Avoidant/dismissive attachment- can they change? Pics attached

[lookingforadvice22]

Been doing long distance relationship for a while, his communication been an issue from the start. Short replies, all surface level chat/running commentary of his day and nothing much deeper.

Feel a real connection in person, we get on great, have lots in common and connection just feels great when together. He does all of the travel to come and see me, he works/lives in EU and travels over 10 hours every 10 days to visit me, so the effort is there in actions contrast to the shite effort in communication.

He makes frequant flippant comments such as “I will marry you one day” “we will grow old together” says he wants to be with me the rest of his life, asks me to come off my contraception and have a baby together BUT outwith these comments he refuses to engage in any sort of meaningful conversation about a future together, living together, feelings… anything. He just wants surface level chat and if I try and speak about any of these things he accuses me of moaning, dismisses what I’m saying, changes the subject and says I’m trying to argue. It is BIZARRE! He can’t have an adult conversation about these things but when I have tried to call things off he begs me, says I’m the most important thing in his life, he’s sorry/will try harder… look at his reply to my message saying he’s not giving me what I need emotionally and I’m going to focus on other things…

am I being unreasonable or is he mental?

Is this an avoidant/dismissive attachment and can they change or I have to be done with this don’t I?

Maybe he just doesn’t like communicating via text very much? It’s fine not to. It’s equally fine to want someone who does. It sounds like a lot of hard work when you’re not really on the same page. You don’t need to pathologise his behaviour, just accept that you’re not compatible.

Are you sleeping together? That’s the kind of thing men will do to get sex.

This is exactly it! Really defensive, I thought his replies were totally bizarre too!

Phone calls are all very robotic updates as well

@lookingforadvice22 then if he’s not married I agree with a PP, he’s love bombing you. There’s absolutely no reason to discuss babies and contraception when you’ve barely been together.

It will be very difficult for you to understand whatever is going on with him while being long distance.

I don’t think all love bombing is always calculated, my DP was like that in the beginning of our relationship and he turned out to be the avoidant type - I honestly don’t think he had any understanding of what he was doing, it wasn’t deliberate. But it took him a lot of other things happening and over a year of therapy to sort his shit out.

Some people are just not great on text? My husband is like that. But if you get on great in person I wouldn’t be so quick to throw in the towel. Maybe he prefers having these conversations in person? He doesn’t sound disinterested from his responses, more perplexed.

I’m not going to lie op I e been with mine for nearly 7 years and I’m considering finishing it for exactly the same reasons. He’s a good guy, but if you can’t talk properly when things are difficult, it’s doomed. I feel for you

If this is making you miserable, then I would move on. Life is too short to be with someone who finds it hard to commit.

OP walking on eggshells is a huge red flag so for that alone be done with him.

You are not compatible.

Download you chats and put them into chat gpt. Ask it for an unbiased assessment. It will tell you who’s avoidant and who’s not.

Is the avoidance of meaningful chats just online or in person too?

I was married to a dismissive avoidant for nearly twenty years and it was the most miserable soul destroying experience, like living with a lodger not a husband.

Started off okay, lots of wining and dining but as soon as I moved in it was like a switch had been thrown. He told me he wasn't going to entertain me and he didn't. He buried himself in his sport and then when his career took off he buried himself in his job too. Worked away at least three days a week, then all weekend playing sport, all bank holidays, used most of his annual leave.

Stupidly I kept hoping it would change when we had children. It got worse. He completely ignored me through the pregnancy and avoided any parenting. Any social or family life came from me. I was so lonely I filled the house with other people, running around entertaining them. He put on a good show in public though and looked like a family man. Outside he would stride ahead of me, couldn't walk side by side. Would disappear during any conflict or stonewall me.

The worst thing was the complete lack of empathy or emotional support. He totally dismissed my feelings, sided with my awful family when they did crappy things and made out I was overreacting. He told me I was expecting too much from him and was over emotional. I felt like I was going crazy, totally depressed and wrung out. It took a long time and the start of therapy to realise what I was dealing with. My family are avoidant so it seemed normal to me.

Is it possible for a dismissive avoidant to improve/change. Yes absolutely with a lot of therapy, probably a few years. Is it likely? No because they don't think there's anything is wrong with them. They've been raised to suppress their emotions. They're okay in their emotionless vacuum. They're independent and don't need other people. It's you that's the problem.

