Page 3 | To not want to help IL’s anymore?

happyeasterevwryone · 2025-04-20T10:54:53+00:00

IL’s were selling a house and promised me first priority as they know I wanted a BTL property. We used to have a good relationship even though I felt as if it was a bit one sided with me helping them out all the time and never really getting any appreciation, FIL especially has a sarcastic and nasty streak. FIL has a habit of treating the people who help him like MIL, myself and his son badly but the people who don’t bother with him like his eldest son he treats them very well and bends over backwards for (hence why I don’t have much to do with him anymore). Anyway I was paying the full price on the house and it was agreed I purchase it at the full market value. Next thing the son they have not anything to do with for 15 years is getting divorced and is purchasing it at half the market price. I couldn’t believe it. The oldest son is extremely selfish, cold and self centred and is just a user, me, DH and MIL can’t stand him actually. Its like they never even told me that they were pulling out, I had to find out from DH. I am quite upset about it all to be honest and I have told DH I wash my hands of them and for them not to keep asking me for help anymore. AIBU?

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2025 11:04

With them requiring help, I know they were relying on me to help care for them from the comments that they have made in the past.

What comments have they made? What help do they ask for?

I would just say, 'no, I can't help-ask BIL' every time. If they didn't have the decency to even tell you themselves the deal was off, I would take my time replying to their texts as well. How crappy.

RealEagle · 21/04/2025 11:13

So where are they moving to?

rosehipstalk · 21/04/2025 11:18

I kind of understand why they prioritised their son in these circumstances.

However, now you can absolve yourself of any help for them now and in the future. You 100% know for sure now that there is zero reciprocation on their part so sit back, put your feet up and next time they ask for help, tell them their son can do it.

You are under NO obligation whatsoever to help them out, care for them, do any favours for them. Their son can do that from now on.

Ignore any attempts at emotional blackmail and get used to using and saying the word NO. It's not about tit for tat, it's about the fact that your relationship with them is completely one sided and they are using you. Its not ok.

mangochutneyjar · 21/04/2025 11:30

I have told DH that it is not my responsibility to keep helping them and I am made to feel bad
It has been like this for years now, any time there is a problem I am expected to help and spend hours of my time helping them, even with something simple as booking a train ticket

Dont feel bad, this makes my blood boil. Its always the women isnt it who are made to feel guilty for not running themselves ragged to care for in laws and never their precious sons.

Well fck that. Dont lift a finger for them- your BIL can help them seeing as he's now in such a great, comfortable position.

Do NOT feel bad for a second, you arent their daughter and even if you were it shouldn't be all on your shoulders. They clearly regret their decision- well tough shit. They made their bed, they can lie in it.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 21/04/2025 13:26

I have said this on several threads.. Op they see YOU as staff... Unpaid help.

Nothing more...
You know your worth and you can leave their entire shit show to their ds.. While you enjoy your own dc.... He can manage them. Or grow a pair....

HeddaGarbled · 21/04/2025 13:38

It’s a better use of the house for their son to live in it than for you to have as a BTL, IMO.

Feeling like they are using you is a separate issue and of course you can address that.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2025 13:42

any time there is a problem I am expected to help and spend hours of my time helping them

People can expect whatever they like. It's down to you to say yes or no.

If you want to spell it out to them, do so. 'You really upset me by agreeing to sell the house to me and changing your mind without even telling me. I think you should be asking other people to help out in future.'

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 13:47

happyeasterevwryone · 20/04/2025 13:22

I have told DH that it is not my responsibility to keep helping them and I am made to feel bad.
It has been like this for years now, any time there is a problem I am expected to help and spend hours of my time helping them, even with something simple as booking a train ticket.

DH gets fed up aswell as he does a lot for them and is met with the same nasty attitude from FIL.
He even says can’t XYZ help for once?

Who is trying to make you feel bad? Is it your DH or your in-laws?

Just ignore any guilt tripping and stop helping them. Your FIL can pay for help now that he has sold his home to his eldest son.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 13:52

happyeasterevwryone · 21/04/2025 00:15

From what I understand BIL was renting a house and didn’t have the means to purchase his own property and IL’s took pity on him and wanted to help
him out.

Do DH went over for Easter tea with them, I stayed at home with our kids.

