To ask how you deal with your partner’s crushes?

[RubyTuesday10]

I know I’ll probably be seen as silly but I’ve always been very insecure about my looks after being teased at school a lot, even at the ripe old age of 46. My partner now and then will voice his appreciation of famous women and it utterly destroys me inside. I compare myself to whoever it is and beat myself up about how I’m not as attractive and feel like if he likes this woman, how can he possibly fancy me. He’s into health and nutrition and currently has a crush on this lady called Dr. Federica Amati and talks about how clever, beautiful she is, what a sexy voice she has etc. I cry about it in private because I feel like I’m always going to feel bad about how I look. He says it’s silly and he loves me as I am but I can’t explain it, it just really really hurts to think of him wanting another woman even on a fantasy level. How do other women deal with this mentality and not feel remotely bothered?

My DH only has eyes for me because 'no honestly, I am the most beautiful woman in the world, ever and pffff if Jennifer Lopez tried to snog him, he'd be like - errrr you're ugly compared to trytryagain'.

And that's the kind of ignorant bliss I like to live in.

Start dishing it back OP - "oh you're right she's lovely looking and so confident, a bit like 'insert very attractive male celebrity' - I love confidence and intelligence like that in a man and he's so successful with it" gaze into the distance longing for 10 seconds and then, "ohhhh, haha silly me, quite forgot where I was for a second".

Do internal mic drop and walk away.

My husband and I would discuss famous people who we think are attractive. I don't think he is a dick for doing it though because he doesn't go on about it and isn't crude. I also would think it weird if he didn't find beautiful people attractive.

Maybe ask your husband not to tell you about his crushes and get yourself some therapy for your self esteem.

I don’t feel insecure about celebrities because they’re just fantasies. Salma Hayek - can I argue with that? She’s a goddess. Hell, I have a crush on her! If he voiced a real life crush though, I’d be devastated.

My problem is the opposite: he doesn’t give as much feedback on my appearance as I’d like. He’s happy for me to do my thing.

This! Given he knows it upsets you, he sounds like an asshole. Nothing wrong with finding someone attractive, but you don't need to go on about it. If it's symptomatic of other inconsiderate behaviour, which I assume it is, I'd reconsider the relationship. Is it just a celebrity thing or does he ogle women when he's out too?

Wowza that Doctor is gorgeous.

You need to work on your self esteem and the book overcoming low self esteem is a good place to start. Your partner also needs to be less vocal about his appreciation of other women though, as there’s a difference between saying someone is attractive and going in to detail about their sexy voice etc, and he’s taken it too far.

I don't understand " celebrity crushes" .
I thought that was a stage adolescents went through. Tbh I actually don't understand people's obsession with celebrities at all.

Your partner telling you about how beautiful.he finds other women, whether they are " celebrities " or whoever, is downright nasty. If he cares for you then he should be ensuring that you know he finds you attractive and not deliberately trying to undermine you and destroy your self confidence.

I couldn't be bothered with a grown man who behaved like a star struck teenager and who showed such disregard for the feelings of his real life partner.

This! I can't believe all of the knitsly responses saying their partner would never comment, surely its normal to point out the attractiveness of celebrities now and again, me and DH do.

I agree also that you should tell him how it makes you feel ans aak him to stop. Therapy definitely like a beneficial idea

Because he knows I would rip his head off! Seriously, just take the p out of him if and when he mentions it.
If it upsets you tell him to shut the f up, if he continues telling him again and keep telling him. If he still continues he obviously has no respect for your feelings.
As for the posters on here saying you need to work on your self esteem, no! He needs to work on not being such an inconsiderate idiot. This is his problem not yours.

I think it depends on the relationship and the person. I used to be like this with a previous partner, but I'm not with my current. Either way if she doesn't like it, then he shouldn't do it. I also agree that OP does appear to have quite serious self esteem issues if it results in tears, but that's why I wonder if there's more to it. If he makes her feel like shit in general then it's not surprising she's getting very upset

It’s completely fine and normal for both men and women to find celebrities attractive. And for plenty of couples it’s perfectly fine to discuss this - my DP and I don’t mind hearing about it from one another.

It’s not fine, however, if it reduces one partner to tears. Presumably your husband doesn’t know you’re upset by this? In which case, tell him that it makes you feel shit and could he please keep it to himself.

I’m amazed at how many people here are insisting it’s somehow outlandish or unusual for adults to have celebrities they find attractive. If this were the case, incredibly good-looking actors would not be the box office gold that they are and luxury products would not be advertised exclusively by hot people. It is normal human behaviour to be physically attracted to looks, personality and general charisma.

