To not attend family gatherings as the only single person

[Sundaycoffee]

AIBU to avoid family gatherings as I find them too difficult as a single person.
I am one of 3 daughters the oldest at 39. My two youngers sisters (37 and 28) both have young children and the entire time they spend their time chatting about parenting. Their other halves get on well and obviously a lot of the day is focused around the children.
I feel like the black sheep of the family as I am single and childless (not by choice) and being the eldest makes it even more difficult to see my two younger sisters bonding over motherhood.
I come away from these gatherings feeling like the black sheep of the family and need to take time throughout the day popping for a break to myself as I feel quite overwhelmed by it all.
It's starting to make me feel like maybe it would be easier to miss them altogether but would IBU?

Your mum sounds quite full on op!

This. Honestly some of this is just very basic manners/social skills in ways that aren’t specific to married/unmarried, children/no children. If you’re in a group of people and most of you like Star Wars but one person has no interest, most functioning adults will realise it’s rude to talk exclusively about Star Wars, and try to lead the conversation on to something that everyone can participate in.

Have you ever actually tried to change the topic of conversation when someone is talking about their kids @ThatNimblePeer ? It’s impossible. I’ve been trying to do it for 25 years and still haven’t succeeded.

🤣

Honestly, though, I haven’t needed to. My friends with kids have rounded lives and other interests. And tbh even if they didn’t, they have manners and social skills as I say and I can’t imagine them just monologuing about their kids to people they knew might be childless not by choice. I do gather though that that’s not everybody’s situation.

Yep. There are a lot of married pp with children on this thread having a serious empathy fail 🤦🏼‍♀️

There are a lot of married pp with children on this thread having a serious empathy fail

Situation Normal, then?

Or pointing out to the OP that the only behaviour she can control here is her own, as so often? I feel for her, as I’ve said in several occasions. But she needs to sort out her understandably strong feelings about a situation she’s struggling with rather than expecting other people to self-censor.

OP that sounds so hard and it's reasonable to set yourself boundaries but it could be worse long term to feel more estranged from them.

Can you start planning fun, exciting reasons you might be too busy to attend, rather than hiding at home, which could make you feel worse. It will also mean you aren't sending the "don't want to" vibes which could cause problems long term.

Also, when something hits a nerve really badly, it can be worth really looking at why. Could you consider solo parenting, it sounds like you'd have a great support network? I wouldn't let ideas of how things should be prevent you from having a family at all.

Long term, I think you'll find value in the relationships you have with your sisters and nieces and nephews and would regret pulling away. That doesn't mean not making decisions that centre you now, but make them proactive rather than avoidant.

Take care

I remember feeling like this with friends in my late 20s when they were all having babies - I would happily see them individually even with their baby but in a group the chat was all nappies and nurseries and I felt so left out and lonely.

Op my only advice to you is to maybe see a life cooach and find hobbies and interests and passions that make you love your life as it is. This will help you enjoy yourself and be grateful for the fun you can have while childless and also this energy about you will be so attractive it might help you meet a man to have kids with if you are dating!

Your mums Mother's Day post was very insensitive to exclude you.

Ps op if you ever consider being a solo mum by choice find out if your family would support you with this.

Do you have a partner? Could they take the kids (either at the event or don't bring kids to the event) so you can catch up with family?

I’d expect more. If my sister sent me a message like that I’d want to hear more about it, how she felt, try to help etc. I’d also modify my behaviour and conversation at the next family gathering.

OP I think you should feel really good about the fact that you’ve communicated your feelings directly to your mum and sister, that shows you’re good at relationships and you’ll be in a good place if you do get in a romantic one. It’s disappointing they haven’t been more responsive but that’s their responsibility, not yours. Without disengaging from individual family relationships, I wonder if it is time to disengage a bit from the overall family dynamic for a month or two and focus on what you can do in the next few years to make your life as good as it can be, partner or no partner, kids or no kids.

If kids are something you really want, is freezing your eggs an option? Solo parenting as some have suggested on here? Adoption? Is it worth researching those options, the pros and cons, and making a plan about what you feel would work for you (including none of those options if they’re not right, but it might be worth researching?) And/or really focus on planning the kind of aunt you’re going to want to be to your nephews and nieces?

Re finding a partner, are you going out as much as you can, saying yes to as many social things as you can, and hitting the dating apps as hard as you can?

Separate from both those things, are there other things you can do to make your life as good as it can be? Promotion at work? Sort out pension/finances? Declutter? Making your home environment lovely? Pet? Travel plans? Fitness goals? New sports? Stuff that makes you feel excited for the months and years ahead? If you don’t have them already, I do think looking out for some female friends in similar situations might help, and then it’s not that you need to disengage from your family, but you will have other dynamics you can key into that feel more engaged with what’s going on with you.

