To ask how you deal with your partner’s crushes?

[RubyTuesday10]

I know I’ll probably be seen as silly but I’ve always been very insecure about my looks after being teased at school a lot, even at the ripe old age of 46. My partner now and then will voice his appreciation of famous women and it utterly destroys me inside. I compare myself to whoever it is and beat myself up about how I’m not as attractive and feel like if he likes this woman, how can he possibly fancy me. He’s into health and nutrition and currently has a crush on this lady called Dr. Federica Amati and talks about how clever, beautiful she is, what a sexy voice she has etc. I cry about it in private because I feel like I’m always going to feel bad about how I look. He says it’s silly and he loves me as I am but I can’t explain it, it just really really hurts to think of him wanting another woman even on a fantasy level. How do other women deal with this mentality and not feel remotely bothered?

He didn’t say he was fantasising about her although I would assume he does. He shows me videos about diet and nutrition because it’s a shared interest. I feel like I can’t enjoy watching her anymore.

To people who think I am over the top for crying, I’ve been put down about my appearance for many years. He was the first man to accept me as I am and compliment me so I suppose it hurts when he finds others attractive. It’s very rare he says these things but when he does it has a huge effect on me.

You need to work on your own self esteem and not rely on someone else to give this to you- even your partner. I really do think therapy could help you.

(Seperately though, your OP needs to shut up!)

I know but I can’t imagine how I could ever have self esteem looking the way I do. His standards of beauty are obviously a lot higher than I hoped they were. I feel so silly to have believed myself fanciable, he must be secretly repulsed.

I’m sorry but even now and again is not normal

I had an abusive relationship like this once. He's identified this as a weak spot for you and is exploiting your insecurities to hurt you. It's very frustrating and feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you which is why you're crying.

He was the first man to accept me as I am and compliment me so I suppose it hurts when he finds others attractive.

He finds other people attractive AND he still wants to be with you most. He's with you not because he doesn't fancy anyone else but because he likes you best of everyone he's met. Not because he's repulsed by you.

Or is simply commenting - as many do - without knowing how it's affecting the OP.

I'm not sure it's helpful to jump to a conclusion that it's a deliberate and malicious ploy to undermine her, when there does not appear to be any suggestion that's the case.

I have no idea, Dh would never ever tell me, I have also never mentioned anything like that to him. Also tend to have crushes on middle aged blokes in my vicinity not celebs so I doubt DH would appreciate knowing that I’m checking out the swimming teacher. Why does he feel the need to share this stuff, it’s so odd.

Yeah I recognise this, most men know that commenting on a womans appearance to their wife is not great. He’s either an idiot or he likes you to feel inadequate.

I’d consider my dh to be quite high on emotional intelligence, but in the early days of our relationship I had to make it very clear that I considered any evidence of his appreciation of other women’s appearance, disrespectful.

I don’t care if all men look. I don’t care if the problem is with my self esteem. The bottom line for me is I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m triggered by something he could just choose to not do.

I think that part of the problem here is that your past experiences have set you up to feel as if this is something you have to put up with. Or this is all you deserve. And it doesn’t help that we live in a culture with a subtle but pervasive message that women’s value lies in the visual pleasure they provide to men.

Even if you’re eye willingly ugly, or horrifically disfigured, your partner should be able to moderate his behaviour to be more respectful and it’s not unreasonable to expect that in your home.

My husband doesn’t express ‘crushes’ on women or comment on celebrities looks. If he fancies them he keeps it to himself. Have you told him how it feels?

My husband doesn't talk about his 'crushes'. I have absolutely no idea which celebrities he fancies and he doesn't know about mine as its just never mentioned. The only person I've ever known to do this was a teenage boyfriend I had when I was 17 and it really unsettled me back then. I'd say I'm a fairly secure person but even I would find it quite insensitive and uncalled for. I'd just ask him to stop doing it.

We all have crushes, but it's not normal to go on and on about it!

It is quite nornal for men AND WOMEN! To have crushes.... What is not nornal is commenting on it excessively and upsetting your partner.

Ask him to stop or start commenting loudly on blokes you fancy.

@CalicoPusscat
Cross post😂

I don't have to deal with my partners crushes, because he doesn't tell me about them or voice them at all.

