To think somethings wrong with DD(4)

[yikesorbikes]

DD is the 6th 4 year old I’ve raised including SC and I’ve worked with children in the past so am not an anxious FTM.

School haven’t shared any concerns, everything is just put down to her being the youngest but there are several children with SEN and as she’s doing well academically and not particularly disruptive I do think she gets overlooked.

I’ll try not to make it too long but this is an overview of my main concerns.

-She hasn’t made any friends. She’s not shy and is perfectly good at communicating just chooses to run around and play on the obstacle trail on her own at school
If I ask her about who she likes and who she talks to she only has bad things to say about everybody. She doesn’t want anyone from her class at her birthday for example.

-She has a very active imagination, spends a lot of time making up really detailed stories in her head that she remembers months later. She can entertain herself for hours with a pen and paper writing stories and drawing pictures. This has lead to a lot of lying, most of the time it’s just that she saw something flying or an animal spoke to her but she has said more serious lies such as someone hurting or saying something horrible when they didn’t. Sometimes I don’t know if she knows that she’s lying.

• she doesn’t really have any fear or risk aversion, will climb and jump off anything.

When she falls she just gets up, she hasn’t cried from pain for over a year despite always being covered in bruises and scabs. She also doesn’t really ever seek out comfort or reassurance.

-She’s quite morbid and obsessed with ghost and monsters. She will talk about things like death, fights, fire and people getting hurt often which has upset other children and which she doesn’t seem to understand.

• She’s very critical of others and herself, will say she/they are stupid and pointless for not being able to do certain things. She’s also said things like someone isn’t allowed to do something nice or fun because they didn’t do something else well enough.

AIBU to be concerned? Does this sound normal to you?

You're not being unreasonable in my opinion, something worth exploring for sure. Best wishes to you both ❤️

I think it's worth investigating. You're her mum and you're experienced so trust your instincts. The earlier she sees a child psychiatrist the better. 💗

Thankyou.

I have voiced concerns to friends/family and to her teachers and GP when we were last there and they either felt she was doing well or suggested Autism or ADHD.
I have done a lot of research on both and don’t feel she fits either. Everything else seems a lot more complicated and not very spoke about or understood.

I think I’m also concerned about making her think there’s something wrong with her especially if it’s not going to be straightforward . She’s happy and I think that idea would change that.

Many girls don't fit the classic autistic profile because they present differently from boys. As a SEN educator >15 years and teacher >25 years, I would recommend autism assessment.

Yes I hear your concerns. If there is a diagnosis to be made, you may find it will become more apparent when she gets older e.g. 7-10 yrs old. It may be a case of watch and wait, as long as she's happy and progressing. Lots of talking through situations and reflection will be helpful in the meantime.

Thankyou, I agree it’s worth looking into it further. It is what I initially assumed but from researching didn’t feel she met the criteria or that it explained all behaviour.
things that didn’t fit-

• No sensory issues, will eat and wear anything. Fine with hygiene, showering, brushing hair and teeth etc.
• Can hold a conversation and eye contact well. Doesn’t appear shy or socially immature.
• No stimming behaviour
• Not bothered by change in plans or routine, if anything likes things changing.
• Not sensitive, can manage her emotions, no outbursts or meltdowns

-No special interests interest. I know I said she was obsessed with ghosts and monsters but it doesn’t feel obsessive or restrictive. She has lots of other things she likes probably more it’s just this interest is more disruptive

Special interests in girls can just be stuff like collecting teddies or clothes.

Mine collected Jellycats, then cushions, then plants. Then became obsessed with Taylor Swift. All quite normal stuff.

She sounds like an imaginative kid. I'm not really sure what your concerns are?

I think there's a lot of people who have autistic tendencies but have gone undiagnosed, especially in the past. I think if it's not disrupting anything, it's fine to let it go. If it starts impacting her life or making it hard to manage then by all means pursue a diagnosis. I know a senco who decided not to get her daughter diagnosed as she doesn't believe it would be beneficial to her
She's Y11 and doing fine, a little quirky but fine. The same with a friend of mine and her son who is now Y10 and had very clear markers from quite young. On the other hand, I know plenty of people who have gone for a diagnosis.

My point is that it's a personal decision, not something you HAVE to do. You know your child and whether you think it would help or hinder them. I'm undecided on what's best but generally I think if milder autistic traits aren't disrupting life then you don't need a diagnosis. People are allowed to be a bit different/ quirky and the sooner we accept that without requiring a reason, the better.

