To say the behaviour crisis in schools can't just be blamed on parenting

[Sendcrisis2025]

I speak as a mum of two children with EHCPs and someone who is a SENDIASS officer, name changed to protect my identity/job.

There is a strong rhetoric from the teaching unions this week about behaviour in schools and poor parenting. No mention of the bigger picture, just poor parenting.

My DC are 10 and 8, just two years behind them. When DC1 was a toddler there was a huge range of groups, support, targeted interventions through the local sure start centre. These were already being cut by the time my DC2 was a toddler. Then covid happened and the services and groups have just not returned. There is no early support anymore.

One of my DC is a challenge in school, fortuantly she is predominantly a flight risk rather than violent but still a behavioural challenge. We have had one physical incident where she shoved a teacher. Pure combination of factors that had led to DC being enclosed within a corner by several children and with nowhere to escape to she shoved to escape. Unacceptable but that was the reasoning of why and she was suspended for two days etc. She struggles to cope with the sensory demands of mainstream. Too many children, too much going on. They fly through the content whereas she likes to master things in depth before moving on. Too many low level behavioural issues like children who just don't ever stop talking. She can't navigate social dynamics. None of this DC can cope with. There is a lack of consistency in the school day and the routines. None of this is the school's fault but realistically how it is in every mainstream school. We are struggling to get her moved to a specialist setting. She has no learning needs and generally with the one exception, she isnt violent so the SEMH schools are not appropriate either.

My other DC would never dream of acting out, is not a behavioural issue at all despite his needs.

Based on the unions DC is entirely due to my poor parenting. It doesnt matter that DC2 is a behavioural dream. It doesnt matter that I have no behavioural issues with DC1 at home where it is quiet, the same rigid routine for the past 6 years and less social demands. It doesnt matter that she is in a completely wrong setting.

In my LA there are over 400 children like my DC1 who have specialist agreed but are stuck in mainstream with no setting to go to. There is nowhere for them to go. These are the children with specialist agreed by the LA. This doesn't include the many hundreds more who don't have specialist agreed or don't even have EHCPs yet.

Our health trust is on 3+ years for an initial appointment. CAMHs are almost non-existent. You are only considered for medication if you are already a behavioural problem in school, it doesn't matter if a child has severe ADHD until they are at the point they can no longer cope and it is at crisis point.

Early help, if accepted, offers 6 weeks of support. There is a huge gap between early help and child in need.

I speak to parents day in day out at work who are desperate for help as their children can not cope at school.

There will always be poorly behaved children due to poor parents but the majority? The majority are children who simply cannot cope in the setting they are in with nowhere to go to.

Over 400 children in my LA with specialist agreed but stuck in mainstream. That is an incredible number.

I know my DC spends 8.45am-2pm in a small cupboard with a 1-1 TA. She joins a much younger year group for the last hour a day. She does 95% of her schoolwork with me at home.

Of course children behave differently in school. A teacher has to get through a curriculum with a large class. This involves children doing challenging work as they learn. Things they don’t always enjoy such as writing at length or complex maths problems. It isn’t surprising that when the child is at home relaxing or playing they behave differently.

You're right that it can't be blamed solely on poor parenting, but a hell of a lot of it can!

I have been in one of the conferences. You are correct in your belief.

I am working with the teachers, that is how I came to my conclusion. DC has some great teachers and some really disinterested unengaging ones.
Not all teachers are brilliant and poor teaching is an issue in itself.

Poor teaching and inadequate teacher training can lead to poor behaviour in schools.

Poor behaviour in schools and teacher retention can not be solely down to poor parenting.

We fail our DC if we pitch parents against teachers in a black & white scenario.

In agree no kid is badly behaved anymore they have some other issue
No kids is not highly intelligent it is just the teachers fault
Fact is some kids are badly behaved for whatever reason
Some kids are just not very intelligent

I think it isn't just parenting, it is society as well. I always say schools are mirrors, not petri dishes of society - misogyny, racism, bullying, lack of respect for authority, mental health emergency- are all evident in society, so they are evident in schools too.

Personally i think a large part of the problem is society's attitude to safeguarding having gone too far. Not to diminish the importance of safety but we need a better balance.

