Avoidant/dismissive attachment- can they change? Pics attached

[lookingforadvice22]

Been doing long distance relationship for a while, his communication been an issue from the start. Short replies, all surface level chat/running commentary of his day and nothing much deeper.

Feel a real connection in person, we get on great, have lots in common and connection just feels great when together. He does all of the travel to come and see me, he works/lives in EU and travels over 10 hours every 10 days to visit me, so the effort is there in actions contrast to the shite effort in communication.

He makes frequant flippant comments such as “I will marry you one day” “we will grow old together” says he wants to be with me the rest of his life, asks me to come off my contraception and have a baby together BUT outwith these comments he refuses to engage in any sort of meaningful conversation about a future together, living together, feelings… anything. He just wants surface level chat and if I try and speak about any of these things he accuses me of moaning, dismisses what I’m saying, changes the subject and says I’m trying to argue. It is BIZARRE! He can’t have an adult conversation about these things but when I have tried to call things off he begs me, says I’m the most important thing in his life, he’s sorry/will try harder… look at his reply to my message saying he’s not giving me what I need emotionally and I’m going to focus on other things…

am I being unreasonable or is he mental?

Is this an avoidant/dismissive attachment and can they change or I have to be done with this don’t I?

OP, you don't sound intense. You are asking for clarity from someone who has asked you to have their baby but has given absolutely no details with regards to your future or support. You are right to be questioning this.

I was with an avoidant person and had the same experience. Totally lovebombed at the start but once we were living together he totally withdrew. Couldn't deal with the practicalities of life at all, even when our tenancy was up and we had to find a new home. I did it all. He just buried himself with work or gaming, literally every day for about 14 hours a day. When I brought anything up I was 'too emotional' apparently. I separated after a few years.

Obviously don't have a baby with him but if you want to give things a shot, make him outline his plan to live with you/ marry you/ provide for the baby/ in detail to test his commitment. Personally though, I think you should run for the hills.

You're very different people and want very different relationships. The long distance is an issue too so I'll call it a day on this one.

So you want this relationship only on your terms?

WTF? you think the OP is intense when he is the one suggesting they get married and she gets pregnant with him when he lives 10 hours away?

There is someone intense here but it's not the OP- it's him. If someone is suggesting marriage and babies then of course you have a right to want to talk about future plans and meaningful topics a little more deep than the weather or social chit chat. Marriage and kids are a huge commitment.

OP- he is very obviously love bombing you. Its called future faking whereby they promise you huge big things to keep you hanging whilst knowing they arent capable of actually doing the long term work that those things involve.

Unfortunately dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants are very unlikely to change without serious therapy and a willingness to recognise and reflect on their patterns.

They run hot and cold - the only thing consistent about them is their inconsistency. Having a relationship with them will make you feel utterly emotionally alone because they cannot deal with conflict in any shape or form, they just withdraw and stonewall. There will be times when they appear to show care and love but the moment things get challenging and involve difficult emotions they will run far away. If you pull back (and give them distance) they'll fight to bring you back in but when you are in, they'll be searching for an exit. Its an endless push/pull emotional rollercoaster of them feeling safer in distance and uncomfortable with closeness.

I would get away from this person - the biggest test of someone's authenticity is if their words match their actions and if his dont, then you need to really take notice of that because words are easy to spew out when you want to manipulate someone. Take notice of his actions, not his words. We can all promise anyone anything, doesnt mean we are going to go through with it or have the emotional skills to actually carry it through.

Honestly this is far too complicated and won't end well...wrap this up and find someone better.

It doesn’t sound like an avoidant dismissive attachment to me and I do have experience. Saying I want to grow old together over and over doesn’t sound like it to me, then again everyone is different. It’s hard to have deep meaningful conversations by text.

Worst case scenario, he's playing you.

Best case scenario, he's extremely emotionally immature, so he's able to say 'big things', like 'let's get married', 'let's have a baby', because that's what he thinks women want to hear, that's what he thinks proves a relationship, but he's incapable of engaging at depth.

You shouldn't have to teach a grown man emotional fluency.

Either way, this won't end well.

I love that you see the issue as

”he doesn’t like having meaningful conversations via text or phone call but does in real life should I continue this relationship?”

& not

”he lives 10 hours away by plane, I never go and see him & we both have young children in our home countries. Can this relationship last?”

You’ve got bigger fish to fry than whether he texts well!

He has been future faking, and only wants a fantasy relationship, for whatever reason.

Long distance relationships are great for people who want to avoid emotional intimacy, and that probably includes you too, OP.

LDRs need an end-game to survive, and you don't have one, except for a whole load of fluff. I mean, you basically ended the relationship and he's fine with it. He wants a pen pal, not a wife. Time to decide what you really want - and only stay in relationships that give you that.

I can't get over the fact that you're moaning about his messaging style whilst you have said to him you won't be travelling to see him, he has to come to you everyime. Impressive he hasn't run a mile!

