To not attend family gatherings as the only single person

[Sundaycoffee]

AIBU to avoid family gatherings as I find them too difficult as a single person.
I am one of 3 daughters the oldest at 39. My two youngers sisters (37 and 28) both have young children and the entire time they spend their time chatting about parenting. Their other halves get on well and obviously a lot of the day is focused around the children.
I feel like the black sheep of the family as I am single and childless (not by choice) and being the eldest makes it even more difficult to see my two younger sisters bonding over motherhood.
I come away from these gatherings feeling like the black sheep of the family and need to take time throughout the day popping for a break to myself as I feel quite overwhelmed by it all.
It's starting to make me feel like maybe it would be easier to miss them altogether but would IBU?

Thanks to you all and it's reassuring to know my feelings are somewhat valid and that I'm not the only one who has felt this way before. DM is fully aware of how I feel. We did have a conversation surrounding it when my youngest sister got pregnant with my DN who is now 12 months old at the same time my other sister got engaged. However, it almost seems like she's forgotten it totally and is just so wrapped up in being a new grandmother that nothing else really matters.
I've always been very close with my sisters which I think makes it harder. Yesterday they were sitting as a foursome discussing parenthood while I looked on from my position on the floor!(naturally the couples got the sofas to sit on together, so I was resigned to sitting on the floor as there were no seats left!)
I have told one of my sisters this morning how I felt as she text me after i left saying I seemed quiet and she replied just saying " i can understand why you would feel like that" and that was it. I guess there's not much else she can say really!

Having read your last update I would definitely cut down on the amount of things I attend rather than dutifully turning up to everything every week (to be ignored and have to sit on the floor!).

I wouldn’t do it in a moody way, just be more busy, do more things for yourself, even if it’s just a quiet weekend with a book.

It’s really rotten. As someone who is permanently single and was childless (not by choice) until age 40, I feel the pain and feelings of “otherness”. Your family also seem a bit insensitive.

Sometimes there is no right answer - you don’t go and feel left out or you go and feel eft out. I always opted for the latter.

For some parenthood never comes, and it must really hurt. It may be that you have explored options, none of which are easy and can be heartbreaking to try. But if you haven’t, there are many ways to have a child alone. It’s not as scary as it might sound. Sorry if this last bit insensitive in anyway or hits a nerve xx

You are absolutely entitled to feel as you do - and your mother is a twat/bitch for her FB post

I had this once OP. Can you brazen it out a little - act "as though" you feel strong and good about your life and situation. It does work, as people react differently to you then. The situation you are "acting" then can become the reality. So as they used to say - chin up, best step forward, you have a lovely life - go to family events and share it, being at the centre of the family rather than feeling peripheral. Good luck.

I would say at this point your mother sounds awful and quite self obsessed. Imagine only recognising value in your children if they have had kids. Make your life full and rich outside of the family and gently step back from these gatherings.

Eek that sounds a bit of a callous response tbh. Do you think she felt defensive? I’m so sorry OP , I really feel for you. I wish people were more understanding about these things

Definitely step back. They are all tone deaf and it doesn’t seem that you are going to change that. Look after yourself and your well-being and see them when it suits you on a one to one basis.
it maybe that you like being an aunt and adore your niblings, but there’s also no shame in not wanting a close relationship with them or being the one that has to be the fun aunt, go to babysitter etc.

This smug narrow mindedness angers me. My 50 year old DD gets this. She lives in London where she never gets those bloody questions about boyfriends/is she married but when she comes up north for a visit there’s always the same few people who ask them. Sometimes they ask me if she “has anybody yet”. Since I replied with “I don’t know, she’s 50 and it’s not my business “ a few times, they’ve stopped asking me.
I advised her to reply next time with “Not at the moment. By the way how often do
you have sex?” 😀

I wasnt quite sure how to take it either. Do you think it does sound callous? I'm not quite sure what I expected to get back but it's almost as if she is saying yes I understand why you feel that way because it must be awful to be in your position, rather than apologising and asking what they can do to make me feel more included...

I didn’t read as callous tbh. Just acknowledgement but without any kind of adjustment.

Yeah this is how I would have taken it, she’s acknowledging what you’ve said and agreeing she can see that it would be hard

Would you expect something more? It seems a bit pointless articulating how I feel just to get a response like that. It hasn't brought any resolution and it's probably made me feel slightly worse than before if anything!

Genuinely, OP, while I absolutely hear your feelings of sadness and exclusion, some of this sounds a bit mad. What do you actually want to happen? Your sisters to stop talking about a major current element of their lives because it makes you feel left out? Their babies/young children to be left at home with their fathers? And the ‘naturally’ bit about you sitting on the ground sounds paranoid — surely whoever sits down first gets whatever seating there is available? And whoever’s last drags in a kitchen chair or whatever? I’m married with a child and am the one most likely to sit on the floor in my parents’ tiny house, because I like it. Marriage doesn’t mean you sit on the available sofas like visiting dignitaries!

What is it that you think your sister should be apologising for? Do you want her and your other sister to self-censor because you have a lot of unresolved feelings about being single and not having a child?