The thing is if none of it is causing her problems in day to day life, she will probably not meet criteria for any diagnosis.

I would probably try listening to some podcasts/reading some books about how autism/ADHD presents in girls to see if any of it feels familiar/useful - if it is helpful, then it helps and if it doesn't feel right then you haven't lost anything except a bit of time and you've gained some knowledge.

I loved Neurotribes, and Letters to my Weird Sisters is supposed to be good though I haven't read it. I haven't found that much helpful for ADHD in children - I have more about adults.

For podcasts I've been enjoying Weirds of a Feather recently.

Can she feel physical pain? This stood out to me from your op.

In all honesty i dont understand what the concern is that sounds normal to me? This is exactly what i was like as a kid and my best friend and my dd.

I don’t know exactly. Something just seems off, she’s so different to my other children. Despite being the most independent one and one who has hit everyone milestone early and causes the least trouble I probably worry about her the most and find parenting her the most difficult.

I think I find the never crying or seeking out comfort from me the hardest and the fact she doesn’t want a birthday party or any children round for play dates as she doesn’t like anybody yet her teachers say everyone wants to be her friend and she gets on with everybody .

She sounds like me as a kid, though I did make friends later. 4 is still really little.
I had a vivid imagination, lots of imaginary friends with complicated backstories. Used to daydream ongoing stories that lasted months.
I'm not diagnosed with anything and had a pretty successful school life. Now a teacher with kids of my own.
I don't really fit any of the boxes but my best guess is adhd. I'm messy and scatty still but reliable at work and pay bills fine.
If she's happy and achieving, I'd let her be herself. Xx

Any chance she could "just" be very intelligent and creative and needs special provision in that sense?

You've just described me as a child. I was very self contained. Still am to a degree or maybe I've just learnt to act like everyone else round me.
I certainly tick lots of ND boxes.
I was just the odd kid.

She definitely has a very high pain tolerance.
She’s smashed out her front baby teeth that weren’t loose, needed stitches and wounds glued shut etc but didn’t cry or want comfort. She’s never really complained of having a stomach ache or anything even when she’s clearly got a bug.
But I do think she feels pain, she tenses and goes quieter for example like shes trying not to show it.

She sounds a little like me. It may be she us your first intelligent, imaginative, introverted child. That said, I'm also possibly neurodivergent, but it's never affected me enough to get an diagnosed.

I was very imaginative when you'd and lived a lot of the time in a parallel universe in my head. I didn't like other children (too stupid, too fickle, too many rules I couldn't figure out). If I hurt myself, I'd be embarrassed and wouldn't want the fuss and physical contact from fussy adults.

She could just be quirky. Possible adhd - inattentive profile? if you wanted to keep an eye out for something.

Mine lack emotional awareness and effective empathy- very common in adhders. Had to be taught empathy - I did much social stories and role play.

Had very little interest in people as they didn't follow their agenda

The drawing could be classed as hyper focus

Lying is common in adhders for many reasons linked with adhd

Have a look at sensory processing disorder as well. Could explain high pain threshold

This, a diagnosis will only help if issues at school. Otherwise just accept her individuality for the time being and support at home x

What was she like as a baby? Did she cry for you or seek comfort then?

I guess she doesn’t need extra support in school so I don’t know how a diagnosis would actually help her now.

I’m just predicting that her ‘personality’ may cause her problems as she gets older and don’t want to have let her down by missing warning signs but maybe I need to wait for that to happen and be more accepting how she is.

This sounds like my youngest in some ways. She's very independent and would rather do her own thing than fit in with class mates. She's confident but didn't want to compromise to play their games. She's made more friends this year though (she's 6).
There might be some ND in her case but I do think a lot of it is her enjoying some autonomy when she can as a lot of her day to day life is having to keep up with her older siblings or having to fit in with the family plans . Plus she's used to playing games with older children than her and I don't think she knew how to play with her peers at first when she went to school.

In your case I would keep observing but not actively seek any further intervention until you see where she is unhappy or needs extra help.

She sounds like a person with Low Sensitivity

Not easily tired, not affected by heat, cold, rejection by others, physical pain, hunger etc. Can just power on. Doesn't notice other's emotions nor complain much.

Does this sound like her?