To ask how you deal with your partner’s crushes?

[RubyTuesday10]

I know I’ll probably be seen as silly but I’ve always been very insecure about my looks after being teased at school a lot, even at the ripe old age of 46. My partner now and then will voice his appreciation of famous women and it utterly destroys me inside. I compare myself to whoever it is and beat myself up about how I’m not as attractive and feel like if he likes this woman, how can he possibly fancy me. He’s into health and nutrition and currently has a crush on this lady called Dr. Federica Amati and talks about how clever, beautiful she is, what a sexy voice she has etc. I cry about it in private because I feel like I’m always going to feel bad about how I look. He says it’s silly and he loves me as I am but I can’t explain it, it just really really hurts to think of him wanting another woman even on a fantasy level. How do other women deal with this mentality and not feel remotely bothered?

As a thought exercise, maybe try looking at some objectively hot men who are Hollywood A listers and ask yourself if you like your partner any the less because you know they exist?

Also, what about hot people in real life who are absolute weirdos. The classic one is Tom Cruise, with his scientology shit. Andrew Tate isn’t bad looking, if you’re into his sort of look, physically speaking. Or Young Prince Andrew was rather dashing in his 20s and 30s.

For most people a bad personality is a turn-off, I know my ‘euch’ reaction to JD Vance or Trump Junior has more to do with my perception of their characters than their looks. Meanwhile my liking for Greg Davies (a popular mumsnet crush) also has more to do with my perception of his character than his looks! If he was a mean selfish politician then my feelings about him would be a different kettle of fish entirely.

You are suffering with low self esteem, he either doesn't know, or doesn't care, it really doesn't matter whether he mentions other women often or occasionally, it still causes you emotional pain. He shouldn't be ok with that. Tell him exactly how it makes you feel.

Your H does not have your best interests at heart, he is quite fine reducing you to tears, in fact it sounds like he has a mean, controlling streak that gets some inane pleasure out of making you upset.

do you really want to invest any more time in this relationship?

Okay, so he starts showing you content, and you work out that if he's showing you a lot from Person A, that's his current crush, and that makes you feel less than?

To a certain extent, that's a self-esteem issue - and that's reinforced by you saying he was the first man to ever compliment you. It sounds like all of your self worth is built on him, and you struggle when he compliments someone else, because you're so reliant on him, and it feels that him complimenting someone else takes something away from you? I'm really sorry that you feel so low. Have you talked to anyone about this? Do you have any plans for building confidence away from him? It's a precarious place to be, and you don't deserve to be miserable for ages.

Where did the comments on a sexy voice, and her being beautiful, come from, though? I can understand him saying she's really clever. It's difficult because it's not out-of-this-world unbelievable for me to say to DH, "Oh I love this guys' voice", or "He's fascinating to talk to because he knows so much", especially professionally, although I can't imagine commentating on someone's online videos. But equally; I know that DH would be totally unbothered. If I felt he was sensitive to it, I'd make really sure that I didn't, so I didn't worsen that feeling.

I can also see that perhaps he feels he should be able to say those things, and it not cripple your self-esteem, but surely he'd then talk to you about working on that rather than just force ahead with comments you don't want to hear that are hurting you. Has he done that?

He doesn’t know I was upset, I cried privately in the bathroom and scratched my ugly face. He would be mortified if he knew he’d upset me but I know it’s an extreme reaction that’s why I hide it from him.

Thank you for being so understanding and insightful. He just said oh I really like this woman, love her voice, then he grinned and I said are you crushing on her jokily and he said yes and laughed. I said she is beautiful and he agreed. I showed no signs of being upset because I know I’m wrong to.

Aside from your husband being a dick, you need help, OP. Have you considered counselling?

Yes have begun seeing a therapist.

First post nails it

You have a DH problem, this isn't something YOU have to deal with. He's a prick.

1. He's cruel and abusive if he knows this hurts you as it does, and you should leave.

1. if he doesn't know, then you tell him it does, and if he still does it - see point 1.

I'm in a long term relationship.
I certainly don't fancy other man if I'm deeply in love and I'd want my relationships to be mutual in that regard, not imbalanced.

Obviously there's a difference between seeing that someone has good-looking features and actually feeling sexual attraction towards them. The former is normal, the latter I wouldn't think is so much if you're in love, because when you're in love (well, in my experience, anyway, no doubt it varies) your body and mind are focused on the person you're in love with and you have a deep physical and emotional connection.

A crush is even more extreme and I'd assume there are issues in the relationship if one partner is feeling intense emotions and fantasising about someone else.

Wait… “you scratched your ugly face”. @RubyTuesday10 aside from partner being gauche about how rude his behaviour is - your actions and reaction to it all is worrying.