You may well be doing all of this already, but given that you’ve been proactive on the family front, I think the ball is in their court a bit, and maybe it’s time to be proactive about stuff that’s more focused on you.

I am in the exact situation you are and I sympathize with you 100%. I am the oldest of three daughters. I am 65, never married, no children. This is not by choice, I’ve had a lot of past heartache and bad luck, never found the right man. My sisters’ kids are older now, and some of my cousins’ kids are having babies of
their own. It’s just a matter of time before my sisters become grandparents, too.
The family gatherings are all about the babies. That’s the only thing that matters. No one ever asks what is new with me or
how I am. It’s tiring, but, it is even more sad, as it brings up emotions of heartache and things not working out, and that I am alone. I have a lot of friends and manage to keep busy, but family gatherings are hard. In fact, many years ago one Christmas, my sister’s drunk husband took me aside and said, “You’re gay, aren’t you. You have to be because you never bring any men over to Christmas or Thanksgiving.” This struck a nerve and I was so hurt because, he was drunk and mean. Not only that, he has no idea how much I would have liked to get married and have a child. I replied that, no, I don’t happen to be gay; but, even if I was, what does it matter? He kept insisting that I was gay and that I could confide in him that I was.

I will never forget how hurt I was by this, especially at Christmas. This guy is a jerk, I wish my sister would divorce him.

I have a very similar situation to you just in reverse. I have a pre-school DS who is the youngest in our extended family by well over 15 years. All his cousins etc are over 18. This means that any family events are adult orientated to the point where a toddler feels totally out of place. As a result of this we don’t attend family events anymore and instead focus on friendships we’ve made with parents who have similar age children. We find that’s worked out much better for us and DS.

It’s a hard situation to be in, you want to be close to your family but also find it hard. I’d probably skip events like Easter but still do Xmas and birthdays. I’d try to see family separately so your not missing out on time with then.

I’m so sorry. Have you come across Jody Day? She speaks of the years when her friends had children as hard, then there was a bit of a lull I think and then the started on about the grandkids.

And the husband no words. How awful of him.

I can see where you’re coming from, my DSis was single for a long time and has no dc but has always been really close to mine and my brother’s kids - a doting aunt who was always babysitting or taking them out. I think this made it easier - do you have a close relationship with them?

I understand OP. My brother felt the same for a long time … and we understood that family gatherings were hard.

as time has gone on he is more accepting of his bad luck about children and therefore happier in himself and now enjoys family stuff again…especially as the children are all older now and so don’t dominate gatherings with their needs in the same way..time may change how you feel too.

I totally understand why you were disappointed in your sister's response. I would have hoped that she would have asked if there was anything they could do to help make it less uncomfortable/acknowledge that they should do more to include you.

I am the eldest of 4. Always wanted to have kids but did not become a Mum until I was 38 (as a single adopter) by which time my two younger siblings were parents and had 5 children between them. Although I was jealous of what they had I never felt excluded by them or less important to my parents. My siblings never just sat around talking about parenting though - that sounds boring as a parent! I also threw myself into playing with my niece and nephews and babysat them often. My relationship with them is very important and we're still close (we'll they're teenagers now so don't always want to be).

Is it worth talking to your other sister?

I think that it would be reasonable to reduce your attendance at these bigger family get together.

Hi OP

I am in my early 40s, single and no children (not through choice) and I completely understand. I have spent my life going to family events where everyone is in couples and has children and it can feel very lonely.

xx

That response lacks warmth and care. It accepts the issue but does not add anything kind or understanding. That’s not the response I would have sent.

I think this may be a ‘your family’ thing. Yes they have kids and that’s fine, but they also sound a bit self-absorbed and selfish. Some people just are like that, parents or not.

Oh that's grim and absolutely tone deaf. OP, I wonder if she would listen if you spoke to her about how you felt?

OP I think your feelings are 100% valid and I don’t think it would be unreasonable to skip or shorten your attendance at family gatherings at least while the kids are very young. That’s if you feel that the right thing for you.

I think it will (hopefully!) get better. Very young children can be an intense experience all around. I’d wager people talk less about an 8 year old than a 1 year old. A 1 year old has constant milestones, changes etc. So parents & grandparents take a lot of pictures etc. it will lessen with time I think.

And hopefully the conversation will become less child/centred.

I’d try not to let the family pictures bother you OP. I’m not saying I don’t understand why they do. Again, an older child won’t be standing posing in his sports gear he’ll be off in the garden or whatever.

The couch thing I don’t get, it’s the couch in your parents house, sit on it!!

I think your sister presumably thought it was enough to recognise your feelings. It sounds like you are close so could you try to discuss it. You could look Im happy for you, but could you put yourself in my shoes and see how it might feel to walk into a family gathering when it’s 3 hours of endless talk about children etc.

And also being an aunt is a role that can be very rewarding. I’m surprised by how much affection I feel for my niece & nephew.