I have body dysmorphia and concerns of my appearance can be extreme, and what I do in response to those concerns can also be extreme if something sets it off. My partner doesn't do anything to exacerbate it. And, to be honest, even if it weren't for the body dysmorphia I don't think he would be disrespectful like that.

Do wonder why your partner does do it. I assume he knows you're insecure? If so, it's weird that he will say things that he knows is likely to trigger that. He's not unusual for having a celebrity crush, but I do think it's unusual for a partner to be doing things they know is upsetting for the other.

I also don’t deal with this because my husband doesn’t talk about it. You need to tell him how much it bothers you and that you don’t want him to tell you things like that.

Another that doesnt have to deal with it. Ive had boyfriends when younger that did do this and It was horrible. I've always had pretty good confidence I think the insecurity thing can be a cop out that boys/men use to make something our problem when really it's their shitty behavior.

Ultimately a crush or finding someone attractive has a level of choice about it. I notice there are ofcourse attractive people about the same I notice there are children in parks or cars on the road. It's part of life. Do I need to comment? Do I need to follow anyone or continue my interest further? No. I choose to not engage because what purpose is it for me? I chose my husband that's where my attention and energy is going. Putting my energy into my relationship is what serves me and plays a part in my husband feeling valued, cherished and chosen.

There will be thousands of other health and fitness people your partner could easily follow. If he needs to at all. He should be respecting your feelings and the relationship far more than his desire to engage with this woman regardless if he sees it as harmless.

The self esteem may be a separate issue and that's something to explore if it was higher before the relationship or if its something regardless you want to work on with a therapist.

My husband has spoken to lots of men at work who have openly said they have had to come off social media or reduce/change content because they started to compare their partners to all these fantasy instagram models. They appreciated their partners less the same way if you sat on rightmove looking at mansions all day might make you feel less enthused with your 2 bed terraced. Combine that with male socialisation and growing up male (spending more time in fantasy) it's quite scary the effect these seemingly harmless behaviors have.

Surely context is everything here though?

If my H asked me- hey do you find Jason Momoa attractive- you seem to love his films, I'd say yes, I really do, he's super attractive. Likewise I wouldnt have an issue with him finding celebs attractive.

Huge difference between that and me constantly saying "omg JM is SOOO fcking hot- look at his body, drool! I'd shag him senseless- look at those pecs, he's the PERFECT man, I'd bang him from here into next week" etc etc

Its not the thought that is disrespectful, its the way its expressed.

I have my first popstar crush, and he is still doing occasional tours so I go if I am able. It's great, it makes me feel 14 again and I am surrounded by other women my age also happily enjoying the memories.

My husband was very taken with Kylie when he was younger. He had a signed photo of him with her, which was displayed amongst other family photos 🤣.

He isn't so bothered about Kylie now. I suspect he has a bit of a crush on Stacey Solomon, as it's him who puts her programmes on - apparently because I like them!

I currently have a thing for Jelly Roll. Have my fingers crossed he will be performing in London later this year. I have a ticket for the show on the off chance he will be allowed to. I am currently wearing a jelly roll tee shirt my husband got me for Christmas.

OP, your problem is about how you feel about yourself, not what DH thinks about random celebs.

Don’t back track and try and now defend him because people are telling you what they think of him. Whether he says it a lot or once a year it’s enough to upset you so much that you need to come online for opinions on it

Has he ever voiced any of this? You seem to be making a lot of assumptions on what he likes and doesn’t like based on a vague, unattainable crush.

I’m really sorry but this seems to be a You problem, not him.

Most people don’t have to deal with it, because anyone with any brains keeps their thoughts about fancying other people inside their head where they belong.

I think the first thing is to be a lot firmer with your husband about your boundaries and expectations. You can use the old “I feel x when you do y” routine, eg:

“Husband I have a really big emotional reaction and feel very upset when you tell me you find another woman attractive. This is thanks to traumatic experiences of being bullied in childhood. You may think it is irrational and I should get over it but this is how I feel and I need you to respect that. Please stop telling me about celebrity crushes as it hurts me. I don’t want to see any videos of that healthy living lady again.”

Being attracted to other people is really normal, we're married not dead. Do you not find other people attractive? Throwing it in your partners face so much is pretty weird though. We might make the odd comment about someone being fit, but DH doesn't need to hear about my Jason Mamoa fantasies 😄
He needs to be more sensitive and you need to work on your self esteem.