Apparently they really regret selling the house to him (he moved into the house last week) as they expected him to help them more, be around more but he has been out every night and has shown no interest in helping them.

I have told DH I will not be getting involved from this point and I will continue to keep away, they know what he is like so they kind of brought it on themselves and I don’t know what help they expect from him as he is 63 and are probably more healthier than him.

With them requiring help, I know they were relying on me to help care for them from the comments that they have made in the past.
I told DH they can knock that on the head as it won’t be happening.

Well they are reaping what they have sown aren't they? You owe them nothing and don't let them guilt trip you into helping again, because, surprise surprise, their selfish eldest son has turned out to be a big disappointment.

Kdubs1981 · 21/04/2025 14:03

happyeasterevwryone · 20/04/2025 13:22

I have told DH that it is not my responsibility to keep helping them and I am made to feel bad.
It has been like this for years now, any time there is a problem I am expected to help and spend hours of my time helping them, even with something simple as booking a train ticket.

DH gets fed up aswell as he does a lot for them and is met with the same nasty attitude from FIL.
He even says can’t XYZ help for once?

Just stop.

RadFs · 21/04/2025 14:06

happyeasterevwryone · 21/04/2025 00:15

From what I understand BIL was renting a house and didn’t have the means to purchase his own property and IL’s took pity on him and wanted to help
him out.

Do DH went over for Easter tea with them, I stayed at home with our kids.

Apparently they really regret selling the house to him (he moved into the house last week) as they expected him to help them more, be around more but he has been out every night and has shown no interest in helping them.

I have told DH I will not be getting involved from this point and I will continue to keep away, they know what he is like so they kind of brought it on themselves and I don’t know what help they expect from him as he is 63 and are probably more healthier than him.

With them requiring help, I know they were relying on me to help care for them from the comments that they have made in the past.
I told DH they can knock that on the head as it won’t be happening.

Have they exchanged contracts? If not they might consider pulling out after seeing his behaviour

Ilovecleaning · 21/04/2025 14:07

Haven’t read full thread yet but knowing your ILs as you do I don’t understand why you involved yourself. You might have known there’d be trouble.

Waterweight · 21/04/2025 14:29

Couldn't get too worked up about this if you were purchasing it at market rate - purchase another near by.

As for helping unless they're begging/in actual need help is often not appreciated. So only do what your comfortable with

(Also to add oldest son is still his child so it's not the worst thing in world to be loved for nothing)

Original poster

happyeasterevwryone · 21/04/2025 16:01

The house sale had gone through.

He had been living in the house rent free for weeks (they let him move in as they wanted him to move out of their house as they got fed up of cooking & doing his washing).

The understanding BIL had between them was that he would help them more around the grounds and help with maintenance of the land.
All he has done is brought his new girlfriend down and has had her dogs of the lead on their land and make a mess.

Apparently they are really regretting is but it’s not really my problem to be getting involved or hearing about it.
BIL has the cheek to ask if I would do his gardening for him.

Im letting them crack on with it and will move past it but obviously I know where I stand.

MIL wanted me to go round earlier to discuss her issues with BIL

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2025 16:38

BIL has the cheek to ask if I would do his gardening for him.

MIL wanted me to go round earlier to discuss her issues with BIL

How are you responding to these requests? What are you actually saying to them?

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 16:43

happyeasterevwryone · 21/04/2025 16:01

The house sale had gone through.

He had been living in the house rent free for weeks (they let him move in as they wanted him to move out of their house as they got fed up of cooking & doing his washing).

The understanding BIL had between them was that he would help them more around the grounds and help with maintenance of the land.
All he has done is brought his new girlfriend down and has had her dogs of the lead on their land and make a mess.

Apparently they are really regretting is but it’s not really my problem to be getting involved or hearing about it.
BIL has the cheek to ask if I would do his gardening for him.

Im letting them crack on with it and will move past it but obviously I know where I stand.

MIL wanted me to go round earlier to discuss her issues with BIL

Obviously you have said no to going round to see MIL to discuss BIL and his issues?

What a load of cheeky fuckers they are.

MumChp · 21/04/2025 16:48

happyeasterevwryone · 21/04/2025 16:01

The house sale had gone through.

