To say the behaviour crisis in schools can't just be blamed on parenting

[Sendcrisis2025]

I speak as a mum of two children with EHCPs and someone who is a SENDIASS officer, name changed to protect my identity/job.

There is a strong rhetoric from the teaching unions this week about behaviour in schools and poor parenting. No mention of the bigger picture, just poor parenting.

My DC are 10 and 8, just two years behind them. When DC1 was a toddler there was a huge range of groups, support, targeted interventions through the local sure start centre. These were already being cut by the time my DC2 was a toddler. Then covid happened and the services and groups have just not returned. There is no early support anymore.

One of my DC is a challenge in school, fortuantly she is predominantly a flight risk rather than violent but still a behavioural challenge. We have had one physical incident where she shoved a teacher. Pure combination of factors that had led to DC being enclosed within a corner by several children and with nowhere to escape to she shoved to escape. Unacceptable but that was the reasoning of why and she was suspended for two days etc. She struggles to cope with the sensory demands of mainstream. Too many children, too much going on. They fly through the content whereas she likes to master things in depth before moving on. Too many low level behavioural issues like children who just don't ever stop talking. She can't navigate social dynamics. None of this DC can cope with. There is a lack of consistency in the school day and the routines. None of this is the school's fault but realistically how it is in every mainstream school. We are struggling to get her moved to a specialist setting. She has no learning needs and generally with the one exception, she isnt violent so the SEMH schools are not appropriate either.

My other DC would never dream of acting out, is not a behavioural issue at all despite his needs.

Based on the unions DC is entirely due to my poor parenting. It doesnt matter that DC2 is a behavioural dream. It doesnt matter that I have no behavioural issues with DC1 at home where it is quiet, the same rigid routine for the past 6 years and less social demands. It doesnt matter that she is in a completely wrong setting.

In my LA there are over 400 children like my DC1 who have specialist agreed but are stuck in mainstream with no setting to go to. There is nowhere for them to go. These are the children with specialist agreed by the LA. This doesn't include the many hundreds more who don't have specialist agreed or don't even have EHCPs yet.

Our health trust is on 3+ years for an initial appointment. CAMHs are almost non-existent. You are only considered for medication if you are already a behavioural problem in school, it doesn't matter if a child has severe ADHD until they are at the point they can no longer cope and it is at crisis point.

Early help, if accepted, offers 6 weeks of support. There is a huge gap between early help and child in need.

I speak to parents day in day out at work who are desperate for help as their children can not cope at school.

There will always be poorly behaved children due to poor parents but the majority? The majority are children who simply cannot cope in the setting they are in with nowhere to go to.

Over 400 children in my LA with specialist agreed but stuck in mainstream. That is an incredible number.

I know my DC spends 8.45am-2pm in a small cupboard with a 1-1 TA. She joins a much younger year group for the last hour a day. She does 95% of her schoolwork with me at home.

The analogy that I always think of is that if you build a wheelchair ramp to get into a building instead of stairs then everyone can get in. It’s a huge positive for the people in wheelchairs, it’s much better for the people pushing buggies and it’s actually quite comfortable for everyone else.

A really good example of this for Sen support within schools is that if schools offer PE every single day then it hugely helps the neurodiverse kids who struggle in the classroom setting. It helps a bit with other kids with issues like anxiety, depression, poor health, overweight etc. And actually it’s quite good for all kids.

Every child is different and has different needs but if school days were built to better support SEN kids with things which are typically difficult for them. There would be fewer EHCPs needed, fewer SEN school places needed, lessons would be less disruptive and teachers could better focus on the needs of all students.

Completely agree with all of this.
Kids need lots of love AND firm and consistent boundaries. One without the other is a recipe for disaster

Do you not see the contradiction there though? He’s exhausted from people’s behaviour, but the expectations are ridiculous? The expectations are clearly not high enough if the behaviour of others leaves the good kids exhausted.

This sounds lovely, but a pipe dream for many reasons.

