To not attend family gatherings as the only single person

[Sundaycoffee]

AIBU to avoid family gatherings as I find them too difficult as a single person.
I am one of 3 daughters the oldest at 39. My two youngers sisters (37 and 28) both have young children and the entire time they spend their time chatting about parenting. Their other halves get on well and obviously a lot of the day is focused around the children.
I feel like the black sheep of the family as I am single and childless (not by choice) and being the eldest makes it even more difficult to see my two younger sisters bonding over motherhood.
I come away from these gatherings feeling like the black sheep of the family and need to take time throughout the day popping for a break to myself as I feel quite overwhelmed by it all.
It's starting to make me feel like maybe it would be easier to miss them altogether but would IBU?

This can be very upsetting. I was mostly single until my late 40s so I totally understand how you feel. I did sometimes miss family gatherings because of this. I dreaded people asking if I was seeing anyone or telling me I'd better hurry up and get a move on if I wanted kids etc. Yes, there's always someone! It would take me a few days to get over the upset of it.

I admit I DID actually miss some family gatherings because of it. It depended on how I felt about myself my situation at the time. The problem is, you don't want to grow apart from your family because you hardly see them.

Could you still see your family but see each sister separately, on your own, so it's not an overwhelming feeling of being outnumbered? Or do you have good friend who come come with you sometimes?

Its nice to know that I'm not being totally unreasonable feeling like this. Yes I feel absolutely fine seeing my sisters and my niece / nephew separately. It's just the whole family gatherings I find difficult,but wondering if I just need to just "get over it"
I arrived about 20 mins after everyone else today and easter egg/ gifts had already been exchanged between families, leaving me to just hand mine out separately. "Sorry it was just so busy with the kids it was easier to do it straight away" DM also preceeds to take individual family photos of each of my two sisters and their family "SundayCoffee I know you don't like having your photo taken so I won't take yours" but this just because feels awkward having a photo on my own or with my mum and dad! While my two sisters get their group family photos.
I'm just worried if I start missing out on these things it will make things worse.

I'd just do what you are comfortable with. I don't like big family gatherings generally so I don't attend all of them. Or attend but for a short time. Like another poster suggested, can you arrange smaller gatherings just focusing on one part or the family like your parents or one sister.

Also, it sounds trite but comparison is the thief of joy. You probably have things going for you in your life that they don't, try focus on those. Hope it gets better!

Well, in our family, I’m the only one of five to have had a child (by choice), so ours are quite different. Certainly two of my sisters are much closer to one another, perhaps in part in choosing not to marry and to stay childfree, but I’m not going to get upset about it. Isn’t it possible they envy your single, childfree life? I’m happy with my choices, but when I stay with my closest single, childfree friend, I always look around her house and think ‘Here is a life set up to cater to the exact preferences of one person, and it looks pretty good.’

I think the difference here is that the OP is childless as opposed to childfree, so it’s not something she’s happy about.

On one hand, I don’t know this exact pain because I have DC so maybe I just can’t understand.. but in the other hand, I have sisters and we’ve all had various things that one hasn’t over the years. I mean, one sister didn’t get into uni, one still hasn’t bought a house, one got fired as others had their careers take off, one hasn’t got married and so on. I would urge you not to see it as your sisters have families and you don’t, and instead see it as your sisters being your family. Grab your sisters for a family photo and say “come on one of us three!”. Enjoy them as best you can and I bet they’ll be thrilled for you when / if DC happen for you in the future too.

Yeah, I guess I just feel like at my age the chances of it happening are now slim and unlike a career or uni its something that I am permanently reminded of whenever I see my family.
On mothers day my mum dedicated a Facebook post to her "two daughters who are now also mothers" and thanking them for bringing such happiness into her and my dads life. Obviously I got no mention at all 😅
It just makes me want to distance myself from it all and I feel like the black sheep of the family x

I kind of get it. Many of my friends have had kids. I do not have kids and never wanted kids.

I now find group dinners/weekend gatherings deadly boring and tedious as they revolve around either talking about children or wrangling children.

I have made a big effort to make some new friends and have a nice new group of people who are child free, it’s lovely. I absolutely don’t want to spend my leisure time hanging out with of helping with other peoples children, so I’ve had to build a new community for this.