He had been living in the house rent free for weeks (they let him move in as they wanted him to move out of their house as they got fed up of cooking & doing his washing).

The understanding BIL had between them was that he would help them more around the grounds and help with maintenance of the land.
All he has done is brought his new girlfriend down and has had her dogs of the lead on their land and make a mess.

Apparently they are really regretting is but it’s not really my problem to be getting involved or hearing about it.
BIL has the cheek to ask if I would do his gardening for him.

Im letting them crack on with it and will move past it but obviously I know where I stand.

MIL wanted me to go round earlier to discuss her issues with BIL

Don't engage with it. I wouldn't bother.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 21/04/2025 16:52

Just keep telling mil you are too busy to call round.
And repeat..
Or forward the texts to her ds...

Poonu · 21/04/2025 16:52

It's their son. Parent/ child relationships are complex. You're their relative by marriage, not everything is transactional - it's not personal. Don't make life hard for your husband. It's a house - there was no discount. Buy another.

MumChp · 21/04/2025 17:01

Eggsboxedandmelting · 21/04/2025 16:52

Just keep telling mil you are too busy to call round.
And repeat..
Or forward the texts to her ds...

I would just delete the txts.

Crankyaboutfood · 21/04/2025 17:02

TeeBee · 20/04/2025 12:09

Well bloods thicker than water. He’s their son so would always trump you. Equally, its not your job to run around after them. Very rude c them not to tell you though. Now you can happily take a big step back and let them sort themselves out from now on, guilt-free.

were you going to move into it or buy as an investment? it sucks, but if my child needed housing i would probably do the same.

Ilady · 21/04/2025 17:20

I understand how you feel as I have seen 2 friends deal with a similar issue.

One friend of mine had a mil that had been pushing boundaries for years. One day my friend heard herself being slated by mil. After that her husband told mil not
ot to call to the house or ring them again.
A few years later the son called over an odd time to see his parents.
Mil was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and my friend has said no to bringing her to appointments or providing care.

Another friend of mine has a golden sibling sister that was helped out a lot over the years including getting a large sum of money. My friend meanwhile was left dealing with several difficult situations on her own and given very little financial help.
She is living on a limited income at the moment.
Recently her elderly mother needed help for several weeks due to health issues and my friend moved into her mother's home for this.
It was a real eye opener for her as of course golden sibling did the bare minimum. The other siblings were better but most of the load was on her.

My friend also found some paperwork and her mother is far from poor despite complaining about the cost of living.
Her mother of course made a few promises that have yet to happen. My friend has decided that unless she gets what she wants in the next few months she will be changing jobs for more hours and money. She said I won't be treated like the family doormat any longer.

In your situation I would be just to busy to help out your pile and tell your husband to do the same. Let the golden boy deal with the issues as they come up as they will with adults parents in their 80s.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 21/04/2025 18:43

@happyeasterevwryone shocked there was a 50% reduction for one son but absolutely no reduction for the other son's family?? that itself would be enough for me to tell them to fuck off for the rest of their miserable lives! at what point in your negotiations did they inform you that bil had bought the house???

Waterweight · 22/04/2025 06:09

happyeasterevwryone · 21/04/2025 16:01

The house sale had gone through.

He had been living in the house rent free for weeks (they let him move in as they wanted him to move out of their house as they got fed up of cooking & doing his washing).

The understanding BIL had between them was that he would help them more around the grounds and help with maintenance of the land.
All he has done is brought his new girlfriend down and has had her dogs of the lead on their land and make a mess.

Apparently they are really regretting is but it’s not really my problem to be getting involved or hearing about it.
BIL has the cheek to ask if I would do his gardening for him.

Im letting them crack on with it and will move past it but obviously I know where I stand.

MIL wanted me to go round earlier to discuss her issues with BIL

Love I feel for you but you should always have "known where you stand" in regards to the house.

If they have a child inconveniencing them & a spare property they intend to sell but don't need the money from it was the absolute best solution

You were 100% right though to not want to garden for him ?!? What the hell is that about. & Withdrawing yourself from unnecessary help

Maddy70 · 22/04/2025 07:49

While this must be upsetting for you, their sons needs need to come first as he's in the middle of a crisis. I would do the same.
You found out from your husband, so while they didn't directly tell you they told him
You are well within your rights to not help them further