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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not attend family gatherings as the only single person

109 replies

Sundaycoffee · 20/04/2025 15:22

AIBU to avoid family gatherings as I find them too difficult as a single person.
I am one of 3 daughters the oldest at 39. My two youngers sisters (37 and 28) both have young children and the entire time they spend their time chatting about parenting. Their other halves get on well and obviously a lot of the day is focused around the children.
I feel like the black sheep of the family as I am single and childless (not by choice) and being the eldest makes it even more difficult to see my two younger sisters bonding over motherhood.
I come away from these gatherings feeling like the black sheep of the family and need to take time throughout the day popping for a break to myself as I feel quite overwhelmed by it all.
It's starting to make me feel like maybe it would be easier to miss them altogether but would IBU?

OP posts:

Sharptonguedwoman · 02/05/2025 10:00

MoistVonL · 20/04/2025 20:18

If you avoid family get togethers you will feel - and be - increasingly sidelined. You'll not know about shared conversations, plans made, jokes shares, nor kept up with the news in everyone's lives.

When young children are in play, they will always be a dominant topic among families. Hell, we're only in families because they (our parents) had children. So it's inevitable there will be a focus on grandchildren and conversations about various stages of parenting. It's something they have all been through or are going through.

But that's not all there has to be. With my BIL it's a shared love of a genre of films; with my dad and my MIL it's birdwatching; all the adults are particularly competitive about Gin Rummy that follows all shared meals.

Finding other common ground that allows you to keep those strong bonds with your family is more likely to make you feel connected to your family than to pull apart and be The One Who Never Shows Up.

As for the Mother's Day post - I think you're reading in to it something that wasn't there. Mother's Day is about appreciating mothers. Your mum was congratulating your sisters on being good mums, acknowledging their roles as mothers. It's not for acknowledging all your offspring* Mothers. God knows they only get one day a year.

*I love that word. Blame Finding Nemo if you don't like it yourself. Mine are Offspring, we are Parental Units. Dude.

How hard would it have been for OP's tone deaf mother to post about loving Mother's Day with her three daughters?

MimiGC · 02/05/2025 10:17

I totally get where you’re coming from. I was single until 37, then met my partner and had two children in my early 40s. Prior to that, I definitely felt left out and awkward at family gatherings. Not so much with my immediate family, but certainly in the wider family of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I did avoid some big family events and whilst that was mostly ok, I feel huge regret about not going to my Nan’s 80th birthday, as she died not long afterwards. I really did cut off my nose to spite my face there.

MoistVonL · 02/05/2025 11:10

Sharptonguedwoman · 02/05/2025 10:00

How hard would it have been for OP's tone deaf mother to post about loving Mother's Day with her three daughters?

Show quote history

It would be about something different. She wasn’t talking about her experience as a mother to three lovely daughters.

She was talking about the brilliant mothers they have become. She can’t congratulate her daughter who isn’t a mum on being a good mum.

wildfellhall · 02/05/2025 11:38

YANBU
i think you should definitely do what feels right for you, maybe go less often and create a shorter attendance when you do go.

There is something to be said for taking control of your life & deciding how you feel about what who you are. Things are likely to change over time and if you invest in yourself and in growing a personal life with friends and hobbies or service or learning of some kind - a life which helps you become fulfilled - that’s the ideal.

The parent bore dynamic does change and I have to say I am now an aunt who is completely besotted with my grown up nieces and nephew. We are really close and when we all gather we have a great time.

So I would advise look after yourself but keep an eye on the long game and the great joys of family life

I wish you all the best.

the7Vabo · 02/05/2025 12:34

wildfellhall · 02/05/2025 11:38

YANBU
i think you should definitely do what feels right for you, maybe go less often and create a shorter attendance when you do go.

The parent bore dynamic does change and I have to say I am now an aunt who is completely besotted with my grown up nieces and nephew. We are really close and when we all gather we have a great time.

So I would advise look after yourself but keep an eye on the long game and the great joys of family life

I wish you all the best.

This, the long game. I would say if you don’t have children there will be period of time with your family that will be harder than others. But children grow up, and things will become more balanced again.

Work out what you need to do for yourself meantime.

the7Vabo · 02/05/2025 12:39

MoistVonL · 02/05/2025 11:10

It would be about something different. She wasn’t talking about her experience as a mother to three lovely daughters.

She was talking about the brilliant mothers they have become. She can’t congratulate her daughter who isn’t a mum on being a good mum.

Show quote history

True, but given her daughter she is struggling it would have been more sensitive to acknowledge the OP in same way - thank you to my 3 lovely girls who have made motherhood so special to me followed by grandkids.

Or better still IMO text her two other daughters as I have no idea why anyone much less older person who, I’m sorry to be ageist, shouldn’t need to seek validation on Facebook. I’m the OP’s age with 120 odd Facebook friends and a tiny number still share personal stuff on Facebook. But that is a whole other debate so I’ll leave it!

CloudPop · 02/05/2025 12:44

Sundaycoffee · 20/04/2025 16:42

Yeah, I guess I just feel like at my age the chances of it happening are now slim and unlike a career or uni its something that I am permanently reminded of whenever I see my family.
On mothers day my mum dedicated a Facebook post to her "two daughters who are now also mothers" and thanking them for bringing such happiness into her and my dads life. Obviously I got no mention at all 😅
It just makes me want to distance myself from it all and I feel like the black sheep of the family x

Show quote history

That’s awful of your mother. Really incredibly thoughtless and insensitive. I’m surprised your sisters haven’t pulled her up on it.

Sharptonguedwoman · 02/05/2025 17:16

MoistVonL · 02/05/2025 11:10

It would be about something different. She wasn’t talking about her experience as a mother to three lovely daughters.

She was talking about the brilliant mothers they have become. She can’t congratulate her daughter who isn’t a mum on being a good mum.

Show quote history

Then better to say nothing at all that divides the daughters.

MoistVonL · 02/05/2025 17:45

Sharptonguedwoman · 02/05/2025 17:16

Then better to say nothing at all that divides the daughters.

Show quote history

I agree.

But I think OP’s mum was clumsy rather than unkind. She was thinking in terms of mothers, what with it being Mother’s Day, and didn’t reflect on how OP might perceive it.

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