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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help IL’s anymore?

90 replies

happyeasterevwryone · 20/04/2025 11:54

IL’s were selling a house and promised me first priority as they know I wanted a BTL property.

We used to have a good relationship even though I felt as if it was a bit one sided with me helping them out all the time and never really getting any appreciation, FIL especially has a sarcastic and nasty streak.

FIL has a habit of treating the people who help him like MIL, myself and his son badly but the people who don’t bother with him like his eldest son he treats them very well and bends over backwards for (hence why I don’t have much to do with him anymore).

Anyway I was paying the full price on the house and it was agreed I purchase it at the full market value.

Next thing the son they have not anything to do with for 15 years is getting divorced and is purchasing it at half the market price.

I couldn’t believe it.

The oldest son is extremely selfish, cold and self centred and is just a user, me, DH and MIL can’t stand him actually.

Its like they never even told me that they were pulling out, I had to find out from DH.
I am quite upset about it all to be honest and I have told DH I wash my hands of them and for them not to keep asking me for help anymore.

AIBU?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 20/04/2025 11:57

Definitely no more helping them!

Eggsboxedandmelting · 20/04/2025 12:02

Now you know your worth back away.

TeeBee · 20/04/2025 12:09

Well bloods thicker than water. He’s their son so would always trump you. Equally, its not your job to run around after them. Very rude c them not to tell you though. Now you can happily take a big step back and let them sort themselves out from now on, guilt-free.

TheHerboriste · 20/04/2025 12:11

Wash your hands of them.

pestowithwalnuts · 20/04/2025 12:42

Don't blame you OP.
In the future...if they need any help..and they will.. you can refer them to the selfish son

murasaki · 20/04/2025 12:45

Well it sounds like he wants it to live in, and you wanted to make money. And he's their son. They should have spoken to you though.

Original poster
happyeasterevwryone · 20/04/2025 13:22

I have told DH that it is not my responsibility to keep helping them and I am made to feel bad.
It has been like this for years now, any time there is a problem I am expected to help and spend hours of my time helping them, even with something simple as booking a train ticket.

DH gets fed up aswell as he does a lot for them and is met with the same nasty attitude from FIL.
He even says can’t XYZ help for once?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 20/04/2025 13:25

Neither of you should help them more than now and again, and leave them to work it out.

SunshineAndFizz · 20/04/2025 13:58

I sort of understand them wanting to help their son, but I agree they’ve totally screwed you in the process.

How far down the line were you - will you lose money on surveys/solicitors etc?

I absolutely wouldn’t be bending over backwards to help them in the future.

Elsvieta · 20/04/2025 15:00

Why are you expected to help more than your DH?

No, not U at all. Block their number and in future they can speak directly to their sons if they want anything. Advise DH to rehearse the phrase "Perhaps Selfish Son could help you with that" and then leave them to it.

AprilShowers25 · 20/04/2025 15:24

How old are they? Selling their house to their son for well under the market rate would be seen as deprivation of assets if they need care or possibly regarding inheritance tax.

afig · 20/04/2025 15:39

Perfect example of reaping what you sow. I'd take a big step back from helping them. Now that your plans are all up in the air again, thanks to them, you don't have the leisure to help them. You will be too busy researching other properties and not wasting time on ingrates.

Fifthtimelucky · 20/04/2025 16:54

If I were in the same position I would definitely give my recently divorced child who needed a home priority over another family member who wanted the house as a buy-to-let rather than to live in.

I don’t think the price difference is a problem either.

Obviously it’s annoying, especially if you have lost money on legal fees etc but if you were paying the market price, you presumably won’t have any difficulty buying a similar house from someone else.

Brefugee · 20/04/2025 16:56

Would you have told your DIL or just done it secretly, like OPs ILs did?

OP, i'd be saying "oh dear now i have to make up the savings i have forked out so far in the purchase process and have to research a new property. Good luck doing all the things"

then just block them and let your DH take over. Remind him he is not the golden child.

UncharteredWaters · 20/04/2025 16:58

TeeBee · 20/04/2025 12:09

Well bloods thicker than water. He’s their son so would always trump you. Equally, its not your job to run around after them. Very rude c them not to tell you though. Now you can happily take a big step back and let them sort themselves out from now on, guilt-free.

Surely thought if They see the OP as water and not blood the would have been better to take the full market value from her?
Then they could have helped their ‘blood’ with more money?

Createausername1970 · 20/04/2025 17:03

I can see both sides.

You were wanting to buy it to make money, but the family member (albeit a not very nice family member) needed a roof over their head

I understand how annoying it is for you, but I can't really find fault with your FIL - but he should have covered any costs you incurred.

But at the same time, I would take this as my cue to back-off and leave them to it.

Brefugee · 20/04/2025 17:46

the point being, sure, sell it to a family member. But tell the person you're already in the selling process with. That's just ignorant shithousery.

Redrosesposies · 20/04/2025 17:49

AprilShowers25 · 20/04/2025 15:24

How old are they? Selling their house to their son for well under the market rate would be seen as deprivation of assets if they need care or possibly regarding inheritance tax.

It's capital gains tax they need to pay (on the market value, not what they sell it for).

TheHerboriste · 20/04/2025 17:50

UncharteredWaters · 20/04/2025 16:58

Surely thought if They see the OP as water and not blood the would have been better to take the full market value from her?
Then they could have helped their ‘blood’ with more money?

Show quote history

Exactly. They shot themselves in the foot and screwed OP.

Be done with them.

Hatty65 · 20/04/2025 17:54

I would phone them up and say, 'Can I just confirm that you are selling the house to DBIL? DH seems to think that this is the case, but you've not actually spoken to me about it'. I'd keep my tone neutral. When they confirm it, simply say, 'OK, well I just needed to know where I stand' and ring off.

For every single future request for help I'd simply say, 'Oh dear. Can't BIL help?' in a vague tone. I'd do absolutely nothing. Simply keep repeating, 'I can't, I'm afraid,' if asked directly.

They will realise that they've shot themselves in the foot at some point.

Original poster
happyeasterevwryone · 20/04/2025 17:55

They are in their 80s but in very good health and very fit for their age and extremely active.

The house was valued at £300,000 and son brought it for £95,000 and took great pleasure in telling us his mortgage was only for 7 years as he had cashed in on his work pension.

I will definitely take a step back, I don’t know why they always turn to me for help, they never help me.
DH has told them to stop expecting so much from me as the other son should be pulling his weight more.

OP posts:
RosyDaysAhead · 20/04/2025 17:59

I’m surprised his mortgage company will let him but it for so much under asking price. It would send red flags of some kind of money scam. The IL’s would have to provide lots of paperwork

ThejoyofNC · 20/04/2025 18:07

I wouldn't do a single thing for them again.

You and your DH are married, so your money is joint. They were happy for one son to pay £300k but allowed the other to pay £95k. How on earth is your DH so accepting of that?

Tell them to go and ask the son who bought the house, each and every time they ask for something.

Lindy2 · 20/04/2025 18:15

The only way their son could get a very reduced price property, which he needs now to live in, is by buying from his parents.

You can buy a full price buy to let properties from any seller and you don't need it to not be homeless.

He's their son. Not having much contact doesn't change that.

His needs were different from yours and are arguably more urgent.

I can see why they did it. It's just unfortunate timing for you. There's no need to punish them for it.

Hopefully you'll find another property soon.

Brefugee · 20/04/2025 18:19

but it's cool in one respect, OP - every time they call you you can say "oh you have the wrong number you need BIL" and hang up

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