What do you want to cut out of the curriculum so that PE can be provided every day? How do you cater for the non sporty children who need more academically when you’re so focused on providing for the children with SEN? What do you do when two children’s SNs are in direct opposition to each other and they need completely different things? How do you do effective PE in reception when teachers spend most of the time allocated for PE just teaching children how to change their clothes?

Absolutely this

If your child at school tells a female teacher she should be "back at home in the kitchen" and you are not horrified at that attitude what exactly do you expect the school to do? Kids aren't born with these ideas. They are nurtured.

Why should professionals, because that is what teachers are, be subjected to violence and abuse during their working day? Would you put up with it? No because it's not allowed in the workplace you would be sacked for misconduct.

But "because they are children and they what ....." don't know any better? Well they should. And it is the job of being a parent to make sure they do.

Schools are seeing good teachers leave en masse because of behaviour in the classroom, something has to change.

There might be a few children who are unable to handle the present classroom environment, curriculum, or whatever but there are thousands upon thousands who can, it's not ideal, but they can handle it and behave and have a healthy respect for the teacher at the front of the class.

The entitlement of some parents is jaw-dropping.

This isn't about SEND children, but of course it will all come down to that, it's about the breakdown of basic behaviour of capable children because they and their parents are disengaged with each other. "oh it's too difficult throw a screen at them"

We have two teen boys who have witnessed outrageous behaviour from their peers in class, they are horrified and I think would happily jump in but they go to schools where their Heads protect their staff. We are just average parents with average kids and didn't know what the christ we were doing bringing them up, internet in your pocket, how the fuck do you parent that? We never had it when we were growing up. Absolutely no reference. But they know, they absolutely know if they put a toe out of line at school, if they said to a female teacher "you should be in the kitchen" the school would be the least of their concerns. They are dependents, what exactly are they going to do, where exactly are they going to go? We can turn their wifi off with three clicks, we can stop their money, we can ground them.

If your child cannot behave in a classroom it is your fault as a parent.

Other children can.
School is not ideal, but it's far from impossible to listen and not be a cock. That's it that's all they have to do, not really hard is it? But that's seemingly beyond some parent's abilities.

So what do you do as a Head, do you let the runts rule the roost or do you protect your staff and allow the other 20+ kids get an education? Basic mathematics surely.

Absolutely this. My DD plays out every day with the kids from our state. It’s good for so many things, resolving conflict, social skills, sleeping better & not being stuck on a screen.

I have a really lovely relationship with her, she really is my best friend and me hers but I’m her parent first and my job is to make her a good adult so I’m hot on manners, resilience, empathy and lots of other things.

Far too much bad & lazy parenting these days imo.

It wouldn’t be easy.

But the reality is that more and more kids with Sen needs aren’t coping in mainstream schools. So either you need to change mainstream schools or you need to find billions of additional funding to build more Sen schools.

There are many many ways that schools can be more Sen friendly- the PE is just an example - but if you want to see how that can work in practice if you google “daily mile Scotland” you can see how effective it’s been across a large number of areas of need.

How many parents are up to the challenge of home education? Not many, I think. I would never have undertaken it with my children. As you say, most are at work anyway. It’s a combination of things, lack of boundaries, parents frightened of being parents and saying No! Theres too much social media and poor parenting, leading to lack of basic childhood skills, manners, toilet training, hygiene, nutrition, socialising, how to play and interact etc. Teachers are not responsible for children lacking in these. No excuse for children turning up in dirty clothes, with decaying teeth, hungry, unable to go to the toilet by themselves. How did they manage in the fifties, with no breakfast clubs, food banks, clothing banks? No sitting on the floor with a plate of chips, watching tv, you sat at the table and ate with no distractions, didn’t speak with your mouth full, knew what a knife and fork were for. No pull ups, you used the potty, with a few accidents allowed until you got the idea. If you misbehaved, treats were withdrawn, early bedtime, clothes washed, not always by machine! Pride taken in appearance.
Not rose coloured glasses, of course there were problems, nor am I saying they were the good old days- but that’s how it was!