Kids never experience total free play, outdoor unsupervised adventures. Heading out for the day on bikes for the day and home for dinner. It's not just physical activity it's a sense of excitement and control of your life. Having arguments and negotiations about what to do, this is how we learn social skills. It upsets me how big kids, pre teens still are being driven around and having organised play dates. That small window before puberty hits is a unique time developmentally where they should have freedom, they are old enough to manage themselves and young enough to have childish wonder and a sense of adventure, and we have robbed them of it.

The UK HAS got a massive issue with parenting though. I'm from another country and the way some British parents (at least 'white British' ones) let their kids treat them puts my jaw on the floor. Culture does matter, which is why you see different outcomes dependent on culture even amongst FSM children in the same school

It's also really noticeable how many parents struggle with even basic Parenting 101 stuff: reasonable bedtimes, a half decent diet, basic boundaries, plenty of exercise, even just some basic limits / supervision regarding screens. I'm not talking about perfect parentung, just really obvious simple things. I have preteen / teen boys & think many issues in that demography would be solved by decent sleep (no phones in bedrooms) & screen supervision. It's sad because this isn't impossible stuff for most families (I'm talking about non-SEN kids here).

The unions haven’t just blamed parents. They have said there is a need to monitor the things that children can access on social media. They are concerned about the impact that this has on the way in which children see the world and themselves.

Just a note: teachers are not letting children sit in class for hours looking at YouTube and social media, so that’s not a “in lesson” issue.

As for other issues raised…

Specialist settings are hugely expensive to find for children. Each child in my class is funded at over four times the cost of children in my mainstream classes a few years ago. That allows for my very high staff ratio, the extended hours worked by my team, the resources and the additional therapists. It is a great setting for the right children, but not all children would benefit, it’s not a fix-all solution. We have a waiting list but when we have children in need of a more academic setting, we can’t find anywhere to take them and so cannot take in more children.

That said, much of the curriculum in mainstream isn’t fit for purpose. It leads to a lot of information-heavy lessons which are not relevant to many children. Lunch times and break times are cut as they are hard to staff and cut into “learning time”. Children need the time to let off steam, communicate with others and learn the soft skills needed in the real world.

I don't think unions are blaming poor parenting..I am sure some are favouring more money for schools to support SEND provision
I think there are so many factors that contribute to behaviour in schools, parenting being one of them e.g. not going to bed until 1am and then the child struggling to get into school as they are on mums phone on YouTube watching inappropriate content (stuff about squid games), having cake for breakfast but then being hungry and school having to provide them with cereal or toast, having a chocolate snack at break provided by parents (when other children have to have fruit, but they are excused because of their needs), wearing dirty clothes to school, not washing themselves (face covered in food from previous day), not brushing teeth and having to have teeth removed, living with multiple siblings as parents choose to have large families (and siblings also having sen needs), the list goes on
I agree funding cuts have not helped at all, lack of services as you note, plus poor housing, lack of money, no NHS dentistry, poor access to healthcare.

As a teacher, attitudes from parents over the last 12 years I've been in the game really have gotten worse. Mind you, permissive and ineffectual attitudes from SLT are also all over the place.

In so many schools, discipline has gone down the toilet, expectations of behaviour are on the floor, and yes, the kids are really fucking rude sometimes. Sometimes I need to tell them off. Sometimes they need to wait 5 minutes for the toilet, or water. I get respect in my classrooms because I am very strict, (which means we all get along and have great relationships once we've settled) but it's bloody hard work with everyone chiming in!

With regards to children with SEN, of course there needs to be support in place, and absolutely you must get to know the child in front of you. However, people with autism, ADHD etc (including myself!) are capable of good manners and standards of behaviour. I do think there is too much letting things slide because of usually fairly low level conditions, instead of working harder to address problems and solve them. If that makes sense.

Social media and screens have got a lot to answer for.

I’m an ex teacher and Mum to an autistic child.

I have experienced it from both sides and the issue isn’t simple. I recently sat in feed back from an Ofsted inspection and the lead inspector said SEN parents always complain in parental feedback because they’re figthing the system. I actually think only some SEN parents are fighting the system, others don’t have the energy, skills or time to fight the system. Those are children as a teacher I worried about the most, the children living in general poverty, lack of good quality nutrition or just lack of any good, parents who were verbally supportive of school but who struggled with parenting and who couldn’t support home work.