Wow! That Facebook post sounds very hurtful - I think most people would feel the same about that. Actually, that would probably make me feel the same way as you OP, sorry you’re dealing with that.

Remember though, your sisters having children has nothing at all to do with you having them or not - it’s not a family quota and the situations between you and them are unrelated. Enjoy your current family whilst you pursue your future one. I do wish you every bit of luck with it all and hope you find your happy ending, whatever that may look like.

Yes, but I’m pointing out that the perceived bonding of other siblings is a thing even when you flip it, and that being married with a child can also make you the outlier in your family when everyone else has made different choices.

Your mum was a dick here!
If that had been my house I’d have taken yours as well, and said ‘I’d like one of the three sisters - Sunday,Monday&tuesday jump in’

or suggested ‘x child would you like a photo with auntie Sunday’

im so sorry they are tactless!

That was probably not intended to hurt, but it was not nice and I would have been a bit upset.

I wouldn't miss Christmas or parents birthdays etc., but I would definitely consider giving other get togethers a miss. I would try to pre-empt and make other arrangements.

Do you get on well with your dad? Could you talk to him about how you feel? "It was a nice post that mum did on mother's day, but I admit to feeling a bit sidelined in the scheme of things sometimes"

I'm the only single one in my family, and I get those feelings too.

But honestly, avoiding family is just isolating yourself. What do you hope to gain, long term

Yes, I have agree with PP. Your mum sounds quite insensitive. I am not surprised you're feeling upset.

Is the 'black sheep' feeling only since this situation developed or have you always felt less favoured than your sisters?

Can you talk to your mum and have a bit of a heart to heart? It’s got to be worth a try if you’re thinking of stepping back.

Oh your Mum's post was tactless. I think most people would be upset by that

Does your mum realise you’d like children? Maybe she thinks you are fine with being childless? I don’t think opting out of your family is the right choice to be honest, you are treating yourself as the black sheep rather than them doing it to you.

The problem is if you pull always you are isolating yourself and then when you need them it’s not likely to come as easily and if you do end up married with children or whatever and then suddenly decide to be involved again it’s going to be deadly obvious however will still stick out as they will have older children / teens while you have babies.

The Facebook post by your mother was insensitive and if let her know it hurt. She could have posted about how she loved all of you for making her a mother and still made a little comment about being a grandmother too if she wished without snubbing you entirely.

Thank you for posting about this as it is a good reminder for those of us with DC in different situations to be more mindful. It sounds like your family are rather unthinking and tactless and just very involved in their own experiences. Especially your mother with that FB post! She jumped in with both feet there and it might be worth pointing it out to her in a conversation. I would want my DC to talk to me if I was making them feel this way.

It must be very difficult for you but it would be even more sad to isolate yourself from a loving family. Please don’t be tempted to sideline yourself and perhaps consider joining in the photos and being fully present and visible.

I am from a blended family and depending on the combination it is easy for me to get lost in a gathering. The answer has always been to not shrink into the background because that isn’t where anyone really wants me to be. I have to be careful not to do that to myself and then end up feeling sad about it.

Yanbu for not wanting to be there because they talk about their kids etc but you really are bu for thinking you’re a black sheep. The single people st get togethers are inevitably more interesting than everyone going on about kids!!! (Mother of 4 here)

That FB post is very hurtful. I would have posted, "Um don't you have three daughters?"

Why would you punish yourself?

On mothers day my mum dedicated a Facebook post to her "two daughters who are now also mothers" and thanking them for bringing such happiness into her and my dads life. Obviously I got no mention at all

@Sundaycoffee Well, that was mean.

My God Mother once said she'd love to have a God Daughter, right to my face standing over a couple of pre-schoolers playing "Tea-party".
I reminded her that she did have one - ME!
She laughed it off, but it hurt a bit at the time.

You won't win. Maybe limit how may gatherings you go to. Put yourself first.

Well OP already said that she’s not single and childfree by choice; plus society is organised around validating your choices, so it’s not really comparable is it?

I’m sorry OP, this sounds really hard. I don’t have loads of advice on what to do but you are totally valid and NBU in how you feel. Xxx