I saw someone with avoidant issues. Didn’t work out as he avoided anything as he said he disliked conflict. I’d walk away.

In my experience do not have these conversations by text with someone you are in a relationship with. Talk face to face or on the phone. Be brave be bold and communicate!

Godz just end it all.

It's not working for you.

Id be not pursuing it just for the fact he has other kids in a country 10hrs flight away, so. id never have a child with him or marry him.

I'm a dismissive avoidant, any serious conversations by text make me run a mile especially when they're repeated because it makes me feel pressured and drained and that's when I want to run.
I'm trying to change how I am.
I'm also in a LDR, I've explained to my partner how I am and if we have any communication issues we now do it face to face. It works well as for him I can't avoid and for me I don't feel pressured.

Future faking sounds right.

It’s two flights every two days he takes to come see me. I said right from the start I wouldn’t want to do that kind of travel/spend that kind of money on travel so that it would be a short and exciting fling, he said he would be willing/happy to do the travel.

He makes flippant comments “you are the most inportant person in my life” “ I can’t imagine my life without you” “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” “can’t wait to make you my wife”… he also endlessly asks me about future plans with both our kids. Spoke about booking a holiday early next year with both our kids.

Any sort of serious/practical chat has had to be forced by me and I say forced because he tried to avoid it, changes subject, dismisses me and accuses me of moaning. Although he does the travel I often meet him in bigger neighbouring city or travel short flight to places in Europe to meet him so it is taking effort/time away from my kids for me too. I said a while back that I didn’t really want to continue with things and end up in something long distance long term and could we discuss any way we might be able to make it work/might not and could walk away. Trying to get the conversation out of him was painful but he eventually said he would look for a job that he could work remotely and split his time 50/50 between here and where he is from, living in my house 50% time and home with his kids 50% of time and that he would start looking to do it by the end of the year. Then it’s never been discussed or mentioned again, back to talking about the weather on calls/text and never a discussion of our future brought up by him but continues to ask me to have his baby and say he will marry me.

It’s totally messed with my head.

The guy, I don’t know if he is an avoidant or not (he could well be) but OP is defo an anxious drama llama.

You don’t start big convos on WhatsApp to ruin ppl’s Easter, you have them f2f when you see them, especially with someone whose native language is not English and who makes the effort to come see you every 10 days.

How long have you known him? What does he do that he can jet off on two flights every couple of days to see you? Who do his kids live with currently if he is planning spending 50% of the time with you and 50 with them? It all seems fairly odd as a set up to me.

Trying to get the conversation out of him was painful but he eventually said he would look for a job that he could work remotely and split his time 50/50 between here and where he is from, living in my house 50% time and home with his kids 50% of time and that he would start looking to do it by the end of the year. Then it’s never been discussed or mentioned again, back to talking about the weather on calls/text and never a discussion of our future brought up by him but continues to ask me to have his baby and say he will marry me

Good grief, thats going to work out well once a baby is in the mix isnt it?

RUN.

I'm an actions speak louder than words. Those actions are pretty committed to a relationship.

That message you sent would have me running for the hills. If you're wanting the deep and meaningful conversations without the actions to back it up then you're with the wrong person.

@lookingforadvice22 thank you for your kind thoughts. Just to add this isn't a one-way problem. I had a lot of therapy to deal with my people pleasing that led me to put up with such a one-sided relationship. It's been worth every penny, made me assertive and opened my eyes to my own behaviours that are self defeating.

My ex husband has now gone through another marriage. It broke down in lock down which I predicted. Being forced to stay home with someone would have been his nightmare. He's also dropped our daughter like a hot potato which is the saddest aspect of all. No attachment to her either. He will probably end up alone in old age.

He does sound avoidant and likely why he's picked a long distance relationship.
I think it could work between you, but you'd have to both work on your own stuff - couple counselling could be a good way to look at your differences while generating empathy

I don’t think you sound intense - it is obvious you are trying to emotionally connect with him and you are not getting any meaningful emotion back in return.

His reply is v strange - you’re saying it’s not working for you and he replies about Easter eggs and his aunts 91st birthday. He barely acknowledges what you have said. He doesn’t get it.

I think you are right to move on. How do you plan a future together if he won’t have a meaningful discussion? And to be wanting to impregnate you without a long term plan is a huge red flag.

Yeah, this.

It's beyond weird that OP, a mother of small children, is so intent on having a 'future' with a bloke who lives in, and has kids in, an EU country a 10 hour flight away*. That's the issue. Not his perfectly normal texting style (which sounds to me like he speaks English as an additional language).

*no I don't understand the geography either - maybe the bit of south America that is part of France.

Just end it

You can't have a relationship with someone who lives two flights away 50% of the time. And both of you with kids... And possibly more in the future. It's insane.

No, he gets in two flights to see her for 2-3 days at a time.

Eg fly to OP on the 1st, go home in the 4th, then maybe fly to OP on the 15th etc.

Not 2 flights every 2-3 days.