Avoidant/dismissive attachment- can they change? Pics attached

[lookingforadvice22]

Been doing long distance relationship for a while, his communication been an issue from the start. Short replies, all surface level chat/running commentary of his day and nothing much deeper.

Feel a real connection in person, we get on great, have lots in common and connection just feels great when together. He does all of the travel to come and see me, he works/lives in EU and travels over 10 hours every 10 days to visit me, so the effort is there in actions contrast to the shite effort in communication.

He makes frequant flippant comments such as “I will marry you one day” “we will grow old together” says he wants to be with me the rest of his life, asks me to come off my contraception and have a baby together BUT outwith these comments he refuses to engage in any sort of meaningful conversation about a future together, living together, feelings… anything. He just wants surface level chat and if I try and speak about any of these things he accuses me of moaning, dismisses what I’m saying, changes the subject and says I’m trying to argue. It is BIZARRE! He can’t have an adult conversation about these things but when I have tried to call things off he begs me, says I’m the most important thing in his life, he’s sorry/will try harder… look at his reply to my message saying he’s not giving me what I need emotionally and I’m going to focus on other things…

am I being unreasonable or is he mental?

Is this an avoidant/dismissive attachment and can they change or I have to be done with this don’t I?

I wouldn’t bother trying to analyse who, why or what he is. It doesn’t work for you, and that’s all you need to know.

You want different things. You sound quite intense actually from that message and I don't think he's ready fir any kind of commitment You are both at different stages. I would move on tbh

Maybe he's just not into the conversations. You sound intense.

If you hadn't actually meet him I'd say it was a romance scam. It's very odd.

I don’t see a problem with his messages at all. How long have you been together? What do you want him to say?

He has children he is involved with in another country yet wants you to have a baby?

Run. He sounds quite immature.

Your message says everything you need to say Op
Just step away
Don't get drawn into chasing/ arguing/ analysing
Just end it

He’s typically avoidant. I recognise everything you’ve said. They don’t change much, if at all. If you’re not too tied, leave while you can. I’m happy to go into more detail if you want to DM.

Can you let us know what he’s like when he’s with you - can he have a deep chat and talk about the future in person?

How long have you been together?

Is there a reason you don’t do any of the travel to see him?

Yes, they can change. But the desire/impetus to change has to be theirs. It can’t be externally imposed. He needs to want to seek help and engage with therapy.

I’d walk away but explain why.

Definitely avoidant. He hasn’t even acknowledged how you feel. Therapy would fix it eventually but does he see the need, would he, and do you want to wait to see? I wouldn’t. I’d look someone who’s more on your wavelength.

How do you dm? I’m really quite struggling with this

I smell a married man.

By “meaningful” do you mean intense repetitive and boring? How many times do you want to discuss XYZ?
Intense online discussions almost always end up being misconstrued. I wouldn’t discuss much online either.
You’re my version of hard work.

I have been once, sometimes I meet him different places In Europe but I said right at start of us meeting that I wouldn’t want to do the travel, wouldn’t want to spend that amount of money on travel and I was accepting that it wouldn't continue if he didn’t want to do the travel.

Definitely not married, have stayed at his house, met his friends and been in next room whilst he was on a call to lawyer about his ex wife

Op don't bother giving this anymore headspace than you already have. Walk away. I've personally dealt with someone like this....it's not worth your time or effort. You will always feel disconnected unless he acknowledges his behaviour and actively wants to change it.

Lifes too short, find someone who can give you the emotional intimacy you seek.

Maybe I am intense… but I think asking me to have his baby, him saying he wants to spend rest of his life with me and marry me is more intense than me saying he doesn’t seem to be able to engage in any sort of meaningful conversation. I can’t do weeks of endless small talk and walking on egg shells/told I’m moaning if I try and discuss anything about the future

I’ve been through the exact same, was definitely not married by the way. From the outset he used strong language to tell me how attracted he was to me and was not shy about physically making the first move always so I thought I’d have a great emotional connection also but noooo! He wanted us to live together and grow old together etc yet was incapable of having a meaningful conversation to say why. When we’re out and about it was fantastic and I fancied the pants off him but indoors just totally incapable of emotionally connecting with me at all no matter how hard I tried. It made me miserable in the end like being in a relationship with only half a person so yeah unfortunately had to end it.

Oh look, there’s another avoidant! ^

I don't see how you can have a future anyway unless one of you relocates? Everything else aside, if he is asking you to ditch your contraception while you're still in a long distance relationship with no real sign of that changing, then that's enough reason to step back.

He’s love bombing you. All the talk up front without the effort of getting to know you slowly and building something real and meaningful and committed together.

I have one similar op, so I really feel your pain. He just cannot or will not engage and it feels so dismissive. If I mention anything, he becomes defensive and spends the rest of the conversation explaining why he said what he said, rather than acknowledging the issue. I think it’s just how someone with this relationship style is. Fwiw I don’t think you sound intense, you just communicate in a different way to him. His responses were bizarre. He didn’t acknowledge you at all!

Yeah possibly! I suppose it’s coupled with the actual effort of the 10+ hour flights every 10 days to come see me, that’s really effort so it makes the words not feel empty but then refusing to engage in any sort of meaningful conversation or discuss real plans of our future. It’s completely messed with my head and is making me miserable