To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

[ThisSereneSnail]

Split finances = split energy.

How sad - he could loose his job after your marriage or become impotent through illness. Would you not support him financially and emotionally?

And being able to perform doesn't guarantee fertility.

If a man said "I wouldn't want a barren wife because I want children" there would be uproar.

I get it, we’re all different. I have no interest in building a career or taking orders off another adult. And I can still outsource whatever I wish to (while it’s finacially viable).

It’s perfectly reasonable though for either man or woman to want biological children more than stay in a relationship with someone who can’t give them that. I would rather my husband leave if that was our situation than stay and be resentful. Depends what their priorities are.

Well you see, I do think women are divine and I believe we are all love and god is love.

It sounds mercenary rather than harsh

OP, are you that poster who proudly announced that she sits on the floor while her husband sits on the sofa so that he can feel "above" her?

It's about what suits your relationship. But life tends not to work out how you plan.

Iv been the main wage provider and dh a sahp, we have reversed roles, we have both worked. We are a team and do what we deem best for our family.

I think your thinking is very rigid. If the man is the main earner what happens if he gets sick or runs off with another woman?

But to say you wouldn't marry someone with performance issues because you want children is very different to knowing it was absolutely impossible. An impotent man might be fertile and with treatment could father children.

A man with no performance issues may never be able to father children. But who knows til he tries?

A woman who is specifically looking for someone to father their children may end up being unable to conceive or carry to term.

These aren't things you know til you try. And most people won't try til they're married. Especially very religious people.

What are you smoking?

Well exactly. She can barely hide her contempt. The man providing the bulk of the money doesn’t make someone love him more or make him loveable. Being emotionally available and supportive can make a man loveable. It seems to me that OP is willing to sacrifice a man being emotionally intelligent as long as he compensates by paying the bills.

If he lost his job I'd support him in this job search to find a new job. If he had ED I'd support him with curing the ailment.

But should I stay married if he never ever got a job again? If he was unable to ever have sex with me, should I stay in a sexless marriage?

I’d never be resentful of DH if he hadn’t been able to give me children. He’s not a sperm donor. Our relationship is stronger than that.

😵‍💫

A good marriage is supporting each other through the good and bad times. Having a family and a good sex life is only part of a loving relationship.
If you’d were unable to have children, would he leave you?

So you haven’t got kids and it sounds like you’re not currently in a relationship.

He'd be well within his rights to if he wanted to. If I was physically unable to have intimacy due to health issues I'd understand even more.

Doesn’t sound like a marriage - just an arrangement of convenience

Me neither but I do understand everyone is different!

I do understand but everyone has different priorities and we should respect them.

I would never have ivf for example, so if it transpired that I couldn’t conceive naturally and my husband really wanted kids - I would not have ivf - I would also understand if that meant he wanted to find someone else.

I just don’t understand why people are so concerned about other peoples dynamics are?

I hope you don't mind me picking up in your user name, but if you suffer with OCD, do you feel that is some of the reason why you feel more at peace at home, where you can control your environment a lot more?

I would be prepared for the teen years coming as a shock when you have to let go a bit.

I would also worry that hiding away at home is putting a sticky plaster over what is a really life limiting condition.

I am not trying to pry, but I assume from including your diagnosis in your user name you are open to discussion around it?

I can't understand how you would choose a person to spend the rest of your life with, but with caveats before you even get there. Such as if you're unable to provide me with children despite both wanting them, or you can no longer provide financially, then sorry but my vows meant nothing?

Deception or deliberate mistreatment are different. But do people genuinely not choose the person?

That’s a good question and maybe there is some truth in that it makes it easier to navigate now I’m unwell, yes.

I also very much know that as my kids approach their teenage years it’s going to be very challenging! I have been in therapy and slowly getting better so hopefully that will continue as I get I will need to let go a lot.

It’s also true that since I was a teenager I always knew I wanted to be a mum. I could never understand the desire to try and excel in a career and really just wanted to raise babies and be a housewife! So much so that when I met my husband I was very clear about what I wanted. I wouldn’t have settled down with a man who didn’t share those same values.

I feel very fortunate to be able to stay at home doing what I love, and also it does feel safer for me yes, now juggling ocd.

For what it’s worth, I was a very wild teenager without ocd when I met my husband so it wasn’t like I was scared to go out etc or leave the house (I’m not like that now either). I just always wanted to be a SAHM even before ocd.

I get it, but we don’t have to understand everything / everyone.

People really love to come on the internet and spout any old nonsense.