To ask how you deal with your partner’s crushes?

[RubyTuesday10]

I know I’ll probably be seen as silly but I’ve always been very insecure about my looks after being teased at school a lot, even at the ripe old age of 46. My partner now and then will voice his appreciation of famous women and it utterly destroys me inside. I compare myself to whoever it is and beat myself up about how I’m not as attractive and feel like if he likes this woman, how can he possibly fancy me. He’s into health and nutrition and currently has a crush on this lady called Dr. Federica Amati and talks about how clever, beautiful she is, what a sexy voice she has etc. I cry about it in private because I feel like I’m always going to feel bad about how I look. He says it’s silly and he loves me as I am but I can’t explain it, it just really really hurts to think of him wanting another woman even on a fantasy level. How do other women deal with this mentality and not feel remotely bothered?

Tell him how awful it makes you feel, OP.
He should immediately apologise if he's a good man.
Also, he should never do it again.

Me and my partner know each others crushes, his is Jennifer Lawrence - she is stunning and likeable so I’m sure lots of men find her appealing.

In answer to your question it doesn’t bother me in the slightest because there’s not a chance she would look at him twice (just as Jason mamoa would have zero interest in me) and im secure in the knowledge that my partner loves me, i know my worth and i value his - being in a loving relationship should feel secure.

perhaps some counselling to help you build your self esteem might help - im sure your partner means it when he says he loves you and finds you attractive but you need to love yourself too.

Me and my husband find it funny when we ‘appreciate’ folks on tv. But we are quite secure in our feelings and relationship. Does your DH ever compliment you op? Why do you feel insecure about your DH’s comments? Why do you feel not ‘good enough’?

My husbands is Maya Jama. He says it quite often to wind me up as I’m told I look a bit like she does (when I was 29 years younger). It annoyed me at first but I play him at his own game. Told him if he ever gets the chance he has a hall pass but if I meet Vin Diesel then he’s mine and I’m off! He never found that particularly funny and now I don’t hear much about Maya 🤣

My husband and I both have celebrity crushes that we may comment on from time to time. Nothing at all serious, on occasion he’s mimicked one of mine in a playful way. It’s pure fantasy based on superficial qualities, no real feelings involved. It doesn’t diminish how I know he feels about me.

But it’s never more than a passing comment if they pop up on the TV. He’s not seeking them out or watching endless videos, if he droned on in great detail I might start to think differently.

Your DH knows it makes you feel bad about yourself so he should just keep his thoughts to himself. He’s being inconsiderate, he doesn’t have to vocalise his thoughts.

Do you have any celebrity crushes of your own or is it not something you particularly consider?

Your husband is being very disrespectful.

I have been subjected to this kind of behaviour in the past and it is crushing.

You could be polite and tell him that you find it disrespectful, or you could be honest and tell him that he is a low status male and would stand no chance with the dishy Doctor Amati, so he should shut up about her.

By accepting that I am not a rich celebrity with access to a chef, personal trainer, plastic surgeon and a team of stylists etc whose sole job it is to make me look good?

Honestly I think you need therapy to work though your own insecurities. Beating yourself up for not having different DNA and impossible standards is not normal.

On the other hand, your husband is a class A wanker for continuing to comment about his crushes when he knows it upsets you. Perhaps he does it in purpose to keep you in line.

My DP tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and he's lucky to have me. Bullshit, of course, I'm perfectly average looking and currently resemble a raccoon thanks to babies and sleepless nights, but the point is he has enough emotional intelligence to prioritise making me feel good and secure.

My husband never mentions other women like that, so I never have to deal with it. I had an ex who did though - and same as you I thought "why am I so insecure about this?! I shouldn't care" until I got with a nicer man and realised my ex was a bit of a knob for mentioning other women/celebs he fancied. They do it to get a rise out of you and to make you jealous. Nice men don't do that. Your DP is the problem, not your feelings

I used to dislike it when I was younger! He never mentions celebrities he finds attractive now, which is probably better. I'm sure he still does find some attractive its just having the sense not to tell me about it!

Your husband is an idiotic moron

i would be pointing out even if he did attempt to chase his crush down she would likely laugh in his face. See how he likes it

Yeah, I'm another one who couldn't tell you who my husband has a crush on or even if he has one.

We all notice attractive people of course, but I wouldn't call that having a crush. Some married people enjoy talking about who the other person fancies, but personally in our marriage that isn't something we do. It doesn't interest or benefit us in any way to know.

He knows it upsets you, so the only reason he would keep mentioning her is to be an arsehole.

