To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

[ThisSereneSnail]

Split finances = split energy.

Sounds a very sad life - sorry for you.

Who is she?

Yeah I agree that money doesn’t equal loyalty - I’ve never said it does. Loyalty, character and emotional maturity are non-negotiables in any relationship for me, no matter what someone earns.

When I speak about masculine provider energy, I’m not reducing relationships to salary brackets or saying that someone’s income guarantees a stable, respectful dynamic. I’m talking about a partner who wants to lead financially as part of how he shows care, protection, and long-term thinking - not someone who uses money as leverage or control.

And yes, I absolutely believe in teamwork and leaning into your strengths but that doesn’t mean I ignore the kind of dynamic I know I thrive in. Some people love a perfectly even split in everything; others (like me) feel more in flow when we’re contributing differently but equally. It’s not about one way being better - just being honest about what alignment looks like for you.

I respect your setup and love that it works for you. But what feels right for one couple might feel off for another - and that’s okay.

I don't care what some nobody online thinks, lol.

The Implication when you say you are a woman with “standards” is that those of us who believe in equality and proportionality do not have “standards”.

I’m not going to go into the details of my relationship because it’s none of your business and you contradict yourself when you comment on other people’s arrangements.

However, your pontification on the rights of your own relationship as somehow “better” fails to consider that the balance you have leads to abuse and violence towards women in other relationships. That men force that disproportionality onto women who don’t want it or who don’t realise the trap it can be.

Surely we should all be seeking to create an environment where men and women’s respect each other and play an equal role in terms of emotional labour. You’re just accepting that it’s your responsibility to be kind to a man when he should learn that kindness is something he is responsible for as well. And you are teaching your children the same.

Personally I prefer to change the world rather than accept its inherent unfairness. And I do have standards, so don’t imply that your way is the better, best or only way.

And unless you can scientifically prove gendered “energy”, I suggest you say it as it actually is: that you’re happy to take on all the additional responsibilities as long as he pays the bills. Because it sounds to me as if you just want to be a kept woman.

And it’s interesting how quickly that gets written off as either a “wind-up” or a risk, rather than a valid preference that many people manage responsibly.

I think it's a wind up because you're spouting vacuous phrases bollocks that sound like they were put together by AI or by somebody who's overdosed on UHU.

Can you not show care, protection and long term thinking - these a characteristic that everyone should have in abundance. Something we taught our DC’s from when they were little.

Did you go 50:50?

The woman in the relationship. I can spell it out for you if you like. Why shouldn't the woman pay for everything? You've said the man should but not explained why. So why is it up to him to pay? Why isn't it up to her?

I can't think of anything less appealing than being bought

We’re all nobodies online. It’s our real life that matters.

I'm old and I'm sighing very, very deeply. You are talking utter rubbish. It's nonsense.

Did you even read my post? I was only speaking on behalf of myself, nobody else.

Of course you’re not doing anything wrong - if your setup works and feels balanced for you, that’s what matters. I’m not saying financial contribution replaces emotional effort or that one person should get a free pass from caring just because they earn well.

My point is more about how we contribute, not if we contribute. In some dynamics, people lean naturally into different roles - not out of obligation or gender but alignment. For me, that includes valuing a partner who leads financially, while I lead more emotionally and domestically. That doesn’t mean I don’t earn or he doesn’t care - it means we bring different things to the table intentionally.

If both partners are earning well and sharing emotional responsibilities too, that’s sounds like a well-functioning team. This isn’t about hierarchy - it’s about energy, balance, and clarity about what each person values and brings. Different dynamics suit different people - this is just the one I find most nourishing.

Did you read my post? I was asking why you think men should pay for everything.

I’m out

It's really interesting that dismiss a relationship where both finances and emotional support are split Equally as a 'roommate situation'.

I would say that such a transactional agreement is very roommate like. Life partners provide reciprocal support, emotionally, financially, practically. Roommates don't.

I can't decide if you have just had such a narrow experience of men that you simply cannot envisage that a good man could match your emotional and mental load contribution, or if this is actually a cynical dressing up of just wanting someone to give you money. Perhaps you have been taught to equate being given money with being loved.

My DH and I have been together a very long time
There are times when each of us had been the higher earner. There have also been times when each of us has had difficult times, health problems, bereavement etc and we have leaned on each other emotionally and practically to different extents over the years. I couldn't imagine being in a situation where emotional support was only available if you were financially providing everything, or where financial contribution is only available if someone else does all the practical and emotional support, regardless of what they are dealing with.

What happens if you had PND for example or a poorly baby and less capacity to provide emotional and practical support to your DH for a time? Does he lower his financial contribution? It's all so transactional.

I wonder if you are quite young, and have never had to navigate challenges such as poor health, redundancy, bereavement, children with SEND, unmanageable work stress. I find a lot of people can have quite black and white views until they live real life for a time.

@ThisSereneSnail I am a little curious, have you ever lived with a partner or been married? Is it based on your relationship or is this theoretical?

Invisible labour refers to the mental and emotional effort involved in keeping a household running - things that aren’t always seen or measured but are necessary. That might include remembering appointments, keeping track of what’s running low in the fridge, managing routines, anticipating needs, noticing when a relationship feels off and initiating conversations to reconnect and generally creating the emotional climate of the home. It’s work that often goes unnoticed, especially when done well.

Yes I do agree with this fully. Of course, I love my now husband and we have a family, and if we found ourselves in a situation in which we needed me to begin to contribute, I would. But for us, our optimal is he takes care of the bills, I nurture us.

It’s not about needing someone to lead my money - I’m fully capable of managing my own finances. It’s about the overall dynamic in the relationship. Just like I naturally take the lead in emotional or domestic areas, I value a partner who feels confident leading financially. For me, that creates a sense of balance and polarity - not powerlessness. It’s a preference, not a limitation.

What happens if you don't notice the relationship feels off, because it only feels off to him? But he doesn't do the emotional load, so he's expecting you to know. But you don't. So it never gets raised and then it gets worse.

Whereas if you just both take responsibility for your own emotions and feelings and the overall wellbeing of the relationship, it'll sort itself out because he'll initiate the conversation regarding his own feelings.

Asking yet again

why have you labelled that as masculine?

This invisible labour malarkey-

" remembering appointments " - surely they just go in a diary / calendar"

" Keeping track of what is in the fridge." So basically the woman has to do shopping

"noticing when a relationship feels off " ..Is it a woman's duty to do that? I never knew.

" Creating the emotional climate" ? Sorry it's all just baloney.

“But feel free to keep scrolling if nuance and self-respect feel too “TikTok” for you.”
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