One issue I keep seeing on here is the constant conflating of SEND kids with badly behaved ones. Not all SEND kids have behavioural problems, not all kids with behavioural problems have SEND.
Id be willing to bet in some cases, bad behaviour in SEND kids is down to parenting.
All the time I see people on here making gross generalisations - they believe that every single parent of a SEND kid is trying their best, is fighting for better, is doing everything they can to help their children. Of course this isn’t going to be true - some/most are like this. But not all.

The data on all this would be fascinating. Hard to collect though. I think these days there is a belief that older dads are more likely to father ND kids. I can imagine that that is increasing as having kids in your 20s is less likely these days. There is also the rise in IT making ND men more attractive mates due to high income. I don't know, but suspect a lot of ND kids circulating in silicon valley.

Screen time for kids, screen time for parents (and no, not just TikTok, but also that the need to do any household admin, or chat to friends is now on a screen for adults. And then, yes, there is the 2 adults in work, and potentially long hours and little downtime to hang out with the kids....and the kids not needing to hang out with parents or play together as they have enough online content to keep them amused (or homework), the quality of play areas, or just open areas for kids to safely go to, or places that are safe to cycle, etc.

I think food is a lot better in many ways to what was around for 80s kids, before a lot of stuff was banned. But, then exercise was perhaps higher. A data nightmare (or challenge!) to collect and analyse it to understand the connections. Oh yes, and Surestart centre closures - though, I think there is already data on the impact of those on children's outcomes in lower income areas.

Agree. Sad to say.

Yes, nolonger does every child matter.

This, and you see this on here all the time...
'Well when it's just me and DC and we're having a fun day out, doing what they want, they're perfect!! I just don't understand why the teacher can't do the same, I mean, theyve only got 29 other children, and are having to do something the kids don't want to do!! It's clearly the same situation!!'

it shouldn’t be the child’s fault/problem yet it is.

The key thing in your post is every child is different. PE every day would have been unbearable for me and actually I was pretty fit in my youth due to long weekend cycle rides, walking to school and back every day and weekly dance classes.
Under the current system some kids are always missing out. Sometimes this is SEN kids and sometimes it isn’t.

They managed in the 50’s because one parent worked.

There’s no dental service anymore, that’s one of the reasons for childhood decay.

Why not go back and live in the 50’s?

Lack of discipline in school and at home has been becoming more common for years.
Parents blame school and refuse to accept responsibility.
Little Joey may have adhd but that doesn’t mean he can do whatever he likes. Parents should be more responsible for teaching kids how to handle life.

Teacher workload and cost of living crisis makes teacher wellbeing so low that it's harder for them to focus on being nurturing or planning fun lessons

Yep.

I always feel it’s important to add numbers to these ‘underfunded’ debates.

Round here it’s very common for families to have more than 1 child with SEN at special school.

That’s 2 lots of 30k per year places, probably 10k in taxi fees, 800 minimum a month in DLA, plus therapies and hospital appointments… that’s 100,000 a year. On one family. Many families need a LOT more than that.

Compare that to a mainstream child, who is allocated 7k a year for their education with zero other benefits or transport.

It’s not underfunded, not by a long way. If that isn’t enough, then what it? Now consider we have well over half a million children with EHCPs…

I don’t think some parents realise what is normal. Most children behave well, are polite and do their work. There are a few kids in each class without SEN who are very naughty. They talk over the teacher, scribble in their book rather than do the work, back chat, turn up late, don’t have equipment and distract others. Parents of these kids seem to have the attitude of it’s just kids being kids.

In my experience they all think it’s SEN.

I can’t disagree with you in principle, but I don’t see how mainstream schools can cater fully for all SEN children without detriment to others.

I know mainstream schools that have been doing the daily mile for years as part of their routine in addition to PE and lunchtime sports clubs and they’re still struggling with behaviour and reception children being more and more unprepared for school every year.

So is every child in his class behaving like him then?

Expecting ‘brilliance’ for 35k is a stretch.