Yeah same here. My partner likes Rachel Riley. My fave celeb crush is Owen Wilson. It's not a big deal for us to have these crushes.
@RubyTuesday10 I think if he is saying so many different things about someone he likes it does sound a bit disrespectful. It's one thing to say you like someone but to go on about all the different reasons why you like them feels a bit much for me. I think you should have an honest conversation and tell him it upsets you. Say it's fine for you to have celeb crushes but I don't need to know all the different reasons why.
I would also seek some help for your self esteem as well. It's never too late to feel great about yourself Ruby. You can work through all those old issues from earlier in your life and leave them behind. I'm 43 and I actually feel pretty great at the moment. I feel much more confident that when I was younger. I was bullied at school as most people are at some point in their lives. I've accepted how I look and it feels pretty liberating.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who fancied other people, whether he knew those people in real life or was watching them on screen. I know some people are ok with that, but I'd only want to be in an exclusive relationship.

Of course it's going to affect how you feel about yourself, if the man who is supposed to fimd you the most attractive person in the world is going on about finding someone else attractive!

I wouldn’t know who my husband’s celebrity crush is as he’d never dream of telling me another woman is beautiful/sexy and I’d never talk about my celebrity crushes with him.
Your DH is being massively disrespectful and it’s even worse if he knows how much it upsets you.
Tell him not to discuss it in front of you.

Thanks he doesn’t actually say it very often at all. It’s just the rare occasions he does I beat myself up about it. I do get compliments from him but for some reason I can’t believe it.

It definitely hasn't been a thing in my relationships. I haven't had a crush since my teens and if I'm in love with someone, why would I be obsessing about someone else?! And why would I want a relationship with someone who fancied someone else? I get that some people are polyamorous, but it's not for me. (Nor would I love someone who was attracted to celebrities, anyway, tbh we don't watch tv etc. anyway, so wouldn't recognise one if we saw one.)

This!!

ALL men have crushes/fantasies (all humans do!) but that he’s sharing them with you is the problem. It sounds like he’s enjoying regularly making you feel bad about yourself to make him feel better about himself.

In other words, you’ve unfortunately married a fecking twat (but you can start to rebuild from here…)

@RubyTuesday10 both myself and DH have had crushes on other people. We've discussed our celebrity crushes, but we are both fine with it. I don't feel insecure because I know the various celebrities aren't a threat, and I understand that people are attracted to other people.

I currently have a crush on a new work colleague, and that is something I wouldn't share with DH. If DH told me about a crush on someone he knew in real life (and I'm sure as shit he has had them), I would find that hard to deal with.

I know that DH loves me though and would be lost without me.

If it hurts you, tell him. If he says you are silly for feeling like that, tell him it doesn't matter and that it hurts you and you don't want to hear it. Or, just say you'd drop him in an instant if Jake Gyllenhaal or Ian Somerhalder were to approach you!

Sounds like you need to be vocal about some crushes of your own. "Tom Hardy ooooh phwoarrr," etc

I don’t have to deal with it because my DP cares about my feelings and keeps any thoughts of crushes in his head.

Does your DP disregard your feelings in other ways OP?

My husband never discusses celebrity crushes. If he did it might annoy but I can’t imagine my self esteem being crushed. I’d just think he was being an arse.

If he can bag Carol Vorderman then more power to him!

He's absolutely awful at math, it'd be hilarious.

All jokes aside, unless he's being a horrible letch, surely it's just a bit of harmless fun? Everyone has crushes. Crying feels like a bit of an overreaction.

Have you told him yours? If he's going on about it to the point that's it's genuinely upsetting you, tell him and ask him to stop.

Mine doesn’t…

You don't need to feel insecure because you both know that his crushes aren't going to fancy him back. He's being insensitive but it probably doesn't cross his mind that you feel threatened - it's just fantasy and nothing to do with real life. You're the person he actually loves even though he may not always deserve you.

I think there's a difference between saying x is beautiful or answering I find x attractive if asked outright but I wouldn't expect my partner to go into much detail on it even if rarely. But then if it bothered me I also wouldn't facilitate or encourage the conversation by asking any follow up questions etc.

I think you need to probably tell him the impact it has on you so he can be more aware of what he says going forwards. At the same time I think there's a bit of work for you to do in recognising that fantasy and reality are two very different things for people, and while you're seeing a celebrity and finding them attractive, you're also only getting a filtered, superficial illusion of a person whereas you are a complete, unique, whole person and that is infinitely richer! It's like people who in their head fantasise about having a threesome, but at the same time know that the reality wouldn't be something they want?

Have you done any counselling or similar to work on your low self esteem? I used to have horrific body image thanks to a difficult upbringing and a mixture of counselling, a very positive and inclusive social media feed and really putting the work in with mental exercises focused on challenging those types of thought patterns has made a huge impact for me. In that respect its something you need to get from the inside out, so then really what your partner thinks will only ever be secondary in its importance compared to what you think of yourself.