It isn’t weird or unusual that your husband fancies a celebrity now and again. It’s simply that if it upsets you, you need to tell him to keep it private.

It sounds as if you do have some quite serious self-esteem issues, so you might want to seek help for that.

He does need to stop talking about it. The OP also needs to work on her self-esteem. Both of these things can be true at once.

In nearly 25 years I have no idea who my dh has a crush on . It's not normal or nice of him to say these things . Not even if he just says them once in a while.
Do you do the same about people you have a crush on ? If no then maybe you should start

I would never do this and never tolerate it.

This is such a ridiculous thing to get upset over. And any woman who says they dont recognise another man especially a celeb is good looking is lying. Celebrities are unattainable so its not like hes obsessing over a local woman! Its a you issue.

My husband does do this. He’s my 3rd and the other two didn’t either. I also lived with another guy for a while and he didn’t either (you’ll have gathered I’m not young). Your problem here isn’t your insecurities (although you may find therapy helpful for addressing those), on this, your problem is your husband saying these things.

This. So what if you're conventionally ugly, he's attracted enough to you to marry you.looks are unimportant, who you are is what counts.

I know I can’t blame him for liking her, I’m a lot uglier in comparison.

...and so am I

But I don't care because I haven't got an asshole of a partner who has the effrontery to point out how attractive he finds other people.

I don't care if he does. He's not blind, but he cares enough about me not to wilfully offend.

I really hope your asshole of a partner doesnt also do that thing where he says: "I" find you attractive (with the unspoken 'but others wouldn't")

How does this come up in conversation?

I’m struggling with imagining how you’d end up telling your wife; who you know is insecure and would find this upsetting, that you’re fantasising about a doctor and she’s got a really sexy voice, without being an absolute prick.

I wouldn't expect any partner of mine to even say it once.

Have you never fancied a celebrity?? If so, do you just cease to fancy them when in a relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think about Harry Styles every minute of the day, but I see a pic of him I definitely think YES PLEASE. Has nothing to do with how I feel about my DP. And certainly doesn’t mean we’re not exclusive! Being exclusive means you don’t have a relationship with anyone else, not that you cease to have eyes.

OP, agree with others that a respectful partner wouldn’t keep going on about it, especially if they know it upsets you. Tell him to stop, and mean it.

As for how to stop feeling insecure… have you had any therapy for your self esteem? Comparing yourself to others is not healthy and is never going to make you feel good, you could probably do with addressing the root cause. I suffer with low self esteem myself (although I don’t compare myself to celebs) and therapy has really helped me work through that.

My husband has never once voiced any interest or admiration in celebrities.

a) he is utterly clueless about "selebs", wouldn't know one if they walked past him in the street.

b) he knows what side his bread is buttered on and doesn't spend time making me feel an inch tall for the fun of it.

maybe start gawking at David Gandy or whoever, see how he likes it.

It is human nature to find people attractive. I don’t think it’s a big issue at all. I would have an issue if my DH was seeking out social media accounts or something like that of people he was attracted to solely for the purpose of ogling. That’s disrespectful. But a passing “oh yes please” sort of comment, to me, is simply passing and I do the same thing!

We don’t feel insecure about how we look compared to celebs for a few reasons.

One is simply rational - neither of us are paid to look good, or have the time and funds to invest in looking good, in the way celebrities do. Achievability of “beauty” endorsed by Celebrity culture is the ultimate con and we all know very well it’s a pile of old rubbish.

The most important reason, in my view, is that we aren’t together for our looks. We love each other for our minds and hearts. We are best friends. I am not the most beautiful woman my DH will ever meet, but I don’t care because my DH isn’t shallow enough to be with me because I’m hot. I am the “whole package” in a way no one else ever will be. The same goes for how I feel about my DH. I might find someone more physically attractive… but that means literally absolutely nothing to me. You might be hot on the outside but you couldn't hold a candle to my DH overall. There’s just no comparison.

It’s like wrapping paper, it may be very pretty but ultimately gets thrown away and the question remains, “what is the gift like?” Real, long lasting attraction is about being attracted to someone as a person rather than as a purely physical entity. It has to be that way or we would all end up alone - We all will get old and grey at some point!

I mean this kindly, OP - it sounds like therapy would be beneficial to work through your insecurities. You are worth investing in to make sure you live your best possible life and don’t have to sit and cry because of something that makes you feel so sad.

How do I deal with it?

Laugh, and realise they are no less fantasy than mine are.