To think you are NOT a good dad?

[BobbyDazzler11]

Met with a friend over the weekend who's 1YO is awake a lot in the night. Her DP doesn't get up for any wakes as she said he believes 'it's her issue to sort' . He has always just left her to it.

He does no other care type responsibilities. Just the fun stuff. She plans to have multiple more children with him.

I am honestly sick of hearing of these lazy men. Then they take their child/children to the park for an hour and believe they are father of the year????

So AIBU to think you are NOT a good dad if you don't do all of the following...

• pitch in for night wakes
• making breakfasts/lunches/dinners
• do self care for the children inc teeth brushing/ nails cut etc
• look after your children with ridiculous amount of instruction and prep from the mum!

I can't imagine as a mother just opting out of these things?????

Doesn't sound like a great dad to me.

Set your expectations higher.

I’m not sure why if sleep is so widely accepted as needed in the way you describe (which I would agree with) you felt the need to explain it? No “regular rules of humans” are broken by a couple sharing jobs between them. How on earth can we know what this father contributes? Is it that you don’t understand the concept of both pitching in or that you are horrified at the thought of being able to split the work between you by type?

@AliBaliBee1234 and @Bumpitybumper were both agreeing with you!

He helped in plenty of other ways.

No he wouldn't, I'd have to tell him what to do. I have no problem with that. I wouldn't know how to do his job without instructions would I?

It was a bit pointless to wake DH up out of principle on the 9/10 times that baby just wanted a feed and DH lacked the required body parts. He did pitch in and do the nappy change parts when I was recovering from birth and when we had rough nights due to illness and baby wouldn't settle. We did try bottles/ formula when DS had a rough phase at 5m and that made it even worse by triggering head to toe eczema and DS was later diagnosed with CMPA. I had tried pumping, but that didn't work, and DS (later diagnosed with sensory processing issues) rejected bottles of umpteen types.
So I don't think performative waking of the father is an essential part of being a good dad.

DH has always worked longer hours out of the house than me so expecting him to regularly make meals was also unrealistic. The key thing is that he can. Ditto with the care type stuff.

I have always been able to go off and leave the DCs with him knowing that they'll be well looked after and happy. That's the important bit.

As older children/ teens they know when he's the better parent to approach with our different skill sets. We have a calm and happy relationship. We parent on the same page. If I was ever abruptly struck down by lightning or some other random catastrophe, he would be able to meet the range of the DCs needs.

He is a positive example of masculinity in their lives and is a meaningful parent, not a Disney Dad.

I think this is the key point. If she is asking her partner for help and he ignores her, then that is bad parenting and not a great relationship.
However I guess as you are talking about your friend, you don't really know how willing her partner was to have a baby, what she said she would do if she needed to convince him and whether she had an idealistic view of what having children would be like.

Weren't you worried that if you became ill your children wouldn't be cared for?

DH does all of that stuff and condensed his work hours to be and to do the same amount of childcare in the week as me (I did the same after mat leave).
He didn't do a lot of night wakes for the first year because he was at work and I wasn't, and ds was BF. He did use to take over until about 11:30 (I'd go to bed at 9 if I was tired) give an expressed bottle, I found it hard to pump so there was no option of doing multiple a day, and he'd get up earlier than he needed to in the morning so he was ready for work before ds woke up in the morning and could take over until he needed to go to work around 8/8;30. I could always have a coffee/shower in the mornings, he also used to get ds up and out on a Saturday morning so I got a lay in. I don't begrudge that I did anything between 11;30 pm and 6:30am.

I assume you are happy in your life, as I am in mine.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos, @Rastyopolis- how to you suggest a woman force a grown man to do something he's unwilling to do? Don't blame women for not forcing men to be a less shit partner and father. It's a man's responsibility not to be a shit partner and father.

I don’t think it’s a problem when one parent is a SAHP and one parent is working. Both parents are equally contributing to the family.

The working parent cant ask the other parent to chip in with providing money when he’s tired or needs more money.

Yes that sounds unbalanced, but still fairly dependent on the situation. It is perfectly possible to look after a baby every night by yourself. Huge numbers of parents do. Personally I’d rather be up with the baby than enormous numbers of other jobs. If the mother hates it and would rather do some of the other work then surely they can do that?

Parenting is the job of both parents.

She plans to have multiple more children with him

And this doesn't sound like a good mum. Bringing more children into the world with crappy dads is selfish.

I suggest she tells him she's unhappy with the set up and if he doesn't pull his weight the set up will change drastically.

It's not on her to change his behaviour but it's entirely on her whether she continues to put up with it, therefore allowing him to treat her like a skivvy.

To me this does count as 'helping in the night'...because it's within the constraints of BF. And exactly what a partner should do in this situation.

No

She is obviously not that bothered if, as OP states, she is planning on having more kids with him.

This comes across as she wants lots of kids and he doesn't, but he is willing to do the job if she gets on and looks after them. She wants them, she deals with them.

Not saying it's right or wrong, but either way she knows his attitude to the first one, it's unlikely to change for the any of the next 6.

I find it absolutely mad that a parent wouldn't know how to care for their own child without instructions!! Totally mad!

I know someone like this from my circle. The husband won’t even give the toddler breakfast whilst the wife showers. I honestly just think what is even the point in him.

I think you are possibly describing a poor husband rather than a poor father?

The father is pretty confident all his children's needs are being met well, by the person he trusts to do it best. And he can then meet other needs like feeling loved, safe etc.

The most I have to tell DH is what she's having for dinner, and that's only cos usually I've done lunch and he was at work so didn't see what she had. He can do everything else, even if it's different to "my way", it gets done and she's happy.

@IButtleSir this comment makes no sense. I’m not blaming anyone. Some mums are shit some dads are shit. My question is why would either a mum or dad put up with the other parent not pulling their weight.

Then you were being selfish. You didn't plan for your DC in an emergency because monopolising parenting for your own image was more important to you than what would happen to them. You did it to justify your role, it had nothing to do with your children.

I really dont think in this modern climate, where children will be used to seeing their friends Dad's chip in, that this set up is at all healthy.

I have no problem with SAHM's to be clear, just with Dad's telling children 'you are not my problem, go away'. Or the lessons it teaches girls.

What about outside of working hours? When husband was at work I was responsible for all parenting. He worked 40 hours a week, I parented alone for 40 hours a week. The rest was split.