I’m married with a child

Yea, we guessed 😂🙄

I don’t think anyone has said her sister should apologise? But the idea that married people with children could occasionally demonstrate some empathy and take other people’s feelings into account - basically, could treat single childless people the way they themselves would want to be treated if they were in that situation - is not quite as wild as you seem to believe.

I think we’re all familiar though with married people with children who take offence at that idea.

Put it the other way round: you’ve got your husband to talk to about your marriage and kids, you’ve got your friends most of whom will be married with children, you’ve likely got your married parents, and in OP’s sisters’ case they’ve each got each other and have the opportunity to talk about the married with kids life whenever they see each other one on one. Society is not providing you with a shortage of opportunities to centre your marriage and children and discuss life with people in the same situation. Why is it so desperately important that you also have to centre those things at events that include your childless unmarried sibling? Isn’t this a bit of an opportunity to lean into other aspects of your life and identity? Unless you don’t have them which, maybe, you don’t.

I do get your feelings as I've been there but equally...this is the family you do have.
I'd try and reframe it and lean into it.
You've got 2 sisters who want a close relationship with you

Having kids 2 and under is hard and xan be all consuming so your mum probably is supporting "her babies" as best she can.yentsl health was awful for a year or so after both kids.

Is there a reason you wouldn't pursue parenthood alone ?
Sorry of i misread your posts, but it reads you do want kids

As I said up the thread, I’m the only one of my five siblings to be married with a child, which means I’m ’left out’ of childfree concerns. My two next sisters bond by going away together a lot at the drop of a hat, which I can’t, because DH’s job involves working weekends. But you know. I deal.

The OP said in her post of 15.15 that her sisters post suggests she understands why the OP feels bad but doesn’t offer a solution ‘rather than apologising and asking what they can do to make me feel more included’.* *

I’m asking what outcome the OP would like.

Your assumptions are quite weird, also. I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t live in a world full of straight married parents who sit about validating one another’s choices. My closest friends are a mixture of childfree people of both sexes, single parents, one by adoption, people dealing with complex divorces, and two lesbian couples dealing with the complexities of biological/non-biological motherhood.

I was out for dinner with three friends last week. One is longterm single and childfree, another is treating dating like a FT job and longing to meet someone while she’s still fertile, and the third has a teenager whose father, with whom she’s still in a relationship, has always lived in another country.

The world’s not that black and white, and it might be good for the OP to surround herself with different types of people dealing with different shit.

What do you mean? That ops siblings shouldn't be able to discuss their children/things they do as a family when op is there, that conversations should only be about approved topics? If someone in the family is made redundant should work become a verboten topic?

I don’t think I would expect more really, it sounds like they are discussing the big things going on in their own lives at the moment, children can be all consuming like that, and would you really want them to say “okay we will only talk about pre-approved topics with you OP”? I wouldn’t want to feel like my family are having to walk on egg shells and hide parts of their lives around me, so I’d be content with acknowledgement that they know it is tough and so that would then explain if you stepped back a bit or seemed a bit off.

They can’t help having husband’s and children, asking them not to discuss or bring their family round isn’t really reasonable, it’s about managing your own feelings around that rather than particularly them having to change I would say.

After that response from your sister OP I’d be distancing myself from some of the all-family gatherings. Your sister and DM know how you feel and aren’t making any accommodations.

To those PP baffled about what these accommodations could possibly be it’s pretty obvious. Have some other conversations not about kids, make sure OP is included in photos that aren’t centred around family units, include her in gift giving. Basically stop treating her like a tag-along after thought.

She’s constructing herself as the ‘tag-along afterthought’, though. I mean, she clearly has a lot of difficult emotions she’s struggling to come to terms with, and it would be impossible not to feel for her. But I think she needs to deal with them with a good therapist, rather than make them her family’s responsibility. I think it’s unreasonable to expect them to self-censor at family gatherings, or to apologise for their very ordinary, unexciting lives.

@PowderRoomof course it’s OP’s family’s responsibility to show some empathy and care. She is just as much a member of the family as anyone else. I’m the single without DC person in my family. My family aren’t perfect but there is no way they would act like OP’s.

I do think it’s quite callous tbh. You have told her how you feel- which is obviously a really vulnerable and honest thing to do. And for her to respond with that just sounds really dismissive and like she’s not prepared to make any effort to help you to feel better. I feel like there are so many things she could have said to make you feel like she cares, but she hasn’t. I’m guessing it comes from a place where what you wrote made her feel uncomfortable or defensive, but I still feel like she could have done better :(. How did you word your message?

"On mothers day my mum dedicated a Facebook post to her "two daughters who are now also mothers" and thanking them for bringing such happiness into her and my dads life."

This sounds like deliberate exclusion. The atmosphere revolves around your sisters and their children, they don't bother having you there for the eggs passing out and that post is terrible.

I would take an hour or so to meet up and discuss that with her. If it was an accident, she'd be horrified. If not, she'll make excuses and you will know where you stand.

Is there a scapegoat vibe going on?