, one does those same 40 hours of childcare - then everything outside of those hours is split evenly. You need everyone to pitch in equally.

As I said, both me and DH are high earners/high pressure jobs and we both split parental leave. We do 50/50 of childcare outside of our working hours.

And I don't think he's amazing - I just think that's equal. How every parent should be

Because when the man doesn't do his share at home, the woman is effectively working 24 7 ie 168 hours a week, 365 days a year. The man is likely working 40 hours a week with 5 weeks off a year.

Also it's possible to work full time and be a completely involved parent at evenings and weekends. Both my husband and I do it. Because we signed up to become parents. I can't imagine opting out of parenting for evenings or entire days of weekends or not spending the vast majority of annual leave with my children because I 'need a rest' from work. I miss my children I'd I've been away on a work trip for example and want to care for them and do things with them...because that's what being a parent is. Not 'helping'

My husband isn't a good dad by these standards..

@Katemax82 and how do you feel about him not doing these tasks? Is there a valid reason he can't and doesn't?

But equally, when both parents work, mum still regularly (not in my house but I see it with my friends) is also doing the majority of the caring.

Is dad still great just for providing? They're both providing, mum is just never stopping work.

Work alarms go off at 5.20 here because of what time work starts. 6.30 would be a lovely lie in.

This morning I woke up at 6 and got up to get stuff done before DD got up, which turned out to be 25 minutes later.

I still have to re-settle the three year old most nights, cos of DHs travel to/from site and I WFH mostly. But DH does weekends and and the odd weeknight if she gets up. Cos it's important I get sleep.

Well bonkers for you but other people do have different likes and dislikes and skillsets. For example the pipe in our septic tank is blocked, so today dh is taking a long stick and unblocking the “solid”🤢, I’d rather paint the skirting board in the hall as I don’t have his gammy knee and can watch the children while he deals with the stink. Similarly I’d rather get up at night than do many of the things he does (including making me coffee in bed every morning). The issue really isn’t who does what it’s if it is a comfortable balance for all.

I get it, you've been raised to believe that the only thing you can do with your life is serve a man, and you recieve praise from those around you for doing so. But it isn't a healthy dynamic.