Our schools don’t have the resources, staff, equipment or space for SEN students. Staff fon’t have the time, training and energy to adapt their teaching They don’t have enough money full stop. Many school can’t balance their budget and are in permenant structural deficit and the DoE agree that many of the schools can’t make cuts. Don’t get me started on the avaliablity of external resources. CAHMS in our area only accepts children in crisis, waiting list for ASD assessment is 4 years but in reality they reject many children only to accpet them later when they’re in crisis.

Under Gove minimum standard were increased, as a result England has gone up significantly in PISA rankings. I have mixed feelings about this, lots of children are being left behind and there is a greater level of stress placed on children.

There are many more issues in education;

• We have one largest class sizes of the developed world.
• Over a decade ago many teenagers I taught would be on their phone all night.
• We drop play based learning too early
• Failure of covid catch up scheme

I could go on but it’s depressing. The teacher union is choosing one issue to highlight because they can’t highlight them all.

You are the type of parent they're talking about. So your child isn't getting 1 on 1 attention or doing exactly as he likes so he behaves badly and that's the teachers fault?

It does sound to me as if DC1 may have some form of autism, from what you tell us. Have you ever had this child assessed? If you do, and she is found to "be on the spectrum" then she may be moved to a school which can help her with her issues, so that she can become more confident.
Being on the spectrum doesn't always mean that your daughter has learning needs. Indeed, many highly intelligent people have some degree of autism.

We had no choice but to remove 2 of ours from school
It was effecting their mental health
I home educated them for years and years while applying for ehcps and going to tribunal tonight the Lea
One of them was out of school from age 11 onwards the other out of school from age 6 to age 8.
Took all my strength to home educate them while fighting the lea to provide an education.
Obviously I couldn't earn money while doing that
But they were running away from school ,/ school couldn't cope with them so I was constantly called to collect them and take them home ,which were illegal exclusions ,but I didn't know that at the time
There's 10 years between my children in age and the difference in support and help from the first to the second was shocking
It went from ok ,some support,to nothing, absolutely nothing,within 10 years huge huge difference
Lack of money or loads more kids in the system or probably both .
Gid help any parents starting out now
Personally I'd say home educate your children,schools do more damage than good

Age 6 to age 12

I agree with everything you’re saying. But I work in a school and the issue with behaviour is not those children with additional needs. It’s the other children whose parents are having a go at the teachers on a daily basis saying that they can’t do this and they can’t do that to their children. Even though their child is frequently walking out of class and refusing to do work. Primary school this is!

Angela Raynor doesn’t get much respect from me, but she’s not wrong on this.

My local special school could probably open five more classes just from what it costs the council to transport the existing children between home and school.

Just one child with a special school place, funded transport and overnight respite place once a month and the DLA their parents receive will cost councils hundreds of thousands. Council tax is already at an all time high. It’s not sustainable.

Also no Sure start centres have had an absolutely massive impact!!

DS is autistic and very intelligent. He caught up with a year missed from school, despite his attendance being 70% at its best when he returned to education in a small mixed age unit for children with additional needs with a lot of focus on wellbeing.

He can't wash or change his clothes regularly can't cope well in busy environments, but he can pick up anything in most of his subjects.

Parents are the biggest influence on children. They can be pupils at school, but how they've been brought up will outrank anything that's put in place for them as one of a class, or a whole year group, for only about 1300 hours a year.

It’s not the SEND children that present the most behaviour problems (well not in secondary anyway). The children are very entitled and quick to blame teachers for everything. They are so rude and disrespectful.

That's not what I said.

My child doesn't need 1 on 1 teaching.

But my child needs good teaching 'same as everyone else.

And from my own experience, there are many teachers who aren't good or even brilliant.

We need to look at how we live as something just isn’t right. I have a neuro typical but slightly quirky child who is exhausted every day he comes home from secondary school. He doesn’t want to socialise with anyone outside of school as he needs the time to relax from yet another challenging day of other people’s behaviour and ridiculous school expectations. He’s well behaved, polite, compliant and just gets on with his work.