AIBU to make complaint to police?

[Sunshineandpool]

I really feel the police acted inappropriately and am thinking of making a complaint.

A friend of my DD's (they are both 16 and both autistic) has been going through a difficult time with his mental health. Both families are close and he is always welcome at ours. However, myself and his mum are mindfull of my daughter feeling 'responsible' for him or having too much put on her so I've been making sure to check in with her and be available myself if he is struggling.

Recently he sadly took an overdose but when his mum phoned an ambulance he left the house so she had to call the police to keep him safe until an ambulance could come. The poor lad was highly distressed and told the police he wanted to go to his best friend's (my dd). The police phoned my DD and told her they were bringing her friend over to her. I was out and came home to her in a huge panic! The police were aware the boy had taken an overdose and that my DD was only 16 and autistic. How can they think it is appropriate to put the responsibility of this on to my daughter?

Hi @Sunshineandpool
I am a police officer and if I were you I would write to complain, not to get anyone in trouble as I'm sure they genuinely thought they were doing the right thing, but for training so no other juvenile with vulnerabilities feels put upon by adults who have responsibilities for this boy...!

It's insane that they ever thought it would be appropriate to leave a suicidal 16 yo boy with a lone 16yo girl with autism, this is so deeply wrong.

The other preferred outcome would have been that when the officers found the boy they rang your DD again to confirm that he wasn't coming, so she wasn't left worrying about it.

I don't think they appreciated what effect the phone call would have had on your DD, but it's just a wildly inappropriate suggestion and I don't blame you for being upset.

No this is not ok op and id be complaining.

The officers involved clearly need a lot more training, although tbf I'd think it's obvious to a slug you wouldn't leave a suicidal child with another minor. Poor lad and your poor DD being put in that situation.

The circumstances of whether he was left with OPs dd or not are highly irrelevant. Taking a child who has overdosed to another child to even witness is a dreadfully poor choice, even if both kids were NT. She's far too young to have to deal with that any the OP is obviously worried about what effect it may have on her. Autistic people are great at masking so her dd may say she's fine but could well not be. Honestly OP, in your situation I'd be at a cross roads. My sons best friend is autistic and my son has adhd. I'm very close with his mum. If I was in your situation I'd let the kid come over but internally I'd be very upset to even be put in that position myself, let alone a 16 year old. I'd probably not make a formal complaint but I'd have a word for sure. I'm sorry for you DD and I hope the boy is okay.

That doesn't make sense? What had he overdosed on? Police have a duty of care and a level of first aid training, I can't see how they would risk leaving?
Edit - do you mean the ambulance was already there, or that they were waiting for it to arrive still?

For my sins I've been involved with several friends who have threatened / attempted suicide or self harmed in other ways, and can confirm that there seems little consistency or clarity in the way various agencies will deal with crisis situations.

I always thought that the definition of "risk to oneself and / or other people" would be quite clear but apparently not.

On more than one occasion I've experienced being expected to look after someone in absolute crisis, which is above my layman's paygrade, while various agencies play "pass the hot potato" for various bureaucratic reasons, despite on one particular occasion having another vulnerable person in my care.

The phrase "capacity" and the rights of the person in question seem to be used expansively with little appreciation of other practicalities in the mix.

So I empathise with the OP and her daughter, and a complaint to "inform best practise" is definitely in order I think.

It is traumatic and scary to be dealing with situations where someone is not acting rationally, and moreover for someone who is essentially an autistic child.

I wish the OP, her daughter and the friend all the best moving forward and hope it can be acknowledged that things should have been handled differently.

Yes I would complain. Doesn’t matter if he never actually was dropped to your dd the fact is they phoned her and put a care role on her she should not have been expected to take on. Even if not autistic this would be unacceptable. and I suspect if your child was male the responses would be different as male people are not expected to be support humans like female people.

The police phoned my DD and told her they were bringing her friend over to her.

Did they tell her, or ask her?

The police cannot force him into an ambulance.

I am sorry this happened and that it distressed your daughter, genuinely. I'm also surprised things are still as they were when my sister used to do this, decades ago. But their hands are tied, they can't force him to get into the ambulance and receive medical attention.

I'd take this as the cue that it is too much for your daughter, there's too much of a reliance from him, and there needs to be a better barricade between them.

No, they were going to. They told his mum that was what they were going to do.

Sorry, trying to be clear. His mum spoke to the police later as her son lost his earphones prior to getting in the ambulance. She queried if they had been intending to leave her DS with my DD and they confirmed it.

Yes, his mum got him in the ambulance so the police did not drop him at mine.

I apologise, I'm autistic and not all the best at writing these things.

No, I don't want to complain about them bringing him to my daughter when they didn't. It is the fact that they were going to bring him to her and phoned her and told her this, leaving her in a very distressed state. Of course if his mum had not turned up they would have brought him.over. And the police hadn't told my daughter they weren't bringing him over so she still thought he was coming. It could have been a really dangerous situation if they bought him over. What if his health had declined and my daughter couldn't deal with it as she was in meltdown? Surely if we don't raise these things it could happen again? What is wrong with the police learning from a mistake?

Why didn’t his Mum explain to the police that this wasn’t appropriate?

I don't know if they asked her age to be honest.

They were not dropping him off to wait for an ambulance. They were dropping him off as he wanted to go there instead of going in the ambulance. He was in a park and the ambulance had arrived.

Thank you, that is a good idea.

And yes, they are both doing well now.

At the time of the police calling my DD her friend was with only the police and ambulance crew. Subsequently, his mum arrived and got him in the ambulance.

I was out when this happened so hence DD not being able to hand the call to me. This is my concern. If I was there it would have been fine to bring him to us.

I've not spoken to the police. But this is why I was wanting to make a complaint so I could tell them. In my experience, autistic kids tend to often have autistic friends so it's something else for them to consider. If we are thinking about dropping an autistic kid at their friend's there is a good chance they are autistic too.

I don't think the sedatives are important to this thread.

They didn't because luckily the mum turned up. However, they were planning to and therefore may do the same in another situation. The point is the police clearly thought it was appropriate to bring a suicidal autistic teen to be looked after by another autistic teen. It is not.

Dd didn't just think they might. She was told they were bringing him to her and not updated when that changed.

I don't understand either!

Thank you, it has actually helped writing it here to know exactly what I need to say.

I am surprised that some people think it is ok.

No, as I said the police were going to bring him there. It's not a misunderstanding.

I don't think the sedatives are important to this thread.

I'd think they were highly important and a factor as to how urgently he needed medical attention like having his stomach pumped? So also something as to why it's apparently been mum and ambulance and police saying 'yeah a 16 yo can manage this medical emergency' or he's not actually taken anything that horrendously dangerous?

To be honest I don't think someone seriously sedated has the capacity to make that decision. But aside from that it isn't right to put the responsibility onto my DD. It could have been very dangerous.

Do you think the police could not have asked her age? Asked to speak to her mum? Spoken to the boy's mum?

I've altered nothing. I'm autistic and the way I see it if it wasn't true I wouldn't say it. I'm not going to get the answer to my question if I lie. I don't always know in advance all the information people like to know.