Maybe he can change and redeem himself if spoken to earnestly. But you have things that need rather urgent attention and help.

I would say you need to do a lot of work on yourself before being in a committed relationship if this is how you feel and cope with things.

As it happened myself and my partner both have silly crushes or famous people we find attractive that we will never meet, marry or interact with.

we don’t go lusting after them or make running commentary on them though.

I know my partner really likes an Italian actress popular in the 80s/90s. And I see why - she’s attractive. Nothing like me or his previous partners. But he’s with me so it doesn’t bother me.

I like James Hoffman. He’s quirky. Not conventionally attractive maybe. But I find him funny, and the geek side - I like. My partner knows and we have a loath about it but also enjoy his Barista/coffee videos.

I also like Greg Davies from Taskmaster etc. no idea why. Makes me laugh mainly. Tall? Who knows.

I tend to find the unconventional ones interesting. Not sure I’d call it a crush though.

Neither myself or my partner sit here when watching them with a running commentary on how sexy they are. But I can also accept that other people are attractive and we both notice it. I will occasionally see women and think how attractive they look and give them a compliment on their outfit or something. Doesn’t mean I want to run off with them (I’m straight).

Do you never notice that people of either sex are attractive? Do you think it makes you a bad or unfaithful person if you see someone in real life or on screen and find them attractive?

So no - he isn’t behaving well with his crushes or commentary.

But you aren’t communicating well with him/together or in a mentally healthy place yourself given your reaction to this.

Running away to the bathroom to cry, berate yourself and scratch your face says you need someone professional to help you love yourself more as you are worth a happy confident life. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

I've been in a good marriage for over 30 years, and don't recognise what you say.

It's perfectly normal to be sexually attracted to someone outside your marriage. The point of the marriage is that you don't act on it because you work at the lasting and strong emotional bond you have within the marriage. As a result, I have no problem with crushes.

Two provisos: there's obviously a big difference between a celebrity crush and a crush on someone you know and interact with. I have had plenty of crushes on "real people" during my marriage but I am careful to recognise them for what they are.

Secondly, neither of us in our marriage vocalise our crushes. I don't think it's very respectful. But what goes on in your own head is your own business.

Am I the only person who thinks it never did come up in conversation and this is an advertisement for the wannabe influencer referenced in the OP?

Have you disclosed the self harm to your counsellor? You should also explain to your partner why he can’t/shouldn’t make those comments in front of you. It obviously upsets you more than the average person.

I don't deal with it because I told my DH how I felt, he respected that and stopped sharing his thoughts on other women.

I don't have this issue. I really don't mind if my husband finds other women attractive because it isn't a me or her situation, same as if I find someone else attractive.

However, if you don't want to hear about it, why is he telling you all these details rather than just leaving it in his own head?

Do you ever fancy anyone OP? Would fancying George Clooney mean your husband is ugly?

I’m mindful that the OP could interpret the posts that give the view that their DP/DH doesn’t find anyone outside of their relationship attractive, as reinforcement of her poor opinion of herself. The posts that state that they’ve never had a partner pass comment on anyone else, could inadvertently bolster the OPs low self esteem.

Her DH has expressed he finds another woman attractive ergo she must be less appealing to her husband than other posters are to their spouses.

Hopefully, counselling will help move the focus away from what the DH has expressed and focus on OPs own self perception. Whether DH is acting like a prick or not is secondary to OP acknowledging her own worth. The self harm aspect is really worrisome, theres more to address than insensitive DH commenting on other women.

Tell him if he wants to have childish crushes, that's his perogative, but to just STFU.

It's also perfectly normal not to be attracted to other people or have crushes on them, so my point is that if that's how OP feels (i.e. she doesn't fancy other people when she's in love with someone) it's fine and possible for her to find someone who is similarly wired when in love.

Others here have been suggesting she needs to cope with a relationship that's imbalanced in that way.

Of course, her self-confidence and her DH's insensitivity are also problems.

When I saw this thread I thought it would be about a partner mentioning a childhood or teenage crush

No you didn’t you commented on how gorgeous the woman was!

To clarify when I saw the title alone I thought it would be about teenage crushes. After reading the first post I agree the woman is drop dead gorgeous.

Thanks that was very helpful(!)

I think having crushes can be harmless, but in this particular case, as he’s a) doing it fairly frequently by the sounds of what you’ve written here (?) and b) continuing to do it when you’ve communicated how it upsets you, he’s being horrid. You have two options: tell him once and for all to pack it in now, or start doing it yourself and see how he likes it! I wouldn’t let him see you too upset about it, though. Wouldn’t want to give him the satisfaction! Hold your head up high.