Save yourself. I now have a warm, securely attached partner who makes me very happy. Why would you deserve any less for yourself.

I suspect that he has more than one woman on the go as a long distance relationship.

I’m so sorry that you went through this and I’m so happy to read that you are happy now.

Thank you for taking the time to share your story, I think it will really make a difference to my decision x

Sorry OP but does he stand to gain anything like citizenship for eg by marrying you? The foreign travel element has thrown me so maybe he just lives & works abroad but is a UK national. Your texts look intense but in context you’re just trying to highlight (to us) what happens if you do something as significant as threaten to the end the relationship & he doesn’t even acknowledge it . It’s like saying the house is on fire & he just says oh do you fancy a cuppa? I don’t think you can have a relationship with someone like that I mean they need to be able to engage with you & reciprocate feelings, thoughts & empathise with each other’s points of view & perspective. It’s horribly dismissive but comes across to me as if there’s something wrong with him! He could be very aware of how difficult he is & how all other relationships have failed & so is just trying to will you to stay, say all the right things & then once you’re married you’re kind of stuck with eachother. If he gets defensive if you ever try to move from the surface to deeper or inner stuff that’s a major red flag I mean how do you form any kind of intimate or close connection to him if he’s that shut off? It’s v unattractive. Am sure you could do better. Him also maintaining long distance without fail ordinarily would be a real plus but here feels a bit desperate or like he doesn’t want to let you go. A bit love bomb like as another poster has said but not quite the same. Would make my hackles up tbh! I’d get out.

Bloody hell OP, that’s a bit heavy duty for a WhatsApp or text conversation!

Many of us blokes are not good at this stuff, and definitely not by text. Needs to be talked about in person, when you are both relaxed, undistracted, and have time.

And are you sure you want a relationship with someone who thinks it’s a good idea to feed his children a ‘basket’ of sweets, then another 100 rubbish chocolate (‘candy’) eggs? Poor kids will be obese in ten years, diabetic in twenty, and dead in thirty. I think I can guess your relative nationalities.😊

Yes they can change, provided they recognise how their attachment style is negatively impacting them, want to change and take responsibility for doing so, such as by educating themselves about attachment styles or seeking therapy. That’s not what’s happening here though so I think you already know he’s unlikely to change and know what you need to do.

So you can't be arsed to travel and see him but want intense conversations about the future.

If I were his friend I'd be telling him to sack you off.

You were in the next room, you couldn't hear what the lawyer was saying.

Why be with someone you have to figure out?

You sound very intense. And he is dismissive. Just dump. It's not worth the hassle for either of you

You said the connection is really good in person, so is this just an issue about communicating at a distance? Is he able to have meaningful conversation in person?

From his perspective I can imagine that if I was taking 10 hour flights every 10 days to someone that never travels to see me, AND then get told that I'm not giving enough to the relationship in some form I would be rather put out!

Perhaps you're anxious-avoidant and he isn't willing to entertain your anxiety so is acting very cool about it. I'm not sure what it means to say you're "stepping back". It sounds a bit manipulative. If it's not what you want then just leave? What does stepping back achieve?

On the other hand, if you have literally never had a meaningful conversation with this person whether online or in-person then I have no idea why you would want to be with them. I don't think they would have ever got past the first date stage with me. It's not important to everyone and people communicate in different ways, but if it's important to YOU then thats enough to end the relationship. Don't expect people to change; that's a recipe for disaster.

He's saying just enough to keep you on the hook. That is the purpose of it. There's nothing behind it because....there's nothing behind it. It's meaningless word salad designed to just keep you on that hook.

Straighten the hook and slide off and drop this one. Stop psychoanalysing him. He's a future faking head fuck. That is all you need to know.

They are ten a penny.

Why on earth are you with him? Honestly, ditch him.

I am confused as have zero idea how this could work irrespective? You live 10hours away including a flight presumably.

Someone will have to relocate in order for this to move forward.

It sounds as though OP has younger children, and the boyfriend has younger children (as there is talk of them enjoying their eggs etc). So, to his credit, he seems to be an involved father.

Basically, the only way this can move forward by even an inch is for someone to leave their children a long way away, yet both parties seem to be involved parents?

I cannot see how this can work. The whole ‘I don’t like his communication style’ is a side-path and no idea why this is being given any though when the real dealbreaker remains and I don’t see how that can be overcome?