Avoidant/dismissive attachment- can they change? Pics attached

[lookingforadvice22]

Been doing long distance relationship for a while, his communication been an issue from the start. Short replies, all surface level chat/running commentary of his day and nothing much deeper.

Feel a real connection in person, we get on great, have lots in common and connection just feels great when together. He does all of the travel to come and see me, he works/lives in EU and travels over 10 hours every 10 days to visit me, so the effort is there in actions contrast to the shite effort in communication.

He makes frequant flippant comments such as “I will marry you one day” “we will grow old together” says he wants to be with me the rest of his life, asks me to come off my contraception and have a baby together BUT outwith these comments he refuses to engage in any sort of meaningful conversation about a future together, living together, feelings… anything. He just wants surface level chat and if I try and speak about any of these things he accuses me of moaning, dismisses what I’m saying, changes the subject and says I’m trying to argue. It is BIZARRE! He can’t have an adult conversation about these things but when I have tried to call things off he begs me, says I’m the most important thing in his life, he’s sorry/will try harder… look at his reply to my message saying he’s not giving me what I need emotionally and I’m going to focus on other things…

am I being unreasonable or is he mental?

Is this an avoidant/dismissive attachment and can they change or I have to be done with this don’t I?

Why on earth does he think you'd want his baby!

The texts read that you've dumped him and he's responded appropriately. He's clearly a bit shocked and sad but being friendly back. You've dumped him so now move on so the poor bloke can.

Actually. Reading the text.messages again, he seems really nice! Happy birthday to his aunt :) and hope his kids had a really fabulous day hunting all those eggs! Sweet guy I feel

Completely agree and I'm the paranoid type who can find red flags in David Attenborough and Keanu Reeves

He definitely sounds dismissive avoidant. They LOVE long distance relationships...the space they need is built into the relationship.

For PPs saying he sounds like a lovely guy... they seem to have totally missed the fact that your concerns were entirely dismissed/ignored and then he starts going on about candy and his 91 year old aunt as if that is perfectly fine and normal. He didn't say... 'lets talk about this in person', 'i'm sorry you feel like that', 'that wasn't my intention' etc etc you got radio silence.

Even for an avoidant, that is pretty extreme. This guy will drive you insane if you stay with him.

Also don't listen to PPs saying that actions speak louder than words. The words and actions of emotionally healthy people match. It is that simple.

Avoidants love to say look at my actions whilst ignoring the fact that their patterns/ the shutting down behaviour are actions too. If I come fly to visit you i don't get to say look at my actions whilst also dismissing your concerns by chatting nonsense. That dismissal is intentional, he does not want to feel uncomfortable/ have a conflict - he does not care how you feel.

He's 10 hours away in another country. Its not working for you. The messages about him wanting you to come off contraception while living in another country where he has his children would make me decide he is just saying random things while not really making any real plans. I wouldn't bother with the arm chair psychology theories.

Does he need a visa? You don't say where he is from but if he is that far away and has to take flights in to see you maybe his visa is purely for work and he needs a wife to get a UK visa? Just putting it out there.

Thank you, I really needed that.

The scenario maybe sounds ridiculous but I really do love him and I’m hugely struggling with this.

Definitely not 🤣 he is VERY successful, he has two passports and reluctantly came up with the idea of spending 50% of time here to make it work, he wants me to go to his country which I could do/wouldn’t want to live there

You can be successful and still need a visa to get into some countries. What country is he from?

Would be easy for him to get a visa in UK. He doesn’t want to come here, it is definitely not about visas

You are welcome! As you may have guessed I have some lived experience of being with an avoidant. I wasted 5 years of my life with an invidividual like this.

It is hard because avoidants are actually not assholes. They are people with deep childhood trauma who can be really nice people - until their trauma takes over. However, the trauma prevents them from being good in relationships - unless they do the work.

I understand loving an avoidant, because I've been there. Out of the other side of it, i'd never do it ever again. I'm securely attached and am now in a relationship with a securely attached man and it is so much better than being with an avoidant - like a million times better.

If you stay with an avoidant, you need to accept that this is a man with low levels of empathy. You literally cannot empathise with someone else's emotions if you disconnect from your own.

I think most people who leave avoidants leave because one day they reach a point where they cannot do it anymore. The superficiality, the lack of accountability, the hot and cold behaviour, the pushing and pulling, the extreme need for space and eventually the loneliness of being with someone like this.

TBH i really regret wasting 5 whole years of my life with him. If I could go back and erase him, I would. I see now that I loved the potential of him, not the reality. I honestly wish I had known about avoidants/emotionally unavailable people much earlier on. I'm saying this to you because I honestly wish someone had said it to me.

Lots of love. Please remember you do deserve better than this. Your feelings matter and someone who truly loves you cares if you are not feeling good about the relationship. That is what love is. In the same way that everything he says is superficial, so are his feelings for you and his concept of 'love'.

The pregnancy/marriage stuff is 100% future faking. How long have you been together?

Where in the EU is a 10 hour flight from the UK?

Barbados, Florida, India...

It depends how often you want to have these meaningful conversations. If it’s every week I’m not surprised he avoids them. Most people only have them very infrequently, maybe you feel the need to have them more regularly is because it’s a LDR and you need them to feel connected?

The example you gave and his responses are the usual day to day stuff married people talk about all the time. I only have an indepth conversation when needed and that’s not very often.

I don't think this guy has any intention of moving op walk away

None of those are in the EU.

I know. Did she say EU?

Actually its confusing. At first its 10 hours travel every 10 days then 10 hours/2 flights every 2 days. If he is working within the EU then not sure how that is feasible unless he is only allowed on visa into the UK for work and has to get the eurostar in and out.

Second para of the OP.

Feel a real connection in person, we get on great, have lots in common and connection just feels great when together. He does all of the travel to come and see me, he works/lives in EU and travels over 10 hours every 10 days to visit me, so the effort is there in actions contrast to the shite effort in communication.

@AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti maybe the 10 hours include all the travel necessary? My country is about a 2 hour flight away from the UK, but when you add up all the transport needed to go from the town I live in to my hometown it easily adds up to 8 hours, if not more, due to transportation and schedule restrictions.

How long have you actually been together? To me, it sounds like an odd relationship and not completely from his perspective. Are you actually spending proper time together? Every 10 days flying to see you is actually quite a commitment on his end, definitely wouldn’t consider that avoidant or dismissive. But then what do you actually do together? Is it just you go out for dinner and he goes home the next day? Or do you have several days together and you do normal couple things like the food shopping and cooking and taking out the bins and talking about future plans and holidays.

It sounds to me like your relationship is perhaps very surface because you never get proper couple time together. So then you are coming at him really aggressively via text and it’s off putting.

Dh and I were long distance for 2 years. We saw each other about 3-4 times a year. But in those times, it was very much normal life, food shopping, putting furniture together, cleaning, cooking together, lots of talking and planning for the future. You have to build a foundation if you want it to work. If he’s just popping in for a night, that’s just dating and you’re not getting beyond that to establishing a proper relationship. But it takes time and work.