To think you are NOT a good dad?

[BobbyDazzler11]

Met with a friend over the weekend who's 1YO is awake a lot in the night. Her DP doesn't get up for any wakes as she said he believes 'it's her issue to sort' . He has always just left her to it.

He does no other care type responsibilities. Just the fun stuff. She plans to have multiple more children with him.

I am honestly sick of hearing of these lazy men. Then they take their child/children to the park for an hour and believe they are father of the year????

So AIBU to think you are NOT a good dad if you don't do all of the following...

• pitch in for night wakes
• making breakfasts/lunches/dinners
• do self care for the children inc teeth brushing/ nails cut etc
• look after your children with ridiculous amount of instruction and prep from the mum!

I can't imagine as a mother just opting out of these things?????

Oh I’m confused 😂 you know why - I’ve been up since 6:20.

Well it wouldn't do for me. But unless your friend lacks capacity, or is otherwise vulnerable, given her stated intention to have other children with him, one assumes it does for her. She may be getting other benefits from the situation that you're not aware of, and believe the lack of input into childcare is a price worth paying. She may actually prefer to do it all.

Regardless, I'm not sure how much of the grunt work he does is the criteria for assessing how good a dad he is. Otherwise we'd have to conclude there was a sliding scale for good parenting based on how much you outsource. With the SAHP being the pinnacle of excellence and a parent with a full time nanny being poor at the role. If his children were being neglected then he would be a poor father, but an arrangement where he does fun things and their mother does the chores, isn't bad parenting, though if not mutually agreed, makes him a bad partner.

What a load of rubbish. My children would have at least 10 people who would care for them.

Traditional set ups work just fine.

You quite obviously think you know everything, but actually know very little.

why would either a mum or dad put up with the other parent not pulling their weight.

Lots of reasons: because they don't want to split up their family, because they don't trust the other parent to look after the kids properly if they share custody, because the thought of being a single parent is more terrifying than having a useless partner, because of finances.

Put the blame where it belongs: on the partner (almost always the father) not pulling their weight with the parenting.

Its a bit odd to say a man acting like that is shit (i agree) and then to reveal your own partner is the same, but its okay because he has a job, no, he’s exactly the same as the person you’re complaining about.

I felt the need to explain it as the poster I was quoting described a sleepless baby I e. Chronic sleep deprivation it as not an 'extreme situation'.

If you are genuinely serious about splitting the workload then you would split some of the things listed in the OP's post related to the child. It is bonkers that a father would choose to do basically every other household task that doesn't involve their child and declare that's a sensible way of doing things.

A job he was trained to do, who provided professional training and support for you to learn how to care for a baby?

Whether relatives or paid employees, I do think it is incredibly sad that your husband needed to be supervised by a team of people when around his children. You can have a traditional set up AND make your children a priority.

@IButtleSir it’s not nearly always the father. Why is MN so anti dads? There are loads of useless mothers too! The blame sits with both the partner being lazy and the partner putting up with it. Often people behave like shit because people let them get away with it! And for your reasons on staying if you’re with someone and you can’t trust them to look after their own kids then that is quite frankly your own fault!

I said the conversation came up as I shared that on the weekend, when I was on mat leave, we both had a night totally off wakings.
So we both had a full night sleep and lie in.

This is when she shared her DP wouldn't do this as he said it's her problem to deal with.

How is this the same?

No my DP didn't do night wakings in the working week generally but when I was as raggid as my friend currently is and was diagnosed pnd. He booked a week off work and did all care as I felt so poorly. And I just slept! Not the same :)

Yes darling we have to have ten people helping while mummy is in hospital because daddy is rubbish and doesn’t want to raise you.

What a brilliant example to children, training daughters to be household appliances and sons to do absolutely nothing.

For those saying the mother shouldn't put up with it etc. I think some of the comments here prove why they do? They think it's there job to get on with and to have low expectations.

It makes me sad.

Yanbu but people don't like it when you point out that their husband is kind of shit as this thread is basically doing.

And fuck the pp who say women on mat leave don't need sleep because men have big important jobs. Not falling asleep with a newborn is life or death, it's at least as important as your husband's crappy self important nonsense job.

I can't remember what book it was (invisible women?) but they showed two families with GPs. In the female GP couple she was the one doing the bulk of childcare because her job allowed it. In the second couple he was the GP so his wife did the bulk of childcare because his job didn't allow it. 🙄

My exes mum a full blown narc would did all the night feeds, cleaning, self care, lunches l, dinner stay home mum, etc his step father would go to work, she told him you work and bring me the money 😳 she also alienated the kids from their real dad, made them call step dad their real dad, changed their surnames, poisoned them into hating their real dad, and so much more, of course she was always the victim. She got 2 houses out of those men and never worked in a job. Let’s not make all women out to be hero’s. Some men work damn hard to make a nice home, and work all hours. 2 out if the kids don’t talk to her due to her instability of mind but she did all those things you mentioned and kept a clean and tidy home too

I'm an excellent example to my kids thank you. So is their dad. You've clearly never met a gypsy before. Your loss.

How does one "not allow it" anyway? Does she leave the partner knowing he's not going to do 50/50 when they split so she'll have all the work and a higher financial burden?

And where all the shit mums who neglect their children because the men don't "allow it"?. It's one more job for women micro managing men

I only disagree on night wakes if one parent doesn't work, but they should still do breakfast one morning so the other parent gets a sleep in

"I wouldn't know how to do his job without instructions would I?"

But parenting is his job. So yes, he should know how. And if you watched him do his job daily and gave a shit you could learn it too. Just as he could.

Are you seriously claiming there are as many useless mothers as there are useless fathers? That just as many women abandon their children as men do?

And for your reasons on staying if you’re with someone and you can’t trust them to look after their own kids then that is quite frankly your own fault!
Unless that person had access to a crystal ball before having children with someone, then no, it is not their fault if their partner is a shit parent.

My father is French gypsy btw. It's fuck all excuse to treat women like shit.

Being a gypsy is not an excuse for sexism.

Me and DH did sleep shifts and split the nights - it meant we both got a chunk of uninterrupted sleep.

We did this regardless of who was off with the baby Vs who was working out of the home (we split parental leave so both did both roles). I think it's ridiculous when people say the person looking after the baby doesn't need sleep as they're not "working". Your baby is your most precious thing! If you're too sleep deprived you could fall asleep with them on the sofa or something and they could die - the worst that usually happens if you're sleep deprived at a job is that you get fired and get another job. It's not comparable - the person looking after the baby should get more sleep imo (I still think this and both me and DH are in high earning/high pressure jobs)

Even if you’re a sahm the work of child rearing should be split when your partner isn’t working outside the home. I don’t see how as a parent you can have anymore than a superficial relationship with your dc if you don’t spend any time with them.

Comments like this really bug me because it shows how so many people have no idea how hard it is to be a SAHP to a young child. The difference when you have a useless partner is your job is 24/7 and theirs in 40hrs. Have a moment to ponder that. If you were working 24/7 with minimal sleep and your boss (ie baby) needing constant care and attention you'd want some help or a break every now and then too. Piss off with your providing money comment 🙄

When I was on maternity leave I did pretty much everything. DH worked really hard and saved up enough money to buy a house near my work so I wouldn’t have a long commute when I went back. He often got less sleep than me. People divide things up differently and you never know what goes on in a relationship. If your friend is happy with the setup, it is fine.