To not want to help IL’s anymore?

[happyeasterevwryone]

IL’s were selling a house and promised me first priority as they know I wanted a BTL property.

We used to have a good relationship even though I felt as if it was a bit one sided with me helping them out all the time and never really getting any appreciation, FIL especially has a sarcastic and nasty streak.

FIL has a habit of treating the people who help him like MIL, myself and his son badly but the people who don’t bother with him like his eldest son he treats them very well and bends over backwards for (hence why I don’t have much to do with him anymore).

Anyway I was paying the full price on the house and it was agreed I purchase it at the full market value.

Next thing the son they have not anything to do with for 15 years is getting divorced and is purchasing it at half the market price.

I couldn’t believe it.

The oldest son is extremely selfish, cold and self centred and is just a user, me, DH and MIL can’t stand him actually.

Its like they never even told me that they were pulling out, I had to find out from DH.
I am quite upset about it all to be honest and I have told DH I wash my hands of them and for them not to keep asking me for help anymore.

AIBU?

You shouldn’t be helping them with anything. If they can’t navigate life without you doing everything for them - then it’s time they were put in a home.

It was a bloody stupid thing to do as it could have real ramifications of IHT and CGT if they own other property too. Any half decent accountant or solicitor should have told them that.

I would be telling them they'll need to rely on their eldest son arranging their funerals & to prepare for a pauper's funeral. But I'm petty

Block their numbers and be done with it.
Why you have tolerated your FIL is beyond me.

Stop giving out about them and take action.
Block their numbers and tellbyour husband you don't want to hear a word about either of them going forward.

To be honest, giving it to a divorced child rather than someone who wants a buy to let would seem ok to me. But not telling you themselves is shitty.

Yes capital gains tax as well, I didn’t think of that. I’m thinking of if they need to pay for care in the next few years and run out of money, it will be looked at as a deliberate deprivation of assets.

Well that is your cue to step back and let BIL help them.

Yeah wonder how smug BIL will be with his bargain if they are assessed as needing funding when their own money runs out and he needs to fund the shortfall.

Fuck those people. Don't give them another thought or ounce of your energy.

From what I understand BIL was renting a house and didn’t have the means to purchase his own property and IL’s took pity on him and wanted to help
him out.

Do DH went over for Easter tea with them, I stayed at home with our kids.

Apparently they really regret selling the house to him (he moved into the house last week) as they expected him to help them more, be around more but he has been out every night and has shown no interest in helping them.

I have told DH I will not be getting involved from this point and I will continue to keep away, they know what he is like so they kind of brought it on themselves and I don’t know what help they expect from him as he is 63 and are probably more healthier than him.

With them requiring help, I know they were relying on me to help care for them from the comments that they have made in the past.
I told DH they can knock that on the head as it won’t be happening.

Well, they made their bed......

I don't see a problem with them selling to him given he wanted to live in it and you didn't, but they expected him to help, and you have no obligation to do so just because he isnt. Hold firm.

Of course they did. Of course he won't.

Leave them to it. Their choice.

This reminds me of my parents. Different situations but they essentially fucked me and my sister over financially in favour of our brother. It caused a massive rift. Now brother has had all the money he can out of them he doesn’t visit and doesn’t help. I do a bit as i can’t leave the elderly with no help but there is no social visits or keeping in touch from me or sister. Now mother is sad and lonely and realising the result of always favouring the golden child so significantly: he’s to spoilt to care about her and daughters are to hurt to more than our duty. Sucks for her. Let your in laws reap what they have sown don’t help anymore

I can understand them wanting to make sure their son is taken care of, but they have to have known that he was not going to be helpful AND that reneging on your deal would be hurtful to you. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not want to help them anymore. As a previous post stated, they’ve made their bed, now they need to learn to live with the consequences. Additionally, your FIL needs to finally learn that he just can’t treat people terribly and expect them to help him.

Tbh you don't own your parents. I would refer her to the golden child for any help.

This surprisingly is not uncommon and very sad.
House and money handed to the male son who is nowhere to be seen and then hurt surprise when daughters step away permanently.

Three sisters I know were reared with complete favouritism and haven't had anything to do whatsoever with their parents in 20 years.
Despite living 10 minutes away.
Their brother moved to the states with his job and settled after selling the family home he had been gifted.
All their neighbours know what they did and that their daughters ceased contact and that has been shameful for them as it was viewed as such a wrong thing to do.
No sympathy at all.
None of them feel the slightest obligation to be involved.

I know of many cases where both free childcare and assets were gifted and golden child just never bothered to visit bar a couple of times a year, and again parental surprise when they never see their daughters or other grandchildren now that it suits.
Such foolishness.

Perfect time to step back from any feeling if duty and to spitefully hope they have a nice big, unexpected CGT bill to pay. They could well come up against deprivation of capital later in life too.

The key thing is to tell your husband to no longer mention them or anything about them.
They are not your concern and you do not wish to fall out with HIM over his parents.

My friend did this years ago with her husband after years of them favouring his brothers family.
She retired as a nurse and they seriously thought she would help with appointments and care.
She hasn't gone near them.
They never bothered with her or her children for 20 years so how they manage this period of their lives is down to them.
Her BIL actually said he expected her to be of help. He was very firmly put in his place.

This!!!
they’re still living in the property so they still benefit from it so it’s not as sensible as the brother seems to think.

I would have absolutely nothing to do with them. They sound vile.

So glad you’re not going to help them anymore. Don’t even help once, as they’ll just keep expecting it.

@happyeasterevwryone I really hope that they need paid for care (that they can't afford now) in the next 7 years because this house sale will be classed as depreciation of their assets

Always a possibility to speak to them and see what they say. Try to have an adult conversation about what happened etc. or yes you can go straight to never helping them again and having almost no relationship. Both options totally on the table

Well, you're definitely off the hook for any more helping them, so I'd take the win, step back and keep out of the forthcoming financial shenanigans.

They’ve already had a conversation. Women don’t exist to help every elderly parent let down by a son.

There you go, sorted! You could even add it to your answerphone message so you don't even need to pick up...